Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 7 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 65

Thread: Why does he always want to bolt??

  1. #1
    berry01
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    29

    Why does he always want to bolt??

    I've had issues with my boyfriend recently about him speaking to other women, specifically his ex-girlfriend. I finally had the courage to stand up for myself and tell him either he stops speaking to other women or I leave. He promised to stop speaking to them and said he wanted for me to be less controlling of him.

    Things have been great for a few days until yesterday when we were on the phone and he abruptly hung up after I asked where he was. I followed this up by getting upset and accusing him of lying to me about his whereabouts. 30 minutes later he called to say he was at the pharmacy and because he didn't want to fight with me over the phone he hung up. Wouldn't it have been simpler if he had just told me where he was?


    He then followed up this mini argument by repeating over and over that he doesn't want to be together. He does this every time we have even the smallest of fights. I just can't understand why he always wants to bolt when things get slightly rough. It just makes no sense to me why someone would react in this way. Every time he does this, my reaction is always the same, I plead with him and tell him how much I love him and don't want to lose him or the relationship.

    It's getting sort of borderline pathetic. I'm always begging and I find myself apologizing for things that were never my fault in the first place. He always turns the point of argument on me and says it was my fault that it had happened and then he follows up by saying "it's over". Every time, like clockwork. How can I break this cycle? I just want to deal with my relationship like normal people do, they fight they make up, they learn, they grow stronger. I really love him and am in it for the long haul but I just don't know how to deal with him always wanting to bolt! (We've been together for 3 years, it's been like this for the past year)

  2. #2
    camus154
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    5,612
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    88
    Quote Originally Posted by berry01 [Register to see the link]
    I just can't understand why he always wants to bolt when things get slightly rough. It just makes no sense to me why someone would react in this way. Every time he does this, my reaction is always the same, I plead with him and tell him how much I love him and don't want to lose him or the relationship.
    You answered your own question here--he does this because the payoff is you begging and pleading for him to stay.

    He always turns the point of argument on me and says it was my fault that it had happened and then he follows up by saying "it's over". Every time, like clockwork. How can I break this cycle?
    By changing your response. Next time he pulls this, say "Ok, fine." And walk away. Don't argue, don't beg, don't plead. Leave him alone. See what he does then.

  3. #3
    berry01
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    29
    I always have those thoughts of what if he doesn't ever call again? I know as they say, if it's meant to be, he will come back. I just feel like I don't have it in me to back off because he always makes me feel like the problem is me and things are my fault so I have the constant need to apologize and make him feel like I love him and would do anything for him.

  4. #4
    camus154
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    5,612
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    88
    Quote Originally Posted by berry01 [Register to see the link]
    I always have those thoughts of what if he doesn't ever call again?
    So what if he doesn't? Do you really want to stay with a guy who only stays with you because you begged him to? Think about it. But I suspect that won't be the case here. You're in a dynamic, a cycle, where he pulls away and you push. He's counting on that cycle, so he doesn't really want to leave (well, at least as far as the dynamic goes).

    I just feel like I don't have it in me to back off because he always makes me feel like the problem is me and things are my fault so I have the constant need to apologize and make him feel like I love him and would do anything for him.
    No one is making you feel anything. You're allowing him to make you feel that way. Which is why he keeps relying on this dynamic to keep you begging.

  5. #5
    rosie smith
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    251
    don't beg him for anything he is either willing to work things out with you or he is not and secondly

    i really don't think you should be telling him who he can or not talk to you, firstly he is with you and not his ex, and even if she wants him back it does not mean he will go back to her and let me tell you a secret my ex also told me his rebound/relationship did not want us talking anymore so I have gone along with it

    cause I know this girl is doing it as a control thing but I also know that my ex will regret us not talking sooner or later, especially when her control gets worse over him during the up coming months, so just think about it cause sometimes it is just how you play the game with people

    and if your b/f feels like you are controlling him all that will happen is that he will end up walking out on you anyway

    either sit down and talk to him about everything or just leave him alone and see what happens, but begging is not the answer, nore is telling him who he can and not talk to

    good luck with everything, sorry if I sound really harsh but if you love this guy you need to change the way you are with him
    Last edited by rosie smith; 11-18-2011 at 10:01 AM.

  6. 11-18-2011, 10:08 AM

  7. #6
    Eocsor
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    2,450
    Thanked
    3
    Quote Originally Posted by camus154 [Register to see the link]
    You answered your own question here--he does this because the payoff is you begging and pleading for him to stay.



    By changing your response. Next time he pulls this, say "Ok, fine." And walk away. Don't argue, don't beg, don't plead. Leave him alone. See what he does then.
    I won't comment on your relationship but I will caution you about trying the "fine, if you want to break up we are broken up ploy" A lot of times this backfires and you're left swinging in the breeze. So unless you are prepared to live with the consequences, it's never a good idea to call someone on their bluff.

  8. #7
    berry01
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    29
    Eocsor, can you clarify what you mean by that please?

  9. #8
    RubyWoo
    Bronze Member RubyWoo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    263
    I could have written your post. My ex did exactly the same, threatening to leave me as soon as I searched for compromise in something. Throwing tantrums and me begging and pledding. So many times sobbing "please tell me what I have done wrong?" Emotional abuse.

    Guess where he is now two months after leaving me and moving out? Between someone else's legs.

    Your story sounds so familiar. I am absolutely devastated right now, but in hindight sometimes I wish I had had the courage to leave him.

  10. #9
    Edmund Exley
    Platinum Member Edmund Exley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    On the QT and very Hush Hush!
    Posts
    6,215
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    315
    Its a control tactic to get his own way. If you dont agree with me Im out the door. He is using your love for him as a bargaining chip to get what he wants.

    Either call his bluff or deal with it for life, because he is having success with it, so he isnt going to stop.

  11. #10
    berry01
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    29
    His latest response to everything is "im done dealing with this bs" ... I just don't know how to respond anymore. He definitely wants his cake and to eat it too and knows that his tactic works with me. He knows exactly how to ruffle my feathers and get away with it but how am I supposed to call his bluff?? So confused ...

  12.  

Page 1 of 7 1234 ... LastLast
Top Threads
So its been like 6 weeks since he left without a word
So if you remember my old thread i dated this guy for over 3 years and like 6 weeks ago (March 16th) he left our house and just left a letter. I've
Lost in pain.. the whole relationship a lie..
The facts.. cut all contact over a week ago after he tried to rekindle our relationship. As, it turned out days later, only friends with benefits but
How to breakup with my depressed and borderline suicidal girlfriend?
So I am 20 years old, and I dated my girlfriend all throuought high school. We have been on and off multiple times throughout the years, but we
Cheater exposed.. is this a terrible idea?!
For background information on the terrible breakup I have found myself in
We broke up today... can't stop crying
I just can't stop crying. We broke up today. For the first time ever since we started this relationship... I know he still loves me and I still love
Pregnant BPD ex
I had been with my girlfriend for a year. The first 5 months were heaven, with only two incidents that I should have recognized as abnormal. The
I'm supposedly the love of her life, she's suddenly dating someone else
Thank you to all who read this. I don't know if she's still waiting for me and only me, if I'm being played, or if she doesn't know how to properly

Featured Threads
He took my sisters virginity!
Well.. Here goes nothing. I don't have anyone to talk to and hoping to get some insight. My mind is confused and my heart is completely
Dating after working in the sex industry
Hey all, I'm coming out of a difficult time in my life where i worked as a sex worker. I just wanted some opinions on how to handle this when I begin
My boyfriend hangs out one on one with his ex am I right to feel uncomfortable?
Hi everyone, I posted here before about how my boyfriend and his ex are close friends. Long story short, they date for two years, realised they were
What does this mean?
I'm a 24 year old man and I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years. But I'm feeling like this relationship is built on blind trust
Is this just "The 21st Century Woman?"
For the past 5 years, every woman I've dated (ages 25-32 we'll say) has had to stress to me immediately, before anything gets going, that they are
Venting I guess... I miss having sex.
So... I don't know if there is any real advice that can be given here. But I'm sure people here can at least relate and maybe share their
My boyfriend curses at me but says he's joking?
Hi everyone, My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months and while everything has been great so far except that he curses at me but says
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •