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I don't understand the whole having kids thing


Princess123

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I really don't get why people would want to have kids. I just don't understand that concept or maybe I do but then I think why bring them into a certain life style?

 

I know most aren't planned and people decide to make a family from there. I wonder if those people ever wanted kids in the first place? Or do some people not ever want kids but end up with them? Well I must of seen that a lot with parents screaming at their kids in the store to shut up.

 

I see how there are multimillionaires or billionaires... or even six figure incomes... who have a few kids in this big house, indoor basketball court, air hockey in another room, and just an extravagant house overall. They can give their kids everything they want and more. They can afford to have a few kids. Do the whole family vacations and not struggle.

 

There are ones where they have a house or apartment big enough for all the kids to have their own rooms, they get by, but its not everything they could possibly offer their kids.

 

Then there is the 3 kids sharing one room or split between two rooms because the mom sleeps in the living room so they could have their own room. She works two jobs and there isn't a dad around.

 

Then there are the barely getting by people who are struggling and having to feed their kids egg sandwiches every day because that is all they can afford. The kids don't ever get new clothes.

 

Seeing people who can't even afford a place with a washing machine and has about 2 kids and one on the way at a laundry mat. Also has a broke down beat up car. You really know their washing machine isn't broken and they probably don't live in the nicest place. It's essentially having a kid to raise them in the projects. WHY?

 

I know it all sounds like I'm speculating but I've seen every circumstance that I'm saying. I just don't know why someone would have a kid if your not in the best situation.

 

Why do people do this??? Why have a kid and put yourself in a financial struggle? Why bring a kid into a world where he/she can't be raised having everything possible. Not entirely everything because as most think they wouldn't learn good values. Of course with limits. But I mean someone who has to keep saying no to their kids because money is always tight. Saying "sorry kid you can't go on that vacation with your friends, or to that summer camp with them this year..."

 

I think I don't want kids because I don't want to be responsible for someone else or bring up a kid unless they could have everything like I did. I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks that way... I'm sure there are others. Do I have a screw lose in my head because there is no way I'd ever want kids?? I never had that maternal instinct. I don't like being around kids.

 

I'm not trying to judge and I know not everyone has this "perfect" family because there is no such thing. The whole idea of someone having a kid or adding a kid to a home where everything is not financially great... why?

 

There are a lot of families who live in the decent neighborhood in a 3 bedroom house but who are you kidding they are probably struggling with money, and I think having a kid adds to that.

 

YES I have heard of the positive things people think there are to having kids and how it's natural etc.

 

Just wonder if I'm completely out of my mind.

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There's nothing wrong with not wanting children.

 

But - it doesn't have much to do with the material beyond if you can provide the essentials, love, and care.

 

Most people don't have everything they want - and children, honestly, are no different. You're raising your children, hopefully, to be productive members of a real world. Part of that is NOT giving them everything they want, and teaching them that effort is rewarded.

 

Sadly, there are plenty of kids born to parents with tons of money, and who look on them more as a status symbol or continuation of them than as people who need love and care - if more took the time to think things through, psychologists would have a lot less work...

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I hear people say oh that maternal instinct is going to kick in. I'm like I don't even like PETS. I don't even want to responsible for that ever so why would I want a kid?

 

I feel so negative saying this... I feel like a hateful person who doesn't even want animals. I just like the thought of being free.

 

I see my life as traveling, being happy, and then one day owning a bed and breakfast in Ireland or somewhere tropical or in the mountains. I don't see the need or want to have kids in my life at all.

 

Yes mes, there are rich people who depend on nannies to take care of their kids full time. I was raised in a good home and had everything I wanted. I'm not spoiled and I still see the value in working hard. It is all about how you raise your kids money or not.

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I hear people say oh that maternal instinct is going to kick in. I'm like I don't even like PETS. I don't even want to responsible for that ever so why would I want a kid?

 

I feel so negative saying this... I feel like a hateful person who doesn't even want animals. I just like the thought of being free.

 

I see my life as traveling, being happy, and then one day owning a bed and breakfast in Ireland or somewhere tropical or in the mountains. I don't see the need or want to have kids in my life at all.

 

My sister feels the same way! So your not alone. But I on the other hand, want to have a family some day lol

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That's fine, you don't have to want kids. Even better, it's best that only those who really want kids, actually have kids. But seriously, you don't need to be a millionaire to raise a kid. Raising a family is not about material things, outside the basic necessities (a roof over the head, a hygienic home, proper food, clothing and education), which are far less than what you describe.

 

Not wanting kids or not feeling a maternal instinct has nothing to do with not being able to love either. It's just that most people do want kids (call it a natural urge to see their genes in a new generation?), and hence don't understand that some people simply don't. You don't need to defend yourself, just like I don't have to defend myself that I do have a desire to raise a family (despite of the fact that I do not meet the standards of a millionaire ).

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i am 39 right now and i also never wanted and never will want to have children, even though i have met the love of my life, didn't change those feelings, i have never had a maternal instict whatsoever and i have no feelings at all if i see children....i wouldn't want the responsibility either, don't think i would be a good mom cause kids mostly just annoy me, and i see it changing relationships as well, fighting over how to raise them, see tired moms screaming at their kids in the supermarket and i too ask myself, why would anyone want that? i like my life as it is, like my house neat and clean...i would not be good at it either and lots of people told me i would surely change my mind, well i have not and will not.....so you are not alone in that!

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Dylan... see my sister wants kids... so I figured I can be the cool aunt and when her kids start getting on my nerves and out of control? I hand them back! Although I do have a big family and I don't want to be around ANYONE'S kids. So who knows.

 

Flying piglet, that makes me feel better to know your 35 and still haven't had a moment! Is it hard to date?

 

No you don't need to be a millionaire but I see it as you are able to do a lot more THINGS with your family. Most people I don't think go on vacations with their kids regularly and I think that is an added experience.

 

sara- EXACTLY! exactly! exactly!!! That is how I feel that they annoy me and I don't react when I see them. I don't have that lovey dovey need to want to be pregnant and have a kid. I could not see myself pregnant. No way.

 

Thanks everyone. It's really great to know especially from females that I'm not the only one thinking this way!

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I don't think one needs to be wealthy to give a child everything. My child learned a great deal last night by playing with 5 empty shopping bags for about 20 minutes- communication, math (counting), and had a great time running back and forth with the bags to each of his adoring parents -he also was very proud of his accomplishments with his "project" (i.e. play is the business of childhood). Every morning he marvels at all he sees during our walk outside on the local jogging path - he has a great time -and many other experiences during his day fill him with glee and excitement just as if we took him to Disney World. In fact, better than Disney because it's not overwhelming and he can repeat those same experiences whenever he likes. That's what's so wonderful -for children and adults -being able to get joy, inspiration and learning out of free or very inexpensive activities. I also think being wealthy runs the risk, in some families at least, of not teaching the child to be happy with less or not "everything" at all times. But I don't want to pass judgment on wealthy people!

 

Do kids a favor and please don't have kids - use your money any way you like. But please don't judge how I choose to spend my money. I feel like the richest woman in the world as a full time mommy.

 

I will add that I think travel, good schools/education, of course lots of nutritious food and interesting experiences are really important but I think you are going to extremes to rationalize why it's ok that you don't want kids and in the process you are coming accross as judgmental. I think it's fine that you don't want kids and even better that you know you don't and therefore won't subject a child to a parent who doesn't want the experience. That's why you can't give a child everything -because you can't give the child the kind of attention,time and love he or she needs- it's such a difficult, time consuming job I can't imagine someone who really didn't want children or was ambivalent about it being able to give a child even half of everything. I can imagine someone who is struggling financially but wants to give a child his or her everything, accomplishing that and the child feeling loved and cared for without all the material things.

 

Most of my friends, just like me, really wanted children and we tried really hard to get pregnant -not unplanned.

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Flying piglet, that makes me feel better to know your 35 and still haven't had a moment! Is it hard to date?

 

Hard to date as in cos guys in my age range often have kids???

 

If that is what you mean then for me, its not an issue really.

 

My last LTR had two kids but they were at the toddler and older stage (2 and 4) so I didn't have too much of a problem. Plus he often took them out for the day when he had contact. It did however probably cause problems when we moved in together as in my opinion there was a real lack of discipline, probably due to him wanting to play the good guy.

 

I'm not apposed to meeting someone with children, partially because there would be potentially less pressure on me to provide the guy with children.

Also because, I can't help but think that when I'm older, I will probably want to be a grandma lol

 

But I'm talking age 2 plus.... I couldn't look after a baby

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I understand what you're saying about the irresponsible people having children FAR before they can support them financially, BUT if our caveman progenitors waited for the right time to have kids, our species would be extinct.

 

One's children should have all of what they need and some of what they want. Children who have all of what they want wind up screwed up adults anyway. I'm waiting to find the right partner to breed w/. I don't want to have a broken home for the childhood of my kids.

 

Us responsible people need to breed the next generation to lead the irresponsible & unintelligent.

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You don't want a child then you don't want one.

Don't let anyone elses opinion make you feel bad for not having a child.

Even your own family.

 

I have said in a previous thread based around this topic.

 

Just because you have the parts to make a baby, it doesn't mean you have to use them.

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Agree with the In the Dark. Just don't have them.

 

I'm in the same boat as you - I just don't want them. I've also been blessed with being infertile (my ovaries don't work) so I feel like I don't have to explain myself to people ("I'm infertile! I can't have kids! IVF is too expensive!") because some people can get pretty weird when you tell them WHY you don't actually want them (don't like kids, desire for more money, travel, other ways to spend my time and give back to the world).

 

I know your husband is pressuring you. Please don't give in. If you have a child and don't want it, you will REGRET IT FOREVER. Stick to your guns. He can leave and breed with someone else if he wants to and that's his choice. But definitely, definitely, definitely don't give in and have a child just to please a man or other people. That's probably one of the worst mistakes you could ever make.

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I don't think you are wrong in that you don't want children. I don't think I'm wrong in that I want children. I know from working in daycare that they are a big responsibility. I love children. You don't seem to like them all that much. I don't have a problem with people not liking children, however, it does piss me off when they are mean to them on purpose. I don't think you one of those people.

 

I think it is good that you know that you don't want children before you have had one. It makes it easier for you to take step not to get pregnant. I know a lot of people who are like you.

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The main issue here is that people aren't careful enough with birth-control. That leads to a lot of unwanted pregnancies. Sadly, I know quite a few people who struggled to afford one or two kids, and then proceeded to have a bunch more.

 

50% of ALL pregnancies are unintended. True fact.

 

In this day and age, I find this completely unacceptable. People either need to step and be more diligent about taking the Pill or using other trusted forms of protection. Cost is no longer an excuse, because you can get these methods for very little or no cost at many clinics.

 

I love the whole "I'm pregnant because I can't afford condoms/cervical caps/pills." Well if you can't afford a rubber once in a while, good luck affording a baby. It's not like abortion is always cheap either.

 

I really don't see what's so hard about putting on a rubber or remembering to take a pill.

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I wonder if that percentage includes people who generally want to be pregnant (or want the partner to be pregnant) but perhaps it happened a little earlier than they expected or the birth control failed. I'm not sure where that statistic is from -seems very high. I suppose it also includes rape.

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It says for the United States that it's about half of all pregnancies. I know it seems high. I do think that most of these pregnancies probably happen within couples who intended to have children anyway (perhaps one or both subconsciously want the child NOW) and then, well, they may not be as careful with birth control as a result and it happens.

 

My parents actively tried for years to have me (I was so sought after, lol) but I know many of my friends were "oopsies" to their parents, but it occurred within marriage, money wasn't a problem, they wanted a kid sometime, so it wasn't really a big deal, you know?

 

I think there is a big difference between "unintended pregnancy" and "unWANTED pregnancy". Big big difference.

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I think there is a big difference between "unintended pregnancy" and "unWANTED pregnancy". Big big difference.

 

That was me x2 ;-) Both of my pregnancies were "unintended" both neither were unwanted. Timing hasn't been ideal for me, but we did want children at some point, so it was kind of like, "okay, ready or not!"

 

OP- There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting children. They ARE a huge lifestyle change (for most) and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to change your lifestyle. I think it is is great that you can recognize this and decide that it's just not for you before exploring these ideas when you are already pregnant.

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