The right way of giving someone space?

Hello everyone.

I'm rather new here but I got some great advice which really helped but now I'm kinda stumped on how to correctly go about my plan of action in my relationship. I posted in a different thread about my current situation so if you feel the need to figure out what exactly is going on you can look up my posts and see for your self. (warning extremely long posts)

It has been 3 months now since I got back together with my girlfriend of 5 years. During this time I began to realize that I was pushing her away due to my negative behaviors and insecurities. Ex. constantly bringing up what happened and talking about how I feel and begging her to open up to me. In the other thread I was told that she was trying to let me off easy. That is why she has stayed with me this whole time so she could feel less guilty about what she did. She says she wants us to work and really loves me and that there is nothing there between her and this guy at her work but (again in the other thread) they believe that she is just waiting for the right time to date someone else.

Back to my plan...

Unfortunately all my actions have led to her having all the leverage in the relationship. So I decided that I should give her space and not contact her as much with out telling her. Just let her be is what I thought but then I got negative responses (I think). She seemed suspicious wondering what I was up to. I stopped because I felt as if it made things worse.

During Thanksgiving I was really bogged down and depressed. I got really fed up with her during the night. We had an argument about her behavior and the way she has changed after lying to me about another guy. So after I got home. I sent her a few text messages apologizing for the way I have been lately and telling her that all I wanted was her to be happy. I don't know if this is good or bad but I told her I wanted to to respect her space and that I was going to let her be. She replied and told me how happy she was hearing what I told her and that she loved me. I figured this was a good start but I would like to hear some opinions of others.

So today I did not initiate any sort of contact with her. I responded if she messaged me but I kept it brief. I want her to actually see that I am following through with what I said I was going to do. I also didn't call her before work (which is graveyard shift) either which is something I always do.

am I approaching this the right way? What is your idea of the right way to give someone space.

NC.....NC.....NC....

If they want you, miss you, want it to work their actions will show that.....

They know of your love....you don't need to prove that anymore....

It's their time to.

Playing games is not the way forward. Why don't you just speak to her and tel her everything you've written here.

There shouldnt be any 'im not contacting her' especially if your still together...are you still together im confused :S

Please dont play games, if you're not contacting her to spite her you will only hurt yourself.

Sit down, communicate your feelings, talk it through, give her time to process it and listen to what she says.

Also, if you're worrying about control and leverage you have already lost it and by worrying about it and playing games you will only damage your relationship. Forget about power games and control and you will find yourself in a better situation.

Go NC... let them come to you. Don't try and bump into them or call them and then tell them that you didn't mean to... just live your life.

We are still together and I would like to keep it that way. I'm honestly not trying to spite her by any means or play games. I just believe I've pushed her too far by constantly repeating negative behaviors and being insecure after finding out that I was being lied to for a whole year. Finding out that there has been another guy between us hit me pretty hard. She has been very distant ever since too.

I believe I've done all of the communicating regarding the subject and about how I feel so much that now she gets really annoyed and sick of me rehashing everything. She also never truly opened up to me or came to me on her own about how she felt. She just acts like nothing ever happened now and I think its largely due to me bringing it up so much.

So that is my whole reasoning behind this. I want to see some action on her part without me having to tell her what to do. Frankly... when I am down and telling her how I feel she tells me she loves me and only wants to be with me and that there is nothing between the guy who she works with but that just doesn't cut it for me (but then acts annoyed and mad?). She needs to make some sort of effort instead of being so closed off. What she says and the way she acts send me completely different messages. That is why I want to end my bad behaviors that push her away in order for her to really figure out what she wants and so she can start opening up to me again.

After realizing everything I've done wrong I need to know if what I am doing now is right.

I told her that I was going to respect her space and not bother her on about what happened anymore and explained to her that I just wanted her to be happy and for us to work. She seemed really happy and actually contacted me a little more than usual the following day (she was really distant before). I did not ignore or avoid her. I responded to her messages but I kept it very brief, simple, and I was nice about it. I don't think I came off as blowing her off or anything.

During this time I can also focus on my own feelings with out overwhelming her, improve myself to build up more attraction, and hope that she notices.

Do you still think this is completely negative and wrong way to go about this?

All you are doing is trying not to be so needy and insecure. That is a big positive --- and the only way to attract her. Respond openly and honestly -- -but keep to not intiating (especially if you were calling/texting several times a day).

And --- saying the same things over and over isn't the way to get your point accross. Be succint, be direct. And when it is said, it is said.

All you are doing is trying not to be so needy and insecure. That is a big positive --- and the only way to attract her. Respond openly and honestly -- -but keep to not intiating (especially if you were calling/texting several times a day).

Yeah that's exactly what I want to accomplish. I want to feel equal to her and I believe this would help a lot. I appreciate your advice. What are positive behaviors to not seem needy or insecure? I would like some examples to really help me out with this. For instance when she calls me and I pick up should I be the one first to end the conversation to not seem so needy? or when she text should I refrain from sending long important messages and actually wait and not text right away?

On a side note. I'm not sure why a lot of people here are so strict about NC. We are still together and I think that would more likely do more harm than anything compared to what I am doing now. Hypothetically speaking say we got in a really big fight then yeah I would feel more inclined to go with NC.

Thanks for your help guys. I'm really starting to like this site the more I visit.

Texting should be for short notes only. It is way to easy to misinterpret a text. Same w/ calls -- get said what you need to get said, and then get off the phone. In this time of instant gratification thru phones, save the important stuff for face to face.