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Thread: Can't remember being sexually abused

  1. #1
    whoamireally

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    Can't remember being sexually abused

    I want to know if it's possible that I had been sexually abused as a child. I have strange issues with sex that really mess up any relationship that I try to get into, even with the most caring person. At the first sign that someone wants to have sex with me I throw myself at them indignantly. I am angry and mad and give myself away out of anger. There are times that I initiate it, but more often than not I do it in a way that I imagine is saying "If you want me then just take me already." After that it all depends. Very rarely does it go smoothly. I often need to be choked or else I will start crying. I refuse to ever say "stop" out of some sort of fear and guilt. I usually start crying and shaking but feel stupid and like there is something wrong with me so I will end up biting my hand until it bleeds. I try to hide my crying usually but sometimes end up havng a panic attack and cant hide it. If they end up stopping for me out of concern I am overcome with guilt and self loathing. My head is filled with thoughts like "You are so stupid you are such a fing idiot shutup stupid * * * * * * " and I will force myself to stop crying and make them keep going. After I have sex I always am unable to look at my partner or be touched by them. I sit staring blankly for up to an hour and become extremely depressed. I have stopped now but I used to cut myself out of hatred for myself. If I am in a relationship I will literally wake up in the middle of the night crying and shaking remembering having sex with them and fearful for the next time we have sex. I was also extremely sexually interested as a child and had perverted thoughts as early on as I can remember. I only recently began to think that I may have been abused as I have searched endlessly for a reason for my strange behavior towards sex. I can't remember anything at all unusual about my early childhood. Any input would be appreciated.

  2. #2
    chr8st8na
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    Maybe. Your problem sound pretty bad and a licensed therapist is probably better equipped to help you.

  3. #3
    lukeb
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    It does sound pretty bad, I think seeing a therapist would be a good idea. There does seem to be a lot of guilt around the enjoyment of sex, there can be many reasons besides actual physical abuse for that. Years and years of programming that sex is dirty can have that effect aswell.

  4. #4
    Gracelove
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    Hey There Whoamireally!

    I don't know if you've been abused, but you definitely seem to have some bad feelings about yourself. You feel you need to be punished in a horrible way.

    Have you ever been comfortable with sex? Was your first experience with sex a positive one?

    Is there some reason you don't like yourself? Can you think of why you're so frustrated with yourself? I know you talk about sex, but that really doesn't seem to be the main issue. It sounds like something else is going on.
    It seems like sex is just the vehicle you use to punish yourself.
    Inadvertently though, you're punishing your partners in the process.

    Have you, by chance, ever had an eating disorder?

  5. #5
    whoamireally

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    Thank you for the responses. I have never had an eating disorder and have had no other problems besides sexually. The only reason I looked into perhaps being abused as a child is because I fit into many of the symptoms. I was extremely shy as a child up until high school I wouldn't even speak to people I did not know. I also have nightmares up to this day of my childhood home. However, I did go through other things as a kid that may have caused these behaviors (My mom abandoning me, parent's divorce, alcoholism and bipolar in the family, and my brother was an extreme drug user)... But even before all of that I was an extremely neurotic child, I hallucinated often and never slept with the lights off or doors open. I was scared even the first time that I had sex, but there was a time after that that I claimed myself a "sex addict," in which it was the only time I did feel safe, until it turned into fear again. These problems do not affect me so much outside of relationships. I do become depressed every once and while, but as i am single right now I am functioning fine, going to a major university and have a normal social life. I have learned to deal with a lot of the problems on my own, such as self abuse and drug and alcohol dependency, which I haven't done in over 3 years... now the only thing that affects me is the actual act of sex.

  6. #6
    ~Seraphim ~
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    I have no idea if you have been or not, but the brain does repress what it can not handle. Trauma too before your brain is mature tends to cause issues with memory. I remember some of my sexual abuse, but not all of it. That could also be the age at which it occurred and now the time that has passed. I however have no memory of my therapy after, except her asking me about when my grandmother died. That is the only thing I remember. I was teenager( 14- 16) at the time of my therapy and I SHOULD remember it but I don't and from what my mother said I went almost every day for 2 years. So anything is possible in the realm of the brain. I would find someone you trust, a therapist to sort this out because it is impacting your life so negatively.

  7. #7
    lostinthecloud
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    I would also suggest some type of therapy. Therapy could help find underlying issues. There is nothing wrong with having different preferences during sex as choking is a type of fetish some have. What happens when you don't engage in sex? How do you feel? Do you feel like you can ever say no when the other initiates it?
    I can relate with you on the crying part. I have cried with three partners. Only with one I cried during and I think that was more happy tears. But with the other two I think I also cried out of guilt and disgust.
    Sex is a very complicated thing!

  8. #8
    abitbroken
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    Some people were never abused or touched inappropriately but have problems. I would not look for a person that abused you or an event, but focus on self acceptance and also go to a therapist that deals with self esteem and sex issues. The therapist has no idea who you knew or what you did as a young child so they can't really point a finger. I would work on learning how you can move forward.

  9. #9
    Capricorn3
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    Quote Originally Posted by abitbroken [Register to see the link]
    Some people were never abused or touched inappropriately but have problems. I would not look for a person that abused you or an event, but focus on self acceptance and also go to a therapist that deals with self esteem and sex issues. The therapist has no idea who you knew or what you did as a young child so they can't really point a finger. I would work on learning how you can move forward.
    ^^ I agree with this. I wouldn't automatically assume abuse, but I would definitely say that therapy is in order to get to the root cause of these issues.

  10. #10
    Bammbi
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    i have the same problem i can't remember anything about being abused but i know i was abused for years. it has made a dramatic effect on my relationships especially sex wise. i seem to use it as a weapon as such and i hate it. i feel like i can't say no just like you, scared how they react, suffer panic attacks ect. I was extremely sexually interested as a child to and also had perverted thoughts from a very young age. i'm slowly dealing with it, it's easier if you talk to your partner and explain how your feeling about it, they may help and try to make you feel more comfortable, i often start crying during sex but my partner re-assures me that it's going to be okay, he's not going to hurt me and offers to stop. after a while you'll feel more comfortable, i'm only a young adult i'm not even 20 and i'm slowly dealing with it, i'm thinking about going back to see a theripist maybe you should do the same.

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