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Thread: Why does he always want to bolt??

  1. #1
    berry01
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    Why does he always want to bolt??

    I've had issues with my boyfriend recently about him speaking to other women, specifically his ex-girlfriend. I finally had the courage to stand up for myself and tell him either he stops speaking to other women or I leave. He promised to stop speaking to them and said he wanted for me to be less controlling of him.

    Things have been great for a few days until yesterday when we were on the phone and he abruptly hung up after I asked where he was. I followed this up by getting upset and accusing him of lying to me about his whereabouts. 30 minutes later he called to say he was at the pharmacy and because he didn't want to fight with me over the phone he hung up. Wouldn't it have been simpler if he had just told me where he was?

    He then followed up this mini argument by repeating over and over that he doesn't want to be together. He does this every time we have even the smallest of fights. I just can't understand why he always wants to bolt when things get slightly rough. It just makes no sense to me why someone would react in this way. Every time he does this, my reaction is always the same, I plead with him and tell him how much I love him and don't want to lose him or the relationship.

    It's getting sort of borderline pathetic. I'm always begging and I find myself apologizing for things that were never my fault in the first place. He always turns the point of argument on me and says it was my fault that it had happened and then he follows up by saying "it's over". Every time, like clockwork. How can I break this cycle? I just want to deal with my relationship like normal people do, they fight they make up, they learn, they grow stronger. I really love him and am in it for the long haul but I just don't know how to deal with him always wanting to bolt! (We've been together for 3 years, it's been like this for the past year)

  2. #2
    camus154
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    Quote Originally Posted by berry01 [Register to see the link]
    I just can't understand why he always wants to bolt when things get slightly rough. It just makes no sense to me why someone would react in this way. Every time he does this, my reaction is always the same, I plead with him and tell him how much I love him and don't want to lose him or the relationship.
    You answered your own question here--he does this because the payoff is you begging and pleading for him to stay.

    He always turns the point of argument on me and says it was my fault that it had happened and then he follows up by saying "it's over". Every time, like clockwork. How can I break this cycle?
    By changing your response. Next time he pulls this, say "Ok, fine." And walk away. Don't argue, don't beg, don't plead. Leave him alone. See what he does then.

  3. #3
    berry01
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    I always have those thoughts of what if he doesn't ever call again? I know as they say, if it's meant to be, he will come back. I just feel like I don't have it in me to back off because he always makes me feel like the problem is me and things are my fault so I have the constant need to apologize and make him feel like I love him and would do anything for him.

  4. #4
    camus154
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    Quote Originally Posted by berry01 [Register to see the link]
    I always have those thoughts of what if he doesn't ever call again?
    So what if he doesn't? Do you really want to stay with a guy who only stays with you because you begged him to? Think about it. But I suspect that won't be the case here. You're in a dynamic, a cycle, where he pulls away and you push. He's counting on that cycle, so he doesn't really want to leave (well, at least as far as the dynamic goes).

    I just feel like I don't have it in me to back off because he always makes me feel like the problem is me and things are my fault so I have the constant need to apologize and make him feel like I love him and would do anything for him.
    No one is making you feel anything. You're allowing him to make you feel that way. Which is why he keeps relying on this dynamic to keep you begging.

  5. #5
    rosie smith
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    don't beg him for anything he is either willing to work things out with you or he is not and secondly

    i really don't think you should be telling him who he can or not talk to you, firstly he is with you and not his ex, and even if she wants him back it does not mean he will go back to her and let me tell you a secret my ex also told me his rebound/relationship did not want us talking anymore so I have gone along with it

    cause I know this girl is doing it as a control thing but I also know that my ex will regret us not talking sooner or later, especially when her control gets worse over him during the up coming months, so just think about it cause sometimes it is just how you play the game with people

    and if your b/f feels like you are controlling him all that will happen is that he will end up walking out on you anyway

    either sit down and talk to him about everything or just leave him alone and see what happens, but begging is not the answer, nore is telling him who he can and not talk to

    good luck with everything, sorry if I sound really harsh but if you love this guy you need to change the way you are with him
    Last edited by rosie smith; 11-18-2011 at 11:01 AM.

  6. 11-18-2011, 11:08 AM

  7. #6
    Eocsor
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    Quote Originally Posted by camus154 [Register to see the link]
    You answered your own question here--he does this because the payoff is you begging and pleading for him to stay.



    By changing your response. Next time he pulls this, say "Ok, fine." And walk away. Don't argue, don't beg, don't plead. Leave him alone. See what he does then.
    I won't comment on your relationship but I will caution you about trying the "fine, if you want to break up we are broken up ploy" A lot of times this backfires and you're left swinging in the breeze. So unless you are prepared to live with the consequences, it's never a good idea to call someone on their bluff.

  8. #7
    berry01
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    Eocsor, can you clarify what you mean by that please?

  9. #8
    RubyWoo
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    I could have written your post. My ex did exactly the same, threatening to leave me as soon as I searched for compromise in something. Throwing tantrums and me begging and pledding. So many times sobbing "please tell me what I have done wrong?" Emotional abuse.

    Guess where he is now two months after leaving me and moving out? Between someone else's legs.

    Your story sounds so familiar. I am absolutely devastated right now, but in hindight sometimes I wish I had had the courage to leave him.

  10. #9
    Edmund Exley
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    Its a control tactic to get his own way. If you dont agree with me Im out the door. He is using your love for him as a bargaining chip to get what he wants.

    Either call his bluff or deal with it for life, because he is having success with it, so he isnt going to stop.

  11. #10
    berry01
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    His latest response to everything is "im done dealing with this bs" ... I just don't know how to respond anymore. He definitely wants his cake and to eat it too and knows that his tactic works with me. He knows exactly how to ruffle my feathers and get away with it but how am I supposed to call his bluff?? So confused ...

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