Lived together for 7 years and he still doesn't want to marry me.

I'm confused and I'm sad. I'm also scared. We've lived together for 7 years. I am 42 and he is 29 (this has never been an issue with us...but it has been with his Mother, I think.) We raise my 15 and 8 year old children as our own.....the youngest calls him Daddy. He is good to us. He supports us in every way. He has never hurt any of us and he is an involved and doting father. Yet, we have drama. Almost every day there is a disagreement, argument, unfortunate event, if you will, that comes into play and screws up the day or at least a part of it..... We literally have some kind of drama at least 4 to 5 times a week.

I have a 22 year old daughter that causes us problems (she's not a druggie or anything like that....just a spoiled college student who still lives at home), our 16 year old daughter is dating now, which has caused some frustration and fear..... our 8 year old son has autism and we sometimes have issues at the school or with him personally here at home. I complain about having too much housework, I complain about him gaming for hours upon hours, at night (he does this after the kids are asleep for the most part, because I complained a lot if he didnt'), I am a jealous creature at times too, which doesn't help. His mother has finally let it be known that she doesn't really approve of our relationship, after tossing us out of the house we were renting from her and her husband, so because of that, we don't see them anymore. My boyfriend still talks to her from time to time, but their relationship is strained, he has an alcoholic brother who just happened to hook up with my niece...got her pregnant, and now they have a 2 year old daughter...they fight a lot, which always comes back on us too......we have money dramas too. I lost my job last year...went back to college and finished my Bachelors degree in May and still haven't been able to find a job. It's just one thing after another.........It's almost as if...just when he and I are doing good, getting along, no problems...BAM!!! Something happens.

Yet, we get along just fine. We are good together. We have fun together. We laugh together. We love together. We are friends. We took off 4 weeks ago for a weekend of road trips (flea markets and state festivals) and we had a blast! Just he and I...no fights, no dramas. Just laughter and fun!!! As soon as we walked into the door of the house on Sunday night...BAM!!!!!!! DRAMA!!!!!!!! Oldest daughter drama and drunken brother drama. It was disappointing to say the least

Tonight....his Mother called him with an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner. He said that she invited all of us. She's having it at the same house that she threw us out of I might add. Since tossing us out....she's never called to talk to me or the kids. Not once. I'm not interested in being in the same room with her unless she accepts us and apologizes to us for being so cruel to us. My guy told her that we would not be going to her place for Thanksgiving or anything else. He then asked her why she didn't like me. She denied it and said that she did. He told her that we were his family...the kids were his kids and I was basically his wife and she told him that if he felt that way, he should make it official.

Here's the problem. He doesn't want to make it official. He told me tonight, as he has in the past, that he "wants to get married one day, to me....but doesn't want to do it now because we fight too much" I'm devastated and I'm scared. I don't know what to do........if he doesn't want to marry me now, after 7 years, then why would he ever want to marry me in the future???????

He acts like he loves me soooooooooo much! He tells me all the time. He does sweet things for me all of the time. He holds my hand. He kisses my hand. He speaks kindly of me to others. He is good to me!!!!! I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you think??????? Should I continue to hold out????? I know that I want to! I love him so much!!! Our kids would be devastated if something happened to the relationship too!

This is a really difficult issue. It may be that he is more scared of potentially having to go through a divorce than he is of making the commitment itself, if that makes any sense. Not knowing him personally, it's hard to say if this means he will never want to marry you. He has been with you since he was in his early 20s. People change a lot from their early twenties to their late twenties/early thirties. It may be that in his own personal development he hasn't yet gotten to a place where he wants to be married. It sounds like he loves you and is committed to you but if you want marriage then that is a legitimate relationship goal. You may simply not be fully happy in this relationship without that. Only you can really know if you want to stick around despite not being married. It's hard for me to tell whether the fighting is just his excuse or if it's something that is out of the ordinary and needs to (and can be) addressed.

And by the way......we were tossed out of their rental property because of an argument that my guy got into with his step father. The step father has been very uncaring towards my guys mother and abandoned her (forced her to live separately from him while he attended college, she asked to go with him and find another job and he refused). Anyway...my guy confronted him about it, told him that he felt like he was going to set his mom up for divorce and he wasn't going to let it happen (the step dad just came into 2.4 million dollars of inheritence).......when my guy said those things....the step father (of 18 years) became irate and told him that we had 30 days to get out of his house!!!! The mother just stood by and allowed him to do it........that's why we stopped speaking to her, and him for that matter.

About 2 weeks after we were tossed out...she sent my guy an email telling him that she missed him and loved him and that she wanted to remind him that he "has a REAL FAMILY that LOVES him (yes, in all caps)...and that if and when his "plans don't work out, that he has a HOME to come back to"..............

Tell me she likes me.........

Personally, I'm peeved pretty bad about it.....I've been nothing but good to her son.

I'm soooooooooooooo confused and I have NO IDEA what to think?!?!?!?!?!

Is he not wanting to marry b/c of the "fights" or his he not wanting to marry b/c of his Momma??????

Thank you for your reply......

Yes, he was in his early 20's and he has grown A LOT since we came together. He has also never wavered in his loyalty to me and to our family. He told me that he just didn't want to get married only to end up divorced....which stung. I feel insecure knowing that he feels that way and also knowing that he still doesn't feel marriage is what he wants right now. He continually tells me that it will happen....we just have to get the dramas out of our lives so that we can have happy days more often than not. But how do we do that when the dramas are mostly caused by people other than ourselves?? And now I'm worrying about the Momma drama.......The whole Thanksgiving thing.....and then Christmas. Ugh. I really don't want to be around her....

It is possible that he feels if he marries you then suddenly he will be more financially and emotionally committed to your children and all the drama that goes with it. Right now he has an "easy out" if things get too rough. He is not legally bound to you. By not marrying you he keeps his options open if at some point he decides he wants to raise his own children rather than someone else's children. He hasn't even hit 30 yet and once he is in his 30's he may decide to find someone his age or younger to start his own family. It sounds to me like he is fine with this current set-up for now but doesn't want to commit his life to it.

But we share everything together....bank accounts, car insurance, car payments, life insurance...all in both of our names....He is listed as Father on the kids school papers and he goes to every single parent teacher conference as well as our son's IEP meetings for his autism. He's got our kids pics posted all over his facebook and has always referred to them as his son and daughter.

To think that he would carry on such a charade is devastating!! That would make him the biggest douchebag on the planet!!! Holy cow....I cannot even fathom him leaving us just to make a new family. It's absurd to think of...

For me it is anyway.....

Hi chicklet,

I'm not going to cover the marriage issue because I think lady00 has covered.

In regards to thanksgiving, the invitation from his Mother is her stab at an apology. Her son has stuck to his guns, he has stuck by you, and she has now decided to "fall in line" This is her way of demonstrating this. You may never be friends, but she has made the first move. She has swallowed her pride for the sake of her son. If you snub her now, you may not get another opportunity to put that relationship on a cordial footing. I know she has hurt you deeply and you may never be friends, but if marriage is on the cards in future, it may be pragmatic to build a cordial (if a little frosty) relationship with her.

Deci

But we share everything together....bank accounts, car insurance, car payments, life insurance...all in both of our names....He is listed as Father on the kids school papers and he goes to every single parent teacher conference as well as our son's IEP meetings for his autism. He's got our kids pics posted all over his facebook and has always referred to them as his son and daughter.

 

To think that he would carry on such a charade is devastating!! That would make him the biggest douchebag on the planet!!! Holy cow....I cannot even fathom him leaving us just to make a new family. It's absurd to think of...

 

For me it is anyway.....

Whoaa! Before we run away with ourselves, and imagine all kinds of evil machinations - bare in mind, he said he's worried about the number of loud arguments which occur between you.

I think you would be better working on that aspect of the relationship (and finding other ways to manage differing opinions rather than all out war) This seems to be the deal-breaker and major area of concern - and you yourself have admitted that it is a valid one.

Deci

Whoaa! Before we run away with ourselves, and imagine all kinds of evil machinations - bare in mind, he said he's worried about the number of loud arguments which occur between you.

 

I think you would be better working on that aspect of the relationship (and finding other ways to manage differing opinions rather than all out war) This seems to be the deal-breaker and major area of concern - and you yourself have admitted that it is a valid one.

 

Deci

I'm confused by this. I was defending him and his loyalty to our family to the poster above (crazyaboutdogs). I don't think for one second that he would leave us on the grounds that he wants another family of his own. There would have to be another reason....

Hi chicklet,

 

I'm not going to cover the marriage issue because I think lady00 has covered.

 

In regards to thanksgiving, the invitation from his Mother is her stab at an apology. Her son has stuck to his guns, he has stuck by you, and she has now decided to "fall in line" This is her way of demonstrating this. You may never be friends, but she has made the first move. She has swallowed her pride for the sake of her son. If you snub her now, you may not get another opportunity to put that relationship on a cordial footing. I know she has hurt you deeply and you may never be friends, but if marriage is on the cards in future, it may be pragmatic to build a cordial (if a little frosty) relationship with her.

 

Deci

You know what....I haven't thought about it this way. But, don't you think that she would have done better to have called me and not him? She hasn't called me at all. I've known her for a long time. I've lived with her son for 7 years. I truly believe that her intentions are not good. She is a spiteful woman.

Why do you want to be married? How will it be different than what you're doing right now?

Also, it might help to point out that you can't say that the arguing is solely because of others (his family, your kids, etc.). Life will always have drama. It's really more about how you react to it. I'm also curious as to why he would show you the email from his mother if he wants to maintain good relations?

Also......this is the first time that she has EVER hosted Thanksgiving. We have ALWAYS went to his Grandma's house (her mother). Now, after 7 years, she wants to have dinner at her house with just her husband and 3 boys (and their families???). Knowing her the way that I do....I think that she is doing it so that we don't go to either one of the dinners for fear of feeling uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable if we go to her house. Uncomfortable if we go to his Grandma's (because then everyone there will say..."Well, why didn't you go to your Mom's today??"

And that's EXACTLY what will happen. I feel sick from the anxiety and sadness of it all.......My guy however has been playing Battlefield 3 for 2 hours....that's how he gets this stuff off of his mind, and I do this. POST.

Why do you want to be married? How will it be different than what you're doing right now?

 

Also, it might help to point out that you can't say that the arguing is solely because of others (his family, your kids, etc.). Life will always have drama. It's really more about how you react to it. I'm also curious as to why he would show you the email from his mother if he wants to maintain good relations?

I believe that I seen the email ONLY because I was sitting in the bed next to him when he got it. Otherwise, i don't think he would have told me about it to be honest with you....

As for your comment about life dramas and how we react....I must admit, I don't take too well with dramas. I'm bad at them, actually. I either get really mad and yell or I get really sad and cry or I just say "to hell with it! I don't wanna talk about it"....so yeah....maybe it's me and how I react that really bothers him.

Lastly...why do I want to get married? For 2 reasons.

1. I believe in marriage. I was married before and I did it for all the wrong reasons. I swore that I would never marry anyone for any reason, accept for love, again.

And 2. The simple fact that he says that he doesn't "feel it" yet. He tells me that he wants to be married. He says it's to me. He says that when he does it, it will only be once.......yet, after 7 years, he's still not ready. Quite frankly, that scares me I truly feel that my fears will disappear once he does marry me. Why??? Because I know how much he respects the idea of marriage and how badly he wants to do it one day and if it's with me, I will know that it's for real. We'll be a done deal. Ya know??

I'm starting to question everything My heart is breaking......

Why do you want to be married? How will it be different than what you're doing right now?

 

Also, it might help to point out that you can't say that the arguing is solely because of others (his family, your kids, etc.). Life will always have drama. It's really more about how you react to it. I'm also curious as to why he would show you the email from his mother if he wants to maintain good relations?

Totally agree.. why rock the boat in marriage? U live as u were married.

To some people marriage adds pressure.

There are people who live together all thief life, share family, house and commitment and never get married..

Why fix it if it ain't broken..

Why??? Because I know how much he respects the idea of marriage and how badly he wants to do it one day and if it's with me, I will know that it's for real.

Yes, I completely see where you're coming from. This man respects marriage and wants to do it one day. If you had said that he believes it's just a piece of paper and doesn't have any interest in it, like what the previous poster commented, then I'd say you probably don't have anything to worry about. However, he DOES respect marriage. If I were in the same situation, I would be pretty upset thinking I wasn't marriage material in my boyfriend's eyes or something. (I'm NOT saying you're not marriage material, I'm just trying to imagine how I would feel if I were in your situation.) Try to talk to him about how you are feeling and your perspective. Also I would recommend that you work on your reactions to drama. Maybe you can come up with ways to react that don't create more drama....I don't really know all of the details or even how he reacts, but if fighting is going on, you should look at ways you can prevent it and be willing to change things about your reactions that will help you two.

Regarding his mother and thanksgiving. Maybe she's turning over a new leaf or extending an olive branch. Who knows. You and your boyfriend should plan to see who you both would truly like to see on thanksgiving and disregard people's possible malicious motives. Where does your boyfriend want to go for thanksgiving?

You know what....I haven't thought about it this way. But, don't you think that she would have done better to have called me and not him? She hasn't called me at all. I've known her for a long time. I've lived with her son for 7 years. I truly believe that her intentions are not good. She is a spiteful woman.

here is one of the problems. She raises an olive branch and you try to keep it going.

Marriage is not an award you get when you redeem your points for being good to him. When you marry, you are not just joined with him, but his family. If you keep the drama going, he sees a future with a divided family. Even if his mother did not do this for you, go and act like it is an olive branch. Be polite and say please and thank you. Appreciate the meal. Thank her for inviting you over. Be courteous. Be interested. It goes a long way. And I don't blame her for kicking you all out. She may love her son or you all, but she had enough drama on her property and had enough. There are relatives that I will see at parties, but there is no way I could live with them or more so end up in a landlord/tenant relationship with them. And we get along. But then again we avoid business transactions, etc and that is why probably we get along.

If you can just agree to be nice -- for him, it goes along way.

And no - she would call him because he is her son. You are not her daughter. And she could have thought you would have just spit back in her face. By asking the son, she is also feeling the situation out to see if he thinks you all would agree to come. And if it was the family's property you were kicked out of - she basically kicked her son out, and you went as a package.

Also, it seems that you have purposefully joined your lives as if to slowly creep up on him and try to make yourselves married all but in name so it would seem to make it hard for him to say no - but he is saying no right now. I think that joined bank accounts and kids calling him daddy are not a reason to force him to stay. I in fact think it wasn't right to have your child call a boyfriend - unless he was the child's biological dad - daddy. You can't find a younger man and groom him to be the husband you want.

I do agree that fighting too much is a problem. Either you need counseling to learn how to communicate or you both just attract too much drama in your lives and probably let too many other people into the relationship. The whole scene of the niece and brother hooking up and all that just sounds like a Jerry springer mess in a way - and you need to try to separate your lives from that. Sometimes two people together create a lot of chaos like too chemicals that have a bad reaction. You will both have to decide if you can make this work - or say goodbye. Or live apart.

Also......this is the first time that she has EVER hosted Thanksgiving. We have ALWAYS went to his Grandma's house (her mother). Now, after 7 years, she wants to have dinner at her house with just her husband and 3 boys (and their families???). Knowing her the way that I do....I think that she is doing it so that we don't go to either one of the dinners for fear of feeling uncomfortable.

 

Uncomfortable if we go to her house. Uncomfortable if we go to his Grandma's (because then everyone there will say..."Well, why didn't you go to your Mom's today??"

 

And that's EXACTLY what will happen. I feel sick from the anxiety and sadness of it all.......My guy however has been playing Battlefield 3 for 2 hours....that's how he gets this stuff off of his mind, and I do this. POST.

That is in your mind. You really don't know. In my family, now that we are grown and there are kids, etc, my brother is pushing to start the tradition of my family having a holiday together and not spending the day at grandma's. I don't agree . On the other side of the family, the aunts and uncles get together individually with their kids and grandkids, but on the other side, everyone still goes to grandma's = aunts, uncles, cousins, grand kids, great grand kids. Who is to say you can't stop by Grandma's first and say hello to everyone and then go to the parents? My rule is who ever invites first is where I go. It might be up to him to explain to Grandma that mom is having dinner and you are trying to see how you can do both - would it be okay if you all stopped by? Or its up to tell the mother - for him to tell the mother you are going to grandmas and will stop by for dessert.

Let your boyfriend figure this out where he wants to go.

Would it be too terrible to stay with him and never get married? Your older kids will maybe not be around the home in a few years from now, so hopefully the dramas would lessen. If he's pushed to get married when he's not ready, it might drive him away. If you're happy in your relationship, maybe you could not be too set on getting married, and just enjoy what you have.

Lastly...why do I want to get married? For 2 reasons.

 

1. I believe in marriage. I was married before and I did it for all the wrong reasons. I swore that I would never marry anyone for any reason, accept for love, again.

 

And 2. The simple fact that he says that he doesn't "feel it" yet. He tells me that he wants to be married. He says it's to me. He says that when he does it, it will only be once.......yet, after 7 years, he's still not ready. Quite frankly, that scares me I truly feel that my fears will disappear once he does marry me. Why??? Because I know how much he respects the idea of marriage and how badly he wants to do it one day and if it's with me, I will know that it's for real. We'll be a done deal. Ya know??

I'm still not sure I understand the reasons, or maybe it's that they don't seem like reasons that you would have to get married. You say you "believe" in marriage, but what does that mean? You don't seem to mind living together prior to marriage, so it's not about anything like that. And you're divorced, which means you don't believe in marriage when things aren't working out. It can't be about having kids, since you already do have kids, and so it's not imperative to be married for the purpose of children having married parents. What does believing in marriage mean to you?

I know you think that marriage will make your relationship "a done deal" but it already is a done deal. It's happening right now in your home, every day you sleep in the same bed and raise kids together, etc. As someone who's divorced, you should know better than anyone that marriage doesn't keep a relationship from ending. So I'm not sure I understand a marriage making this a done deal.

If I were you I would really sit with myself and think about why you want the things you want. Is it because you feel that after all this time that's the next appropriate step, therefore it should be taken? Is it about what other people think? Or do you question his level of commitment to the relationship and feel this is the only way for him to prove his love?

Hi chicklet,

If marriage is what you want, then it is what you want. That's the end of it. These are your feelings. Marriage is important you. There is no shame in that. Logical reasoning about how unimportant marriage should be to you, should be disregarded. No need to lie to yourself if you feel it's an important issue. It will only lead to resentment and be counter-productive in the long run. Be honest with yourself.

What I would look at, is how you deal with disagreements. This is where counselling can come in. It can show you different strategies to resolve disputes. Don't give up yet. Look at other options on how to heal your problem areas.

Also, it seems that you have purposefully joined your lives as if to slowly creep up on him and try to make yourselves married all but in name so it would seem to make it hard for him to say no - but he is saying no right now. I think that joined bank accounts and kids calling him daddy are not a reason to force him to stay. I in fact think it wasn't right to have your child call a boyfriend - unless he was the child's biological dad - daddy. You can't find a younger man and groom him to be the husband you want.

Bloomin heck, abitbroken. You'd make an excellent criminal prosecution lawyer. "I put it to you, your honour - The OP is a cold and calculating hussie who set out to trap a younger man. Bring in Exhibit A." You don't think that this paragraph is deeply insulting? And deeply disrectful?

Deci

Would it be too terrible to stay with him and never get married? Your older kids will maybe not be around the home in a few years from now, so hopefully the dramas would lessen. If he's pushed to get married when he's not ready, it might drive him away. If you're happy in your relationship, maybe you could not be too set on getting married, and just enjoy what you have.

I could live with this, but I wouldn't want to. I hope that one day, he will make me his wife.

He may --- and it isn't about the time line (7 yrs---10 yrs) it's about the drama and the yelling. Obviously, he cares/loves you -and your children --- and I would think that it is more important than a piece fo paper.

Thank you for this....

No, it is not the only way for him to prove his love. He proves it, every single day.

When I say that I believe in marriage.....I suppose that really all I am doing is lying to myself. It's not "marriage" that I believe in....it's love.

I have a lot of things to re-think.

He may --- and it isn't about the time line (7 yrs---10 yrs) it's about the drama and the yelling. Obviously, he cares/loves you -and your children --- and I would think that it is more important than a piece fo paper.

He told me last night that life without me is not an option. He said that being in love is for better or worse and he feels that he's proven to me that he lives by that......after all, he's dealt with outside drama, as well as our own dramas, for 7 years. He said that the good has always out weighed the bad and that when we get married, he wants us to be able to "enjoy being married". As of now, that would be impossible due to all of the garbage that we have to deal with.

He is sincere. I could never give up on him.......and he hasn't given up on me.

Thank you all.