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Thread: 4 years no ring-Opinions Wanted

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Glowguy's Avatar
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    I understand that you want to get married but you seem to want that more than your actual partner and that is unhealthy. Yes your clock is ticking, but how are you going to get it any faster by bailing on your relationship? That just doesn't make any sense to me. You'll probably wind up rushing into it with the wrong person and being unhappy for years. If your partner is absolutely against it and is hinting that it will happen someday then yes that is very unfair you to and it is a waste of your time. Unfortunately some guys do just that and it would be pretty despicable to lead you on like that for years if he is truly against getting married and he knows it's a deal breaker for you. You would know better than we would if he is capable of that and I can certainly understand you wanting to end things if that is the case.

  2. #12
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    "You'll probably wind up rushing into it with the wrong person and being unhappy for years."
    That is a scary thought Glowguy...... that could happen. I meet a guy and after 1.5 years I get a ring and BAM things start going horribly wrong and BOOM we're headed for divorce court! Not something I want at all. If I had a choice I'd choose my guy...we are awesome together he gets along great with my 9 year old (oh did I leave out that detail) No he doesn't have any kids of his own.
    I guess I should sit back and be patient....that's just so hard for me. I see it like this, we have been together almost 4 years and we're still in the same position as we were in year 1. Yes we know each other better and all that hoopla but we are still in bf/gf terms. No living together.....no engagement....just gf/bf. I like to see inclines and progression in my life not stand still

  3. #13
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    If New Years is your timescale (in your head) then stick to it.

    I know you cant rush these things, but its also unfair of him if he knows how important marriage is to you, to keep you waiting about to 'see what happens' when your just getting older and more frustrated.

    I think 4 years in your prime is long enough to dedicate solely to him and if he hasnt decided your the one and to snap you up when he got his promotion and could afford to move forward, I hate to say this but I dont think it's a priority for him. I dont think it will be until he's ready for children to be honest, but right now it seems he's more career focused.

    You dont have to say New Years is your deadline, you just have to think it and arrive at it, see what happens and if it doesnt materialise you've got a couple of days to think about it and brace yourself before suggesting it may be better to take a break for a while? (rather than break up completely) who knows he might miss you!

    this will also help give you some control over the situation, as rather than feel like your sitting on the shelf waiting to be chosen, you've then chosen to take control of your own life and jump off the shelf and see whats out there and start living and experiencin new things and people.

    I wish you luck whatever you decide and a very happy new year!

  4. #14
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    I think 4 years is long enough to know if the person you're dating is "the one" or not. I don't think you're rushing it at all, and I hate to say it but if he isn't sure by now that he wants to marry he probably never will. Keep in mind that some guys will tell you they want to move in together "someday" and they want to get married "someday" just to keep you around, but if he is just saying these things but not following through in any way then you have to becareful.

    It might be a good idea to take a break and give him the opportunity to miss you, and see what life is like without you.
    Good luck

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    It doesn't seem like he is as into the marriage concept as you are. You really aren't discussing it -- you kind of talk around it. That it has been 4 yrs. is irrelevant in the big scheme of things --- but for you, you want to see the relationship progress. As you have a child, it is probably best that you aren't living together w/out a commitment to the future.

    From what you have written, I agree w/ others that it appears his lifestyle/career are his main focus --- not a future w/ you. Not necessarily a future w/ out you either --- but I don't think you are a priority in his planning. If marriage is what you desire, and not just a continuation of the status quo, you might want to have a candid talk w/ him and really find out his intent.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Glowguy's Avatar
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    I think it's just plain wrong to say their future is not a priority for him after he has spent four years with her. MARRIAGE may not be a priority, but that's true for a lot of people these days. I think it's highly likely that it will be the OP who winds up pining for him if she takes the drastic step of taking a break. I would take that as the end of the relationship and move on. I have absolutely no interest in a partner who prioritizes an institution over me.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    He is 32 and I really don't understand his hold up. I mean honestly if he isn't ready I wish he could just tell me that so I can move on with someone who is.
    Maybe this is why he is afraid to tell you when he feels ready. The answer seems to be right in front of you. He might sense that you will end up leaving him when he becomes honest and says "I'm not settled yet to take this step of commitment though it is on my mind." Don't you find this a little harsh?

    4 years... that's nothing compared to me waiting 7 years. If you both are happy with each other, there is absolutely NO RUSH to get married. Marriage does not mean the ultimate happiness in your life... otherwise why would the United States have nearly a 60% divorce rate?

    Also... you mentioned him settling in a new job within nearly 6 months and had to relocate. I think he needs to get situated in a new career before deciding for marriage. Perhaps the new position is stressful and he needs to "adapt" to it with more responsibilities. It's a tough economy and he may need to feel situated first.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    OK, you seem to be 'stuck' as a couple. And he is happy in a state of perpetual dating rather than actually building a life together or even moving in together.

    Perhaps the issue is he likes you well enough but doesn't want to live with a child in the house (which means he won't want to live with you for another 10 years til your kid moves out). Or he doesn't want to have kids at all and feels like if he marries you that will be next. Or he doesn't want kids for another 15 years. Or he is person who prefers to live alone.

    But notice that most of those reasons all involve him NOT moving forward and taking it to the next level of living together with you as a real family and committing to a permanent future with you. I suspect he is just happy as it is, and doesn't want more than that. People who do want more make plans to be a couple who lives together at minimum and most do marry if they are serious about the person.

    So it boils down to deciding what you want for yourself and your child. If you want a real family where you all live together, then this guy may not be it if after 4 years and at age 32 he is still balking making any changes towards living as a family together. Right now he's just your perpetual 'gentlement friend' and you're not living as a real couple or family with your daughter.

    If he can't even give you a timeframe, then most likely that timeframe is either never or a LONG way in the future. I think it is important for you to really examine your own bottom line, and if marriage and living together as a family is part of it, you need to set your own internal goals and decide how long you are willing to wait. And you need to tell him that marriage and a family that lives together is your goal, and if he is not interested in that in the NEAR future, then you both need to admit you are not compatible because you have major differences in life goals. And tell him what your timetable is... that you want to get to that goal by time X. If he balks or won't commit, then go about your business planning your own life and following your own goals (not counting on him to be a part of them). Then when time X arrives, you make your break if he still won't agree to move forward.

    A successful partnership is based on the ability to have both joint AND personal goals and negotiate the differences between you. If he won't even negotiate on things that are important to you like marriage, then either he has really different goals than yours or he just doesn't care whether you're happy or not and just wants to do his own thing and you take it or leave it.

    Personally speaking, i think 4 years at your age is long enough to decide whether you want to marry or not. I suspect the real issue is he either doesn't believe in marriage, or enjoys having you as a GF but doesn't really want to live a married/family lifestyle with you and your daughter (or perhaps anyone if he likes his independence and own space). Some people are perfectly happy with a revolving series of GFs where they never actually live together or marry. If that doesn't work for you, then eventually you need to recognize that he's stalling because he doesn't want that level of enmeshment with you and your daughter, and you need to go find someone who does want to live a married with kids lifestyle. Not everybody does and he may be one of them, who is just stalling you because he's happy as is, but won't ever marry and will only break up with you when you get sick of waiting for marriage and dump him.

  10. #19
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    I agree with Lavender but I don't see where living together would be a progression in emotional commitment unless the reason you were moving in together was because you were engaged with a wedding in the near future. Otherwise it's simply sharing living space and committing to take on the responsibilities of sharing living space which you could do with a roommate too. But because it's romantic too it likely would confuse your child.

    Time for a brutally honest and direct talk -not wordy -very simple because the questions and answers are simple even though they're so emotional. Two questions from you "do you want to get married". And "if yes then when?". No more discussion of the reasons why or why not unless it is a specific behavior or situation that can be changed or resolved. The "I'm not sure" is fine to explore with his friends or therapist or maybe in couples counseling but after four years it's not going to give you comfort if he says "I'm not ready" or "I'm not sure".

    I think if he doesn't believe in marriage he would have told you that in the first few months or told you that if he changed his mind.

  11. #20
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    Good morning ENA! Thanks for the feedback! I'd like to address a few statements about my current bf.
    he has stated that he wants children, more than one actually. Also someone mentioned him not giving me a direct answer, he has. I've sat him down before and blatantly asked him was marriage something he wants to do, he said yes. Within the first year is when we casually mentioned marriage to which he replied "yes, within two years." Now that the time frame has passed us he tells me things happened "I planned to have a better job, I had no idea I'd still be working here" then after he got the new job it's "let me get situated in this new job, I plan to take some college courses as well to get certified" That's why I feel like he's stringing me along. He always has a new excuse!
    Lavender-you have some excellent points! He often says he enjoys his space....sometimes I can go a week and only see him on the weekends and he'll say "well babe, I just wanted some time to myself" I tell him "that's not something I expect to hear from a man ready to be married"

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