"Are you seeing other people?"

How do you ask this in other words that are less direct and more casual?

Please read my story below! I've written about this guy, "E", in my previous threads; we met 2 months ago and had sex pretty soon after we met, and when we hang out 1-2 times a week, it's great... he is affectionate and sweet and texts me good morning everyday. We are not in a relationship, but he has said things that made me think he was seeing something long-term between us, such as "why dont we get a place after you move out from your parents' house?" "if we get married, I can give you citizenship and the whole nine yards" "you can pay me back after you pass your certificate exam (probably in a year)" "we just click!" and etc. The reason that we are not exclusive, I think, is because I live with my strict parents and that would put lots of restraints on a relationship. Earlier in our dating, he said that he understood my situation, that he was game if I was willing to try, and that he hoped the distance didn't affect us (we are 40 minutes apart). I told him I couldn't give him all the time he wanted because of my circumstances, and he said "well let's take it easy and not put pressure on it." I am pretty sure, if I lived alone, I would see him so much more often than just 1-2 times a week.

HOWEVER, I haven't seen him in 11 days. During this time, he cancelled our plan to hang out and didn't respond to my texts, which he apologized for.. After that, I texted him "I know we are taking it easy, so I understand if we don't see each other often," to which he responded, "I think we are very much into each other, I just had an action packed week." Then I talked about how I was used to the college dating style (I moved back home from college in September) where you live close to the other person and see him everyday, and he said, in real world it's tad more complicated (he is 30). I understood that. I then asked him if he was going to be busy the following week; he said "off and on and I told him to please let me know when you were free, 1-2 days in advance, because I have to secure the car I'm sharing with mom. Then yesterday morning, after saying good morning he asked me if I could visit him at work that day (he is a police officer) and I couldn't, since I was busy. After today's good morning text, he asked me if I was free this morning, but I already had something to do. I guess our timings weren't good, but I said I missed him and he said likewise.

I just kinda feel like he doesn't make as much effort to see me as he did in the beginning, and it came to me one day that he could be seeing other people; I know I certainly can't expect him to ONLY see me, but I'd like to know if he's sleeping with other people too. So far he does NOT seem like the type, but I don't know him entirely well either. We don't check up on each other all the time, he does his thing, I do my thing, he goes to bars with his friends and I hang out with mine.

Also, I met a guy "V" around the same time I met the one above; recently he hit me up and we hung out for the first time and I had a lot of fun although it was just walking around the mall! He is around my age (22), studies at a community college, lives much closer to me, and I feel like we are more on the same page when we talk.. He seems to be interested in me, and I like hanging out with him too.

Then there is this other guy who suggested we go Christmas shopping together... Welllllll, I don't flirt with everyone I see, but I am surely friendly and inviting in general, and I guess, especially more friendly when a good looking guy starts talking to me But I like the first guy "E" very much because he has many good qualities, but since we are not exclusive and since we haven't seen each other for 11 days, I'm not sure what's going on in his mind. I mean... 11 days? Even if it's the "real world" and he's busy, he must have some time to hang out with someone he's "very much into"... no? So next time I see him (probably later this week or next week), I want to ask him if he's seeing anyone without seeming clingy. Because I have hung out with V too. I just want to know how serious E feels about us and if he's seeing/sleeping with anyone else. Because, if he is willing to try, I am willing to make more investment in him too and refrain from taking it further with V or other guys I meet. But if he IS seeing other people too, I'd like to put less focus and time on him, and open up to other guys without wondering if E would be happy to know that. I'd like to ask this question in a non-accusing and non-abrupt way, without making him feel defensive.

Thank you so much for reading, and I'd appreciate your insight and opinion You guys are awesome.

This why you don't have sex until you establish exclusivity. He shouldn't be able to get sex from you and just disappear. He could be dating other people and come back, and be like "WELL, we weren't exclusive so it's okay!" Do you want that?

I bring it up early. I don't want to do anything intimate with a guy who won't commit to just seeing me and who may risk giving me a STD. Just bring it up directly: "Hey, I was wondering...are we exclusive?" Discuss what that means for each other.

Yep, I think sex with him when you haven't established a relationship was a mistake. "Are you seeing other people" still does not clarify whether or not you are an official couple. He may not be seeing anyone else right now but is still looking. Unless you establish that you are an official couple, then you won't know if he sees this as casual while he looks for someone else. Also, all that stuff he talked about the future..that is pretty much clichéd behaviour of men who get caught up in the excitement of a new sex partner. The ramble on and on about the future, moving in, marriage, when we have children, blah, blah, blah. It is all empty talk. Lots of guys say the same thing when they are excited about a new sex partner...and it means nothing, because once the novelty of the sex wears off and they start realizing that they don't really want anything long-term with the woman, they bolt and find someone new to spew out the same words to. If you want to know where you stand with this guy, you need to be direct, telling him that you want an official relationship with him and want to know if he wants one with you. If he is vague and non-committal then the answer is no. My suggestion is also that you hold off on sex with anyone else until you are sure that you are STD free. You don't know if your current guy is sleeping with anyone else and I doubt if he would tell you if he is.

I agree, hold off the sex for now. Men (and women) can get sex, then disappear because you weren't exclusive. They don't have to stick around because to them it was just some sex.

Also I know it can sound cynical but don't listen to the "future plans" he seems to be talking about. I've had that said to me before. I was in a relationship with a guy which I thought was going well, he used to say things like "when we're living together" and "next year when you come visit" and I used to think he was in it for the long haul. Less than a month later we had broken up. Sorry I don't want to upset you but they're just empty words at the moment. Remember actions speak louder than words.

If you like E more than V, you need to speak to E about an exclusive relationship. You've been dating for 2 months so I think it's time to move onto the relationship step if you both want to.

Hold the sex and if he is not ok with it then move on.

Don't let this bother you.

Personally, I don't think sex MUST come after declaring exclusivity, but I do agree that it complicates things.

He told me he's ready to settle down and move in with a girlfriend in a year or so, and he sounded genuine. And no other previous guys mentioned about the future after having sex, probably because they were years younger than him... I'm just confused because he seemed to care a lot about me, helping me with my schoolwork, advising about my career path, blah blah. I thought our "honeymoon period" (getting to know each other, eagerly wanting to see each other) has ended on his part, and that he has gotten feeling secure with me hence not contacting me 24/7, but you know what... it's very true that he is looking and he is handsome and friendly, so he has no problem striking up conversations with strangers. I believe that he's the best-quality guy I have been involved with, but that could also just be my fascination, right?

This is precisely why you should have the exclusivity talk before you have sex. The fact that you feel comfortable allowing him access to your body but uncomfortable asking if he's seeing other people is baffling to me.

This is precisely why you should have the exclusivity talk before you have sex. The fact that you feel comfortable allowing him access to your body but uncomfortable asking if he's seeing other people is baffling to me.

I totally agree. People too often try to act non-chalant about sex and yet are totally unable to communicate their desires. Sex makes you more attached. If you aren't willing to understand (communicate) where you stand before sex, then you are going to get yourself hurt.

If you haven't seen each other in 11 days and he doesn't even bother to answer your texts or emails or calls during that time, then you definitely aren't in a relationship. It sounds like he just wants a FWB situation without any really commitment/effort to make it a relationship.

The only way to ask such a question is to do it straight out. But first think about what you REALLY want... Do you want a BF and an exclusive relationship? If so, then you tell him what you want and see whether he is willing to do it. If he waffles or isn't on the same page, then you should definitely not act like he's your BF and turn down other dates, in fact, you should only date guys who are interested in getting into a relationship rather than just FWB type hookups.

This guy has already wandered off for 11 days without contact, so i don't think he's all that serious about having a GF (or he already has other women he is seeing as well). Many people who say they 'don't want a serious relationship' either already have a GF (and aren't filling you in on that) or else they want to leave their options open to date whomever they please. If that doesn't work for you, then don't waste your time on him. Ask him first, but if he says anything less than he wants an exclusive relationship BF/GF situation, then bail on him if he doesn't want the same thing you do. After 2 months he should at least know if he's interested enough in you to be exclusive, unless he's just not interested in that.

I'm sorry, I don't think I was clear on something here. He has texted me good morning everyday for past 11 days, and we texted off and on everyday, so it was NOT no-contact. It's just that our texting conversations didn't go anywhere. I did tell him to please let me know when we could hang out, in 1-2 days' advance, but he texted me twice asking if I could see him right away, within an hour. I was busy both times, and yes I know he did ask to see me and our timings didn't work out..

He previously said "let's take it easy and not put pressure on it," when I told him I can't give him all the time he wants because I live with my strict parents. I guess taking it easy means what's going on right now...

I'm sorry, I don't think I was clear on something here. He has texted me good morning everyday for past 11 days, and we texted off and on everyday, so it was NOT no-contact. It's just that our texting conversations didn't go anywhere. I did tell him to please let me know when we could hang out, in 1-2 days' advance, but he texted me twice asking if I could see him right away, within an hour. I was busy both times, and yes I know he did ask to see me and our timings didn't work out..

Not being able to or wanting to make plans a few days out is a big red flag to me. You've told him you need 1-2 days advance notice, which is completely reasonable (spontaneous dates are nice every once in a while, but not in lieu of planned events), and he cannot or does not respect that request. To me it's a big sign that his primary partner is the one he is making plans with and you are left with spontaneous breadcrumbs.

I just kinda feel like he doesn't make as much effort to see me as he did in the beginning, and it came to me one day that he could be seeing other people; I know I certainly can't expect him to ONLY see me, but I'd like to know if he's sleeping with other people too. So far he does NOT seem like the type, but I don't know him entirely well either.

Are you saying that you don't know him well enough to ask if he's seeing others, yet you know him well enough to have sex with him?

Personally, I don't think sex MUST come after declaring exclusivity, but I do agree that it complicates things.

Having said that, I assume that you're fine with the fact that he may be sleeping with others, and possibly exposing you to STD's?

I am super super busy all the time but I'd make time to see a guy I really liked. I always think that when a person, male or female, really likes someone, he or she will make the effort to hang out. If a guy I like asks to see me, I will do almost anything possible to make sure I'm available. This guy isn't doing that. 11 days is a long time to be so crazy busy that you can't even have a meal together or see a movie or just sit in someone's place and talk. I think the good morning texts are keeping you around but that he doesn't really plan on being exclusive.

Texting "good morning" is like the least amount of effort possible... I wouldn't read to much into that. Were his last-minute attempts to get together in the middle of the morning for sex/to hook-up, or to take you out on an actual date? If he was actually interested in dating you, I think he would have found time over the course of almost 2 weeks to call you in advance and plan a real date. Once you start having sex, it's difficult to try to back your way into a relationship.

Um I am sorry... what was your question again? I was too busy reading the responses that gangraped you on your decision to have sex before establishing a relationship.

The fact that you feel comfortable allowing him access to your body but uncomfortable asking if he's seeing other people is baffling to me.

^^ THIS. I have to admit I was totally baffled by this too. Surely asking him if he's seeing other people would be the easiest thing to do, (almost like asking about the weather), after you have shared such private/intimate moments. I don't understand why it should be so hard. That said, it seems he views this more as FWB anyway and I wouldn't be too surprised if he's having sex with other women at the same time.

Um I am sorry... what was your question again? I was too busy reading the responses that gangraped you on your decision to have sex before establishing a relationship.

Hahahaha oh you made me laugh. Thank you.

Texting "good morning" is like the least amount of effort possible... I wouldn't read to much into that. Were his last-minute attempts to get together in the middle of the morning for sex/to hook-up, or to take you out on an actual date? If he was actually interested in dating you, I think he would have found time over the course of almost 2 weeks to call you in advance and plan a real date. Once you start having sex, it's difficult to try to back your way into a relationship.

He just asked me if I was free, and I couldn't use the car so I said no. He said "Ok! Fair enouuuugh." We usually see each other by me going to his place or meeting up at a coffee shop.

Texting "good morning" is like the least amount of effort possible... I wouldn't read to much into that. Were his last-minute attempts to get together in the middle of the morning for sex/to hook-up, or to take you out on an actual date? If he was actually interested in dating you, I think he would have found time over the course of almost 2 weeks to call you in advance and plan a real date. Once you start having sex, it's difficult to try to back your way into a relationship.

He just asked me if I was free, and I couldn't use the car so I said no. He said "Ok! Fair enouuuugh." We usually see each other by me going to his place or meeting up at a coffee shop.

His "Ok! Fair enoooough" text....do you think maybe he felt that YOU were blowing HIM off? I don't know. Something about that text seems...off to me.

His "Ok! Fair enoooough" text....do you think maybe he felt that YOU were blowing HIM off? I don't know. Something about that text seems...off to me.

His texts are usually short and to the point, some of ENA users have described them as "twitter updates".. haha! So I'm not sure how he really felt, but I really wasn't available and the question was so spontaneous although I asked him for an advanced notice.

If he never gives you advance notice then you're just not a priority. He'll 'squeeze you in' if he has nothing better to do, but won't put himself out to keep plans for the future. This is the kind of treatment one usually gets from FWBs... they'll hook up with you if they're in the mood for sex and you're in the mood for sex, but otherwise they won't put the effort into you they'd put into dating and spending time with a GF.

So you should just have the conversation with him... if he tells you he just wants FWB, then at least you know that and can ramp down your expectations from him accordingly, or else decide you don't want to waste time on a guy who doesn't really want a GF or to put the effort into a relationship.