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Thread: Four months after breakup and I'm still deeply upset

  1. #1
    TheEndComplete
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    Four months after breakup and I'm still deeply upset

    Four months ago I broke up for the second and final time with my girlfriend of ten and a half years. The relationship itself is a long story, so I'll get to the point. We initially broke up nearly four years ago and she moved away (there were issues within the relationship, plus she wanted to be back home near her family), but we reconciled after about nine months and spent the remaining time in a long distance relationship, living two time zones apart. Of course, in hindsight we never really addressed the underlying issues in the relationship, so the second breakup wasn't exactly a big surprise.

    After the breakup this past summer, we initially tried the "let's be friends" routine, which seemed to work okay for her but was painful for me (I still live in the apartment we shared for four and a half years, and will still come accross receipts with her name on it or other little reminders; a month or so ago I found some of her mementos, etc. which I boxed up and sent to her). I just couldn't chitty-chat with her about the weather while breakup wounds remained, as it reminded me of what we had while driving home the fact that we were not to be. Plus, I know that she's ready to move on. So, two weeks ago I broke off all contact, figuring it was necessary (at least for me) in order to heal. I can't be "just friends" with her yet. I probably should have done this from the get go, but after ten years, she's my best friend and I didn't want to lose that. I now sadly realize that being friends may not be in the cards.

    Anyway, four months have passed since the breakup and I am still deeply upset. I will be okay for a few days, and then there will be evenings when I get deeply upset. It will hit me out of nowhere like a punch in the gut. I am so tired of feeling this way and I just want it to stop. I want to heal and move on. I'm tired of expending emotional energy for a dead relationship. As she's ready to move on at this point, I feel like I've been left behind and that I'm taking an abnormally long time to recover. It makes me think "what's wrong with me?" Logically, I know that after a ten plus year relationship, four months is a drop in the bucket and I should expect a lengthy recovery time, but logic doesn't really get much say in one's reaction to breakups, unfortunately.

    I'd be interested to hear of anyone's thoughts, opinions or experiences.

  2. #2
    loulou37
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    You were together a very long time hun, that on it's own will take a time to get over, the fact that's it 4 months after the break up and you're still hurting is because you tried to remain friends, whether that was right or wrong, it has delayed your healing, so it's like the break up just happened 2 weeks ago when you cut the contact.

    Now you just gotta ride the waves (unfortunately) if you try not to think about it, well, then you're thinking about it, when the pain comes, you try to avoid it, it all takes energy...all you can do is go with it, feel it, experience it, it will come less frequently and hurt less as time goes on....try focus on yourself now.

    {{{{hugs}}}}

    love loulou x

  3. #3
    Capricorn3
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheEndComplete [Register to see the link]
    I feel like I've been left behind and that I'm taking an abnormally long time to recover..
    I think you are way too hard on yourself. Ten years is a very long time and I highly doubt anyone would get over it completely in such a short time as four months. You must be realistic and expect it to take longer. Allow yourself the time to go through all the emotions and grieve - anger, resentment, sadness, etc until you eventually come to the end which is acceptance. Once you reach acceptance, only then can you move on. What you are feeling is normal. It's not simply a case of "get over it". It takes time.

  4. #4
    mrtango
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    TheEndComplete, I am so sorry for what you're experiencing. We're in the same boat. 4 months have passed since my breakup and I am stilll deeply upset. This is normal because we're human.

    At first , I couldn't accept that she's gone forever but now I understand that she has already moved on. There's nothing wrong with you because you're human and anyone in this situation could be sad. I feel for you...

    I can tell you what I did. I am not angry with her because she told me honestly the truth: She doesn't love me anymore... It's harsh but honest. It was her decision and I respect her. Even though it's hard to swallow, I should chew it. I cried in the evenings and in some mornings when I saw her in my dreams. I was sad and I couldn't get over. I quit my job (bad decision because I needed something else to think) and I went abroad. I tried to stay away from memories in another country but I understood that my memories are in my mind. So I tried to make peace with my past and I thought about my past relationships. I understood my break up and found my flaws in my relationship.

    After all, I could accept that it's finished. I had some flaws but I did nothing wrong which caused that. So I made peace with it. I respected her decision and I did not contact her. She stick to NC too. I said nothing bad about her to my friends.

    I can't let her go easily and I couldn't totally move on. Not yet. But I am progressing. I started to breath and eat again. Now I can sleep. I don't cry anymore. But I am deeply sad sometimes. I think it's normal.

    I will get better. And I think you will get better too..

    Good luck.

  5. #5
    Awoken
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    Going to have to support this. I'm going through the same thing now with my ex and it's only been 5 weeks. This healing process is very difficult so you need to make sure you have some great friends and supportive family around you right now. Talk to people, get there opinions, basically you just need to vent and have people listen. I have been through that already. Went to a counsellor too which was great. Trying not to hold on to any anger either, no good for your mind or you soul.

    I have started writing a blog about my situation, which is also helping. You need to work on you (cliche but it's true) so that your healing will progress even faster. It sucks right now but you gotta find that support to get you through my friend.

  6. #6
    toby17
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    Four months isn't that long for a 10 year relationship. And I wouldn't put a time scale on it - it'll take as long as it takes.

    The fact that she seems to have moved on so quickly suggests that it didn't mean as much to her. But actually she probably checked out before you did - that just means she got a headstart. But the break up's not a competition.

    Don't try to be friends again. Stay NC until you feel nothing for her. It's the only thing that'll work.

  7. #7
    BlueRose66
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    Agee with everyone's opinion that 4 months is nothing. I am about the same time out from a 4 year relationship. I got the book "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing"by Susan Anderson and it is really helping me understand the grief process.

    I think I may be grieving for a while yet, and I too want it to be over. We cant hurry or run from this or it will resurface later in life.

    Take care...

  8. #8
    Eocsor
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    Hey EndComplete,

    I was with a woman for 14 years. Broke up once for a year and got back together and then had it end a second time for good after being back together for a long time.

    Four months is absolutely no time at all to heal from that. Itreally is just a drop in the bucket. Studies have pegged the AVERAGE time to heal after a divorce or end of a really significant relationship at about a year and a half. But thats average, some take less some more. Regardless, it's a long journey to heal and you have barely started.

    That may seem depressing but it does get better that I can promise. I have had two relationships of a decade plus each end and I got through it in one piece and so will you. It's cliche but true. It just takes time, a lot of it, to really move on. But we all get there and so will you.

    Focus on activities, work, anything to keep you busy. And avoid the dreaded rebound relationship as it will just delay any real healing. Just fill up your day as much as possible with anything and everything and time will work it's magic. And one day, sooner than you think, it will be behind you. Best of luck, I'm rooting for you.

  9. #9
    KYRiverGrl
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    I am 2 months out of an 11-year relationship and I stupidly emailed him today after almost 2 weeks of NC -- he had to wish me happy Thanksgiving (a week early). Crushed me. It is definitely better to tell yourself it's over, and break all contact. I have heard from many sources that it's a good year before you're totally healed from a LTR breakup. Hang in there, we'll all get better eventually

  10. #10
    TheEndComplete
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    Thanks for the replies, everyone. Lots of good advice, and honestly it makes me feel better to know that others can relate to how I'm feeling at the moment.

    Quote Originally Posted by loulou37 [Register to see the link]
    it has delayed your healing, so it's like the break up just happened 2 weeks ago when you cut the contact.
    Absolutely right, loulou. I hadn't quite thought of it that way, but it makes abundant sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by toby17 [Register to see the link]
    But actually she probably checked out before you did - that just means she got a headstart.
    You've got a good point, toby. For the last year of our relationship, she started hitting happy hours with her friends regularly (she never went out drinking with me), working out (which she had never done before) and growing out her hair which had been short since I knew her. In hindsight I realize that she was probably starting to check out and was preparing for a new single life (if she wasn't outright living it, as from thousands of miles away, I can't tell -- ultimately I trust her but the seed of doubt is there). For some reason, I knew a breakup was inevitable yet remained emotionally attached until the end, hoping against hope that things would somehow magically work out.

    So about a month and a half ago, she and I were talking on the phone and unresolved issues came up. Toward the end of the phone call she said she couldn't discuss these things anymore and that we needed a break from phone calls. I agreed. As soon as that break was initiated, she would start contacting me by email (I had almost always been the one who initiated) more than she had before the break. It was very difficult for me, and she seemed to want to have her cake and eat it too. Keep the troublesome phonecalls at bay but still talk about the weather by email. Eventually, I realized that I couldn't keep going down that path and that NC was on the horizon as partial NC was worse than full contact. As I mentioned, I finally established no contact in no uncertain terms two weeks ago. At the time, I told her specifically that small-talk only served as a reminder of what was gone. That it was too soon for us to be friends given our long history. She replied to that email at the time telling me she understood and would respect my need for time to heal. I have not contacted her in any form since then. Today, she broke no contact and sent me an email, filled with small talk. I don't understand...

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