38, want a kid but boyfriend doesn't know

Cut a long story short I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half; we don't live together ,he lives 30 miles away,33, unemployed and still lives at home with his dad. We live in a really expensive area and can't really afford to rent a place together at the moment. I have my own studio flat and since we have been together he comes and spend a few days on and then a few days off at mine. However recently I'm feeling like I want more and suggest to my boyfriend that we might look for a place or try to figure something out. He's looking for a job but each time we look up at rent cost, his pay and mine added up will hardly covers the cost. I had to come to term with the fact that it won't be possible for us to be together now ,my flat is tiny so it is impossible to both live there together without driving each other nuts. We have discuss it and both agree that it is out of the question to leave the area (both our family are getting older and are really dear to us). But now here is the catch, I'm 38 childless and would like to have a child. I never took the decision to have children in past relationships simply because I never wanted to have a child in the wrong circumstances (ie: rocky relationships) playing the "accident" unplanned things is never be my things either, I guess i am not selfish enough for that, HOWEVER recently, "the crazy I want a baby now" woman in me has finally appeared and I am really pressuring myself and my boyfriend about this issue often. He says he would like to have a child with me but he thinks it's still too early to decide when. I perfectly understand is point of view but I can't help feeling like I am in a dead end situation. Part of me wants to end the relationship ,the other wants to make it work. Advice and opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Don't have a child until you are financially,emotionally, and in all other ways stable. I don't think it is fair to push the baby issue if the man does not have employment that is undo stress.

Sounds like neither one of you is in good financial well-being. It would be a terrible idea to even consider having a child until that changes dramatically.

He's 38, unemployed, still living with his father? That says tons right there. Not to mentinon he thinks it's "too early to decide" when to have a child? I've said this on other posts---it's never too early to tell your SO if you want children or not. Why? Because it's a deciding factor if the relationship can continue ~ if one wants children & the other doesn't, you can't have a relationship. Plain & simple. And with a response like his, it sounds like he doesn't want them. You need to dump him & find a guy with a steady job & ambitions.

No, she's 38, he's 33.

He doesn't say he doesn't want children he says he want to have children but the situation is bad to have one. I am the one running out of time here.

Running out of time and having a child just for that reason when you are not in a good position though is condemning a child to live for those mistakes. Your bf is right. This is not the time to have a baby when there is no good way to look after it.

I came from a VERY poor upbringing, and it wasn't even subsidized. I'll say this much, it can be done. I don't recommend it however.

I think the world is over-populated as it is. Bringing another child into the world without the needed resources to take care of it is just a bad idea (and selfish). Adoption is always an option in the future, and that would help care for an already living child that needs care, rather than add another to the mix.

I agreed with what your are saying all my life, hence 38 no kids...one has to be settled to have childen, however I have been waiting all that time and can't seem to get it together financially, so what does that mean, I am condemned as a women to stay childless? It is a tough one to accept...

You don't need to be rich to have a kid... A child needs love and support not for u to be well off..

That said.. u do need someone who wants to have a child and for him too have at least a job. Were u can put a roof over ur head, feed and clothed the child..

I agree you do not have to be rich but you have to be able to provide food and shelter and dental and medical and clothes as those are are basics in life.( well at least SHOULD be) I also think it is unfair to ask a man to be a dad when he has no way to support his share.

Don't have a child with this man until your relationship has progressed into marriage and looking at a future together. being together a year or year and a half - you probably both don't even know if eachother is the "one" long term yet. Your boyfriend probably would want to feel he is stable in his life before he even has any sort of commitment or long term plans with a woman. I also think that if he is unemployed and looking that's one thing - but if he has never lived outside a parents house its another. I know where you are at. I am sort of there too. I have been with my bf a lot longer than you have, but that doesn't mean we are ready tomorrow for a child. If you have a child despite his not wanting it, you and he will both feel resentful and its a lose-lose for the child. And you will never be able to get your bf back Either a) stay with this boyfriend and see where it goes b) break up and look to date someone who is stable and marriage minded and wants children. But then again, if you have baby fever, that might be a turn off as you are coming off as too desperate. and every relationship has its own pace c) adopt a child on your own. If you end up with the boyfriend in the end - great. I have a friend who had babies at 39 and 41. It is not the end of the world.

I think that you can also satisfy yourself somewhat in baby sitting babies and seeing how much work it is - maybe that will put things in perspective.

BTw, if your bf was unemployed temporarily but enthusiastic about wanting children and you had enough saved to get you through if you were off of work for awhile with the child, then that would be different. But because he is not sure about kids at all - its a no go right now.

Thanks for your advice I really appreciate, it's not easy for me to think straight lately. I am really down to earth girl and I perfectly understand all of your opinions, yet deep deep down I get a primitive urge it's really hard to explain...I never felt like this before 6 months ago, never had that mother instinct thing, I even find kids annoying at time ;-) but I feel empty I miss having my own child. If i am honest ,I even thought of having this baby alone since we are not even using contraception. I know this is bad but it's the truth.

I would start using contraception ASAP. While it may be a happy accident for you, if you become pregnant you may lose your boyfriend. He may feel snookered into it. Please, please at least use condoms. And you'll short change the child.

I would start using contraception ASAP. While it may be a happy accident for you, if you become pregnant you may lose your boyfriend. He may feel snookered into it. Please, please at least use condoms. And you'll short change the child.

I know it bad but in honest truth losing the boyfriend doesn't seem as bad as never having the joy of been a mother. I can't believe I feel this way at time and hate myself for it.

I know it bad but in honest truth losing the boyfriend doesn't seem as bad as never having the joy of been a mother. I can't believe I feel this way at time and hate myself for it.

reread that 50 times. A child sometimes comes by accident, but wouldn't you want a child to come out of a loving, stable relationship where two people can think of nothing better than to have a child together? If you "accidentally" have a child with this man, you will never "lose" him. You will have to deal with a resentful father who is fighting for visitation. When a woman (or man) feels "i can do this on my own, i don't need you" what kind of message does that send to the other? I mean, if you were single and decided to adopt - well fine. But making him the reluctant sperm donor is not the way to go. It is better to have both parties on board.

I speak from experience that the crazy hormone thing felt really intense but it got better. And my head took over. Yours will too. Remember - that little baby grows up fast.

If you're going to have a child on your own, please go to a sperm bank. Or tell your boyfriend you want to do it alone, that he will have no responsibility for the child, and ask if he'll make the donation. But having a child by deceit is asking for a lifelong sorrow.

Thanks for your advice I really appreciate, it's not easy for me to think straight lately. I am really down to earth girl and I perfectly understand all of your opinions, yet deep deep down I get a primitive urge it's really hard to explain...I never felt like this before 6 months ago, never had that mother instinct thing, I even find kids annoying at time ;-) but I feel empty I miss having my own child. If i am honest ,I even thought of having this baby alone since we are not even using contraception. I know this is bad but it's the truth.

I felt like you minus I knew I wouldn't deceive anyone (I did have times when I didn't use proper contraception but only with my then SO's knowledge and the understanding that we'd get married "if") and when I was 37 I gave myself a year to decide how I felt about "single mother by choice" -it took me one month to decide it would not be in the best interests of a child to deprive him of a two parent married family from the starting gate and that that trumped my "urge".

But here's the other difference - I'd wanted a child, very very badly, since I was in my early 20s and I only seriously dated men who wanted the same and once I was in my late 20s I wouldn't go on a casual date that could lead to a serious relationship without knowing that within the first number of dates. From my perspective it's not really fair to your bf to suddenly say "ok I wasn't focused on this before, but now I am AND I am in my late 30s so time's a wastin'. My husband and I got back together (we had dated in the past) when we were turning 39 with the understanding that our goal this time would be marriage and family. We started trying to conceive a few months before I was 41 and got pregnant a year later, naturally. Before we started trying we decided that if by some miracle I got pregnant (we used no protection) we'd get married earlier than planned (about 6 months earlier -we were long distance so logistically a wedding date a bit later would have been more convenient).

I am not at all saying my way is the only way at all - just sharing my thought process and experience. My little boy is turning 3 soon and I am so thrilled and relieved he is part of a happily married family. I can't imagine doing it any other way. And any other way would not have been good for my little boy, in my particular circumstances(oh and financially I had all the resources needed to go it alone -that wasn't the issue at all).

good luck. please think of what you believe the best interests of a child are, first -and then when you figure that out, put your urges second. JMHO.