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Thread: "I'll Never Find Anyone As Good!"

  1. #1
    Silver Member Goodfellas's Avatar
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    "I'll Never Find Anyone As Good!"

    I'm sure this is a common statement when healing from a break up. I know I've caught myself saying it on multiple occasions in the 10 weeks since we broke up after 4.5 years. I keep comparing women to my ex. Buddies will attempt to set me up, I'll get some info on the potential girl and instantly compare her qualities against my ex's. I'll spot a women at the bar or in the mall and immediately compare them to her. Then I find myself reminiscing about my ex's great characteristics and what not.

    I'm seeking success stories from ENAers who felt they'd never find anyone as good but as time went on they did.

    Now I know 'good' or 'better' are subjective terms, so maybe we can use the words 'compatible' or 'better fit for me' as opposed to using comparison words.

    Thanks, I really enjoy coming here for success stories and hope to get a few from this thread.

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    First off, you are only 10 weeks out of a 4 and a half year relationship. Thats nothing. I know it probably feels like a long time, but its nothing. Its only natural that you would compare and feel that way.

    Anyways, its been over 2 years since my breakup, closing in on 26 months. I felt the same way at first. I knew my ex was bad news, but I always thought I would never find anyone I would click with like that, or that I could just have that kind of relationship with.

    Well, I got together with my current girlfriend 7 months after the breakup. Truth be told, it was probably too soon. We had some issues at first, but as time went on, we have gotten closer and closer. And the truth is, she actually is better than my ex. To start with, she doesnt cheat on me. I trust her. I didnt trust my ex for most of the nearly 7 years we were together because she was a cheater. My family and friends all like my current girlfriend, none of them liked my ex. We get along great and just enjoy each others company.

    I still think of my ex from time to time, and yes there are things about that relationship that I miss. But Its been a long long time since I have thought of my ex that way or pined over her. I have someone better in my life who makes me happy. I never thought I would come this far after the end of that relationship, but here I am.

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    Why did you break up?

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    IMO it's all about your attitude. There always is and will be someone out there just as compatible, just as 'right' for you as the person you dated previously. But, you can sit there and refuse to acknowledge that because you had grown so accustomed and comfortable with the person you were dating that you could never see yourself getting as close to anyone else (when in reality...what would be stopping you from getting that close to someone else is the fact that you don't think you could ever). You build up a wall to new experiences and new people because you don't want to let go of the person and there was nothing wrong with them (I would say generally the dumpee is the one that thinks this way). It personally took me about a year before I came to this realization.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Mesemene's Avatar
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    I can say definitively my current husband is way more compatible with me than my ex, and my ex-ex. That's not to say we don't have our differences - but they're not the same - and our communication is FAR better than in any of my previous relationships. That's one thing that's made a huge difference, communication.

    He also speaks my "emotional language." He values the little things I do for him, the little touches, and values some individuality and space even though we're very very close. That was something I missed in my previous relationships.

    So it's a combination - even though both of the endings of my previous LTRs were painful - I learned a lot about myself and my own needs, and a lot about what wasn't being met - because until those needs were met for the first time, I didn't even realize it wasn't a flaw in me, just something that wasn't really compatible with my exes. Those experiences prepared me to recognize when something better DID come along, and jump at it with arms wide open (and a quaking, nervous heart I should add!)

    Hope that makes sense!

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    Silver Member Goodfellas's Avatar
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    Mustachio - Thanks for the reality check that I'm not that deep into my recovery yet and about your story. My ex-ex sounded like your ex, and your current sounds like my ex (do you follow? haha) I made such a huge upgrade from ex-ex to ex i just don't see that happening again.

    Hollyj - We had been long distance for 2 years with no definitive end date in sight. Her job took her elsewhere and my future studies would keep us apart indefinitely.

    AJEDrew7 - Thanks for the insight on me putting up barriers, I totally get what you're saying. It's a defense mechanism to avoid pain and hurt again.

    Mesemene - Yes, it does make sense! I love that line about learning through painful break ups, like AJEDrew7's comments, I really see what you're getting at. I now know what to look for, and more importantly, what to avoid.

    My main issue is my ex was beautiful, intelligent, rational, physically in shape, educated and I'm finding it difficult to find all these qualities packaged into a non-high-maintenance female. But going back to Mustachio's comment, I am early in recovery.

    Thanks again everyone!

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    Silver Member Goodfellas's Avatar
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    Anyone else have something to add?

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    Well, I'm afraid I can't add anything positive - but I will watch the thread with interest.

    I just broke up with a girl and genuinely believe I won't meet someone I click with like that again. Call me naive, but I spent last year on an MA course with about 100 girls from all around the world (many of them super-attractive). A few of them hit on me (it was a great guy ratio!) and not a single one came close in terms of chemistry or attraction - even if they were better for me 'on paper'. I didn't for a second consider cheating on my ex. I am now doing a job where I am living kinda in the middle of nowhere, most of my co-workers are engaged or married and I barely have time to get into the local city. My odds are considerably worse than last year - and even then, surrounded by women, I didn't find any of them as compelling, beautiful or fun as my ex.

    So... yeah. Not a cheerful assessment, but I think it's realistic unfortunately.

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    I am a little over 6 months out of a breakup. I was with my ex for almost 3 years and was comfortable. I was thinking about marriage, I thought she was too, then she left me for another guy. It was terrible. I went through some very tough times but am over it now. I realize it was for the best and I am happier than I have been in long time. You too will get to this point.

    In the beginning I did the same as you. Did not think I could find anyone better, compared all women to my ex, etc. As I progressed, things changed. As I moved further from my ex and thought about her less and less, I began to get back my "old self". Again, you will too.

    "Better" is a difficult concept to qualify. You can't compare other women to your ex because they are all different. Positives and negatives come with each. It's all about what makes you happy. I have found a new girl. Better? Too early to tell, but I sure am enjoying things.

    I met her when I was least expecting it, at my alma mater's football game in early September. Things clicked. We talked all night, oblivious to everything else. We were very attracted to each other. I knew I had to pursue this so I got her number, called her a few days later, and set up a date for the following weekend. Killed the first date and we have been going strong ever since. Things are great.

    Back to the subject at hand. Is she better than my ex? Right now I think she may be. She is younger and hotter than my ex, which is nice. She is also more intelligent than my ex (she's an environmental scientist!). We have alot of fun together and enjoy similar activities, e.g. live music, good food, nature, etc. However, the one thing missing is a deep connection. This is to be expected at such an early point in our relationship and is only built over time. This, for me, is essential to any relationship and will be the key in determining "better."

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    Goodfellas, yea I see how you say that. So your ex was way "better" than your ex-ex so you wonder how you could find someone better. Well as you said, better might not be the correct word. But when you find someone that you click with and everything is right, she doesnt so much have to be "better" but she will be better for you, and it will actually work. Thats how. Youll be fine, but again, I know what it was like after only 2 and a half months, I was still in pain and I bet you are too. Give it time.

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