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I have a crush on a coworker. Is this a good sign or is he just being friendly?


Paradoxale

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I need an external point of view...

 

I have a crush on a coworker. We've been working on the same floor for two years, but he recently joined my team. I've never had the chance to talk to him until now. I must admit I'm totally charmed. TOTALLY!!! However, I'm not sure he feels the same way. I would like to know what you guys think of the following situation:

 

Friday afternoon, him, me, two other coworkers and our team leader were having a discussion about random subjects. (It was mostly us getting to know him and him talking about his life.) At some point, I kind of became distant. I don't know why. It's like I wanted to distance myself. So, I kept looking away and getting lost in my thoughts. I occasionally turned my head to look at him while he was talking to our team leader. He put his eyes on me really often while he was talking to her. He looked at me more than he looked at the other coworkers too even though they were also listening to him talking. Then, while he was still talking to our team leader and I was still looking away because I was still lost in my thoughts, he jokingly said: "Sorry Tania! I guess he prefers Spanish to French!" (All my coworkers are English and I'm French.) As he said my name, I turned to look at him all surprised and wondered why I was suddenly part of the conversation. I just laughed and said: "It's okay!

 

Does that mean anything? I wasn't part of the conversation he was having with our team leader. He was talking to her about x subject and I wasn't fully listening to the conversation. I was even looking away when he randomly said my name. So, why did he make me part of the conversation by joking about me? I was kind of happy he did that, but... is that really a good sign? I'm probably not objective because I like him. As well, he's really friendly with everyone. So, it's so hard to tell whether he likes me or he is just being friendly with me as well.

 

Thanks!

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When you are joining a team you want to be accepted by everyone if possible - if someone seems to be ignoring you then the natural tendency is to try and get their attention so you feel properly included in the group. It isn't that he wanted to impress you per se.

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It seems to me that he was simply trying to include you in the conversation as you appeared to be disengaged. On a side note I always recommend being very, very careful about getting into relationships with colleagues. More often than not it can lead to awakardness, anger, resentment, unhealthy competitiveness and possibly worse. Sometimes these things just happen but I have terminated people over conduct that occurred at work as the result of a relationship gone bad. Good luck!

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I don't understand why you "became distant." Is that a flirtation trick or something? or do you just suddenly and involuntarily become distant when guys are talking to you?

 

If you're a decent looking female and have no serious deformities (like 6 fingers or a tail or something), then you can always assume a man is somewhat interested. Based on your post, you've made no effort whatsoever to "charm" him. You've only (inexplicably) acted "distant." And I don't even know what "subtly flirted" means. LOL.

 

Just flirt with him--UNsubtly!--the next time you see him. You women are really good at making us guys feel like we're important: laugh when he says something (even if it's not funny); twirl your hair...etc. etc.

 

It's not hard at all for even a semi-attractive female to get a guy interested. We're pretty simple creatures.

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So... here's a little update. I feel so ashamed. Oh my god...

 

Yesterday afternoon, I sent him an e-mail at work. Here's the context. In our team, when it's someone's birthday, we get them a cake. We have sheet with people's birthdays. So, here's how the conversation started. (And I admit I was looking for an excuse to talk to him)

 

Me: When you have the time, you should update this sheet with your birthday.

I know that it was your birthday not that long ago, but we never know...

You might still be in the team next year. So, it's still good to update it.

How old are you anyway? Is it too personal to ask?

I'm just curious because I'm not good at guessing people's age.

 

Him: I'm 32, but with the brain of a 2 years old.

 

Me: Ahaha! Nothing wrong with that.

I actually think it's a good thing. I find you very funny.

 

Him: As long as you don't laugh at me!

 

Me: I would never do that... unless you start singing again, ahah!

I thought you were older than you are, but I mean this in a good way.

 

Him: I do look older, but it's all wisdom!

 

Me: Oh, I see! That's what it is.

Well, wisdom looks really good on you.

 

Him: In that case, I will have to try to gain more.

 

Me: I don't think you need more. You look really good already.

And it might just make it more difficult for me if you try to gain more.

 

After that last e-mail I sent, I shut down my computer because it was time to go home. But while I was putting my coat on, he came by. Well... It was kind of strange. We looked at each other and then I looked elsewhere. I had to get my purse and I was so nervous. Then, he said: "It's time to go home?" I said: "Yes... if I can just get my purse out of my desk." He walked to the other desk where two other of our coworkers were. He asked if I was off tomorrow (meaning today) and I said I would be in. We all said goodbye. (Him, me and the two other coworkers) I didn't really know what to think, but I was looking forward to seeing how he would act with me today. Well, it was quiet when he got to work. (I start at 7 and he starts at 8.) I was kind of disappointed. He walked in front of my desk to go to the printer and said nothing. But when he walked back again, he shouted: "Good morning Tania!" Usually, he doesn't say good morning to me. Later on, I was standing up and shouting something to our team leader. While I was doing that, he walked in front of me and we looked at each other and he came toward me. I was wondering what he was doing. He checked the box of donuts in front of my desk and then said while looking at me: "Hum, there's nothing left." I was still talking to my team leader... or trying to. I just smiled at him. At another point, while coming back from the printer again, he came by the window behind my desk to look at the snow. We talked about that for a few minutes and then our team leader joined the conversation. He did the same thing earlier as well. I was talking to my team leader about a project. Someone shouted: "It's snowing like crazy!!!" He came by the window behind my desk again and the three of us started talking. So, we both acted as usual (except he doesn't usually come by at my desk this often) which to me didn't seem like a good sign. The problem is that he eventually mentioned his son... and his wife... and I was like... bleh... I felt stupid.

 

Before I left for the day, when he was alone, I went and apologized to him. I said: "I'm sorry for the e-mails I sent you yesterday." He said: "Why? There was nothing wrong. Don't worry." In my head, I was like: "Is he messing with me? It's impossible he didn't realize I was actually making a move on him!!!" He said: "I didn't get the chance to respond." I said "No, no, it's not that. It's just... Maybe I shouldn't have said that." He kept saying: "No, no don't worry!" We were looking at each other and it was so weird. I still feel weird, like I just want to rewind to yesterday BEFORE I sent him that e-mail.

 

Bleh...

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It does explain a lot. I still feel bad though, like I shouldn't have done that. And I'm not sure apologizing to him was a good thing. Maybe I should have just left things the way they were. Now, I just feel worse because of the awkward apologizing. The good thing is it's the holidays and we won't see each other again until January 3rd. It should help us forget this little incident...

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Reading your post I think it would have been better not to have apologised - but it's too late now - and I probably would have done what you did too. But your initial emails weren't too bad, you could have just been friendly and flattering... I would just try to forget it now and when you do get back there, just be friendly but act like nothing happened. Just treat him as a workmate.

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I could have just been flattering him. I wonder if that's actually how he took it. He looked so confused when I apologized to him, like he didn't realize I was actually flirting with him in the e-mails. Then, I looked confused too because I thought it was clear as mud that I was flirting. Well... When I walked towards his desk, he was doing small talk with a coworker sitting near him. That coworker is a new employee. She comes from China and her English is not that good. Anyway, I stood in between their desks and I first turned to her to wish her a Merry Christmas. Then, I got closer to his desk and I turned completely to him to make it more private. We started talking at the same time. He started wishing me a Merry Christmas while I started saying not too loud "I'm sorry for the e-mails I sent you yesterday." I wonder if he was acting confused and strange because the other coworker was maybe still listening? It didn't seem important to me that she was near by because I wasn't talking too loud, and she doesn't understand English that well, and I didn't say anything wrong. I just said I was sorry for the e-mails and that I shouldn't have said that and he just said not to worry. What more could he have said anyway? Ok, I think I'm thinking too much here... I don't know why, but I can't stop thinking about it!!!

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I just want to say that I love the way you write.... It reminds me of an ex, also a lady of French extraction. The 'we never know' thing is what got me. She wrote that exact same line. Very cute. Or I think so! I don't have any advice for you, but thought that I would share the compliment. I'm sure that you'll find a guy who feels same as I do.

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Seriously: a guy having a wife and a kid will still flirt. Lots of married men cheat (and I'm not recommending it; just sayin').

 

At this point, he's either: gay; or, he's that all-too-rare of a male species who is actually faithful to his wife; or, he's just not physically attracted to you.

 

On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself?

 

There's gotta be an explanation to his weird behavior.

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Seriously: a guy having a wife and a kid will still flirt. Lots of married men cheat (and I'm not recommending it; just sayin').

 

At this point, he's either: gay; or, he's that all-too-rare of a male species who is actually faithful to his wife; or, he's just not physically attracted to you.

 

On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself?

 

There's gotta be an explanation to his weird behavior.

 

I'd say 8. I've been told I'm very pretty (even by some women). I have no problem getting dates either. I've approached and I've been approached. And I don't get turned down for at least a first date when I approach. Honestly, I'm really confident in my appearance. I think he finds me attractive because before we were in the same team and started talking to each other, he used to stare at me a lot. So, I definitely thought he was interested or, at least, attracted. Plus, he doesn't wear a ring. I just think he's faithful and it's perfect that way.

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I'd say 8. I've been told I'm very pretty (even by some women). I have no problem getting dates either. I've approached and I've been approached. And I don't get turned down for at least a first date when I approach. Honestly, I'm really confident in my appearance. I think he finds me attractive because before we were in the same team and started talking to each other, he used to stare at me a lot. So, I definitely thought he was interested or, at least, attracted. Plus, he doesn't wear a ring. I just think he's faithful and it's perfect that way.

 

Well, in my opinion:

 

There's a 50% chance he'll get divorced within the next few years, so you'll have a shot if you're still into him and single. (not that I'm hoping he'll get divorced; it's just a sad reality).

 

But if you're actually an "8", you probably like him because he's that rare guy you can't have.

 

Can't believe you haven't gotten a guy, though. There are tons of plenty of rich good looking dudes for every female "8."

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Well, in my opinion:

 

There's a 50% chance he'll get divorced within the next few years, so you'll have a shot if you're still into him and single. (not that I'm hoping he'll get divorced; it's just a sad reality).

 

But if you're actually an "8", you probably like him because he's that rare guy you can't have.

 

Can't believe you haven't gotten a guy, though. There are tons of plenty of rich good looking dudes for every female "8."

 

True. Subconsciously, I probably am attracted to him because I know I can't have him. However, that's where it stops. He acts as if nothing happened. I think it's clear that he doesn't care. I shouldn't either, but I do. I admit that it bothers the hell out of me that he acts indifferent. I admit that it frustrates me. I wish he would give me a sign that he's not completely indifferent. A smile. A glance. Anything. But I'm realistic. I know it's not going to happy and it's better this way. It's time to move on.

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I wouldn't have apologized for that email. It's not blatant sexual or harassment. A little flirty, but nothing to worry about.

 

Could it be why he acts indifferent now? He seemed to be more around me (that's how it felt like to me) the day after the e-mails. But after the apologies, it just seems like he doesn't care. I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking too much.

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Ok, how do you forget someone you see everyday?

Damn, today was so hard.

 

Every morning at 9:30 am, we play trivia (just one question). I was at one of our coworker's desk who happens to sit near him at that time. After everybody submitted their answers, he came by our coworker's desk where I was. He started talking and I looked at him for not even a second, but ignore him afterward. I looked at everybody except him and, when he talked, I either looked down or elsewhere. Then, as he was still talking, I left. I went back to my desk. Later on, I was at the same coworker's desk again. X came back from his lunch. He passed beside me and said something to me. I answered, but without looking at him. Then, instead of going back to his desk, he stayed at our coworker's desk to continue talking. I fought so hard to ignore him. I looked away and played with papers for a few minutes while he was talking. I was waiting for him to go away. He showed a picture of him with a mustache to two of our coworkers. I pretended I wasn't interested. I kept playing with the papers, but he then put his phone in my face and showed me the picture. So, I commented on it. He went to sit at his desk, but he kept talking still. So... I just left. I went to the bathroom. When I came back, nobody was talking anymore. He however started talking again when I started talking to our coworker. He looked at me and our coworker suddenly turned away (back to x and me) to work and x still looked at me. It just seemed like he didn't want to stop talking. I was trying so hard to ignore him, but he kept looking at me like he wanted to talk. He made a comment and I just couldn't ignore him anymore. Nobody else but me was actively listening to him since our coworker turn his back on us. So, we talked for 5 minutes. The more we were talking, the more I was melting.

 

After our 5 minutes conversation, I went back to my desk. I started decorating my desk for Valentine's day. (I know, ahah! It's a tradition we have at work.) I decorated the other desks too. So, I put some little hearts on our coworkers' desks, but not on his side. He kind of noticed and started talking about that with another coworker. Then, they started talking about something else. I was just beside. So, I was kind of part of the conversation, but only listening. He looked at me sometimes while talking, but when he mentioned his wife and his son, I went elsewhere. I continued decorating instead, like everywhere. I put some hearts on his desk. When he came back at his desk, he asked if I decorated he said: "Oh, yes! Little hearts!" Then, he took 3 of them and scotch taped them on his shirt. He approached our coworker and me (he was really close to me actually) and asked us (but he was looking at me while asking) if it looked good. I said it kind of looked tacky with the scotch tape. And, then, we just joked around. I felt kind of a sadness afterward, though, because it just made me like him even more. That's why I wanted to ignore him in the first place. Talking to him just makes it harder to move on. I was almost mad at myself that I wasn't able to ignore him like I wanted.

 

Seriously, I think this will be more difficult than I thought. I keep thinking about him right now just because of everything that happened today... which is nothing really. This is ridiculous.

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