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Thread: When do the 'connecting' memories fade?

  1. #1
    lemsip
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    When do the 'connecting' memories fade?

    Quick post here. I'm definitely doing better than I was 3 months ago. In fact, there's no comparison. I'm fully functioning, eating, started going to the gym. It's been a tough ride but I'm getting there... I think.

    Have to say though that I'm still dreaming about her most nights. And even the simplest things will trigger memories. I guess I'm asking will these memories just fade out in time? They are constantly in the background eating away at me and I wish they'd go away.


    Eg. A random film comes on TV and my brain shoots back to when we watched it together like 3 years ago. It's a memory that wouldn't even have existed had we not broke up; folding some of my clothes and I get flashbacks of how she used to laugh at how I couldn't do it properly; a travel programme comes on TV about places we used to visit; even certain types of food are reminding me of her. The smallest, randomest things are triggering memories at the minute.

    I just wish seemingly everything didn't seem to have a connection with her.

    Can anyone else relate?

  2. #2
    Philabonia
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    Found that the old maxim "it takes half the time you were together to get over someone" to ring very true - 2 and half years for me, etc. etc., ended last June. I found myself in the same position, with everything being a trigger. I was a wreck until this past May, when I finally took the time to face down everything - I had become dependent on the pain, because it was all I had left to remind me of her.

    Though we all may have our reasons, and take different paths to getting over someone, the "half the time" reasoning seems to hold true. Short post, but its early here!

  3. #3
    vel2011
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    Though we all may have our reasons, and take different paths to getting over someone, the "half the time" reasoning seems to hold true. Short post, but its early here![/QUOTE]

    Do you think it takes similar time for the dumper, assuming they still love the person when they BU, there was no abuse, cheating, major factor for the BU - they just decided they didn't think the person was the 'one' and are too young to settle down?

  4. #4
    dabbledave
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    Connecting memories will probably take longer to go away (if ever) than the time it takes to heal from a break-up.

    I'm sure we all know the feeling when certain sounds, smells, flavours take us back in time -- all the way back to earliest childhood memories sometimes.

    I've no doubt that I will always associate my ex with her favourite food, favourite music, favourite perfumes, flowers etc etc.

    Cheers,

    DD

  5. #5
    Hastyhand
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    I told my girlfriend back in July about "the feeling" or the connection we had when we were together..that I want to rekindle it. I want to feel it again.

    She told me "Yea..I dont remember that feeling anymore..and I dont think that I even want to"
    Hearing those words hurt like hell.

    It even wasnt 4 weeks apart that time.
    I guess she lied or already back then had replaced me with that other guy.

  6. #6
    Flyingpiglet
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    I don't think that you ever entirely loose that connection. There will always be things that remind you of the past and the people in it.
    And yeah, you will probably make connections where there wouldn't be any if you were still together.
    But there will come a time when remembering isn't quite so painful, doesn't linger so long and is just what it is... A distant memory!


    Ever forwards

  7. #7
    tacs1895
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    It's takes a while, and I think it's true that probably they will always be there in some way. With older exes, I probably don't experience it that much, partly because of the time, and also partly because I guess I don't really encounter those things or situations that remind me of them so much any more. Whereas with my recent ex, I still have them a lot. (Not helped by the fact that I still see her regularly, so still experience some of those things first hand anyway!)

    I also noticed a really interesting psychological thing that happened after my relationship ended which is to do with this. Basically that I subconsciously lost the desire to do many things that would lead to me having those kind of connective memories or experiences. For example, before we split up, we had talked a lot about travelling to Brazil together, and had recently started learning Portuguese together. After we split up, I continued with the Portuguese, because I still wanted to learn for myself (I'd wanted to even before being with her) and because I would still like to go to Brazil someday. I did it very regularly, got really into it, did it nearly every day and made good progress, and it was one of the things that I used to help fill the time immediately after the break up. However, about four months after splitting up, I found out from her that she has made plans to go to Brazil herself. I was totally gutted to hear it. After that point, I almost completely "forgot" to practise my Portuguese. Without realising, I suddenly noticed that I hadn't done any Portuguese for a few weeks, after having been completely into the routine before. And since then, I've never got back into it properly. The bits of practice that I have done I've had to consciously "make" myself do. Even though it's something I wanted to do, my subconscious seemingly took over and protected me from the painful association.

    A similar thing happened with food. Cooking and eating was a big part of our relationship. She's an amazing cook, and I'm reasonable myself, so we'd enjoy cooking together or for each other, and we enjoyed eating together either at home or going out. Every now and then we'd save some money and splurge it on a huge meal at a Michelin starred restaurant. I remember at times when she was away or abroad, one of the things I'd miss was the experience of sharing a meal with her. Again, since breaking up, my attitude to food has subconsciously changed a lot. I'm not inspired to cook at home much at all, I just nibble, and I eat much better when I'm with friends who cook for me, or if we eat out together. I do still enjoy good food, but I don't have the kind of excitement or thrill that I used to get from it when I ate with her.

    There are a few other similar examples, like what music I listen to, or places I go, where I've subconsciously avoided things without intending to or realised it. I find it fascinating just from an abstract psychological perspective (particularly as I've been having therapy, and have also actually just started studying on an arts therapy course). I don't worry about it now, I trust that the time will come when I'm ready in myself to experience those things anew and rediscover my enjoyment of them.

  8. #8
    Danny77
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    Haha!
    This is a given LS,

    We all know about the connections and why you're asking if they go away is beyond me.
    You know they will fade!

    Every time Im in the kitchen I see her baking a cake and turning around to smile with icing on her cheek and saying, "baby! You scared me" coz I sneak up on her.....
    Ah, memories!

    Now for the reality check!
    You say every time you fold your clothes, watch travel programs, even eat certain foods, then you are reminded of her!
    B@llocks dude!
    It's that every time you expierence these things you remind yourself to remember to reminisce about her in a sad and longing way.
    This is nothing more than self torture but with the added bonus of being able to blame it on something else, like laundry? Haha.

    So now a cure?

    Well, recognize that you are allowing yourself to reminisce when these situations arise and deal with it there and then.
    Have a "hook", a line you say when you smell that fresh laundry and your mind starts to go back, say "b$llsh$t, I will not reminisce today! I have too many things to do, and can't afford the pain".
    Or, have a visual "hook" so whenever that travel doco comes on and you start to allow your stupid nostalgic side to think say NO, start to think of a bunch of naked chicks playing pool and having a water fight!

    I know it's crazy right,
    They'd totally f@ck up the pool table but thr point is, it is not this uncontrolable thing to have these painful thoughts.
    It is you, allowing yourself a quick torture session with an excuse because you smelt her perfume or saw her fav film.
    No no no, it's all you.

    Which btw is the best news yet!
    Coz, if it's all you then you can stop it.

    As for the dreams, well no wonder you're having dreams dude, you're planting them with all these day dreams about her.
    All this stuff gets logged and when you sleep, that's when the days thoughts come out to play.

    Find ur "hook".
    Save your sanity!

  9. #9
    lemsip
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    Thanks everyone. As Danny77 caught me out on, I don't really know why I asked, I know they'll fade. It's just annoying as f*ck! But good to hear other's stories as well, esp yours tacs, eye opening

    And D77, once again thank you - your posts always make me laugh. I like a post that has the words b*llocks, naked chicks and water fight in the same paragraph.

    As piglet says, ever forwards...

  10. #10
    beacon
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    Good stuff, Danny.

    It really is us that allow this suffering and it can be stopped. I know it has felt absolutely uncontrollable and WAY too intense at times, but it can be controlled and halted. I've been shutting down emotionally because I didn't want to feel what I didn't have to feel all along. The reason I have my name and avatar here is because I am searching for the light and I try to relish every bit of light and progression I come upon.

    Lemsip, embrace the connection and be thankful that you've had it and still do. It is not easy but I'm trying to turn WHAT IS PERCEIVED AS pain into what it actually is... a beautiful experience with someone who may or may not have deserved our love and may or may not have wanted our love, but we had the capacity to give it and will have that same opportunity again... if we only allow ourselves. As I stated in another post in the personal growth forum:

    Being an action sports enthusiast for most of my life, I at some point realized something about falling. You will definitely fall so learning how to fall is key. You must learn how to break the fall so afterward you will be able to get up and do it all over again.

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