Enough is Enough?

ive been a cripple from the age of 12 and for 21 years ive had to endure name calling coz of the way i walk .. all through school all through my life up until this point staring at the moniter its been hell .. ive never been with a woman .. kissed or had contact .. im the subject of someones bad joke everyday over the years ive become a recluse .. hard to look anyone in the eyes and the floor i stare at as i walk brings me some comfort coz then i dont have to see the grins or the looks i get as i walk or attempt to walk to my destination ... what do i really have to look forward to .. every year since i was 12 its always next year will be better i stopped saying that a few years ago now im cynical of everyone and everything .. i recently got the courage to go see my doctor and tell him im very depressed and have been for a long time .. he prescribed me 10 mg amitriptyline to take every night before bed ... its been 23 days and still no diffrence im still depressed lonley and fantasys about killing my self seems to becoming more of a reality .. i dont fear it nomore .. and im thinking thats not good .. my choice of weapon .. pills .. to be exact .. 84 400 mg ibuprofen 100 500 mg co codamol and 28 amitriptyline with a 75 cl bottle of bucks fizz . . ... ...... i cant face another year like this . ... will it be painfull .. after 21 years of pain can it be that bad? and how long would i have before i changed my mind if i did .. . ... .....

Why not visit your dr again? He can change the dosage. Not everyone is as callous as some you have met. There ARE good people out there. Really see your dr again.

Please, don't kill yourself!! How old are you?? I can't tell from your post. If it makes you feel any better I'm 27 never been kissed although it isn't for lack of trying. What things do you find enjoyable??

Tell your dr that you feel this way. Call a hotline or go the ER. Really, your life is valuable.

Im 33 .. i find the thoughts of not having to think anymore enjoyable .. as for the doctor he had his chance took me alot to leave the house and tell him about it .. and i just cant leave the house again not tonight the streets will be full of people .. so .. and myy 22 years of exp has told me that people are not lke that tonight is the night .. as soon as i ring the rspca to come get my dog thats the no turning back point ...

Really, call a hotline. Please. Your dog would miss you too.

and im not here to attention seek .. i guess this thread will be my last mark on the world .. .. ..

ure responces altho quick and moral raising to some felt patronising to me .. im wrong for saying it and i know that if i hadt had the life ive had i would agree with u .. its easy to say pick up the phone and ring the doc it took me 6 yrs just to see him about being depressed so now im supposed to ring him and say im gonna kill myself and attention seek so i can get locked up ^^ .. what i asked is how many must i have taken before its to late to turn back incase i wuss out.. and will it be painless .. would be good to know .. ty

The thing is no one here can or would tell you how many to take or anything like that because they can and would be prosecuted.

hmmm ok .. just take as many as i can before i pass out .. there are lots of sites out there that show u how to kill ureself thats how i came accross this place and thought i might take the reasonable approach .. but yea i get what ure saying .. no assisted suicides here . ..

Can you call a hotline though? That is not leaving your house.

i cannot from my mobile no i have a little left that im saving for the rspca so no ringing isnt an option . and freepphone numbers arnt free on a mobile

If it came accross as patronizing, I apologize. It was not my intent. I've been where you are now. I have attempted it in the past and I have to say those were the greatest failures of mine. It is taking a lot out of me right now to admit to the attempts.

If you think taking pills will painless, it won't. It will still hurt.

you wasnt sorry didnt mean to make you feel bad in anyway .. its just how i feel .. sorry again.

Do you live near anyone who's phone you could use? Do you have family?

there is my mum who is quite far away .. so no all i have are my thoughts the net .. and you.

Can you call a hotline though? That is not leaving your house.

I agree, it wouldn't hurt would it? Please do it for all the people you've cared about and have cared about you. Give them and yourself this chance. You deserve it and they deserve it!

There was a guy who was crippled in my class at school. He had no problems! We were all nice to him and friends. I used to go to his house and eat and play videogames... and I was a popular kid at school.. the ''cool'' badboy kind of guy...just to show you that it wasn't cos I had no friends or anything.

At university there was a girl in my halls that had had 2 strokes as a child and was handicaped for life, couldn't control her body. EVERYONE in the halls = 400 was very nice to her, in front and behind her back, and she had no trouble going out and socialising. Another guy was in an electric wheelchair and he still went out every night clubbing and had loads of friends.

It's all about the environment you're in. Before taking your own life make sure you're not just in the wrong environment full of a**holes.

There's a saying. ''Before you diagnose yourself as depressed, make sure you're not just surrounded by a**holes''.

Btw, the guy from school, I have him on facebook still and occasionally talk (we have different interests and after school moved to different countries) and I see his pictures. He still has loads of friends, and does a whole lot a cool stuff, despite not being able to walk properly.

Only let suicide be Plan Z. EVERYONE can turn there life around. Get out and away from dipsh*ts and get to know kindness. Go somewhere where people don't see you as different. Like at my school, or anywhere i've been really, because I choose those places, everyone is considered the same. No one is different. No one is alienated!

Think about it! Please!

I agree. Maybe it is the environment you are in. My son has two disabled friends who can not walk at all. Both children have friends. Maybe you need a change of atmosphere?

400 people***

Can you look up some of the hotline places and see if you can talk to them online?? They must have that available.

you wasnt sorry didnt mean to make you feel bad in anyway .. its just how i feel .. sorry again.

You didn't make me feel bad, its just that I'm not too good socially and I thought a made a social mistake.

I'll share another thing with you. During my last attempt, I had a dream. It was my funeral and I saw myself in the casket. I looked up and saw my parents and it was my mothers face that made me feel so bad, words can't describe how I felt then or maybe there are words and I can't come up with them. If I even think of suicide, God brings up that dream to me, the part where I see my mothers face. Maybe this will help you. I hope it does.

then ure friend had/has a good life and i envy him .. have u talked to him on a personal level .. how he views the world .. or more importantly how the world views him ... they have given a new name to what us unfortunate souls have to deal with its called disability hate crime .. altho recently given a name thats what ive had from 12 onwards ... i thank u for ure kind words and hope ure friend dosent fall into the same endless hole i was pushed into .. and think about it .. ive had 21 years to think about it ty again ..

i used to use my mum as an excuse not to do it .. but that faded .. then it was my dog .. that to has faded coz he will be looked after .. but ty again.

Why do you think it won't devastate your mother?

then ure friend had/has a good life and i envy him .. have u talked to him on a personal level .. how he views the world .. or more importantly how the world views him ... they have given a new name to what us unfortunate souls have to deal with its called disability hate crime .. altho recently given a name thats what ive had from 12 onwards ... i thank u for ure kind words and hope ure friend dosent fall into the same endless hole i was pushed into .. and think about it .. ive had 21 years to think about it ty again ..

You see, we didn't ever talk about it because no one ever saw him as different. There never was an elephant in the room, you see. Because our environment was that way. You live in England. I know England, and MUCH of the uneducated and some of the educated youth are d*cks! I know! I lived there! Especially in the cities! But I promise you that where you have been unlucky, in terms of wanting to take your own life, is how the people around you have treated you. Not your disability per say. Change your environment, and you'll realise that you ARE NOT considered more different than anyone else!

I only speak from experience here, and not saying that being disabled is not unlucky. All I mean is that my friend and acquaintances that are disabled, were lucky in terms of their environment. You have the chance to create your own luck here and change your environment BEFORE you go for Plan Z! It's worth a shot isn't it?? I mean, for a person who has nothing to lose, right?

And I know you've thought about it, all i'm asking is that you think about it from a different perspective, and perhaps just give the changing environment another shot!

Anywhere I have ever lived and in any social group I have ever been, hate crimes or making fun of disabled people is completely unheard of! I can imagine the kind of people that may have done it to you, estate living youth and chavs perhaps? That would be my guess. They DO NOT represent the world...or even England or London...