"It's Still Not Over"

That's a quote from the ending scene of The Notebook. I wrote it because the movie reminds me of what happened between me and my first love, whom I recently reconnected with.

We dated five years ago, we were each others' first loves. Five years is a long time and a lot can change. She broke it off with me way back then. I've had relationships since, but to be honest she's never been far from my thoughts. One of those no-closure scenarios. I'm sure some of you can relate...

I called her up after five years of no contact. She was always trying to get ahold of me; well, for two years after our breakup at least. I went completely no contact. She'd send emails and call, and I never wrote back, and never answered. I'm sure most of you can relate to that. The pain of doing that, anyway.

In early August we began talking intermittently on the phone. late night phone calls, hours long. I'm talking 3 hours, about anything and everything. It was like uncovering some secret layer of myself. She and I have always had the most incredible click. Even though we had both changed quite a lot, the inherent fundamental framework was still there. That intangible thing that causes two people to feel more like themselves when they are around each other. For me it was like identifying some lost part of myself that I had neglected and sworn never to acknowledge. It felt amazing.

Our latenight chats continued through the next couple of months before I was actually in her town visiting a friend. I woke up early the next day and called her up, just a spontaneous, "Hey, I'm in town! We should go out. Where do you live? I'll be at your place in 15 minutes."

I parked my car and went looking around her neighborhood for her, admitted I was lost, and that she needed to come find me, then we'd progress. She found me.

I took her to a nice upscale club at around 6pm and we just stole our own little corner of it and sat in the leather couches hanging out. The click was effortless, and for me, very cathartic, if you know what I mean. Here I was, with this girl, that long ago I had the most debilitating time getting over, and we're just having drinks and talking and flirting like no time at all had passed. It was like I jumped in a time machine right before things went sour long ago, and we just picked up right where we left off. I felt very sure-footed and fair, as I was aware of our history and the irony of the beautiful nature of this meeting.

We stopped by her favorite bar on the way out, and I was introduced to some of her friends, and eventually, her DAD! Lol, what a freaking blindside that was. She saw him strutting up to the bar (apparently his favorite), and she leaned in close to me and whispered, "By the way...you're *Not* the Mark from before...". Her dad, while having never met me five years ago, never really wanted to.

It all went well and smoothly and we parted from them and I walked her back to her apartment. She showed me around and we took her dog for a walk and she stopped for a second and said, "I can't believe I haven't seen you for five years...and now...we're spending the whole day together..." She had kind of a provocative and far-off tone to her voice.

We went back up to her apartment and had a couple of drinks and just talked some more; she showed me her study books and I made her dinner from scratch. (I cook for a living, and rummaged a really nice meal from just what she had around in her fridge). This scored me infinitely more points as you might imagine.

We took turns showing each other our favorite shows, her Futurama, and me How I Met Your Mother, and just laughed and shared our time on the couch. It was pretty special.

There was some intangible shift in mood that occurred that I can't exactly explain...and she sighed and leaned over to the other side of the couch. I asked if she was sleepy, then pulled her into me and held her. That was pretty special. I kissed her forehead and she started stroking my arm, back and forth. I knew where this was headed and so did she.

We didn't have sex. We did everything else. She was very into it and it was completely mutual; I forced nothing. After all the buildup and foreplay, she put the breaks on it and said, "I can't do this". She started crying. She said, "I can't do this and just have you walk out that door". She said, "I can't do this and not BE with you again". She was crying the whole time. I was completely taken aback by this obvious confliction she was having. I told her I wasn't trying to complicate her life. I consoled her and held her. She straddled me and we talked a bit more and she calmed down. I told her the truth. I told her I loved her. I told her I probably always would.

I said I should probably go. I got my things together and walked over to her. She was motionless, sitting on the coffee table. She seemed a bit undecided. I bent over and kissed her on the cheek and whispered, "Bye". As I turned around to leave she suddenly grabbed my hand and turned me around.

She said, "I love you". I left.

I called her up 3 days later and just wanted to talk to her and clarify things to see if she was doing alright; it was a really intense night for both of us...but mostly her. Obviously more for her. I couldn't figure why she got so upset. I started off by apologizing if I crossed a line, as my intentions for our meeting were Not sexual. I told her I just wanted to see her again and spend time with her; see what her life was like and tell her about mine. I told her I had an impulse and followed it, and that everything, for me, felt really natural and great.

This is when she decided to tell me she had been seeing someone for a little while and she wanted to pursue it through. She did not mention this until she had fully rooted out my feelings. I told her everything I said and did on our date was the God honest truth, and I had an amazing time and was a little surprised when things got emotional. I told her I wanted to see more of her.

Obviously I was disappointed, but I told her congratulations, and that I'd talk to her soon. Our latenight phone conversations went extinct. She flashed a text here once, but nothing after that. last month (this was all 4 months ago), I dropped her a text when I was just really curious about her. A civil exchange and nothing more. Sadly, I started hoping for more. But I know I acted honestly and honorably and I'm very proud of that. And I understand she's protecting her honor by being true to this bloke she's seeing. If this indeed is my last chance for closure, it's actually pretty good. Because I did it on My terms.

The ball's in her court. She knows how I feel and I've got to walk away. Because nothing I do is going to alter her feelings. She's obviously got some. Just like me. I told her I think it's a shame. Don't you?

'She had been seeing someone for a little while and she wanted to pursue it through'

Thats your answer right there,you have been trying to light the old flame and as I was reading it I was thinking be careful be cautious..I knew where this was heading. If someone is interested in you he or She will let you know. No treading on ice,She would mention it to you not have you guessing. I wouldnt pursue her or that matter anymore,why set yourself up for more heartbreak? Did it feel good the first time?

What a simply brilliant story!

Very moving, and well written.

Well, you know exactly what is going on and how to handle it.

Sure, there are emotions there, but noting that will debilitate you as before.

You've just got to keep moving on with your life, and see if your paths cross again.

I would say it's best to leave her alone again for a year or so.

Let this relationship she's having run it's course.

She will contact you again if she's single, I've no doubt.

This is a great memory for you, and a validation.

One thing. That part of you that you thought was missing, or that you didn't find till she popped up again, is always with you, and you don't need her nor anyone to access it.

It's dangerous to seek out ourselves in another, it leads to enmeshment and unhealthy relationships, but I totally know that feeling.

This brought tears to my eyes what a lovely story, after all them years and the feelings are still there....

I know she is with someone else but it is obvious she still loves you Sans..hope it all works out for you both in the end...

loulou x

What a brilliant story... I read it hoping to see a happy end. And who knows, maybe "it's not over" as you said...

There is a big BUT! But, she never mentioned that she was with somebody else??? She played you with tears and emotional drama??? Don't you think that there's a big red flag here? I don't know man, I am a romantic who loves happy ends but you know, life is not a romantic, life is a realistic...

I hope you will be well. Good luck...

Hope she didn't cheat on anyone I know! Good story though!

Well, it's a nice story but she's chosen someone else over you. She had a great trip down memory lane with you, but in the end, she got a grip on the nostalgia and chose another guy. So your 'romance' sounds lovely BUT the reality is this is not Hollywood and she's dropped you again for someone else. And she was obviously attached enough to him to feel guilty and stop before you had intercourse. And it's been 4 months since then.

So i think she's choosing to go with the other guy and you should focus on getting a REAL GF who is active in your life now rather than someone who is a fond memory but who has dropped out of your life to be with someone else. The way you need to look at it for your own protection is that she dumped you once already then you offered yourself to her again 5 years later and she dumped you again for another guy... you're focusing on the romantic fantasy but the reality is she keeps choosing to NOT be with you rather than to establish a BF/GF relationship with you. You are 'filling in the blanks' there by casting yourself and her as characters in a happy ending romantic drama, but the truth is that is keeps dumping you. It's not to your advantage to romanticize someone who keeps tossing you over and not taking the opportunity to be with you when it is freely offered.

I totally agree with lavenderdove!

A few weeks ago I would have been on your side, believing that you might once again be destined to cross paths ... it's the same way I felt with an ex too. He told me "maybe someday" and my naivete led me to believe he meant it and that I should put my life on hold to wait for him, instead of realizing it was a cowardly way to break up with me and either minimize my hurt feelings or keep the door open for him in case he changed his mind. He did, many times over the years, and always went back to whoever else he was dating. For awhile I thought he came back to me because he felt for me what I felt for him, but it wasn't that. Yes we were different and I thought we complimented each other well, but he didn't agree ... my situation was different because after awhile I stopped enjoying our time together and was more terrified of saying and doing the wrong thing and seeing him leave me again ... which he always did. He's currently in a serious relationship now and although our relationship never got off the ground this time because of me, I know that if I was worth it to him, he would have done something about it a long time ago. Yes, you avoided her, but alternately, I never avoided him. I always answered his calls, I was always there when he needed me ... and it still didn't change things for us.

I truly believe if things are meant to be, then they will. But the reality is, when someone chooses to be with someone else and see the relationship through, they are making a conscious decision to let go of you. And with that, they are making the conscious choice knowing that you could fall in love with someone else and not be available when the relationship they are currently in runs its course. That, in itself, should make you question whether this girl is right for you. If you had the choice between losing someone you love for good or being with them, wouldn't you chose to be with the person you love? And if she chose this other person, she is saying to you that her feelings for this other person outweigh whatever feelings and prior history you have with her. So, like everyone has said, she's made her choice.

If it helps, ask yourself this ... if you were this guy she was seeing, how happy would you be to know that a girl you were dating (serious or not) was in the scenario you described with another man? Having another guy hold her, kiss her, etc. while she was supposed to be yours? That she didn't tell you up front that she was dating someone and let herself get in that situation is pretty low, because she was obviously thinking more about her own wants and needs than your own. Because, whether you knew it or not, you were WITH someone else's girl and the fact is SHE knew about it. Which means she could have done that to you too. And that's where I think character lies ... in being upfront with someone about a situation instead of backpedaling once it gets too far.

Because now you are hurt and grieving for the loss of a relationship you so sure was meant to be, when it was never going to happen at all. Only in the movies will old feelings be enough to tear someone away from a current relationship, otherwise, we tend to play it safe and stick with the person we are with (instead of going back to someone else we were with before).

btw, the title to your thread is 'it's still not over...' that is your HOPE but actually it's pretty over if the other person is dating someone else and hasn't had any interaction with you in 4 months, after basically a one night stand and 5 years of no action before that where she requested the original breakup.

i think it is lovely that you have a romantic nature, but you need to apply that to a woman who is actually actively in your life, not just a fantasy which she is and has been for 5 years... there are cases where people get back together after 20 years of course, but the rarity of that is unquestioned, and it really is wasting your life to pine after someone who had the opportunity to choose you TWICE and still chose someone else instead. There isn't a war or angry parents or amnesia separating the two of you, it was her decision to cut you off and go with someone else, and that should tell you where she is on this and that SHE thinks/wants it's over even if you don't. I'm not saying that to be harsh, but to point out that there is a wide divide between reality and fantasy sometimes, and what you really need is a real woman in your life rather than a hollywood movie fantasy that most likely won't reflect your reality in the end. She has your number and can call you but doesn't, so there is no point waiting around for someone who isn't waiting for you.

Shame, I was hoping to read that you got back together in the end. Why does she want to pursue something with the other guy though? I don't understand that if she says she loves you.

just out of curiosity do you think that the reason why your ex might of picked someone else instead of trying to make things work with you is cause he knew that you would always be there so even if his relationship does fail with his serious girlfriend he might be thinking in his mind well I can have her any time I want her so it does not matter if I try to make things work with other women, I can have this girl any type I want type thing?

I don't mean to say this in a rude way but sometimes I think if you make things to easy on a person they will take advantage of that very fact and every one wants what they can't or used to have and may be as I said the prob was this guy new he could have you whenever he wanted you, so takes advantage of that, in way. Just a thought anyway!!

Well guys, you seem to have my number. I want to extend a thank you to all the responses. The realistic ones have been very eye-opening. I understand my outlook seems like Hollywood fluff. I've always known.

Just to clarify .. I never went full bore after her this time around. I learned my lesson the first time and simply wanted to re-initiate contact. I was just curious to see what would happen if the two of us were thrown into the mix together once again, so I pulled the strings to make that happen. I couldn't have predicted any of it.

I don't have anything invested in her. But here's the thing. I remember thinking to myself how strange it was that she was crying after our date when things got physical. I just remember thinking, "Jesus, what is wrong with this girl?" I knew she had some issues.

That stupid thing people say when they say, "I love you but I'm not IN love with you", is exactly the case here. In fact...part of the reason I told her I loved her was simply out of sentiment. Like you'd say to someone who represented a large part of your life that you'd left behind long ago. I still tell my current ex that I love her from time to time. It's because I do.

I'm not crossing my fingers and pulling up Tarot cards for things to work out in my favor in this situation - let me get that accross to you. I'm simply befuddled by her behavior in our interaction. To me, it was like a long-lost reconnection between two old lovers. I certainly didn't have my hopes hanging from the scaffolding. I just wanted to see her face again, see how she'd changed, and reflect on our lives. I thought it would be enriching, and it very much was. The physical aspect was never my priority.

But we were in a situation where I was single and I *thought* she was single so I made a move. I wasn't trying to start a new relationship. I simply followed an impulse that felt right. She reacted dramatically and I couldn't make any sense of it.

It wasn't like I was trying to re-open that old bag of worms...forgive the sentimentalistic tone to my original transcription. I was simply interested in seeing the potentialities of the two of us getting mixed up in the same setting again. I did it more out of curiosity than anything else.

I found that, while I was completely forthright and honest, she was conflicted, discreet with her true feelings, and emotional. I got a big dose of immaturity from our meeting. Even if all I wanted to do was to 'have one more go', I don't think she could have handled that. Not that that's what I was looking for. There's a 4 year age gap, and as I came to find, she's spoken for. I didn't have my hopes up going in. But...going out, she did say things to me that one wouldn't mention in passing that might go unsubstantiated over time unless there was a lack of integrity. We're all in agreement about that.

Just out of curiosity...does that last bit of clarification bring any other opinions to mind? Not to beat a dead horse but I've really appreciated the insights I've received from you guys. All of it has helped me out a lot and I value any input.

The tears are quite understandable, if she was having mixed feelings. Getting physical can break down boundaries, bringing that all up. It sounds like you do have a great closure moment. Anything emotional she may have said was likely for her to get closure too.

Something I don't get is why she wouldn't keep up contact after this. Sure, I expressed my want for a romantic relationship. She made her choice with the other guy. So then why doesn't she seem to care what I'm up to; to keep up contact? I don't understand. It seems like, regardless of the classification of our relations, we do share something very special in common...and to me, I would like to nurture it, whatever it is.

She hasn't reached out to talk to me since, and it seems like I'm falling into this region of 'potential love interest or nothing', which is the only way I can deduce she won't agree to something friendly. Maybe she thinks that because of my feelings, something like friendship between us is not feasible. Maybe she thinks I won't be able to respect that boundary.

The truth is, she might be right about that, and maybe that explains the distance. I've shot her a few texts here and there but nothing has much come from them. Not in the way you might expect a friend to reciprocate. You know, laughing, exchanging of jokes/ideas, lighthearted gallabanting.

She's gone completely MIA. Do you think this is because she's trying to devote herself to her current choice of man and any attention she gives to me would fall under the category(in her mind) of provocation?

Here's the thing. It was so grand to reconnect with her. For me it was something really special that I always knew I would do and finally did. I miss our 3 hour long chats. I don't have that with Anyone, not even family members. I made my intentions known, and I guess that's why she hasn't picked up the phone. It's not possible for her, or it isn't her choice. But isn't friendship within the realm of possibility? I know that I'd much rather like something rather than nothing, and I've decided that, regardless of our relation, I want her in my life. Friend, if at the least. I've come to that place in my closure. I just hate to think that a friendship with her, at the very least, isn't possible. I'd hate to think that after all that's happened, we just go our separate ways, and she decides there's no reason for her to keep in contact. Wouldn't you want me as a friend? I don't understand this.

Whatever her reasons, there isn't anything you can do about it, nor much point in speculating as you can't know anyway. She isn't responding how you would like/hope/expect so you need to modify what you'd like/hope for/expect. As long as she is with this other guy, then I think, that's all you need to know for now. If she is serious about pursuing something with him, then it is right and good that she doesn't keep regular contact with you. You would want her to do that if she was with you.

It's clear that you do share something special but for now, she doesn't want/need that in her life. Perhaps SHE is the one who wouldn't be able to respect the boundary she has set, and would find it difficult to be 'just friends'. Who knows?

Just try to accept the actual facts and reality of the situation and her behaviour and move on. No doubt, sometime in the next 50 odd years of your life, you two will reconnect, but if this really is the last time you two EVER have meaningful contact (which I'm sure you'll agree is highly unlikely) then be thankful for the times you shared, and let them and her go as gracefully as possible and know that you WILL find someone else with whom you can connect on such a deep level again one day.

As example, my recent ex threw me out of her life a year ago, and refused to talk to me anymore. I bumped into her in the street in Spring, and she was warm and friendly but guarded and told me her new boyfriend didn't want her to be in contact with her ex's. I texted her a few months later as I was leaving the country and wanted to say bye. She ignored that text, which hurt me a lot at the time, but she just wasn't ready for contact. Fast forward to now, and she contacted me recently for the first time since August 2010 wanting to meet up as she was going to be in the same country as me. We exchanged emails about it, which got gradually looser and more friendly, but the trip was cancelled last minute. I emailed her Happy Birthday yesterday, and was worried I was pushing too much but she wrote me back warmly. It has taken a long time for us to get there, and although I'm certain she is still with her current man, I am at a place where that is ok now, and I am happy we have a warm and easy channel of communication open between us for what ever will come in the future. That might be friends, or maybe more, but looking back, there were times when she blanked me, or wasn't behaving how I hoped/expected because she has her own agenda, and time frame for dealing with things and her own comfort level for being in contact with me.

I hope the analogy helps.

Have a great new year man, and try not to sweat this. Make it your resolution to find someone new to hang with, and see what might develop.

Sim54, I can't even begin to describe what a positive effect your insight has lent me toward my current situation. Thank you so much; you've helped me so much more than you could possibly know. I owe you something big. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You're most welcome, and I'm glad I could help. It helps me too to write this down, as my own process of healing and dealing with my last relationship is still ongoing.