I really need either some encouragement so I can continue to hang on or some advice on how to deal with this, as I am hanging on by a thread here. I love my husband. He is a great guy. We have had our problems, but currently our marriage is going pretty well with the one exception being our love life. We have been together for about five years, married for 3.
I have had one, maybe two orgasms with him this entire time. Our sex life started out very active, but it has faded over time like it does with a lot of couples. I lost interest in him physically probably a few years ago. We've both let ourselves go, although currently I'm in the process of getting myself back together. I could deal with his extra weight, but his hygiene has also taken a nosedive since we first started dating. Lack of sex has caused frequent arguments between us over the past few years. When he would complain, I would usually try to explain some reasons why it is lacking--because I need him to bathe, I need him to brush his teeth, I need him to actually pay some attention to me, and so on. There were always excuses, and he rarely ever did anything about it (although he did sometimes.)
This all led to me having an online affair. For a year I basically cybered with this certain guy. I used to have more orgasms with this guy during the course of one day than I ever had in my entire relationship with husband (didn't take much, but I sometimes got up to as much as 6 a day.) Eventually I ended the relationship, confessed to husband, and since then I've been trying to improve my marriage. It has improved tremendously. I am back to finding him attractive, even though I wish he would take better care of himself. He turns me on again, and we have been enjoying a better sex life...for him anyway. He has probably had more orgasms since I split with the online guy than he had in the previous three years of marriage. I, on the other hand--am still at 1 or 2.
As I've gotten bolder (and more desperate), I've told him our non-existant sex life was probably due in part to me never having an orgasm--maybe if I was satisfied every once in a while it wouldn't take so much persuasion to get me to have sex. During the past couple years as we've tried to work on this problem, I've said numerous times--"I want to have an orgasm. I want to finish first, because when you finish first, there is nobody finishing second. You do not get to finish until I do. I finish first." And so on. But every time...he would just finish and it would be over, like he totally forgot what we talked about.
Our talk about this has increased since our marriage has improved recently. There was one occasion that I actually really tried, but it was taking a long time and I felt he was bored, uninterested, so I just gave up. Since then, on a few occasions he has said he wanted me to finish, but it was when I was not really in the mood--just when he was in the mood. Since I've never really orgasmed with him, I am uncomfortable, so it's going to take me a while to be able to do it "quickly," and I need to actually be in the mood. So now he's quit trying, and I've quit trying.
This morning, however, I was really in the mood and wanted to give it a shot, so I initiated some sexual contact. He ended up finishing quickly. I was still feeling frisky, so I was decided to go ahead and try to give it a shot for myself. After a few minutes of him half-heartedly rubbing me and me actually wondering if he was falling asleep, it just kind of fizzled out and he ended up rolling over and that was it. He's been blissfully cheery all day, has no clue how upset I am about this.
This is the most discouraged I've ever been about our sex life. On the one hand, I was relieved, because this proved that all along this has not been ALL my fault. I figured it was my responsibility to seek out an orgasm, and if I hadn't been having them it was because I'd not been assertive enough, but this morning proved that is not the case at all. On the other hand, I am really depressed, because whereas before I thought I could do something about it, now I feel that there is nothing I can do about it.
I feel like I've tried everything and now I'm doomed to a lifetime of masturbation. I honestly don't even see myself wanting to do anything sexual with him anymore, because it's just an exercise in frustration for me and I end up feeling like crap. I want this to work, but I can't seem to get through to him and it's getting really tiresome. While most of the time I'm 100% committed to him and being faithful, I worry that in a moment of weakness I'm going to do something stupid like initiate another affair. I don't know what to do. Like I said, I at least need some sort of encouragement. Please help.