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she's always tired or sick


sotired99

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Hi all,

Just wondering how to better approach this situation. My wife tells me nearly every day that she is either tired or sick. We have 2 small kids, so this is actually true for both of us most of the time.

 

Now, I love my wife and am very attracted to her. However, if she's already told me today that she's either sick or tired, I don't 'feel' like it's nice, let alone loving, to her to want to have sex with her. To me, that would be really selfish behavior on my part. She often complains we don't have sex enough and when I've told her that when she tells me she's tired or sick that I'm not going to come a knocking, she thinks that means I'm just not attracted to her enough. Like I shouldn't be able to control myself. Well, I've had a lot of sex in my life and I enjoy it very much, but not so much that I'd ever want to have sex with someone who's sick just because I happen to be horny - that's just not a turn on for me at all. She's gone as far as telling me that even is she has told me she's sick or tired, I need to try anyway because she deserves the 'choice' and that by me not initiating when she's told me she's sick or tired I'm robbing her of that choice. This is frustrating to me because I think bothering a sick or tired person for sex is selfish and basically the opposite of love, however this is what she expects of me.

 

Should I just bite the bullet and do as she says? I feel like I wouldn't really be myself behaving that way...

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LOL, she deserve the choice? So, it's fair to you if she denies you sex, just so she can feel attractive? Both people in a marriage should make the attempt to initiate and maintain their mutual sex life.

 

Yeah, I've pointed this out to her before and it doesn't change. She gets to feel attractive and how am I supposed to feel after the constant denials? I think part of the problem is her relationship history - many of her previous relationships have really been based on looks/sex and I think a huge part of her self worth is wrapped up in that. So I try to be nice to her and not get at her when she's got a headache, and I get criticized.

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If shes sick or tired maybe she should just initiate with you as that would give a clear "ok" to go. When my boyfriend is sick I hug him goodnight, I don't normally get all over him and want sex and he doesn't bother me if I am sick either. I don't know anyone who really does it when their sick... And I am not really sure what this "choice" crap is about. Shes sick... Case closed either she wants it or she doesn't. And it seems pointless to try and have sex and then have her decide she doesn't want to, where does that leave you? Dissapointed and unsatisfied. Sorry it just seems like a bit of a mind game to me...

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Hey SoTired:

Regarding the sex, you definitely should initiate something, even if she shoots you down. Girls like to feel that our partners still find us sexy and attractive and desirable. If you're not initiating, she may think you no longer see these traits in her.

 

The tired/sick part, I can understand and relate to... Maybe you could take some work off her shoulders by getting a housekeeper to come in once a week, or finding a few nights a week that you cook so that burden is off her shoulders. (I won't go into too much detail on all that because you may already have a household where you do your fair share and then some.. I do not know. But if she's tired, I would suggest assessing her workload and seeing what you can do).

 

You could also try taking her out of her element a bit. One of the best dates I've ever been on was when my significant took me on a kid-free day. We went to the spa, enjoyed a couples massage and a nice dinner out, and spent the evening at a nice hotel nearby (where I didn't have to think about chores, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, etc.)

 

Just some food for thought...

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Time to consider marriage counseling. It's unfair to expect you to pull all the weight. I just have this image of a man asking his wife for sex, because she wants him to ask and then getting "No, not today, I don't feel like it. But thanks for asking" Something just doesn't sound right to me.

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Hey SoTired:

Regarding the sex, you definitely should initiate something, even if she shoots you down. Girls like to feel that our partners still find us sexy and attractive and desirable. If you're not initiating, she may think you no longer see these traits in her.

 

 

Men also want to feel that their partners are attracted to them. I'm all for men initiating sex, but it can be quite the turn on when women do it as well.

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Sure she doesn't mean "sick AND tired"?

 

They're excuses man. Just like a child will say their belly hurts so they don't have to go to school, she's telling you her belly hurts so she doesn't need to have sex with you.

 

Is she depressed? Unless she has a chronic illness and she's legitimately "sick" this is pure shenanigans and a way to avoid intimacy. If she's always "sick" when you're in the mood and never initiates anything that is quite unfair to you.

 

Relationships ebb and flow, granted. Maybe she's just in a bad place right now and needs to get out of it but it's her RESPONSIBILITY both to you and more importantly to herself to do it. If she's not taking that responsibility seriously then you need to tell her that. She needs to take some accountability here.

 

Other than that, are you doing all you can to show her that she's attractive to you in other ways still? Taking her out for dinner on a "date", taking the kids away for a day so she can have some time to herself or running a hot bath for her at night? Things like that can be easily forgotten in the "routine" of life and it could be a cause as well.

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So when she tells me she has a headache, I'm supposed to start making my move? Really? I just don't get it. To me, that is the equivalent of saying 'yeah, i heard you that you don't feel good, but I don't really care about that because I'm horny and that's more important than how you feel'.

 

We're both way way overworked with the kids, though I pull (as most who know us would agree) way more than my weight at home.

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I do think she's depressed - she's taken medication for it in the past and has a prescription now even, though she won't take them because she's worried about how they'll affect her ability to get life insurance.

 

Thing is, this complaint is coming from her. I'm not complaining that we don't have enough sex, though I would like much more. I understand she's depressed, sick, tired, whatever and I don't complain about that because I love her and want her to feel good. It's her who is complaining we don't have enough sex. I think I'm doing a lot to show her in other ways. I take the kids pretty much any time I'm not at work, giving her a break, which basically leaves me never getting a break - then I get criticized for it.

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Men also want to feel that their partners are attracted to them. I'm all for men initiating sex, but it can be quite the turn on when women do it as well.

 

Totally. As much as women want their man to make them feel desired, men should get that experience as well. It's not fair that she expects you to do all the initiating, and therefore get all the rejections. I do understand her wanting you to surprise her with the initiation of sex so that she feels like you desire her - but she is being a bit selfish and she has to realize that.

 

Maybe let her know that you would like her to initiate sex with you as well so that you feel as though she desires you. If you don't want to do that then maybe you can come to a compromise where she can wear a certain outfit or give you a certain look when she's in the mood. Then you can do the initiating with less threat of rejection.

 

Or if you can't come to a happy agreement on your own then you may wan to consider marriage counseling like LaKings55 said. A counselor may be able to help you find a solution to your problem that makes you both happy. Point being, you should both be happy!

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So I feel like who initiates is not too tough to figure out, my problem is more of feeling uncomfortable initiating when she's told me she's feeling sick or tired, which is nearly every day. I really feel 'not like myself' to initiate under these circumstances - like it's just selfish. She initiates sometimes and that's great and I appreciate it.

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though she won't take them because she's worried about how they'll affect her ability to get life insurance.

 

The underwriting on depression varies. It could not affect it at all (no suicide attempts, minimal psychotherapy, no hopitalizations, low/minimal medication) to highly affect it (History of repeated suicide attempts, Psychotic issues, history of substance abuse, history of hospitalizations and so on.)

 

She needs to talk to an agent or get quotes. It's her responsibility to take her medication and she needs to take accountability for educating herself about it.

 

I think I'm doing a lot to show her in other ways. I take the kids pretty much any time I'm not at work, giving her a break, which basically leaves me never getting a break - then I get criticized for it.

 

Ah apologies, just re-read it and noticed that. Have you guys had a chance to get away for a few days together without the kids? I understand where you're coming from here. Last year I got out of a relationship where I did 100% of the initiating and took ALL of the rejection. It's unhealthy for you. I would get that medication straightened out and perhaps go visit a professional about this for the sake of your marriage. Over time resentment is just going to build up.

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I have a feeling she wants you to not be so 'nice'. Just a hunch.

If you still want sex after she's said she's tired it means to her that you are so horny you can't control yourself, can't be considerate any more. And that is somewhat primitive and manly and oozes confidence which will possibly make her want to have sex.

Maybe try it once see if there are any results.

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Does she ever initiate?

 

EDIT: Just read your other post. If she's not getting enough sex, then she needs to initiate more often, but I agree with quirky. It sounds like she wants you to want her so much that you don't care about whether she's sick or tired. She wants to be a sex object to you sometimes.

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Does she ever initiate?

 

EDIT: Just read your other post. If she's not getting enough sex, then she needs to initiate more often, but I agree with quirky. It sounds like she wants you to want her so much that you don't care about whether she's sick or tired. She wants to be a sex object to you sometimes.

 

I think you guys are right that she wants to be treated as an object, problem is I don't see her or anyone that way and never have. Is that so bad? I suppose I can do this if it's the only way to satisfy her, but it just doesn't feel healthy to me.

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I have a feeling she wants you to not be so 'nice'. Just a hunch.

If you still want sex after she's said she's tired it means to her that you are so horny you can't control yourself, can't be considerate any more. And that is somewhat primitive and manly and oozes confidence which will possibly make her want to have sex.

Maybe try it once see if there are any results.

 

Yeah to me it's neither manly nor confident to ignore your partners words. I think I'd feel like a narcisistic rapist. I can do this if need be, but there would be nothing confident about it. It would be a charade. I love her and care about her and therefore believe and respect what she tells me.

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Yeah to me it's neither manly nor confident to ignore your partners words. I think I'd feel like a narcisistic rapist. I can do this if need be, but there would be nothing confident about it. It would be a charade. I love her and care about her and therefore believe and respect what she tells me.

 

Yeah I agree with you there. When someone says I'm tired or sick that means they're tired or sick and do not want to have sex. When they said "eh, not really in the mood" then that's a potential for taking some initiative. Tired and Sick means Not and Interested.

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I think you guys are right that she wants to be treated as an object, problem is I don't see her or anyone that way and never have. Is that so bad? I suppose I can do this if it's the only way to satisfy her, but it just doesn't feel healthy to me.

 

Not, it not so bad -- and I know women who would kill for a husband with this non-pushy attitude. I don't think she's being fair, in addition to being unappreciative. I understand that having kids does change energy levels, and therefore dynamics a lot -- but I'm not clear why, if this has been a big part of her psycho-sexual makeup (and you say her past relationships were a lot about her body and looks), why you didn't find something unhealthy about this before you got married -- worthy enough of having a discussion about. Because it seems that her method of operation regarding sex contrasts very much with yours. Even without kids in the picture, I would think an "unhealthy" mindset about sex would have somehow revealed itself earlier on. What do you think?

 

I don't believe you should have to live a charade and not be genuine. That's going to get very old, very fast. And I think it's one thing to have a fantasy that your partner ravish you, it's another to impose that on him or her in a context where it feels unnatural and uncomfortable to them for any reason. As I see it, you have several options:

 

1. Most direct and mature (which I'm not entirely sure she can handle, since her attitude is NOT a mature one): Tell her what you've said here, but start with validating how she feels: that you know she wants to feel wanted even if she's tired and sick and you get that. Then continue by saying just as she wants to be seen as desirable, you do, too, and having to get repeated rejections just for the sake of her being able to reject you is going to be discouraging and frustrating for you, and you don't want to see that turn into resentment; ask her if she can empathize with that, if she can reassure you that she's understood what you're trying to say. See if she may be open to treating these situations with a different attitude, from there. If she just gets defensive, that's going to be a lot harder and there are deeper issues than just this matter -- there's a fundamental communication barrier if two people can't listen to eachother's concerns.

 

2. When she says she's sick or tired, ask her, "How sick/tired are we talking? Are we talking no-sex-tonight sick/tired?" That's more neutral for you, and puts the onus on her to answer the question -- if she wants sex, she now has her chance to speak up or forever hold her peace

 

3. Get her a romantic greeting card, where you write in it something to this effect: "My darling, you know how badly I want you every single night. But of course, I know that some nights you won't be feeling well enough for it. It is a bummer for me because I will never stop desiring you. On those nights where you don't feel like making love, remember my words in this card: that I'm yours anytime you so choose. Think of this card as your ticket to endlessly passionate nights at whatever rate you choose. But it's going to be up to you to redeem it at will call on those nights when you've made it known you're not feeling well. So, keep this close at hand, and close to your heart. Or, close to that sweet _____ of yours. Love, Your horny-for-you-more-often-than-you-could-ever-cash-in-on husband, (sotired)" Ball's in her court. Forever. At least in these types of situations.

 

4. Just learn to suck it up when you ask and she says, "no, not tonight," realizing that it's not because you're undesirable but because she's got some insecurity issues and you're being the bigger one here.

 

I wish you luck with this, because someone with this mentality would not create these kinds of issues in the first place if they were secure in themselves and not needing you to be responsible for fixing that. Communication is the only lasting remedy for problems, not little play-acts and tests and contrivances.

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I think people are assuming that this is because she wants to be validated in some way. It's a possibility but on the flip side you can say he needs some validation himself. Plus, it could have absolutely nothing to do with it.

 

OP, how often does this happen? Every time? Once every other time? The frequency of it is pretty important to know.

 

If this is a frequent event or response to him initiating sex, sucking it up isn't really a healthy option. If it's like once a month she comes out with this. Yes.

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I can relate to this and will tell you its a recipe for BIG problems down the road. A man, just as a woman needs to feel desired. Going around and poking your wife/gf just to get off is going to get old real quick. Any woman will tell you that having an emotional connection( desire ) coupled with sex makes it 100x better. So why should men settle for anything less. I have been there and can tell you that the second I ask my wife if she wants to fool around and I get.." I guess", " do we have to" or anything short of "yeah baby, lets do it" it is a COMPLETE turn off and feels like I'm doing something against her will. Now sure, on occasion its ok, but to have this come up frequently, in my opinion is completely unfair and undermines the whole premise of intimacy. I hate to say it but one drastic move you can try is to push back a bit...in other words turn down a few advances of hers and gauge the reaction..perhaps it may re-ignite her primal instinct to become a bit more initiating.

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I think people are assuming that this is because she wants to be validated in some way. It's a possibility but on the flip side you can say he needs some validation himself. Plus, it could have absolutely nothing to do with it.

 

OP, how often does this happen? Every time? Once every other time? The frequency of it is pretty important to know.

 

If this is a frequent event or response to him initiating sex, sucking it up isn't really a healthy option. If it's like once a month she comes out with this. Yes.

 

It's like the title of the thread says. She's always sick or tired, one of the two or both every day. And she doesn't tell me this just when I initiate sex, she tells me when I get home from work and then a couple more times throughout the evening. And I understand why she would be tired - being with the kids all day exhausts me as well. As far as being sick goes, we're both sick pretty much constantly - our older son is in pre-shcool part time and both of the kids have playgroups where they're coming into contact with germs and they are always sick, then we catch these things. So for me, I'm understanding of this and I don't expect us to have sex like single people without kids. After telling me all evening how sick or tired or both she is, I would feel selfish and mean expecting her to still have sex anyway. I expected that after having children our sex life would change for the worse, at least for a while while the kids are young and just take 110% of your energy, and it has, but that doesn't change how much I love my wife. This is why it's particularly hurtful that's she's so critical of me when I feel I'm doing this to be loving to her.

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Thanks for these great suggestions - I sincerely appreciate it. You've given me a lot to think about and hopefully I can turn this into something that can make her happy. Before we had kids, it was much simpler. We both had lots of free time on our hands and though she has always been someone to be tired a lot, it wasn't something that she emphasized on a daily basis. And I don't remember a time ever where she criticized me for not approaching her for sex enough. So nothing really stuck out to me as unusual or unhealthy. Regarding our differences, not since I was a high school kid have I had flings or one night stands or sex outside of a committed monogamous relationship with someone that I could see myself marrying. I tried that and found it just left me feeling empty like I was missing out, and I've been happy with my sex life ever since. For me sex is just not enjoyable unless there is a deep and solid emotional connection. My wife has been used to her relationships being based mostly on physical attraction and then lots of fighting and drama because they weren't compatible in all of the other important ways. This isn't a problem for me because I love her and she's faithful to me, so this works fine for me from my perspective. For her though, it seems to me like it's becoming a problem for her being with someone who thinks about her as a whole first and cares if she's tired or sick or tired. I don't know though - it's hard for me to understand and when we have talked about it, she will just say she doesn't believe that's the way I really feel and that I must be gay or something.

 

I don't mind being rejected - I'm confident in myself. I've had a rich past of great relationships and I know I'm desirable. I just feel awkward feeling pressured to initiate sex when she's told me she's tired because I'm really not turned on at the thought of having sex with someone who is about to fall asleep - that's not sexy to me. I'll have to mull over your suggestions here though - some great advice. Thanks again.

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