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Thread: He acts like he loves me but says he doesn't

  1. #1
    windsurfchick
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    He acts like he loves me but says he doesn't

    I've been dating a lovely guy for a year now, we even moved in together 6 weeks ago. He's kind and considerate, we look after each other when one of us is sick, we laugh and joke, occasionally fight but never go to bed angry with each other - We have a great relationship, that I don't want to lose. But whenever we talk about how we feel about each other he tells me that, while he cares for me deeply, he doesn't feel any love for me. I can't get my head around it, as far as I'm concerned he acts like he loves me, looks at me with that shiny sparkle in his eyes, everything about us as a couple says to me there's love there. But he says he doesn't feel it. He says that what he considers love is an intense feeling like you can't live without that person, but the way he described it to me, it just sounded like he was describing teenage infatuation. The last person he says he loved was back when he was about 19 (we're both 2. For me personally I feel like I love in a totally different way now than I did as a teenager or my early 20's, I want to figure out a way to say to him I think he should consider that maybe he doesn't understand what real love is without patronising him.

    The other day I asked him to tell me how he felt about me and he said he's happy when we're together, he loves cuddling up on the sofa with me after work, that our place we've just moved into feels like a proper home with me and that he wants to take care of me and treat me how a man should treat a woman. He also said that I challenge him to think about things in different ways some times, and that sometimes he doesn't like that I can be a bit bitter about my past (which I accept must be difficult for him).

    My question is this - do I stay with him when there's a likelihood he'll never love me, or do I do the painful thing and end it? It's really hard, because aside from the love thing it's the healthiest most honest relationship I've been in, and it's going to be incredibly difficult to throw that away. But I have a history of making the wrong call. I don't want to end up 30 and alone, but I guess there's no knowing what the future holds even when they say they love you...

  2. #2
    Furbys
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    Well its up to you. Can you carry on with a guy who admits he doesn't love you? Do you want to put in more time and effort for a guy who may still not love you in another years time? Personally i couldn't stay with him because if he doesn't love me now and admits he may not ever then what would be the point.

    You deserve to be with someone who loves you back.

  3. #3
    windsurfchick
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    Yeah, I hear you, my heart breaks a bit every time I think about it. If he wasn't treating me so well it wouldn't even be a question in my mind. But he's so good to me and I've never had that before, I feel like I need to be really sure if I'm going to break it off. My relationships in the past have consisted of serial cheaters, liars and guys who just got bored and checked out, so to be with someone like this is a big deal for me. I've had a lot of the guys I've dated tell me that they didn't get excited about me or feel that *spark* with me, but that I'm a nice person etc. Maybe I'm just not the kind of girl who guys can fall head over heels for, maybe I should aim lower?

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    Furbys
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    No do not aim lower at all. Someone could treat you really well but this does not mean that they are right for you. I understand you don't want to let him go because hes good to you but in the end he doesn't love you and isn't being in a relationship suppose to be about love?

  5. #5
    windsurfchick
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    Yes it definitely should be. Relationships are so hard to figure out! This one acts like he loves me but says he doesn't, my last guy said he loved me but acted like he didn't. Maybe they're both wrong, or maybe the words aren't as important as how you are being treated? I guess because I really don't want to lose him I'm trying to find a way I can make it feel ok.

  6. #6
    Furbys
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    I'm not sure how you can make it feel ok. If he doesn't love you now then there is a low chance he will later. But it is up to you, can you live with someone who you love but does not feel the same way? Seems like a dead end.

  7. #7
    Crazyaboutdogs
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    Here on ENA people often use that overused expression "love is action" and that as long as the person shows loving actions then it must be love..whereas if a person doesn't show loving actions that means there is no love. However, life is not that black and white. There are people who love deeply and yet have emotional issues which cause them to sabotage the relationship. There are also people, like your boyfriend, who do all the right things that are supposed to be done when in love...but they don't feel the love. In other words, they are faking their way through a relationship. If people can have intense make out sessions with a stranger and sex without love, then surely it is not a stretch that they can cuddle with someone on a sofa or help them when sick, and yet not feel any romantic love. Feelings of romantic love are just as important as actions. As for the look of love..well...look at all your Hollywood celebrities who have goo goo eyes for their latest partner and then they cheat or dump their partner. Goo goo eyes does not necessarily mean love.

  8. #8
    windsurfchick
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    Well that's pretty hard to hear, but I appreciate you replying (and you too Furbys!). Can a person really fake their way through like that, I mean, it's been a year! That's a long time to live a lie isn't it? So they just carry on playing out their little act til they get bored or someone else comes along? Great, I get screwed over again. Why the hell does anyone ever get into relationships any way, it's just a daily reminder that you're worthless.

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    Crazyaboutdogs
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    Quote Originally Posted by windsurfchick [Register to see the link]
    Well that's pretty hard to hear, but I appreciate you replying (and you too Furbys!). Can a person really fake their way through like that, I mean, it's been a year! That's a long time to live a lie isn't it? So they just carry on playing out their little act til they get bored or someone else comes along? Great, I get screwed over again. Why the hell does anyone ever get into relationships any way, it's just a daily reminder that you're worthless.
    It is not a reflection on you at all. It is a reflection of the person who is faking it in order to not be alone. This guy has been with you for a year and he keeps telling you he doesn't love you. The decent thing for him to have done was to end the relationship rather than continue on keeping a big part of himself away from you. He likes the comfort of cuddles, he likes the knowledge that you really care for him...and he is selfish to keep the relationship going in order to get from you what he can't GIVE to you.

  10. #10
    windsurfchick
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    It is a reflection on me, it keeps happening. I'm totally unlovable. And also it's not like he's been lying about it. Every time he told me he doesn't love me I could have left but I didn't because I don't want to be alone either. How weak and pathetic is that.

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