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Four months after breakup and I'm still deeply upset


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Four months ago I broke up for the second and final time with my girlfriend of ten and a half years. The relationship itself is a long story, so I'll get to the point. We initially broke up nearly four years ago and she moved away (there were issues within the relationship, plus she wanted to be back home near her family), but we reconciled after about nine months and spent the remaining time in a long distance relationship, living two time zones apart. Of course, in hindsight we never really addressed the underlying issues in the relationship, so the second breakup wasn't exactly a big surprise.

 

After the breakup this past summer, we initially tried the "let's be friends" routine, which seemed to work okay for her but was painful for me (I still live in the apartment we shared for four and a half years, and will still come accross receipts with her name on it or other little reminders; a month or so ago I found some of her mementos, etc. which I boxed up and sent to her). I just couldn't chitty-chat with her about the weather while breakup wounds remained, as it reminded me of what we had while driving home the fact that we were not to be. Plus, I know that she's ready to move on. So, two weeks ago I broke off all contact, figuring it was necessary (at least for me) in order to heal. I can't be "just friends" with her yet. I probably should have done this from the get go, but after ten years, she's my best friend and I didn't want to lose that. I now sadly realize that being friends may not be in the cards.

 

Anyway, four months have passed since the breakup and I am still deeply upset. I will be okay for a few days, and then there will be evenings when I get deeply upset. It will hit me out of nowhere like a punch in the gut. I am so tired of feeling this way and I just want it to stop. I want to heal and move on. I'm tired of expending emotional energy for a dead relationship. As she's ready to move on at this point, I feel like I've been left behind and that I'm taking an abnormally long time to recover. It makes me think "what's wrong with me?" Logically, I know that after a ten plus year relationship, four months is a drop in the bucket and I should expect a lengthy recovery time, but logic doesn't really get much say in one's reaction to breakups, unfortunately.

 

I'd be interested to hear of anyone's thoughts, opinions or experiences.

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You were together a very long time hun, that on it's own will take a time to get over, the fact that's it 4 months after the break up and you're still hurting is because you tried to remain friends, whether that was right or wrong, it has delayed your healing, so it's like the break up just happened 2 weeks ago when you cut the contact.

 

Now you just gotta ride the waves (unfortunately) if you try not to think about it, well, then you're thinking about it, when the pain comes, you try to avoid it, it all takes energy...all you can do is go with it, feel it, experience it, it will come less frequently and hurt less as time goes on....try focus on yourself now.

 

{{{{hugs}}}}

 

love loulou x

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I feel like I've been left behind and that I'm taking an abnormally long time to recover..

 

I think you are way too hard on yourself. Ten years is a very long time and I highly doubt anyone would get over it completely in such a short time as four months. You must be realistic and expect it to take longer. Allow yourself the time to go through all the emotions and grieve - anger, resentment, sadness, etc until you eventually come to the end which is acceptance. Once you reach acceptance, only then can you move on. What you are feeling is normal. It's not simply a case of "get over it". It takes time.

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TheEndComplete, I am so sorry for what you're experiencing. We're in the same boat. 4 months have passed since my breakup and I am stilll deeply upset. This is normal because we're human.

 

At first , I couldn't accept that she's gone forever but now I understand that she has already moved on. There's nothing wrong with you because you're human and anyone in this situation could be sad. I feel for you...

 

I can tell you what I did. I am not angry with her because she told me honestly the truth: She doesn't love me anymore... It's harsh but honest. It was her decision and I respect her. Even though it's hard to swallow, I should chew it. I cried in the evenings and in some mornings when I saw her in my dreams. I was sad and I couldn't get over. I quit my job (bad decision because I needed something else to think) and I went abroad. I tried to stay away from memories in another country but I understood that my memories are in my mind. So I tried to make peace with my past and I thought about my past relationships. I understood my break up and found my flaws in my relationship.

 

After all, I could accept that it's finished. I had some flaws but I did nothing wrong which caused that. So I made peace with it. I respected her decision and I did not contact her. She stick to NC too. I said nothing bad about her to my friends.

 

I can't let her go easily and I couldn't totally move on. Not yet. But I am progressing. I started to breath and eat again. Now I can sleep. I don't cry anymore. But I am deeply sad sometimes. I think it's normal.

 

I will get better. And I think you will get better too..

 

Good luck.

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Going to have to support this. I'm going through the same thing now with my ex and it's only been 5 weeks. This healing process is very difficult so you need to make sure you have some great friends and supportive family around you right now. Talk to people, get there opinions, basically you just need to vent and have people listen. I have been through that already. Went to a counsellor too which was great. Trying not to hold on to any anger either, no good for your mind or you soul.

 

I have started writing a blog about my situation, which is also helping. You need to work on you (cliche but it's true) so that your healing will progress even faster. It sucks right now but you gotta find that support to get you through my friend.

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Four months isn't that long for a 10 year relationship. And I wouldn't put a time scale on it - it'll take as long as it takes.

 

The fact that she seems to have moved on so quickly suggests that it didn't mean as much to her. But actually she probably checked out before you did - that just means she got a headstart. But the break up's not a competition.

 

Don't try to be friends again. Stay NC until you feel nothing for her. It's the only thing that'll work.

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Agee with everyone's opinion that 4 months is nothing. I am about the same time out from a 4 year relationship. I got the book "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing"by Susan Anderson and it is really helping me understand the grief process.

 

I think I may be grieving for a while yet, and I too want it to be over. We cant hurry or run from this or it will resurface later in life.

 

Take care...

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Hey EndComplete,

 

I was with a woman for 14 years. Broke up once for a year and got back together and then had it end a second time for good after being back together for a long time.

 

Four months is absolutely no time at all to heal from that. Itreally is just a drop in the bucket. Studies have pegged the AVERAGE time to heal after a divorce or end of a really significant relationship at about a year and a half. But thats average, some take less some more. Regardless, it's a long journey to heal and you have barely started.

 

That may seem depressing but it does get better that I can promise. I have had two relationships of a decade plus each end and I got through it in one piece and so will you. It's cliche but true. It just takes time, a lot of it, to really move on. But we all get there and so will you.

 

Focus on activities, work, anything to keep you busy. And avoid the dreaded rebound relationship as it will just delay any real healing. Just fill up your day as much as possible with anything and everything and time will work it's magic. And one day, sooner than you think, it will be behind you. Best of luck, I'm rooting for you.

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I am 2 months out of an 11-year relationship and I stupidly emailed him today after almost 2 weeks of NC -- he had to wish me happy Thanksgiving (a week early). Crushed me. It is definitely better to tell yourself it's over, and break all contact. I have heard from many sources that it's a good year before you're totally healed from a LTR breakup. Hang in there, we'll all get better eventually

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Thanks for the replies, everyone. Lots of good advice, and honestly it makes me feel better to know that others can relate to how I'm feeling at the moment.

 

it has delayed your healing, so it's like the break up just happened 2 weeks ago when you cut the contact.

 

Absolutely right, loulou. I hadn't quite thought of it that way, but it makes abundant sense.

 

But actually she probably checked out before you did - that just means she got a headstart.

 

You've got a good point, toby. For the last year of our relationship, she started hitting happy hours with her friends regularly (she never went out drinking with me), working out (which she had never done before) and growing out her hair which had been short since I knew her. In hindsight I realize that she was probably starting to check out and was preparing for a new single life (if she wasn't outright living it, as from thousands of miles away, I can't tell -- ultimately I trust her but the seed of doubt is there). For some reason, I knew a breakup was inevitable yet remained emotionally attached until the end, hoping against hope that things would somehow magically work out.

 

So about a month and a half ago, she and I were talking on the phone and unresolved issues came up. Toward the end of the phone call she said she couldn't discuss these things anymore and that we needed a break from phone calls. I agreed. As soon as that break was initiated, she would start contacting me by email (I had almost always been the one who initiated) more than she had before the break. It was very difficult for me, and she seemed to want to have her cake and eat it too. Keep the troublesome phonecalls at bay but still talk about the weather by email. Eventually, I realized that I couldn't keep going down that path and that NC was on the horizon as partial NC was worse than full contact. As I mentioned, I finally established no contact in no uncertain terms two weeks ago. At the time, I told her specifically that small-talk only served as a reminder of what was gone. That it was too soon for us to be friends given our long history. She replied to that email at the time telling me she understood and would respect my need for time to heal. I have not contacted her in any form since then. Today, she broke no contact and sent me an email, filled with small talk. I don't understand...

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Hey TheEndComplete, I know it's difficult. I am in the same boat remember?

 

You should not overthink what she's doing. Because she will be in "happy and freewave" mode and it will kill you to see her partying with others. You must cut all contact with her. You should not stalk her or think about her. It kills you.

 

If she wants to come back I am sure she will find a way. It doesn't depend on what you're doing. But think about it: If she comes back, who will she see? A devastated man? Don't be that. Look at you! Be a better man. Be fit. Go to gym. Have new hobbies. It will also help to your self healing.

 

Good luck in your journey.

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Hi TEC. I cried every day for 4 months. It now appears my ex dumped me for somebody else. I managed NC (with a lot of difficulty I might add) and it was the best thing. Around 8 months later out of the blue, my ex began initiating contact again. Guess what?? I had healed enough not to want him and there was somebody new in my life who I would much rather be with.

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Your emotions will swing like a pendelum for a few months to come. There is no guide to when you should be at what point after a break up. Its not like you should be getting over a hump after 4 months. Things just dont work like that. 10yrs is a long time, but the past few was a long distance. At some point reality had to set in for one or both of you. In the end it was better you two didnt share the same path, and that is fine.

No one said you had to be friends with her now. And no one said she is healing much quicker than you altho it might seem that way. Sounds like that you are still hoping to get back, like its not completely over. You continue to look back to see if she wants you and even tho you might say to me that is not true, you have not moved forward. You have remained stagnent waiting for her to make the move.

Quit doing that, the only person holding you back from healing is you. Get out there! you can do it. 10yrs is a long time. You are not going to wake up one day and say "Im healed! Im done!" its a gradual progress. Your emotions will swing but eventually they will settle down. Youll be fine.

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I'm going on 8 months since I've seen my ex. I think what was so hard on me, was that he did it over the phone. Ya know, kinda one of those things, you make love, crawl out of bed, drive 4 hrs home at the stroke of midnight, then he starts telling me over the phone, "i'm on the fence again', to April 6 when I called him at work and asked why he didn't answer the phone that day. He said it was over, and he had to get back to work. Of course, he already had another woman.

 

so in that respect, we never said 'goodbye' , kiss my *ss, or any of those wonderful breakup fights. We just had them earlier in the week, then we made up and he said he love me!!! LOLOL

 

Ohhhh, how stupid we all are!

 

So I cried every day the first 4 months! EVERYDAY! Didn't miss a one! Now at 8 months, I can kinda 'shoo' him outta my mind when he pops in. It's more4 now the "future" with him that I invisioned that hurts, and the fun times (the good times we all remember) we had for over 3 years.

 

Everyone says turn to family and friends. Well, I haven't talked to my sister in almost 3 months, cuz at 4 and ahalf months she WROTE me a letter telling me to 'get over it' and every one has had heartbreak, but 'we didn't DWELL on it'. Her 3 pages said I was self-absorbed, no fun to be around, no one wants to hear that you 'still love him', etc. etc........so I haven't talked to her in 3 months. Believe me, Dan was one heck of a lot harder to get over!

 

I met a woman the other day, walking thru the woods, and of course I had to tell her my life's story ( aBPD trait I discovered) and she said it took her 7 years to get over a guy. She was in her 40's, married 7 years with a child, and she said if she saw this guy after 30 years, she would still be upset. WOW

 

I told my mom that story, and she said, "that woman is sick".....I think that is how she views me...sick and obsessed. When I tell my family that people on ENA have suggested it can take up to a year to get over someone, they just scoff....

 

So I guess so much for 'count on family for support!" LOL

 

I'm in the acceptance stage, after a devestating depression. I guess I'm gonna live. But the thing is, I don't want to just live, I want to LIVE WELL, have lots of laughter in my life. A loving sexual relationship. someone to hold me, support me, laugh with me, eat with me. Now THAT I'm not sure if I will ever have again.

 

But I do have a dog. Some people are happy alone. Some people a dog fulfills all their needs. For me, it does not. I don't need anyone to come on here, and say, but it's YOU, that has to fulfill your needs, YOU to make yourself happy. But don't those people understand, When I look up at the beautiful full moon, and the stars, or a beautiful sunset, I want to share it with someone....oops....sorry, I'm doing it again...stealing your thread...will go now.

 

See, don't like to be alone....so you guys get me and my rants...sorry, and good luck. Yess it takes time. I'm still finding my way....

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  • 1 year later...

Hey man, i just wanted to see how you are doing now after all this time has passed? I recently just broke up with my GF, it was mutual. She was upset for the first 2 weeks, and i was fine. Then when i came back and she was moving all her stuff out it finally hit me. I have been a mess for the last 2 months.. Dont feel myself, for a usually confident guy my confidence is at rock bottom. And yeh just think about her constantly. We both agreed we wanted to stay friends as we were best friends after being together for 5 years, and she has been contacting me on and off for the last 2 months. She just recently admitted to me she had been with someone else, but it made her more confused about her feelings for me and she wanted me to be with someone else to see if i felt the same way. She says she wants us to do our own thing for a while, and in the future if its mean to be it will be, which is exactly what i wanted as well and still kind of is but i just miss her so much and wish i still had her. Its been only 4 days again now since no contact but i just wanted to know how you are doing and if you can tell me the healing process you went through.. Any info advice would be great man, i feel like sometimes this thing is going to swallow me and ill never be the same! Its so depressing!

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So I guess so much for 'count on family for support!" LOL

 

 

I hear that! I'm so glad to have found this forum because of this reason exactly. I have one wonderful friend who has listened and been there thru all of this. But so many other friends seem to expect me to be able to snap out of it and be fine. And I'm not. I'm not going to lie and say I am. I need a lot of help and support now, so I am going to at least be honest with what I am feeling. I think from the outside it's always easy to say they would be able to forget and move on. But no one has walked in your shoes and no one lives with your emotions: so I quit trying to explain myself to those who do not grasp that it's not so easy for me. My therapist told me no one can put a time frame on how long I am allowed to feel hurt or upset- this is my pain to sort through and I can take as long as I need. That made me feel alot better actually because it can be frustrating when there seems to be pressure to 'get over it already.' I am sure none of us like to feel sad. But we do. And at least we have this forum where we can express it openly.

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