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Thread: Lack of Intimacy in My Marriage & What it is leading me to do

  1. #1
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    Lack of Intimacy in My Marriage & What it is leading me to do

    We are both 40. I've been married for 11 years to my beautiful wife who I love very much and would never want to do anything to hurt her. But, our libidos are very different. I have a high sex drive, craving intimacy on some level on a daily basis or the walls start closing in (btw, this does not have to be just sexual intercourse, but some form of playing). I'd settle for once a week.
    Her sex drive is practically non-existent: we haven't been intimate in over 3 months, and on average are intimate with each other about once every 2-4 weeks.

    She just gets caught up in the daily duty routines (we have two kids) and I do play my part, but honestly she does most of the child-rearing work (I do more dishes, cleaning the house, etc.)

    Recently, I have made it into a bit of a larger issue, asking her to talk about our problem (which she never does want to talk), and in the ensuing last couple days she has asked if we could just start over and forget the issue even exists. What she really means is she wants me to chase after her again on a daily basis, as essentially I basically gave up chasing her around for sex about 2-3 years ago when I reached a boiling point over the lack of sexual incidents in our marriage.
    I agreed, so we'll have to see how the next bit goes I guess.

    Honestly, at this point I truly believe that if she was to be willing to meet a middle-ground of weekly sex I would not have to do some of the things I feel so guilty about...please read on.

    Here's the part of the story that will finish completing it: over the last 5 years (almost half of our marriage) I've been going to strip clubs and massage parlors getting "relieved" as a kind of sexual set of escapades to fulfill my high sex drive cravings. I feel so guilty, but at the same time really believe it is the best outlet for me, as I do not wish to cheat on her with a "real" person, so I choose to do it this way which seems like the lesser of two evils.

    I really need some help: she went away to her parents for a few days this week and since I was on my own I went out this evening to one of those places. I am wracked by guilt, but on another level really enjoy it has released a high degree of pressure for me.

    Any advice on how to get things back on track would be great.

  2. #2

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    You should not have to chase after her.

  3. #3
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    Have you seen a doctor re. her low sex drive? Also, have you sought counseling?

    Does she know about the clubs and massage parlors? If not, are you willing to lose your marriage? I consider this behavior cheating!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-02-2012 at 02:27 AM.

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    Masturbate?

    This makes me feel horrible. My sex drive is extremely low, and just like your wife, I try to steer clear from sex, but when my bf becomes a mad man, I give in and force myself. I feel bad that I'm not always horny, but I can't help it. What's even worse is.... knowing that the person you love is looking for an outlet ELSEWHERE, thanks to our lack of sex drive which we can't control Talk about depressing.

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  6. #5
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    I was in your exact shoes. I was 37 and fighing for affection and sex on a daily basis. We had been married 10 years.
    I started going to strip clubs and, just like you, justified what I was doing as fulfulling a need that wasn't being met at home. I wasn't getting any kind of release. But I was doing things that I know my wife would have considered cheating. I thought there was no threat. Like you, I didn't think they were "real" people.
    Then I fell in love with someone I met in one of those clubs. I was divorce about a year later.
    My advice: Try and make your marriage work before it is too late. Go to marriage counseling. Make her understand how important of an issue this is. If you don't, this issue will gradually get much worse.

  7. #6
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    Masturbation (referring to im_the_undead's thoughtful post) isn't the same (for me, imho) as sex. Even if it's a handjob (well, I'm a woman but yeah handjobs can work) or oral, or full blown sex......masturbation is a very lame substitution.

    My sex drive is very high - I prefer sex daily - even if it is me giving my lover a blowjob, he doesn't have to reciprocate..still I crave the sexual contact, daily. I prefer honestly, twice daily for regular maintenance.

    I've only had two lovers who matched my sex drive. One, was a complete arse, and we parted ways 3 years ago. hmmm he was my husband, sadly. My 1st husband didn't match my sex drive at all, I was celibate for more than 6 years, in that relationship! My current lover matches my sex drive, but that's a complicated situation. However, I am relieved to be single. There's nothing worse than to be in a marriage or committed relationship and not be able to have sex with the person we desire.....

    I do understand your reasons for frequenting the strip clubs, for some release. And for you, I"m sure it does make a difference, that it's not a 'real person' (in fact it is a real person but there is perhaps, little intimacy, unlike an emotional/sexual 'affair'......) you get the release, no harm, no foul. But....you are feeling guilty.
    Your relationship is not working. I wonder if there's any way it can be repaired, or if it is a true case of your sex drive not matching hers?

  8. #7
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    No we haven't sought counseling. This is largely in part to her not acknowledging that the problem is a problem with her. She always says she doesn't want to be blamed for this "issue" (lack of sex to meet my desires), and she believes it is "both" of our issues.

    Also, we are both of the same mind regarding how once you seek out counseling it's like it's become real, and seeking counseling "doesn't sound like us".

  9. #8
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    Would she feel the same if she knew you were patronizing massage parlors and strippers?

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    Well, as mentioned it seems she (and I, I suppose) is willing to give this a shot with a blank slate starting from now on, but because of the very long history here of this behavior, I will have to believe this when I see it. I don't think someone is willing to "flick a switch" and suddenly want it all the time. It seems she may have some physiological problem (hormones, etc.) or just a very low body image, but frankly I don't care as I am attracted to her.

    Frankly, we are in a sexless marriage and I have recently confronted this exact topic with her as mentioned. It seems she is willing to start anew, so we'll see.

    I try to forget what's happened, but it's hard as I can't help thinking "yeah, yeah, whatever" when she says it will get better.

    Finally, we have two young kids so I would never leave her for at least a number of years as I could not:
    a. bear being without her (like I said, I love her)
    b. bear being without seeing my kids every day
    c. be in any way responsible for my kids growing up in a divorce family

    However, if this continues like it has, I can't see being with her once my kids have grown up a bit into their teens

  11. #10
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    So, of course she would be very upset and likely even leave me (I don't think she holds the same opinions as I do about stickign together for the kids) if she knew about the extracurricular activity. You are right, I should stop that behavior. I won't tell her ever about though because frankly it would do no good (i.e. i'd be honest, but she would leave me).

    Now, what am I supposed to do forever more about these unmet urges? I plan to throw myself at her again continually (daily) like I used to do during our first 5 years together. It is very hard to do as I would be turned down 90% of the time back then, and that's played on my psyche in our relationship. But I guess I will try.

    If this doesn't work though, I can't guarantee I'll stay away from the strip joints.

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