Problems coping with wife's overbearing desire for children

Hi there, I'm having some trouble and need some advice.

I'm 39, and my wife is 34. We've been married for four years, and have been unable to conceive due to fertility problems.

We tried some initial fertility treatments, but my wife suddenly decided that she couldn't handle the emotional roller-coaster of negative pregnancy tests, combined with the potential risks to her health from the fertility medication, so she switched gears and decided we should try adoption instead.

The adoption route is not quick, but she perceives it as more of a "sure thing". It's been almost a year of courses, background checks, homestudies, etc, etc, and we are finally eligible to be adoptive parents, and while all these courses have prepared us (so we hope) to deal with emotional attachment/bonding issues, we have been notified of the availability of a young boy (1.5 yrs) who has "short bowel syndrome", and has been in 24 hour hospital care for his whole life, and has to be hooked up to direct nutrient feeding for 12 hours per day, and has an uncertain future.

I am not sure that we are going to be able to properly care for this child and meet all his medical needs, but my wife is so eager to have a child, that she has absolutely no reservations.

In fact, the more she researches everything and claims that everything will be no problem, the more uneasy and uncertain I am becoming.

If the child has a medical condition you both DEF have to be on bored. While I do say your wife MAY be looking at this a little with rose coloured glasses on, you also have to step back and realize it may not be as bad as you are portraying it, know what I mean? Is there any way for you both to visit a hospital with a similar child (or even this child) and see what goes on in the daily routine of his/her life?

If you don't adopt this little boy, they will match you up with another child. But what is the long term prognosis? If the boy as he matures can leave the hospital and have a semi-normal life, just with making sure he eats very small meals throughout the day and stays hydrated?

Sometimes things are presented in our life that we are fearful of, even when we've been looking for those things to appear, and these are the things that we need most in our lives. They are there to teach us a lesson, give us some insight, or add value to our lives. I'm not sure, but it sounds like this little guy might add some value to your life in ways that another child couldn't. Sometimes you just have to jump in with both feet and see what happens? You wanted to adopt right? What makes this little guy any less of an option than another child. He needs love and he needs care - he just needs a special kind.

I am not sure that we are going to be able to properly care for this child and meet all his medical needs, but my wife is so eager to have a child, that she has absolutely no reservations.

 

In fact, the more she researches everything and claims that everything will be no problem, the more uneasy and uncertain I am becoming.

You need to tell her this before she starts signing the adoption papers.

Sick children take really special people to care for them.... they can be an enormous joy, but also a huge financial burden because of the health care costs and stress because of the extra caretaking needed and also the stress of dealing with a sick child in general.

So if you aren't 100% sure that raising a child with special needs is something you can/want to do, then don't do it. Not fair to you and if you and your wife get into conflict over the stress/demands of raising a special needs child and divorce ensues, you could also be picking up a huge child support tab to pay for the extra costs of taking care of a special needs child should she leave you (or you want to leave).

Waiting a year to adopt a child is not a long time, and you are still both quite young and waiting a couple more years isn't the end of the world. Only undertake a child with significant healh issues if you are 100% sure you want to do it, and don't let her pressure you into it if you have second thoughts, because it could be a disaster later if you discover you can't handle it and want out of the marriage.

Everyone is absolutely right - you BOTH have to be 100% committed to taking in any child with special needs. This young boy is exactly that. Does he need and deserve a loving home? Absolutely. I'm sure he'll find one - it may or may not be with you. You need to be absolutely honest with your wife about your feelings. Do your own research, also. Don't just shoot her down because of his illness, but be sure that you are aware of all factors of the decision, and explain your side to her, not just that it makes you uncomfortable - but WHY.

Would one or the other of you have to stay home in order to properly take care of a child? Is the hospital experience really what she wants, or is she wanting the small child she can bring home to cuddle, that she'll get to help with homework, take to mommy and me classes, etc? She needs to make sure that her expectations of what this child is capable of are realistic as well.

Being a mom is one of the most amazing things in the world, if not the most. I can't say that I blame her for her eagerness in any way, shape, or form...but I also know that eagerness needs to be compassionately tempered (by you) and she needs to make sure her dreams and the situation that you are both getting into is a realistic one for your relationship and your situation.

Is there any way for you both to visit a hospital with a similar child (or even this child) and see what goes on in the daily routine of his/her life?

We're going to visit him and his care team at the hospital tomorrow morning. This all happened really fast.

We're going to visit him and his care team at the hospital tomorrow morning. This all happened really fast.

Perhaps seeing what all will go into his care will stay your wife or even settle your own nerves about adopting him.

If you don't adopt this little boy, they will match you up with another child. But what is the long term prognosis? If the boy as he matures can leave the hospital and have a semi-normal life, just with making sure he eats very small meals throughout the day and stays hydrated?

He will never be able to live without the IV TPN feeding port without surgery (possible bowel transplant).

Would one or the other of you have to stay home in order to properly take care of a child? Is the hospital experience really what she wants, or is she wanting the small child she can bring home to cuddle, that she'll get to help with homework, take to mommy and me classes, etc? She needs to make sure that her expectations of what this child is capable of are realistic as well.

She would have to be the one to stay home. She works from home now and seems to fancy herself able to take care of a child at the same time. I don't see how, especially a child with special needs. I'm exceedingly worried that she is going to take on far more than we can handle.

Only undertake a child with significant health issues if you are 100% sure you want to do it, and don't let her pressure you into it if you have second thoughts, because it could be a disaster later if you discover you can't handle it and want out of the marriage.

Very sound advice.

That's because she's making the decision for you. I think anyone would feel overwhelmed with that, anyone who doesn't feel the EXACT same way as her. To be honest, she's being pretty selfish.

She would have to be the one to stay home. She works from home now and seems to fancy herself able to take care of a child at the same time. I don't see how, especially a child with special needs. I'm exceedingly worried that she is going to take on far more than we can handle.

See the words I put in bold? Therein lies your problem. She should not be making the decisions. You should be making them jointly, as a couple, especially when something as dramatically life-changing as a child with special needs is involved.

>>She works from home now and seems to fancy herself able to take care of a child at the same time.

Oh no, this is going to be a problem... One of the first things they tell you when you WFH is to NOT think this means you can fully do your job and also take care of children at the same time as well... especially if you have toddlers and pre-school kids who need constant attention and supervision. You need reliable child care when you WFH or the kids have to be older and out of the house and in school when you're doing that work or nothing gets done. And a special needs child requires even more time and effort and is usually close to a full time job, 24x7 job in fact.

Don't let her desire to have a child overrule common sense, especially if you need her income to support the household and the child's special financial needs. Insurance does pick up a lot of the costs, but not usually all of them, so that in itself may be too much for you if she ends up having to quit her job to caretake the child, and you have only the one income.

I would not meet the child if you are having doubts. It would be devastating to this child too. I had a similar situation about 10 years ago when we went to adopt. My husband did not tell me all his reservations, he just went along with it. We even fostered the boy from birth to 18 months so it was not a child he did not know. A week before the adoption was to take place he pulled out the skids and told the agency he did not want to adopt. He did not tell me and left the agency to tell me his choice. It almost ended our marriage. COMMUNICATE. Do not keep this to yourself. ( and no we did not end up adopting, ever, and probably won't, because he has taught me I can not trust him to speak his mind)

I have a happy healthy toddler. Unless I had a sitter or mother"s helper I could not work from home. I cannot imagine doing so if the child had special needs. I know my friends who work from home and have kids also have help. I agree with Victoria too.