20 years later? Really?

Ok, this is my first post. I keep things very close in and don't have a support system in place. Maybe you all can help?

I've been married over 18 years and recently sought couples counseling. I've had a serious issue with intimacy my whole adult life. During this process, the therapist discovered I was sexually abused for over 2 years in my previous relationship - over 20 years ago. I had repressed many memories of that time. This has spun my life out of control and now I am on meds for depression. I just need to feel "normal" - what ever that is.

Has anyone had this happen? Realize over many years something horrible happened and had to re-live it?

Any advice for me?

I've often wondered if I did. But I have no memories; just suspicions. But I'm probably more closed off than even you.

IIWY, I would seek out individual counseling before MC, unless you can have both. You have to fix YOUR stuff before you can improve the marriage. Your therapy will help you come to the realization that abuse is on the heads of the ABUSER, not the victim. Victims ARE normal; they just had things happen to them. Doesn't make them any less normal. Why are you taking responsibility for it?

And a support system is completely in your control. Join some support groups. Join one of those group counseling things. Sign up for some community college courses and make new friends. Choose a new hobby and join a club for that. Get out and meet your neighbors and strike up some friendships.

I often wonder about repressed memories myself.

Was the couples counselling anything to do with the intimacy issues?

Have you carried on with counselling since you have discovered this about your past?

You really need to work through your emotions and feeling with someone before you can even begin to feel like you are back in control.

It will no doubt be a long steady process but you're going in the right direction now. Things may seem worse than ever at the moment, butwith the right help and a whole heap of time, things could be better than ever at the other side of this!

How did the "therapist discover" you were sexually abused 20 years ago as an adult in a relationship? You were a consenting adult at that point and not a confused child who has spotty memories because they have no reference for what sex is. Did you explain your relationshipp and the therapist label it as abuse, or did you have fond memories of the relationship and the therapist push? Everyone has felt hurt by a past relationship. but trying and pushing boundaries does not equal abuse all the time. There are many things that have happened in the meantime. Do you think all your problems stemmed from another relationship or are you just a reserved person naturally? Some people just are.

How old were you? I was 16-19 during mine, and I can't remember but one single instance of sex with my controlling ex-fiance; I do, however, remember feeling shamed and having to 'convert' to be 'good enough' for him to keep me.

I was 18-20 years old when this happened. The therapist we hired was initially for couples couseling as my spouse is with a separate therapist for anger/controlling issues (yes, I have been controlled by my spouse - we'll have to work that out eventually if the marriage is to be saved). The therapist was meeting with us individually to get to know us better. During that time, the therapist said I mentioned my previous partner multiple times. That, along with the fact that I recoil anytime my spouse touches me (feeling repulsed with any physical contact), she asked more specific questions about my past. My knew my previous relationship wasn't healthy, but the therapist actually pointed out that I was groomed and manipulated by my previous partner and abused sexually. Then came the flash backs and nightmares.

The therapist has switched from couples couseling to 100% my therapist to help me through this. I've suffered post traumatic stress symptoms and feel like I have been caught up in a tsunami.

I have lost 30 pounds since then and cannot stop losing. I am 5'9" and 127 pounsd. I hate my life now more than ever and really feel like I need an escape.

I really don't feel comfortable talking to people about this that I know.... but they are now noticing my drastic weight loss and are asking questions that make me feel cornered.

I know couseling is supposed to help, but I feel like my wheels are spinning. In my heart, I feel like everyone would be better without me around causing all this greif.

After discovering an old diary of mine I realised that I had somehow managed to supress certain childhood memories. Years ago when I was about 13 my dad had an affair. My parents stayed together and although I had always been aware that my dad had an affair I didn't know any of the details relating to it. I did have one very vivid memory of my mum crying and shouting as my dad was either packing or unpacking a bag "were you going to spend the weekend with her?" but apart from that I didn't have much else.

Anyhow some time later (probaby some 10 years after my dad's affair) I found this old diary. Flicking through I was shocked at some of the stuff I had detailed in there. I was obviously really affected at the time as I had written an entry stating that I could't bring myself to talk or to even look at my dad. I had gone into detail as to how they met .... at my dads golf club where he was no longer a member ... a condition my mum had set. There was more besides. The memories all came flooding back as I was reading my diary but to say I was freaked out at how much I had somehow managed to forget was an understatement. Up to the point that I had found my diary I knew my dad had had an affair but knew no details of it!!

Counseling isn't an overnight process. It will take a lot of time and a lot of work to work your way through your feelings, allow yourself to be angry, practice new behaviors, start new habits...all that stuff.

It's hard work, but you'll enjoy a MUCH improved next 50 years of your life, for this one or two years of therapy. Isn't that a great payoff?

Hey There Ridingthewaves!

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I don't really know anything about child abuse or memory suppression, but I definitely sympathize with you.

It's good that you're in therapy, hopefully it's helping. The only thing you can do is live each day the best way you can.

The weight loss is unfortunate, but weight is the only thing you can really control right now, so maybe that's why you're losing too much. Life might feel really out of control for you right now but the one thing you can control is what you put in, or don't put in your mouth. So maybe in a weird way, not eating is comforting.

In time, hopefully things will become better. When it comes to abuse I think it's impossible to predict what recovery will entail.

It's good that your husband is going to counseling. It sounds like he's really interested in saving your marriage. I really, really hope everything works out for the two of you.

*Hugs*

Thanks for all your positive support. I met with my therapist this week and was told I am at the point I need a second therapist to help with my now diagnosed eating disorder (my therapist is not trained in eating disorders and wants a highly trained one to help). So now I will go see this new person next week. Great. Now I feel really screwed up.

My husband is very controlling and judgmental. My therapist told me that it is rare she recommends a spouse to not be involved in recovery after trauma, but she did after he began acting and saying things that made it worse for me. Today, his therapist will tell him about my eating disorder (my therapist called his). I am terrified of what will happen when he comes home. He's asked me about my weight loss, but I blew him off and he assumed I was doing it the "healthy way". I am so scared he will begin hovering over me, forcing food etc. If that happens I will really need to escape, and that terrifies me.

Wish me luck.

You poor thing. You seem to be dealing with a lot. I wish you loads of luck!

It sounds as though your husband could do with being given some insight into eating disorders and how he can help you. I am sure there are support groups who can help educate him so that he can, in turn, support you.

Have you considered that his control and manipulation is what is causing your eating disorder?

Have you considered that you need time away from him so that you can figure out WHO you are, without his influence?

Have you considered that his control and manipulation is what is causing your eating disorder?

 

Have you considered that you need time away from him so that you can figure out WHO you are, without his influence?

His control is definitely an issue that if he can't correct through his therapy I will have to leave him. We have two children too and I want to be sure I've tried everything on my end before calling it quits. And being so messed up now, I can't even think of couples couseling to determine that yet. We both have decided to find ourselves through our own couseling before even trying to work on the marriage. I've seen him trying and small progress here and there. I am just still wired to expect certain behaviors from him. Hopefully he'll surprise me today.

The eating disorder came from the post traumatic stress syndrome I experienced when memories of my abuse returned. I was swept off my feet completely and food was the only thing I could control.

I appreciate your insight and question - it is causing me to re-evaluate my situation. I am glad I joined this group and already feel more support than I do here sitting in my house.

Have you considered that his control and manipulation is what is causing your eating disorder?

 

Have you considered that you need time away from him so that you can figure out WHO you are, without his influence?

I'd also consider this carefully and explore the possibility with your therapist.

Eating disorders are a common issue with people who have a controller and manipulator in their lives - it's something that you CAN control when everything else is going to hell in a handbasket. The act of eating/not eating or binging/purging can be an outlet and relief, or a feeling of successful rebellion in situations where you have no control over other things that are happening. And right now, between dealing with old trauma, and dealing with a controlling partner, there are a lot of things in your life that feel like they're way out of your scope to control or influence I'm sure!

Take extra care of yourself - and if your therapist feels it might help, consider taking a weekend at an affordable hotel on your own, or with a close friend you'd be comfortable with. Not sure what the climate at home is like - but it sounds like you could use a break.

Eating disorders are a common issue with people who have a controller and manipulator in their lives

Go get this book from the library, and read it this weekend; then let us know what you think: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft. It's the bible of abuse/control issues and will clear up a lot.

Wow. Thanks everyone. I will explore this further with my therapists and go check out the book. I have been so much in denial over the years "no, my previous relationship wasn't abuse", "no, my husband isn't controlling, it's all my fault" just to find out it is just the opposite. I just don't know what is real and what isn't.

Well, the book will explain why 95% of all abusers are men. Women are predispositioned to give in, to bow down, to not put up a fight, to go along...to blame themselves.

Women are predispositioned to give in, to bow down, to not put up a fight, to go along...to blame themselves.

So true. He doesn't control me physically - no violence, but boy he does have to get his way on everything. I can't even put the dishes in the dishwasher without him coming behind me and rearranging where they go.

You sound exactly like me. My husband used to literally come behind me if I mowed the yard, and RE-MOW it! I finally got smart and said 'since you don't like the way I mow, the job is now yours.' And I never mowed again. He just gave himself a job! Good for me! I suggest you do that with the dishwasher. "I am not loading the dishwasher any more since you think you do it better. It's your job now." And just walk away.

Every single time he does that, you question yourself a little bit more, convince yourself you are worthless, can't take care of yourself, NEED him to make your decisions for you...it's debilitating. Start taking back that control. And read that book.

You sound exactly like me. My husband used to literally come behind me if I mowed the yard, and RE-MOW it! I finally got smart and said 'since you don't like the way I mow, the job is now yours.' And I never mowed again. He just gave himself a job! Good for me! I suggest you do that with the dishwasher. "I am not loading the dishwasher any more since you think you do it better. It's your job now." And just walk away.

 

Every single time he does that, you question yourself a little bit more, convince yourself you are worthless, can't take care of yourself, NEED him to make your decisions for you...it's debilitating. Start taking back that control. And read that book.

Great idea. I'll do that! Thanks for the validation - I don't get much of that around here....

Here's another success story, in case he doesn't help around the house. My IC told me to tell my husband that I needed him to help out with even ONE chore, to take off my shoulders so I could destress, since I do almost everything (his mother was still picking up after him after we were married!). I asked him to pick something. He refused!

I sat and stewed on it for a few days and finally realized that if he wasn't going to offer to help, I'd have to help myself. I determined that it didn't matter to me one way or another if HIS clothes got washed - I didn't use them. So I stopped washing his clothes. I knew that, when he ran out of clean clothes, he'd come to me. He did, griping and angry. How dare I not keep him in clean clothes? I just shrugged and said 'You SAID you wouldn't help me out by taking on one chore. So I had to find something that I could take off my list, and your laundry was the one thing that didn't matter to me, so I gave it up.' And then I just walked away and went on with my 95% of the other chores.

That afternoon, he took care of a couple things I'd been asking him to take care of for months. And I did a load of laundry.

Point taken and learned.

Wonderful story! I love it! My husband is more helpful, it is just the emotional help I don't have. By the way, I am not up on all the abbreviations - what does IC stand for?

Thanks for the smile - I needed it!

I love it

IC = independent counselor - your personal therapist

IC = independent counselor - your personal therapist

Thanks! Is there somewhere where the abbreviations are listed? I see NC a lot on this site too - not sure what that means either. I'm really green!