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In love with same-sex friend but not gay... and don't know what to do


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This is the first time I have ever spoken about this, so I am a little nervous even talking about this, but it has been an issue that has been burning me up for many years. It involves me being in love with someone of the same sex-- but being straight and not sexually attracted to them. I don't know how to explain it-- and am trying to figure out how to.

 

First of all-- a little about me. I am in my mid-20's, and am straight. I am attracted to women, have had sex exclusively with women, and dated women (exclusively). I do not feel at all sexually attracted to men. That being said, I will begin my story.

 

When I was in high school, I met a really good friend. Over the years I was in high school, our friendship strengthened-- and I felt I had a very deep connection with him from the moment I first began talking to him. I have never spoken with someone in my life as much as I have spoken with this friend, and we have had very deep and connected conversations. I feel like if I was stranded on an island with him for years, we would never run out of things to stop talking about or stop enjoying each-other's company. Throughout high school, there were many times where he and I did things alone together and we always had a lot of fun (or at least I did). Every second I was apart from him, I would miss his company and think about him throughout the day and night. But, time passed, and before we both went to college, we had a major fight, and stopped talking to each-other. I remember that throughout this time, I continued to think about him, and I always felt some type of connection for him. As the months went on, I stopped feeling so emotionally connected to him, and the feelings were buried deeper and deeper. However, at some point, he contacted me again, and invited me to visit him in New York (where he was going to college).

 

The second I landed at JFK airport, all of the emotions "hit me" again, and I had the best weekend of my life hanging out with him. He took me all around New York, we went out to bars together, drank together, and had a really good time. One night, we got drunk together and I remember waking up (we slept in the same bed) and his head was rested on my chest. After that weekend, we went a few months without seeing each-other. The next time, he came and visited me in Phoenix (where we both went to high school and I was going to college) and we hung out with mutual friends. During that time, he told me he had had a girl-friend, and I remember feeling a bit jealous and saddened that there was someone else he was spending so much time with. After he left, I got a girl-friend. The girl-friend I had was only a sexual thing though and we didn't really get along on a personal or emotional level. I have had several girl friends after her, and I had girl friends in high school prior to befriending him, and same things applied.

 

Regardless, he dated the same girl for like 4 years. About a year ago, they finally broke up. But the odd thing was, each time I went to visit him in NY, he always seemed to make me a priority over everyone else. At one point, he had his girl-friend sit in the back of his car and me in the front while we all went out to dinner. I rarely saw her on my trips to New York, and it was kind of odd. He never visited me in Phoenix, because he never wanted to go back to Phoenix again since he was living in New York.

 

Two visits to New York ago, we both got drunk and he told me that he loved me. When I gave him an odd stare, he said "... I mean as a friend" (he has said similar things on other occasions and has even made weird sexual gestures at me [but were complete jokes of course]). At some point during the trip, he told me that he was no longer in love with his girlfriend, and I asked him what he meant by that. I asked him if he was ever truly in love with someone else and he told me no. I told him I thought I was, and he asked me who it was. I refused to tell him. Throughout that period, he made numerous guesses, at one point (on two occasions), he guessed it was him, and I told him no.

 

The most recent visit to NY, we got drunk again and he told me he loved me a second time, at which point I hugged him back and told him that I loved him also-- as a friend. He also continued to press the issue of who the person I loved was, and I finally lied to him and told him it was someone else.

 

But the truth of the matter is, that I love him on some level I cannot explain. I don't want to have sex with him-- I don't think of him in any sexual way. I don't even think I want any type of dating relationship with him either. I only want to know what he truly and honestly thinks about me and I hope he feels the same way and is tortured in the same way I am, but I am too afraid to ask him because I fear that it will damage our friendship and cause me to never be able to talk to him again.

 

I don't know how to describe what emotions I feel towards him. But, I know that I think about him all the time and that I would do anything for him. I know that I do very deeply love him-- but I feel that it is more than just normal love between friends, yet it lacks any type of sexual element. I know that being around him and talking to him makes me happier than any time in the world, and when I stop visiting him, I become depressed for weeks. This most recent return has made me more depressed than ever. And-- yet, at the end of the day, I only want to know that he reciprocates the same emotions. That's really it. I don't want to be in any type of weirdo relationship because at some point I want to have kids and get married, but I realize that I am always going to love him on an emotional level more than anyone I do actually end up marrying that is a woman.

 

So, my question is, what exactly am I experiencing. I have never found any post on the internet where a guy experiences this deep connection/love with their best male friend, but there is no sexual element present. The other question, is what do I do about it? I don't want to go on like this for the rest of my life, but unfortunately I feel I have no other choice.

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I think this kind of feeling can be various things. Unfortunately modern society tends to associate love with sex, which honestly is a rather recent development. If you look at classic literature, specifically Greek, you'll see that the topic of Platonic love was a big area of focus and something that was regarded as highly important. These days it's not. People are supposed to just have "friends" and one person whom they love monogamously.

 

I think this issue is further complicated for men specifically, as close bonds of this nature tend to be shunned and the "gay" label get thrown around like a threat. Women don't suffer from this problem as much. They can have very close friendships (even call each other "girlfriends", etc) an no one questions their sexuality. Guys are just expected to have machismo and not regard each other in a sensntive way.

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Could you love him "as a brother" - is it that sort of thing, rather than sexual? If you have no physical attraction, is it more familial? Could you tell him "you feel like more than a friend - I love you like a brother, man?"

 

Also, why do you want to know if he reciprocates the same emotion if you are not going to say anything either? Or what if he is bi and tells you he loves you in a sexual way? How will you react? Not saying it is sexual..but just sayin.. could you not want to know?

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I don't know how to describe what emotions I feel towards him. But, I know that I think about him all the time and that I would do anything for him. I know that I do very deeply love him-- but I feel that it is more than just normal love between friends, yet it lacks any type of sexual element.

 

Maybe you are kindred spirits.

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I think this kind of feeling can be various things. Unfortunately modern society tends to associate love with sex, which honestly is a rather recent development. If you look at classic literature, specifically Greek, you'll see that the topic of Platonic love was a big area of focus and something that was regarded as highly important. These days it's not. People are supposed to just have "friends" and one person whom they love monogamously.

 

I think this issue is further complicated for men specifically, as close bonds of this nature tend to be shunned and the "gay" label get thrown around like a threat. Women don't suffer from this problem as much. They can have very close friendships (even call each other "girlfriends", etc) an no one questions their sexuality. Guys are just expected to have machismo and not regard each other in a sensntive way.

 

I don't know anything about greek literature, and haven't read it, but I don't think my feelings towards him can be described with any friendship-- even ones that women feel. I feel like there is no one in the world that I love more than him.... but again, there is no element of sexual attraction. I feel as if I will have a wife and girlfriends that I might love but will not love as much as I love him.

 

Could you love him "as a brother" - is it that sort of thing, rather than sexual? If you have no physical attraction, is it more familial? Could you tell him "you feel like more than a friend - I love you like a brother, man?"

 

Also, why do you want to know if he reciprocates the same emotion if you are not going to say anything either? Or what if he is bi and tells you he loves you in a sexual way? How will you react? Not saying it is sexual..but just sayin.. could you not want to know?

 

The problem with telling him that "I love you like a brother" is that I don't love him like a brother-- I have a brother and I don't love my brother in the same way I love him. I love my friend more than I love anyone else I have ever met-- or maybe more isn't the word, but with a deeper sense of connection and almost like a "soul-mate" or "true love" minus the sexual element. I don't honestly know how to describe what I am feeling-- which is one of the reasons I am asking to figure that out. I don't know what romantic love is but I assume it has a sexual element to it, which this does not.

 

As far as if he reciprocated (which I hope he does, but do not know for sure), and was bisexual and was in some way sexually attracted to me-- I don't think I would actually mind. I mean, I wouldn't want to have sex with him or even do anything sexual to him, but I don't think I would freak out.... I would simply tell him that I love him very much and that I am not sexually attracted to him because he is a guy. I mean-- I could cuddle with him mabye or be touchy-feely (I feel weird even typing this lol) possibly even kiss but not have sex-- the sexual attraction element just wouldn't be there. He is a good-looking guy I would suppose but I would not be aroused if I attempted to have sex with him because I am not attracted to men.

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this reminds me a lot of my "doomed to be with my soul mate" thread thing. except a bit different.

 

i'm a straight girl and my best friend is a guy. he's in love with me.

 

me and my best friend are just utterly soulmates, whatever that means. "kindred spirits" i don't know, i really don't. we have a connection that can't seem to be broken, no matter how much time we spend apart. i love other people and want to be intimate with them and sexual with them, but with my best friend, i don't. i feel trapped because i will never connect with another human being on the same level as he understands me. if i was in a plane going down and had one phone call, it would be to him. if i was in a coma for ten years and woke up and wanted to speak to someone, it would be him. if i had to grow old and live my life with someone, it would be him. i've TRIED dating other people and was even in a relationship with someone i loved VERY much for 5 years but we didn't have the same connection me and my best friend do. i feel so trapped because i'm just plain NOT attracted to him sexually. no idea what to do.

 

so at least, i mean, i'm not in the SAME situation as you, but... i guess i at least somewhat know about the whole "tortured" feeling?

 

good luck

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I wouldn't for a moment consider this anything like a gay relationship. It's totally different.

 

This seems to be a sort of unusual friendship, the kind that practically doesn't exist today. I've wished for something close to that in my life. Today's society is all about facebook friends (389+), superficiality...someone you meet in class is suddenly a friend.

 

If you read the gospels (you don't have to be a Christian to do so), you will see some things like that, e.g. Christ's love towards John, the beloved disciple. Clearly not a sexual relationship, but Jesus loved John above the other disciples and it says that at the last supper John laid his head on Jesus' breast. Also the story of Jonathan and David in the Old Testament, who loved each other but were obviously not gay.

 

I don't know what secular literature has these sorts of relationships, but it seems to me that this many is like a father/mother/brother to you. You say you are not as close to your brother. Not everyone is. But I have a very close relationship to my mother, sister, and father, and that's really the only thing I can compare this to.

 

I don't see what the problem here is. You can continue to love your friend just in the same way that you love your parents/siblings (but more) and have a woman whom you love as well. I suppose it would be possible to have a man who loves his father or mother or sister or brother more than his wife. I don't think it's very common, and it's certainly not idealized by our culture, but it's certainly possible. Loving your wife above all is not a rule. In fact, if you live to have children some day, it is very likely that you will love one or more of them equally to your wife and friend (the above), if not more.

 

I don't think you need to do anything about this. Enjoy the fact that you have someone to whom you are deeply emotionally connected neither by sexual desire nor by blood (rare, but not wrong), which is something few of us can partake in.

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^yeah, maybe everybody is right. i mean it is what it is. just because it doesn't fit with the typical definition of things in our society today doesn't mean it's wrong or messed up somehow. just rare. maybe more people feel it than we think, but don't talk about it.

 

i can understand your need to know he feels the same way. that doesn't sound necessarily romantic or "gay" to me. you just feel things that are astounding you a little bit and so of course you want to know you're not the only one, here. it could feel bad to know you felt strongly towards ANYONE who didn't feel the same way in return (mother, father, friends, etc). makes sense to me.

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I have felt this towards 2 of my women friends.. and I'm a girl - its just a deep love that is non-sexual and you just love them. It's a rare friendship which is special and more meaningful than the 400+ friends garbage nowadays. You're lucky you've gotten to experience this. You're not gay, you just love your friend. And because you haven't felt this way towards anything/anyone else you're probably feeling slightly confused. It's normal.

 

It's hard to find this with people. Only man I felt a deep connection with was my ex, hence why we're working on things - consider yourself lucky. You just share a really deep love for someone !

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I get that you don't want to be gay - particularly if you think it's a barrier to getting married and having kids. And if you've never had thoughts about men (or boys when you were a kid), then I doubt you're gay.

 

But sexuality isn't black and white.

 

If you're open to it, I suggest you try imagining what it would be like to kiss your friend, touch him, etc. If nothing happens, just accept that you love your friend - maybe in a way that you worry is too much but so what. If something happens, it's not the end of the world. Being a bit bi isn't a barrier to eventually getting married and having kids.

 

On the other hand, if you're afraid you'll discover you're gay, I think that's the issue you need to deal with.

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Well I'm a chick but I had kind of a similar situation with a former best friend. I just really clicked with her. When our friendship ended (long story) I was incredibly upset..it was like being in love in a way but also without any sexual element at all. I admired her and thought she was cool and I still think she was the coolest person I was ever friends with (but I don't miss her now). I do think I put her up on a pedastal which was unhelpful.

 

I agree it could be a good idea for you to do some reading about platonic love and the origins of the concept.

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This VERY accurately describes to an extent what I feel towards him. Once, I had a near death experience and the first thought I thought of was him (and I had a girlfriend at the time). And, if any of the above events happened--I would call him and tell him what I feel about him FIRST before anyone else. If the world was ending and I had to make one call--it would be to him. So, yeah, the above description is dead on what I feel. Although, what I feel is more. When I am not around him, I get depressed and sad. When I don't talk to him, I wonder what he is doing. He is on my mind quite a bit--- even if I am dating or in a relationship. When he tells me about girls that he has sexual encounters with or girls he has dated, I feel some degree of jealousy-- not because he had sex with them, but because I fear he is getting closer to someone else. I know this is all very strange.... but I don't know what to do or what exactally I am feeling.

 

 

 

If I kissed him or touched him, I feel like there would be an emotional connection, but I would not be sexually aroused. Sexual intercourse would be simply off limits in my head, as that would not only be disgusting (gay sex grosses me out) and it would also be degrading. I would not be sexually attracted to him in any way. I know that I hear sexual experiences are different when you love someone versus when you just are having sex with them (I have never had sex with someone I loved) but still, that would be very weird and it's not a desire that I think I have.

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I didn't suggest you kiss him or touch, I suggested you think about and see if it turns you on.

But your post confirms what I thought. You've got enough people on this post telling you what you want to hear - that some straight people have intense feelings for their friends. If that's what you want to believe, believe it and move on. Personally I think you're in denial. If you want real answers, re-post in the GLBT section. But I dont think you're ready for that yet.

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I didn't suggest you kiss him or touch, I suggested you think about and see if it turns you on.

But your post confirms what I thought. You've got enough people on this post telling you what you want to hear - that some straight people have intense feelings for their friends. If that's what you want to believe, believe it and move on. Personally I think you're in denial. If you want real answers, re-post in the GLBT section. But I dont think you're ready for that yet.

 

I guess I will consider doing that.... but I am not in denial. I am not sexually aroused by men and I do not think of men in a sexual way. I don't know what you mean by "not ready for it" or that "I am in denial" because I am not. If I thought I might be gay, then I would divulge it here since this is an online forum where no one knows who I am. But I don't think that I am gay, or I would have mentioned it. Being gay or bisexual would mean that I have sexual thoughts about guys-- that when I see a man that someone would find "attractive" I would have sexual thoughts. I do not. Men do not turn me on whatsoever. I have never even thought about having sex with another guy and the thought of having sex with a guy simply grosses me out. I don't have any problems with gay people, I just know that I personally am not gay or bisexual.

 

I have had sex with several women-- many of whom were just one night stands, but to me sex, love, and relationships I guess are unclear. To me, sex is a completely different thing I guess than a relationship-- I simply view it as a sexual release-- I don't necessarily associate it with intimate closeness. I guess I am just weird. I have also had girlfriends and had "relationships" but the love I feel for this friend is more intense than any love I have felt for anyone else. I don't want to have sex with him-- in fact I think it would be degrading to both him and I to even try-- not to mention gross. (I wouldn't be aroused, as I said before).

 

I am simply trying to get help explaining what I am experiencing. I just don't know what to do and it has absolutely engulfed my life for the past couple of months since I last saw him.

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I found it rather interesting that you shared a bed with this friend and woke up to find his head on your chest and also that you say he has said "I love you" to you on several occasions. I can't help get the feeling that maybe you are BOTH in denial.

 

I don't understand what we would be in denial about? What's wrong going to sleep with someone in the same bed and him putting his head on my chest? It's not like we are making out and/or having sex. Plus, we both only have sexual relationships with women and ONLY talk about sex with women....

 

I don't understand why you all keep saying I/or he/I are in denial about things? Please elaborate....

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I don't think you are in denial based on everything you've mentioned. I think you just have an incredibly close emotional connection with this guy. I think that you will find that a lot of people won't be able to empathize because they've never experienced a relationship like that, but as people have said earlier, older literature is scattered with a few examples of these kinds of friendships. In my experience, I am gay, but one of my female friends and I have a very similar connection in the sense that I have told her I love her like a sister, but like you said, that's not quite accurate because the love is stronger and different, and not as strong as the love I've felt for a boyfriend, its soul-deep. You feel it in your gut for lack of better words. Thinking about her always elicits a strong emotional response. Yet when I have out of curiosity tried imagining her in a sexual way it feels gross and would be degrading to her. And when she stopped talking to me at one point for a while it was more upsetting to me than when I broke up with my boyfriend.

 

I think that you have this sort of connection with this guy is really special and something to value and cherish, because as others have said, it’s not a very common phenomenon, I think it’s something that is unique to certain kinds of people who happen to find each other and grow close under special circumstances where that closeness can develop to form such a strong bond.

 

I really liked hearing your story, but why are you asking about it though? What do you hope to determine or resolve? Do you feel the need to tell your friend about these feelings or are you just missing him a lot and wanting to talk about him? Whatever the case is I think it’s pretty awesome that you have this relationship; it’s too bad you two live so far away from each other.

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I like this response. To address one thing though, that my feelings for him aren't as strong as your feelings for your boyfriend; I have had girlfriends, and my feelings towards him are much stronger than my feelings towards any girl that I have dated.... that's the point that's hard to get accross. Yeah, I have sexual feelings and sexual urges towards girlfriends, but I would give up any of those times/occasions to spend a minute with him (not sexually, just being around him I mean).

 

I know it might sound awesome to have this relationship-- but it's really not. I feel tortured because I don't know what I want or what I feel-- because no one can describe it and I don't ever want to talk about it because it sounds kinda gay (not trying to be offensive, just saying what my friends/family would think) and people are going to think I am gay but I am not-- I just don't know how to describe it. I guess what has brought about this post is the fact that for the past few years or so I keep visiting him, and I just got back from New York in the end of September, and I have been very depressed ever since because I haven't been able to spend time with him.

 

As far as what I want from him-- I guess it's just to know if he feels the same way about me-- if I am as special to him as he is to me-- or if he just thinks of me as a really good friend and has no element of whatever I am feeling towards him. But, I am too afraid to confess to him that I feel that way about him because I feel he might think I am gay/bisexual and have a gay crush on him (despite the fact that I don't and I am not gay) and might not ever want to talk to me again. If he did that, it would devastate me and absolutely drive me into depression for years.

 

To be honest, I am just confused what I am feeling and what to do. I have to resolve this some how because I can't keep living my life like this....

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I don't understand what we would be in denial about? What's wrong going to sleep with someone in the same bed and him putting his head on my chest? It's not like we are making out and/or having sex. Plus, we both only have sexual relationships with women and ONLY talk about sex with women....

 

I don't understand why you all keep saying I/or he/I are in denial about things? Please elaborate....

I thought that both of you may be in denial because you seem so obsessed with it. Your words: "I just don't know what to do and it has absolutely engulfed my life for the past couple of months since I last saw him." - seems like it's taken over your life and it's just a little unusual (IMO), to have straight guys declaring such very deep love for each other, sharing a bed and resting their head on the other guys chest etc. I asked my husband if he would ever do that with his good friends and his response was an immediate NO.

 

I'm just saying that it seems a little unusual behaviour for straight guys - hence the possibility of denial. Of course I could be wrong, but I don't know any straight guys like this. Maybe it's more common these days.

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I thought that both of you may be in denial because you seem so obsessed with it. Your words: "I just don't know what to do and it has absolutely engulfed my life for the past couple of months since I last saw him." - seems like it's taken over your life and it's just a little unusual (IMO), to have straight guys declaring such very deep love for each other, sharing a bed and resting their head on the other guys chest etc. I asked my husband if he would ever do that with his good friends and his response was an immediate NO.

 

I'm just saying that it seems a little unusual behaviour for straight guys - hence the possibility of denial. Of course I could be wrong, but I don't know any straight guys like this. Maybe it's more common these days.

 

I understand that it's not NORMAL behavior-- believe me I get that. I have many male friends (that are all straight) and would never do anything like that with them or want them to do anything like that to me. As I said, I don't want to have sex with him... I just have a VERY close and weird (AND NON SEXUAL) relationship with him that I don't know what to do about or explain....

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To be honest, I am just confused what I am feeling and what to do. I have to resolve this some how because I can't keep living my life like this....

Why can't you just accept that this is how you feel about him and enjoy what you have and your friendship with him? You don't have to confess any feelings towards him at all and you know he apparently loves you too. Why the need to say anything? (Just trying to understand).

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That's the thing though, could you handle knowing it if it turned out he didn't feel as strongly about you as you do for him? In my experience one of two parties in every relationship feels more strongly than the other about the relationship. I think you're right that it will be very difficult to share your feelings about him with others without doing a lot of explaining every time. But I think this sort of relationship is worth the hassles. Imagine your life without it and it becomes shallower. That's just my opinion though. I think the depression side is going to be your biggest hurdle. I think that it would help to accept the fact that he may not feel the same way that you do, but that doesn't necessarily invalidate the relationship you have. It will never be perfect, but that doesn't mean it has to be devastating. Does that kind of address what you're feeling?

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And to address what capricorn3 said about 'most straight guys" not feeling this, its like people have said. This is not very common, especially among guys. I think its because most guys aren't as in tune with their emotions, so its less common for them to form these kinds of relationships. That's my speculation anyway.

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