I'm so obsessed with my current boyfriend. It's ruining my life

I do not like the person ive become. I used to be very independent, made my own rules, did my own thing, I was happy. But the relationship progressed with my boyfriend, despite loving him and he loving me. I noticed I have become obsessed and I am so ashamed because I used to pity women like this. My obsession has nothing to do with him and all with me I have bad anxiety I do not want to lose him. I hate what I have become. I want to go back to being independent but still being in a relationship. Im afraid to lose him and I get anxious when he doesn't always call me or text me and I feel silly for basing his love for me on those things because its not true and its awfully unrealistic as he IS busy. I know he loves and cares about, I know he does.

How can I go back to stop obsessing. I called him 5 times in one day. Five. Ive never done this with ANY GUY! Before I used to give him space and wouldn't obsess and than he would naturally come to me and it felt healthy. Now its like a drug I want more and more and I become entranced and obsessed and I wont leave him alone. I even cry and act like a complete infant. This behavior is not normal and I dont understand why Im becoming this way. I know its not him, I know he loves me and proves it although I do get annoyed when he says he will call but doesn't but I can't fault him cause there are times when he does call. Im so upset with myself. How can I go back to being who I used to be except better? Im normally not obsessive so Im so shocked at my behavior. This week I plan on going back to living my life, going back to work, focussing back on school and my hobbies and putting my cell phone down and leaving him alone. Please help. This is my issue and not his. I have a problem. Any ideas? When I dont hear from him I get anxious. I can't stop thinking about him. I dont know whats come over me. A month ago I was fine and normal and now i've exploded. Ive been practicing breathing exercises.

I've been with guys before but they were all losers to be frank. With this guy, who I've been with for 5 months now he is different. He's not like other guys he's a man. With a real career, going back to school to finish up, has his own life, and than me. I'm so used to having my boyfriends at the time spend all their time and energy on me and now that I am with this guy it's a huge change. And it makes me want to cling more which is something I normally don't do. I know he loves me and misses me and cares I don't know why I'm so obsessed. I need advice and if anyone else is going through the same that would help too. It's ruining my life truth be told, I don't even go to work anymore. I realize how pathetic I've become because of my anxiety and my own issue. He's a great guy he's not perfect but I know he's genuine.

bump ................

I know how you feel I am same way with my bf and no matter how much I try to stop I am still clingy. My situation is a lot different than yours though I am in ldr and I don't see my bf a lot. We have been together for three years I'm crazy about this guy. There are times I will keep txting him and calling him than I feel bad that I'm annoying him. My advice is maybe this bf of yours is a busy guy and ur other bf were not and they gave you more attention than him. How often do you guys talk and see each other? Also personally you should not tolerate him not calling u when he said he would that's not being clingy that is him breaking a promise. If he is really busy take him off ur mind right away as soon as u think about him. Call a friend, text a friend instead of him. Hun he is still there u are not gonna lose him, talk to him about the situation and resolve it as soon as possible so ur relationship doesn't suffer.

Well he is forgetful at times and yes he's a busy guy. He does call me back sometimes but it's something I have to remind him to do cause he forgets, but it makes me even more obsessive I'm so ashamed. Seeing each other 1-2 times a week has made me want to see him everyday. We talk on the phone 3 times a week tops but lately I keep calling and calling and calling and calling and calling I intuivey know what I'm doing is unhealthy and wrong but when I call and call and call and call EVEN though he's told me "I'm at work" I can't stop myself it's like a drug..... Im so ashamed. I know I sound pathetic.. I don't know what has gotten over me! I know he's not going anywhere I have no idea why I always need to cling and cling normally I oppose such behavior heck I even advise my friends to not do this but here I am! doing just that! It hasn't gotten to a bad extent not yet I've thankfully caught myself at just the excessive calling (5 times in one day and overly messaging) enough for me to see that enough is Enough!!!

How can I end the behavior? I know he appreciates that I give him attention and call him etc. But ugh... I can't stop... I can tell he's getting a little irritated.

Lostgirl, it's nice to know someone else is in the same situation. Well sort of. Do you call him excessively too?

Hi Jenunie, this is actually a very common relationship dynamic you have noticed. Whilst the anxiety can be debilitating and difficult to deal with, the great thing i notice is that you are on the track to recovery by noticing your and taking responsibility of your own feelings and emotions.

There's a number of approaches to deal with this which i highly recommend to see a professional therapist (trained psychologist would be best) and work on issues such as your self esteem, self-love, codependency and fear of abandonment issues. If you enjoy reading, then pickup some relationship/self help book on the previously said topics, one call "passion trap" is a good place to start.

As you have realized, most of your fear is coming from the thoughts of losing him. Understand that you are dealing with a "thought" and thoughts can be changed just like you change what you retain on your bookshelf. Now the intensity of this fear of loss usually is linked to the "Self" - ie. your self-worth, image of yourself, what defines you and your life and this can be healed by practicing loving of self. We all suffer to certain extent the fear of a loss, or maybe put it this way - we call get hurt from time to time by people leaving us, but how much we suffer from the hurt can be a matter of choice. The amount of self-love you can practice to define who you are (your identity as separate to your bf), to offer what you need and to keep you happy will determine how much fear you'll be left with from abandonment.

You mentioned that you have started already doing things for yourself and trying to make yourself happy, this is a great start. Don't stop there, but keep focusing on making yourself happy more and more. The more you can love yourself the more your ability to share your love with others and this ability of love will in turn keep your partner nourished.

The entire paradigm in healing your experience i guess is - don't expect someone else to keep you happy and give you love, you give that to yourself and others. You'd be surprised at how much love you'll get in return

Happyhealing

I have been a lot worse than u I called him 50 or 60 times in one day but that's bc he purposely avoided me a little different but there's no excuse for my behavior either. Don't feel bad u have to find a way to keep ur mind off of him. I know it feels impossible put 100 percent effort think abt the outcome u won't be the clingy gf u depise and u won't make him suffocated. Get a gym membership, run, spend time with family these things really helped me.

Happy healing,

great advice. I really thank you. You brought up some important parts.

Like therapy? I'm wary about that. Is there a reason why that was suggested? Do you notice anything that I don't about myself?

Self-love. I don't know if that's entirely there. I have an idea that it is but I doubt it's genuine. I am trying very hard to get there but I have no idea where to start or where to look or even what that is. What is self-love? Is telling myself that I am beautiful self-love? Because my boyfriend tells me this all the time, and other people do and I honestly don't believe it. I guess I do have some self-esteem issues... and I guess I do need his attention and love to validate some part of myself. This is so hard, but I am willing to work and progress as a person. I feel like this relationship with him forces me to transform myself - for the better or worse is still undecided but I find that he is promoting some crucial aspects hidden at the most out of me, and with great purpose.

I had no idea I was capable of this behavior. I am ashamed. I also have a habit of thinking the worst of him I used to think he was full of sh*t. I was not used to good guys. But when I really pay attention he is a good guy, not perfect but he's not someone that is abusive not at all.

Jenuine, you really nailed it on some of your observations.

On therapy, we can all get to know ourselves better than any one else eventually (or at times), sometimes though, our vision can be clouded by our emotional responses - and this is where a trained professional can be greatly helpful. They are not cheap though, but worth the spending i believe, if you find the right one for you.

Now self-love, to practice that, the very first thing and foremost is self-acceptance, accepting you are whole and complete as who you are, with all the 'imperfection' you may have, you are perfectly fine, worthy of love and deserve of love. Cast aside any self-criticism - no matter how 'right' they may sound, accept yourself fully. Approve of yourself, all your feelings and behaviors, validate yourself.

The more self-love you practice the less validation and attention from external source you need.

Yes how exciting, you have found a relationship that is right for you just at the right time, for your transformation - and of course would be a life transformation and for the better only

Forgiveness is also part of self-love, you need to forgive yourself, let yourself have and own all the feelings that comes up, acknowledge that they are there, things like shame, anger, fear etc... notice they come up, but do not judge yourself and/or criticise yourself for that, and let them go, watch them slowly leave you just like watching the river flowing pass under the bridge.

Time to work on yourself, time to love yourself and heal yourself - what an exciting transformation - with or without your bf, you have come to a amazing juncture of your life, do the work and you'll be in a great place.

oh... read this book "you can heal youself" by Louis Hay, a great start for self love!

Get busy with your own life. Seriously - fill your spare time up with other things you need to be doing, classes, hobbies, friends. Don't give yourself time to sit about waiting for phonecalls and texts.

Also - why now? Why with this guy? Is he doing anything to make you suspicious? I've found that if you genuinely are an independent, non-jealous, well rounded girl and you start getting 'vibes' something is wrong - then invariably you're correct. I trust my gut these days. Guys will gaslight you from here to eternity if you let them.

Thanks Fern,

I actually don't know.

Jenuine, I can empathise with your feelings. A few months back this was me. It could've been me writing what you wrote here. The obsessiveness and the anxiety creeps up on you, and before you know it, you hardly know who you are anymore. It isn't healthy at all. But you know, my focus had switched, and almost every aspect of my life became about the other person, and I lost all true sense of mySELF. I was living for the other person, and not myself. I had no idea how I came to be like this; it was a first for me too.

I wasn't happy – I was so miserable; and spent all my time fretting, crying, and being overwhelmed by my emotions. I blamed my unhappiness on the other person. Had it in my head, that it was something they were doing wrong.

Like you, that irrational fear of losing the other person can drive you literally insane. The constant over-thinking, and over-analysing every minute detail of conversations, texts , or lack thereof, etc entraps you into a spiral of negativity and hopelessness, and feeling lost – losing your centre.

I'm happy to say that I am no longer in that dark, horrible place. I did go for counselling, which helped me a lot in other areas of my life; but I still felt 'stuck' in this one area for quite some time.

One thing my counsellor did say was that I was to learn to Love MYSELF. That statement is bandied around so much these days that it's become such a cliché, and one that is too easily overlooked.

Each time I looked in the mirror, I felt unattractive; ugly even. All my 'flaws' stood out like huge warts. My anxiety, possessiveness, jealousy, frustration, and heartache oozed out of every pore in my face, and body. If this is what you see in the mirror; it's what everyone else sees too; including your boyfriend! (obviously, on a more subtle level). So therefore, the very things we're wanting to attract (love, and the right attention) is naturally repelled.

What you can do though, is develop a shift in attitude towards yourSELF. So, DO the following everyday (as many times as you wish):

Silently give thanks for everything that you currently have in your life

Do your breathing exercises and afterwards ,when you are in a calm and meditative state, visualize loving your boyfriend with an open heart – mentally surrounding him with the purest love you can imagine, from your heart – no strings! And, then do the same for YOU.

Do this as often as you can throughout the day when you feel any negative impulses. This is the most IMPORTANT thing you can do. And, when you do this, SMILE.

Look your best everyday – dress attractively, put on make-up etc, and then admire your beauty and attractiveness in the mirror, as often as you can!!

Drink WATER, and lots of it, and savour every sip.

Really, this does work, if you keep at it; because you are bringing more of yourself back into focus, and which will bring you back to where you belong. The rest will follow naturally, and you will find many more ways of making yourself feel good and feel more worthy about yourself.

So, as well as the above; there's only one DONT!!

Do not EVER 'give' more than you're getting. Let HIM text you. Let HIM phone you. After all, he has to be given some choice in the relationship. Allow yourself to be the subject of his desire, by appealing to him with your new found confidence, and self-love, and your OWN inner happiness (which exists even without him); and allowing him the opportunity to chase you (so to speak). If you're constantly sending him texts, you're taking away his choice to contact you, and ultimately giving him no work to do on his own!

Give it some time to work. If, everytime you see him, you're happy, and confident, and in love with the person you are; the more he'll fall over himself to want to give you his love.

All the best.

Happy healing,

 

great advice. I really thank you. You brought up some important parts.

Like therapy? I'm wary about that. Is there a reason why that was suggested? Do you notice anything that I don't about myself?

Really? I think the obsession with the bf, the anxiety, and the worry. Do you think therapy is going to make you even more obsessed? Cause it will only help.

I agree with happyhealing, it sounds like some therapy might help you. You say you have anxiety and I also think you have some self esteem issues. I reading your post is really seems to me (and I'm not a professional so this just my opinion) that you think he's too good for you. You said all the other guys you dated were losers and you weren't like this with them, but this guy is better and you're completely over-taken by worry that he might leave you.

Honey, he's with you for a reason. He likes you. Calm down, take a breath and try to just let him enjoy being with you. Unfortunately, if you do continue to worry and pester him this will become a self-fullfilling prophecy. He will feel trapped and find a way out.

Maybe you are right. Therapy is expensive though. I find that identifying my issue - obsession - and my insecurity and irrational feelings makes things a lot more easier and better for me. I woke up today feeling brand new almost.. Is this a normal feeling?

I'm afraid therapy will make things worse. I've never done it.

Moneyponey.. you are so right.... you know before I used to be very into my own life and usually that would have me not always being around or messaging or calling him and he would do all of that! And now I've become obsessed always calling and texting because I feel if I don't show him any of this he will leave me and find someone else even though he's said time again that he wants me and only me but words are words and some people lie...

I haven't had the urge to call him today or message him. Like before. Before I would call him even when I was at work. It was so bad and I felt ashamed but I should also accept my ashamed feelings because it's apart of and it's apart of my emotions. I'm trying to make the connection of what changed?

What changed between me before and me now.

Jenuine, this sounds also as if you are starting to develop trust issues which will have been brought on by all your other conflicting emotions. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with anyone without trust. And it's not just about trusting other people; you have to trust in yourself first, and believe in yourself – that's your starting point.

Happyhealing and Lovesodeep have provided you with some excellent ideas and thoughts around the possible root cause of your situation.

There is a lot that we carry around inside us from early childhood. We can go through life as happy as Larry with seemingly no problems for years; and then suddenly something comes along and upsets our equilibrium. In a way, it's like a wake up call...for us to look at our own personal development, spiritual growth, and maturity.

I strongly believe that the fear of losing someone has it's root in unconsious fears of abandonment, which will more than likely stem from certain childhood experiences. It certainly was the case for me. And although I was aware of painful experiences from my early years, until I had counselling, I hadn't been able to link those experiences to the way that I have always dealt with my relationships, and how I viewed myself.

I would say that most of the people on ENA who give advice, have been for counselling/therapy themselves, and have found it invaluable.

Your mental health is as important as your physical health, and if one is out of balance, it has a negative impact on the other over time.

In my opinion, it is money well worth spent, and counselling is the quickest and easiest route to getting yourself back on track. Usually, it takes around 6 sessions, unless of course there are extreme and serious issues to be resolved.

As for the texting and calling, you may have to sit on your hands for a while. It will be painful at first, but your boyfriend will soon notice, and he WILL call/text you...and that will be a little victory for you!!

"He's not like other guys he's a man".

This right here is important. You are obsessive over him for this reason. You said you met nothing but jerks who were clinging to you. You pity clingers as well. The reason why you pity clingers is because you are probably afraid of ever becoming one yourself although perhaps deep down you knew you could become one. A lot of the times we accuse people of the very thing we fear that we will do ourselves.

You sound like you are lacking in self worth and self confidence. Perhaps it's because you dated men who were jerks. These experiences probably left you feeling hollow, loveless and without confidence. Now that you have a great guy as your boyfriend, you are frightened that it's too good to be true.

You are full of anxiety that he might become one of the jerks you met before, perhaps. Maybe you are afraid of yourself as well, and you know that being clingy, the one thing you were trying to fight away so long, will destroy the relationship.

So, what you need to do is simple. Do things that will make yourself proud of you. Suddenly the clingyness will vanish as you become more confident in yourself. Get a job. If you don't work...then that gives you so much time to obsess. Not having a job can make you feel lousy about yourself and your self worth. Make sure, there is no time for you to obsess. If you find yourself obsessing, get up and do something productive for yourself and your life.

Even if it's something like going out o an run outside. Don't sit indoors and think about your boyfriend so much. Fight it, starting today. Make plans to do something productive the moment you start obsessing. I think getting a job or taking a school course of some sort, will be a lot more beneficial than therapy. I think deep down you know what you need to do to make yourself more confident.

Don't avoid it, write an honest list of things. Getting a job could be the first thing.

I really hope you feel better soon.

Make a copy of this, carry it with you and whenever you feel that you want to 'obsess' over him, whether its call or text him or worry about it in your head then just read this to remember and realise how silly you are being. I also agree with the others on here and think you need to look at the deeper meaning behind this and work on your self esteem etc

Make a copy of this, carry it with you and whenever you feel that you want to 'obsess' over him, whether its call or text him or worry about it in your head then just read this to remember and realise how silly you are being.

Um....Lucy, no offence - I know you mean well; but that remark may well come accross as slightly patronizing, especially if you're not from the UK. But even so; within the context of Jenuine's situation; or anyone else's for that matter; she is not being silly at all, in any way, shape, or form; whichever way you look at it.

Experiencing high emotions, and dealing with emotions that we may not always understand, or be familiar with; and our reactions and feelings to situations, is NEVER silly - EVER.

Far better that she print out the compassionate thoughts and advice given by the poster's here who have had first hand experience with these feelings, and have overcome them through therapy, or other means.

I think I know what you mean though - but it's only once you've resolved the situation that you may feel it was all rather silly...if you know what I mean!

Every single time you feel the urge to call him either do physical exercise (I don't care if you run in place or dance in your room, or go out for a brisk walk) or call someone else and do not talk about him or your obsession -in fact, let the other person do most of the talking and you focus on being an active listener. That will start to train your mind not to "go there" because you're basically going to ignore the urge to go there. Not the feelings- you can't control that - but the actions or reactions to those feelings.

My ex was like this too. Except mixed with negativity about me which she said was from her anxiety. She said she was losing herself, and she was so focused on making me happy.

She ended up leaving me. Especially when I gave her what she wanted (or tried), which was more of me. The more distant she became, the more i pushed in (typical mistake for most break ups).

Smh...

I say start to embrace being alone and loving yourself a bit more. Start to divide your life in a healthy way, develop back into an independent person that doesnt lead validation from anyone. Start new hobbies, interests, etc. You dont need anyone else for fun and new experiences. Its always healthy to have a life outside of a relationship than not.

Thank You guys so much. I feel great, better. Yesterday I read the book "Why women love B****" and it gave me great insight which made me feel even better about myself. I felt the urge to actually stop obsessing and going back to live my life and whatnot. I actually went back to work! And felt great! Went back to focussing on my studies...

You are right. I am afraid he will become one of those guys... but so far he hasn't. I also think THE WORST OF HIM! Subconsciously... and then he ends up doing the opposite of my negative thought/expectation. Any ideas to why I do this? I do pity clingers because deep down I AM that person somewhere. Right now I am pulling back.. I've been doing a lot of breathing exercises.. Is it healthy that I still think about him though? Its not as obsessive and anxiety-ridden as before, before I would get panic attacks and cry because I thought he was going to leave me or turn into any of the jerks I dated.. But now I think about him and just hope hes doing alright because he is very busy with his life and he is so stressed out about other things. I have thoughts of us having really good moments (so far in the relationship all we've had is really great moments, the only bad moments that occurred was him being disappointed in me) is it okay to still think about him ?

He is teaching me a lot about myself. I called him last night spoke to him for a minute, hearing his voice was nice. But today I made no calls no messages. I "lived" today. I feel great, I feel as if I am beginning to go back into control of my life...

And truth be told I do have self-esteem/confidence issues. But I try everyday. It's not as bad as it used to be, i've gotten much more confident than I used to be. I also have another question, are you supposed to be/see/talk to your lover every single day? Because another reason why I clinged to him, was that having my previous boyfriends ALWAYS there was the relationship dynamic. I clinged because I genuinely thought that was the only way to love someone.. by always spending time being there talking 24/7 until I realized this guy is not like this. He has a LIFE. Which threw me off completely.

My ex was like this too. Except mixed with negativity about me which she said was from her anxiety. She said she was losing herself, and she was so focused on making me happy.

 

She ended up leaving me. Especially when I gave her what she wanted (or tried), which was more of me. The more distant she became, the more i pushed in (typical mistake for most break ups).

 

Smh...

 

I say start to embrace being alone and loving yourself a bit more. Start to divide your life in a healthy way, develop back into an independent person that doesnt lead validation from anyone. Start new hobbies, interests, etc. You dont need anyone else for fun and new experiences. Its always healthy to have a life outside of a relationship than not.

The trouble with embracing being alone for me means, or signifies if I have to enjoy or embrace being alone it makes me feel like the relationship will end. I think or the obsessive side of me thinks "alone = no relationship"

When you say that statement do you mean, embrace the freedom and space he gives me?

The trouble with embracing being alone for me means, or signifies if I have to enjoy or embrace being alone it makes me feel like the relationship will end. I think or the obsessive side of me thinks "alone = no relationship"

 

When you say that statement do you mean, embrace the freedom and space he gives me?

No, embrace the freedom and space you give yourself. He doesnt have to give you anything, you have just as much power and value in this relationship as he does, when you lose that you will lose everything, including him. When hes not there, go discover a new hobby like yoga and build a new social circle, create new goals and plans outside of him, etc. This can serve as a distraction, help regain your independence, and build your confidence as you expand your interests and hopefully meet new people. I feel if you dont fear being alone, then you wont obsess about it, and you wont stress the relationship.

Besides, its cute. I love when I have someone and they learn something new, and a bit of distance and loss of a bit of attention creates sexual tension for me.