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"I'll Never Find Anyone As Good!"


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I'm sure this is a common statement when healing from a break up. I know I've caught myself saying it on multiple occasions in the 10 weeks since we broke up after 4.5 years. I keep comparing women to my ex. Buddies will attempt to set me up, I'll get some info on the potential girl and instantly compare her qualities against my ex's. I'll spot a women at the bar or in the mall and immediately compare them to her. Then I find myself reminiscing about my ex's great characteristics and what not.

 

I'm seeking success stories from ENAers who felt they'd never find anyone as good but as time went on they did.

 

Now I know 'good' or 'better' are subjective terms, so maybe we can use the words 'compatible' or 'better fit for me' as opposed to using comparison words.

 

Thanks, I really enjoy coming here for success stories and hope to get a few from this thread.

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First off, you are only 10 weeks out of a 4 and a half year relationship. Thats nothing. I know it probably feels like a long time, but its nothing. Its only natural that you would compare and feel that way.

 

Anyways, its been over 2 years since my breakup, closing in on 26 months. I felt the same way at first. I knew my ex was bad news, but I always thought I would never find anyone I would click with like that, or that I could just have that kind of relationship with.

 

Well, I got together with my current girlfriend 7 months after the breakup. Truth be told, it was probably too soon. We had some issues at first, but as time went on, we have gotten closer and closer. And the truth is, she actually is better than my ex. To start with, she doesnt cheat on me. I trust her. I didnt trust my ex for most of the nearly 7 years we were together because she was a cheater. My family and friends all like my current girlfriend, none of them liked my ex. We get along great and just enjoy each others company.

 

I still think of my ex from time to time, and yes there are things about that relationship that I miss. But Its been a long long time since I have thought of my ex that way or pined over her. I have someone better in my life who makes me happy. I never thought I would come this far after the end of that relationship, but here I am.

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IMO it's all about your attitude. There always is and will be someone out there just as compatible, just as 'right' for you as the person you dated previously. But, you can sit there and refuse to acknowledge that because you had grown so accustomed and comfortable with the person you were dating that you could never see yourself getting as close to anyone else (when in reality...what would be stopping you from getting that close to someone else is the fact that you don't think you could ever). You build up a wall to new experiences and new people because you don't want to let go of the person and there was nothing wrong with them (I would say generally the dumpee is the one that thinks this way). It personally took me about a year before I came to this realization.

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I can say definitively my current husband is way more compatible with me than my ex, and my ex-ex. That's not to say we don't have our differences - but they're not the same - and our communication is FAR better than in any of my previous relationships. That's one thing that's made a huge difference, communication.

 

He also speaks my "emotional language." He values the little things I do for him, the little touches, and values some individuality and space even though we're very very close. That was something I missed in my previous relationships.

 

So it's a combination - even though both of the endings of my previous LTRs were painful - I learned a lot about myself and my own needs, and a lot about what wasn't being met - because until those needs were met for the first time, I didn't even realize it wasn't a flaw in me, just something that wasn't really compatible with my exes. Those experiences prepared me to recognize when something better DID come along, and jump at it with arms wide open (and a quaking, nervous heart I should add!)

 

Hope that makes sense!

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Mustachio - Thanks for the reality check that I'm not that deep into my recovery yet and about your story. My ex-ex sounded like your ex, and your current sounds like my ex (do you follow? haha) I made such a huge upgrade from ex-ex to ex i just don't see that happening again.

 

Hollyj - We had been long distance for 2 years with no definitive end date in sight. Her job took her elsewhere and my future studies would keep us apart indefinitely.

 

AJEDrew7 - Thanks for the insight on me putting up barriers, I totally get what you're saying. It's a defense mechanism to avoid pain and hurt again.

 

Mesemene - Yes, it does make sense! I love that line about learning through painful break ups, like AJEDrew7's comments, I really see what you're getting at. I now know what to look for, and more importantly, what to avoid.

 

My main issue is my ex was beautiful, intelligent, rational, physically in shape, educated and I'm finding it difficult to find all these qualities packaged into a non-high-maintenance female. But going back to Mustachio's comment, I am early in recovery.

 

Thanks again everyone!

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Well, I'm afraid I can't add anything positive - but I will watch the thread with interest.

 

I just broke up with a girl and genuinely believe I won't meet someone I click with like that again. Call me naive, but I spent last year on an MA course with about 100 girls from all around the world (many of them super-attractive). A few of them hit on me (it was a great guy ratio!) and not a single one came close in terms of chemistry or attraction - even if they were better for me 'on paper'. I didn't for a second consider cheating on my ex. I am now doing a job where I am living kinda in the middle of nowhere, most of my co-workers are engaged or married and I barely have time to get into the local city. My odds are considerably worse than last year - and even then, surrounded by women, I didn't find any of them as compelling, beautiful or fun as my ex.

 

So... yeah. Not a cheerful assessment, but I think it's realistic unfortunately.

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I am a little over 6 months out of a breakup. I was with my ex for almost 3 years and was comfortable. I was thinking about marriage, I thought she was too, then she left me for another guy. It was terrible. I went through some very tough times but am over it now. I realize it was for the best and I am happier than I have been in long time. You too will get to this point.

 

In the beginning I did the same as you. Did not think I could find anyone better, compared all women to my ex, etc. As I progressed, things changed. As I moved further from my ex and thought about her less and less, I began to get back my "old self". Again, you will too.

 

"Better" is a difficult concept to qualify. You can't compare other women to your ex because they are all different. Positives and negatives come with each. It's all about what makes you happy. I have found a new girl. Better? Too early to tell, but I sure am enjoying things.

 

I met her when I was least expecting it, at my alma mater's football game in early September. Things clicked. We talked all night, oblivious to everything else. We were very attracted to each other. I knew I had to pursue this so I got her number, called her a few days later, and set up a date for the following weekend. Killed the first date and we have been going strong ever since. Things are great.

 

Back to the subject at hand. Is she better than my ex? Right now I think she may be. She is younger and hotter than my ex, which is nice. She is also more intelligent than my ex (she's an environmental scientist!). We have alot of fun together and enjoy similar activities, e.g. live music, good food, nature, etc. However, the one thing missing is a deep connection. This is to be expected at such an early point in our relationship and is only built over time. This, for me, is essential to any relationship and will be the key in determining "better."

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Goodfellas, yea I see how you say that. So your ex was way "better" than your ex-ex so you wonder how you could find someone better. Well as you said, better might not be the correct word. But when you find someone that you click with and everything is right, she doesnt so much have to be "better" but she will be better for you, and it will actually work. Thats how. Youll be fine, but again, I know what it was like after only 2 and a half months, I was still in pain and I bet you are too. Give it time.

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I think I have a success story to tell even if this present relationship doesn't last. I too thought I would never be able to love anyone again. I was given all the crap about him wanting a break in early March. It was actually just his cowardly way of getting rid of me. Turns out there WAS another woman on the scene.

 

I didn't really go out to meet other men, but I ended up falling in love with somebody I had known for quite some time as a friend. He doesn't have some of the qualities of my ex which had appealed to me at the time I was with my ex. Those qualities don't mean much to me anymore. My current partner is a completely different type of man. One of the things which is weird is that I thought my current partner was attractive when I knew him as a friend, but I sort of disregarded it or at least didn't dwell on it - I was completely faithful to my ex. It's not just me who thinks the current partner is good-looking. Every single person who has either met him or seen photos (including some ENA members) say he is very handsome. Even my grown-up son said "Geez Mum, he's a handsome dude". Of course there are a lot of other things about him besides his looks which have caused me to feel drawn to him. He told me (and other people) that he liked me fa LOT rom the second time he met me - The first time we met he was with his boss and college supervisor undergoing supervision and we hardly spoke or had contact. Other people were remarking to me that he seemd to spend more time than necessary with me, but I thought they were just being silly, and I was so hurt by my ex that I really wasn't looking for anyone.

 

My ex says he "wants to be friends with me" and wants us to go out for dinner and coffee. I didn't say much to him, but I've set a date to collect the last of my homeware which is still at his place, and frankly, I don't ever want to see him again. Time has enabled me to see things differently. I used to think my ex was the best person in the world and my best friend, and today, I see all that very differently too. He is far from either of those things.

 

Even though it was hard, having the most limited contact with my ex - virtually no contact was the best thing for my recovery. As far as my ex goes, any woman who wants him can have him - because I certainly don't.

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To be honest, it's suprising to hear that you are so actively searching for a new girlfriend 10 weeks after a 4.5 year relationship. I am 12 weeks out of 2.5 years, and I can honestly say my ex is the most gorgeous girl I have ever senn anywhere ever physically, plus I was madly in love with her personality.

 

I also find it hard to believe I will ever meet someone as 'good'. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But I also know this is surely natural thinking when it's still so raw and I was so incredibly infatuated with her. I need to really reflect on the relationship, understand why she lost sttraction and where I should have done things differently in order to prevent the BU, build my confidence back up, fully heal from the feeling of rejection, grow to be the best I possibly can be ..... then when I'm healed and I'm not comparing new girls to her will I go back out in search of someone I'd want a serious relationship with!

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Silverbirch - Thank you for the enlightening story. I was given the "we need space" talk in March, we got back together in May and it ended in August. There wasn't anyone else, I'm certain of it, but it was painful to be strung along like that. Lesson learned. I appreciate your honesty and, yes, i would quantify that as a success story so thanks!

 

vel2011 - I'm not actively seeking, my friends are trying to snap me out of a funk is all. If anything I'm trying to grow from this vulnerability and pain. I understand completely where you're coming from when you write: I need to really reflect on the relationship, understand why she lost sttraction and where I should have done things differently in order to prevent the BU, build my confidence back up, fully heal from the feeling of rejection, grow to be the best I possibly can be ..... then when I'm healed and I'm not comparing new girls to her will I go back out in search of someone I'd want a serious relationship with! Thank you!

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I can relate to what you say about your ex. My first long term girlfriend was perfect for me in every way. Very romantic, sexy, hard working, practical, honest, the list goes on. I can only complain about 1 thing which is she didn't complain! Of course it was our first serious relationship and learned many new things together, so maybe thats why it feels special.

Now the good news for you. This was over 20 years ago. You stop comparing because each person is different and unique. I was with another girl for a long time who was the sweetest person you would wish to meet. Absolutely smashing lady. Not like the ex, how could she be? She was her own person.

So maybe it's just time you need under your belt. You may be comparing for a while yet, but there will be time when that will stop naturally.

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I'm another success story in finding someone better and more fulfilling to me in everything...this includes the way he treats me ...caring sensitive...handsome everything...

 

I always say the Universe makes way for a new and more better fit for you...that's why these temporary people are temporary...they may seem the perfect fit at the time and you start to settle for things you never would when you're single...so after you get a bad dose of reality and realise who you are and what is right for you ...you realise what was right was wrong...and what being a careful selective being for the next one...that's why as we age we become pickier...because we know what works and what doesn't...

 

As for the exes losing attraction ?! too bad so sad...the next one will enjoy you and they [the exes] can then only have memories of what they had...cause if you're smart you won't settle back with an ex that thought of you in a negative light...

 

Incidentally I had been on the road to getting back with my ex before I met my current partner...however when I first met my current partner and only had one date...I decided I would focus on someone new [him] for a change...so I cut my ex completely off without a word plus blocked him on facebook so he would not disturb my peace...8 weeks later the ex contacts me much to my annoyance [peace now broken]...and all I did was inform him that I now have a wonderful new man in my life and we are on the same page...then after he congratulated me I proceeded to tell him to delete my number as I had already a while ago was the best thing I ever did !!! I told him exactly what was going on in my life in terms of my new guy I wanted him to know for the last time that I have no interest to entertain him furthermore...and I meant it !!!

 

I turned the tables for the right path for me...I didn't want to give my ex a chance with me afterall there was a stage he thought he was king...well now he is the pauper LOL

 

And that's when you are over the ex...I am now still with the guy I had that one date with when I had decided to cut the ex off...it's been over 3 months together now...and I am the happiest I have ever been in years and the best thing ?? I can be myself and don't have to think could I be smothering him or whatever... because the one that wants you *completely* doesn't think like that at all...

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I can relate to what you say about your ex. My first long term girlfriend was perfect for me in every way. Very romantic, sexy, hard working, practical, honest, the list goes on. I can only complain about 1 thing which is she didn't complain! It was both our first serious relationship and learned many new things together, so maybe thats why it feels special.

 

Now the good news for you. It was over 20 years ago for me. You stop comparing because each person is different and unique. I was with another girl for a long time who was the sweetest lady you would wish to meet. Absolutely smashing. She wasn't like my ex, how could she be? She was her own person.

 

So maybe it's just time under your belt you need. Of course you will compare for a while yet but that will stop naturally. It won't feel like it at the moment but it will fade in time.

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Hmmm....I think a comparison would be interesting and somewhat humerous. As some of you may know, I was shattered when my husband moved out, but I filed for divorce, nonetheless, when I realized he was happier without me (in fact, years later he admitted he was putting up a front so I would get jealous and come after him - which I never did). I never really believed I'd fall in love again, least of all find someone better than my ex, but I have. And he loves me, too.

 

Ex: Short and paranoid about it. New Guy: 5'10, not tall, but still would tower over ex.

Ex: Skinny. New Guy: Normal size.

Ex: Losing his hair and paranoid about it (I've dated two extremely attractive completely bald men since my divorce - it certainly didn't bother me). New Guy: Not losing his hair, but couldn't care less if he did.

Ex: Should have been paranoid about his gray teeth. New Guy: Beautiful smile - not perfectly straight, but perfect because it's genuine.

Ex: Hates his job, but loves the money. New Guy: Internationally known artist who loves his job, makes less than I do, and wouldn't do anything else.

Ex: Dated a woman he didn't feel anything for for 2 years. New Guy: Took a 2 year break from dating anyone after he ended the last relationship.

Ex: Emotional zombie. New Guy: Normal human emotions.

Ex: OK looking. New Guy: OMG, I can't even believe a man that gorgeous is into me.

Ex: Looks 10 years older than his actual age. New Guy: Looks 15 years younger than his actual age (ex googled him and asked when I started dating younger men - New Guy is three years older than Ex),

Ex: Looks at me with longing and says nothing, but makes jokes about everything - nothing is off limits. New Guy: Looks at me with longing, says beautiful things to me, tells me his dreams.

Ex: Made me cry all the time. New Guy: Made me cry once...when he told me how amazing I am. That's when he was hooked....his mother cried when his father kissed her for the first time, an event he drew in one of his published books.

Ex: Has one close friend. New Guy: Has hundreds of friends, thousands of fans, and me.

Ex: Never wanted a photograph of me, not even at our wedding or when our children were born - he had more photos of a woman he dated for 8 months prior to our meeting than in our more than 25 years together. New Guy: Draws pictures of me.

Ex: Says "I want you to be happy", but made sure I wasn't. New Guy: Asks what will make me happy, then takes the steps necessary to make it so.

Ex: Threw the beauty of the woman of a thousand pictures up in my face and made sure I felt ugly in comparison then tried to get back with her (turns out she'll soon be married for the fourth time, so he was too late). New Guy: Said my ex was a fool to ever risk losing me and that he'd never find another woman half as good as me - there aren't any.

Ex: Says he believes he'll fall in love again. New Guy: Says he is in love and when I said I wouldn't get married again replied with "we'll see. Never say never." (He's never been married.)

Ex: Says he doesn't like the new guy being FB friends with our 18 year old daughter. New Guy: Drew a special ink drawing for her FB page...daughter won't take friend requests from parents, but artist her friends know and love is very, very cool.

Ex: Insults me when he's angry. New Guy: Says "shut up" when I tell him he's apologized enough for something he did because he's not done.

Ex: Couldn't cook or clean. New Guy: Cooks like a top chef.

Ex: Steps over the homeless. New Guy: Cried with me when I said I needed to take a blanket to my "neighbor without a roof" because I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing he was cold on the sidewalk.

 

So, yeah, it's entirely possible to find new and improved love, even in after 40.

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With all due respect, AutumnBorn, your ex doesn't sound like much of a catch. Seems a little too neurotic and unstable. However, I do appreciate your honesty and want to congratulate you on finding a winner!

 

I'm still in the phase of this threads title with my ex. I just feel she was the whole package and wonder if I over achieved when I landed and kept her for 4.5 years.

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  • 1 month later...

A month later and I still feel this way, in fact it may have intensified. I feel that I overachieved, or caught my ex at a vulnerable time in her life. I feel that when she moved away for school, gained HER OWN friends, style and got attention from males it was game over for us (although reason for breakup was no end in sight to long distance.)

 

Like I said earlier in this thread, she was the whole package - rational, fit, practical, attractive, hard working, etc. Since the breakup 16 weeks ago I have had minimal attention from females (save for some greasy dance floor makeouts) which makes me feel stronger about her. Just today a lady at work was talking about my ex in such high regard, it made me ill.

 

That's my rant, anyone have anything worthwhile to add?

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Nothing to add except that I can really relate to what you're going through... I just think it will take a lot of time and an incredible amount of luck to find someone with whom you click as much, not to mention willing and able to get into a relationship with you!.

I'm a little bit ahead down the road than you and although I compare my ex to the girls I meet, I try not to think too much about when I can finally meet someone 'good'. I just have to be patient, up my game, meet new people whenever I can and practice your conversation skills/undertanding of women. Eventually I'll find someone and you'll have much more to offer by then.

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It's not that I'm a hurting dude. I have a good job, strong social network (every weekend here until January 15th is booked), decent looking, great dresser. I just feel that most aspects of my life are... average. Nothing stands out as either terrible or exciting, just... average.

 

It's a tough situation: the girls that are interested in me I have no interest in them. The ones that I'm interested in are high maintenance and/or want a gem of a dude.

 

Vaglar - Incredible amount of luck, eh? Not much to bank on there. What does "up my game" mean to you?

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Hi GF, you might remember me, we had similar stories...

I also thought the way you currently do - that I'd never meet anyone I'd get along with in the same way. Then I met the guy I'm with now. When I met him I had no intentions of getting into a relationship at all. I met him when I was out with a group of friends and we basically just made each other laugh. I liked him. He liked me. We decided to meet up again "just for fun" with no plans to be boyfriend and girlfriend. We got to know each other and I realised that thinking we can NEVER meet anyone who'll match up to our ex's is balderdash! He's very different to my ex, but has his own set of really brilliant qualities. He also makes me feel like I matter to him - which my ex didn't do towards the end of our relationship - maybe that had something to do with the fact that he had decided to travel around the world indefinitely without me

Anyway...all I'll say is keep an open mind! There's someone out there who doesn't match your ex but matches YOU.

Good luck.

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