2012 - Leave no stone unturned.

December 22 - 9 Days to go.

So, this is my first post on ENA in quite some time. I've grown in ways since I last posted here, and lately, I feel I'm regressing, so here I am.

Over the last few years, I've found myself in some very bad situations, relationship wise. I haven't looked, but I'm willing to bet that some of my old threads are still around discussing that. I'm over the actual relationship(s), but I'm carrying some very negative residual baggage, and I'm hoping that someone with an open mind can provide some insight, or even a new way of thinking about my situation.

So, here goes.

In August, I saw my last serious ex-girlfriend for the last time. She moved to Florida to be with her parents, and to try to kick her growing Meth addiction. At that point, we had been officially broken up for about 9 months, but had seen each other off and on in-between short lived relationships with others. Our last reconciliation was heart-wrenching for me. I had no idea that she had had such a problem, as she hid the addiction from me for a very long time, and we hadn't spoken or seen each other for about 5 months before she moved.

After the move, we were still in touch for a while, with me seriously considering a move to Florida to try to help her, and possibly rebuild our relationship for the ump-teenth time. She decided to pursue a different guy she knew, by throwing her body at him. We split paths; I dodged a bullet.

I dated another girl for a month not long after that, but it was more of me seeking a rebound; a "cleansing" of my ex out of my system. There was no chemistry, so it didn't last. I wasn't too torn up about it. However, in this same time frame, one of my best friends (I have two) moved out of state, and the other decided NOT to move back here. I also realized very quickly that almost all of my other friends now have lives that largely don't involve me. I figured I could just make new friends, or find a new activity, or just make due.

Fast forwarding to now: I am slipping. I've been a fan of Hard Rock/Metal for a very long time, but I find myself re-writing lyrics while singing along to sub-consciously tear myself down, or even insinuate that I would be better off dead.

In general, I am bored with my life, and I am very, very lonely. My days consist of work, then going home - where I still live with my parents - shutting myself in my room, and staring at the walls. I have had offers to go out, but I am terrified of meeting new people. I have a lot of social anxiety.

To sum up my feelings, I crave attention but I am so afraid to test new waters, for friendship or otherwise, that I find myself actively avoiding those situations. I feel like the most lonely and pathetic person on Earth.

I guess you could say this entire post is a desperate cry for attention. I've wrestled with the idea of posting here for weeks. What I'm asking out of all of this: Are there any ways to turn how I'm feeling into a positive situation? I know that I eventually have to *just do* something social to meet new people, but I convince myself before I even go that no one wants me there.

I've been telling everyone, including me, that 2012 will be different. That I'll be back in school, even if it's online classes; that I'll do something more pro-active to meet new people; that I'll finally stop beating myself up so much and work on my confidence instead of just faking it until no one is looking. But I'm not sure I believe myself. I'm scared. And I need help to do this.