journeynow Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 What are your thoughts on hearing this from, or saying this to, an ex? Has it been true in the long run? If so, how? If not, why? Link to comment
shuttlefish Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 If you bring it up later, it is usually followed by "well, that is how I felt at the time" I take everything an ex says with suspicion. It is not malice, I know that, but it is wishful thinking (or perhaps naive thinking better). Everything is "awesome" with the ex until the ex finds someone new. The new person is usually not so happy with too much association with the ex...and so it goes. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 It's a nice thing to say, but it means nothing. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Totally meaningless. I'm sure someone will come on and say "But in my case they meant it." But in 99.99% of the cases it's just something people say to soften the blow. Link to comment
elastic Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 It's a nice thing to say, but it means nothing. File it with "you're my bestfriend" and "I still love you." Link to comment
arwen Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I always read that as "but not in the way that you want" or "in case you want sex with no strings attached". Both applied to one ex that said this every time we broke up (it took us 3 times to break up). Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Will they be there for you in 6 months time??? I DOUBT IT!!! So no, I don't think much of this saying. Link to comment
Robin2904 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 My ex has always said this to me, even after the break up. If I called him up right now he probably would say it to me too....which I feel is pretty crappy. Sometimes it hurts me more that he tells me things like this....that he'll 'Always be there for me if I need him' and he 'loves me no matter what' -that's his FAVORITE line! But it's like WHY in the world would you say these things to an ex?? Especially when he had a girlfriend! It actually hurts me more then to just not say anything at all. It's misleading. I honestly think the poor fool really does believe these things....which probably makes it all worse. Link to comment
Triplell Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 "I'm just saying this as to not feel so guilty" Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I'm sure some folks mean it and would be there if something came up. Others I'm sure mean it in the moment but that moment fades as soon as you part, and if pressed would not be there for you. However I think most just say it because it sounds like something they should say to not seem cruel or uncaring. They just want to move on and hope you do as well. BU 101 stuff I suppose. Link to comment
octour Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Translation: Let me say something nice and give you hope before I turn my back on you for somebody else. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I had one ex say this and really mean it. Even years after we split, he would pick me up from the airport if I had no one else to do that, lend me money if I needed it, or just listen to my problems over coffee. He is a rare breed, though (we are still friends), most people don't mean a word of this. They just say it because it eases their conscience a little (nothing wrong with that imo, breaking up with someone is not a sin in my book). Just take it with a grain of salt until they prove they mean it. Link to comment
BlueRose66 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 God -- I JUST had this line used on my a week and a half ago... I just emailed back and explained that she had not been there for me, and it would have been easy for her to be but she wouldnt. Its clear to me that using this line is a way to ease guilt and not feel like the bad guy. The fact is, I had asked her to meet with me to give us both closure and she wouldnt. I also had explained to her about the loss of my job that I loved and all she could do was write me back with one sentence about my job. How is that being there for me? How is that being a friend that she wants to be??? In fact, I was so angry about being fed that line that I started a thread on it a week and a half ago. If she was really sincere about being there for me, she would have stepped up to the plate and been there for me in the relationship and even after to close things off in a manner that was mature, instead I get the BS line. What could she really do for me "being there for me" be a pet sitter? a handyman, the friend, the fwb, what exactly? What I needed was a partner, a lover who would have gone the distance with me. Would have and would be willing to seek couples counseling like I had asked, would have done communications skills training. If all those things would have been done and we still failed and she was to say that to me? well maybe I would actually believe it. Thanks, but no thanks! Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Thank you for all of the responses. I feel much the same, maybe it is meant well, and perhaps both parties feel better momentarily about the break when it's said, making them hopeful in different ways, it having a different meaning to each. Maybe it really means "Don't hate me." But it is basically unsubstantial. It seems the people who do show up and help in different ways (family and friends) are not the ones who've actually said this expression. I'm on friendly terms with my ex, but have learned not to take this line literally. Link to comment
BlueRose66 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 You know, I think my ex would be there for me if I called with a problem or emergency and I had said the same thing to her and really meant it. But without the stability of the relationship behind it, it just would bring more pain for me. I dont want a friendship from her. I want her to be my partner in life 100%.... so saying those things while maybe meant well is besides the point. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I had one ex say this and really mean it. Even years after we split, he would pick me up from the airport if I had no one else to do that, lend me money if I needed it, or just listen to my problems over coffee. He is a rare breed, though (we are still friends) I also have one ex (my ex college bf) who is similar to that. Even now, some 20 years after we split, both married to different people, and at opposite sides of the state, if I really needed help with something, he would do what he could. But I also agree with the sentiment that people like him are rare. Edited to add: There's also some responsibility on the other person's part as well - in that I'm not going to go running to him for help with every little thing that comes down the pike, either. When someone makes a statement like that to you, I believe you have a responsibility to not ask them for more than they are able to or likely to give. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 I'm on friendly terms with my ex, but have learned not to take this line literally. I meant to say, I "understand" not to take this line literally. It does not mean the same as it did when we were together, when I did take it literally. When we first broke up it was a confusing and hurtful to hear, because it had lost it's meaning. Now I take it with a grain of salt, and see it as more symbolic of a peace offering. Link to comment
somethngwrng Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 "in case you want sex with no strings attached" Thanks for the giggle. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I said it to my ex and regardless of the fact that we aren't together anymore if she called me in a week and said "I need you I have nowhere else to turn" and it was in my power to do so I would be there. Shrug. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Actually even if she said, "I need you and I have nowhere else to turn: My boyfriend is out of town" I'd still be there...with no strings attached! Link to comment
Di84 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 It means absolutely nothing. Really what it means is "i am just saying this now to not feel so guilty for leaving you". Call them in a few months and see if they actually even care to pick up the phone, let alone "be there for you". It's all . Everything an ex says during the breakup are typical lines that make them feel better about the situation. Don't mean to be harsh but it's reality. People move on and let go of the past, especially the dumpers. So once you're in the past, why should they care to take care of you in their future when u dont belong there? Link to comment
dabears23 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I've said it to my ex and i was the one that was dumped.. I really will be there if she needs anything cuz i still care about her a lot.. heck just the other day she was super sick and i went and picked her up some medicine and a blizzard from dairy queen.. do i think me doing stuff like that for her will make her come back? idk maybe but it's not really about that to me.. we dated for 3 years so i will always care about her Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Actually I think it more comes down to the dumpee/other person it was said to being too prideful to actually take them up on it Link to comment
nycprincess Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 I've said that to both my ex's. One (my ex ex) actually deserved it. Its been about 2 years since we've broken up. Although there were periods when he hated me (when I started dating someone new) whenever he needed me, I was really there and truly cared (he was my first bf, 4 years together, basically grew up together lol and he's a sweety pie). I just got out of a relationship with a jerk, and every time the jerk would be mean to me or when he did horrible things, my first love was there to listen and tell me "trust me you can do better- you deserve better and you will be happy- keep your head up). He is very happy with his new gf- and I'm even happier for him. So we meant it when we said we would always care. Now as far as the jerk, he is a miserable lonely person, and although I stepped away from the relationship because he was just being plain cruel to me, I honestly would be there for him if he needed me. Yea maybe I love too much lol but I'm just a caring person. I help people. So in my closure letter to him i said "I'll always be there for you and I'll always care." I meant it. Link to comment
guest777 Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 He said he'd always be there for me. The last time I talked to him was when I was having major family issues. He didn't answer b/c he was in church at the moment, but he called me back as soon as he could. He helped me out. But I believe that being there for someone is being there when they didn't ask for the help. Where was he when I lost my gdad or did he ever call to check back up on me?! I believe if I ever needed him again he would be there. But I could be wrong considering of what I understand he's deleted me from his life. Link to comment
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