Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 37

Thread: My Story and what I have learnt

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    76

    My Story and what I have learnt

    I have been reading this forum now non-stop for about two weeks. Like many other posters I wish I had found this forum earlier!!

    My story:
    Against all odds a 16 year old girl found a liking in me about 4 years ago. I was a bit worried about the age thing, but then eventually decided to take things really slow for about 6 months, of just going out partying and having fun. We clicked over the 6 months and we started dating more seriously eventually moving into a relationship.

    We were so in love for the first two years, constantly asking each other out of disbelief, do you feel any different since the first day, and the answer would always be that we are crazy over each other. (obviously this was an extended honeymoon phase!! ). At that point I was quite independent as I was living in my own apartment, had my own car etc. She was living with her parents, no car - quite dependent. During the first two years we spend A LOT of time together for a young couple. 3-4 days a week. Through all of that I still went out a lot with my friends and played in a band and just had general fun time. Studies were going great, love life was on a high, the band great fun. LIFE WAS GOOD!!

    Year 3:
    I started working in finance and she moved onto university-arts. We started having some ups and downs, but nothing that bothered me as I considered most of it small issues. Differences in opinions, different outlooks on certain things. But what we did seem to have was common morals. What I enjoyed about this time was the fact that I thought we can have differences, yet appreciate it. At least that was how I felt from my side. In hindsight, us being opposites in a lot of ways perhaps made her feel like we do not have a lot in common. During this year her parents started having some financial difficulty, coupled with the fact that she is quite an introvert, we started staying at home most of the time, spending time on fridays with her folks, which I had a wonderful relationship with. We went out with friends less frequently, and I think both of us started getting comfortable and lazy with the relationship. Both of us started believing that its always just more fun spending time in each other's company rather than going out with friends who we grew tired of over the last few years. That being said, she had very few friends, where i had too many to count. I just got sucked into this world, where its only the two of us and I ended up spending every night of the week with her practically living with her and the parents.
    I can say the parents LOVED it, as I was like a son to them. Every now and again I felt like I needed to break away a bit and go visit my mom. My ex always clinged on at this stage getting all depressed when I left her. (obviously this is where codependency kicked in). I tried to encourage her to go out with friends, but she was just never interested or just preferred staying at home. At the end of the year, I moved about 30 minutes drive away from her closer to my job. Meaning for a period of 3 months we only saw each other once or twice a week and she sometimes came and stayed with me for a couple of days. She had quite a bit of free time now in the week and she went out with a mutual guy friend. They had always been having light conversation once a year, but I thought always best to be cool about it as I trust her and she needs to handle it. At the end of the year, she went out with him a couple of nights, smoked and had fun (we quit smoking a year before that) till 3-4 in the mornings. On the weekend I came to pick her up from her holiday job and she was just crying in the car, saying that she's developed feelings for this guy, and that it is so strong she cannot keep it in. I discussed it with her, but NEVER pushed her. She stopped seeing him immediately and the communication was one way from his side. She showed me the emails and told me that the guy made the point that she is in such a serious relationship, she should be young and free and enjoying life. I kept making the point, do not live in the future, live for the now and as long as you feel happy about today and tomorrow, why quit the relationship? The other guy's emails became more and more persistent. He eventually was getting desperate and indirectly started proposing a relationship with him. This put her off as he just came out of another relationship. I even invited him over to chat about his relationship with my ex and I felt sorry for him as he looked really heart-broken. Little did I know. She eventually lost interest because of the way he was contradicting herself and she took a few days and she told me that she had made her decision. She had considered the future and a lot of other things, and she wanted to be with me. I was like great, we are the stronger for it. I immediately gave on my apartment as we both had the need to be close to each other during this time and moved back in with her and the parents. BIG ERROR on my behalf.

    Year 4:
    Thought year 3 was a tough year! Year 4 my car got stolen and the financial difficulty got worse for her parents. I started helping them a bit, a loan here and there, contributed to the food on the table. Both of us became completely dependent on her parents to drop us off at work/university and pick us up afterwards. We both became a little irritable with each other, again I felt it was just the times and that it will blow over as the situation was really tough at home and the parents were fighting a lot. I was helping her a lot with her project fees as I thought it was a tough situation and she needed all the help she could get. We basically navigated through the year and intimacy on her side started to decline and was sporadic at best.
    Close to the end of the year, she asked for space and asked me to move out as she was feeling really smothered. I moved out, was quite upset because I was planning on buying a car and I thought we would get the space we needed naturally once I was mobile again. I made minimal contact with her when she asked for space even though I was really upset as it felt like things were falling apart and that there was nothing I could do to keep us together. Week two of the "space" I started noticing her and "that other guy" on facebook all the time as well as our cell phone chat I could see both of them being online and offline at the exact same times, sometimes even 3 in the morning. I started losing faith in the situation rapidly and all the issues from the previous year that I swept underneath the carpet from the previous year when they had made contact surfaced inside of me. I did the unthinkable of going on her facebook and reading her messages. There it was, she had made a date to go and party with him (this had been the first time she had made contact with him since earlier the year). For me at this point, it was no coincidence anymore. I confronted her the next day about it and was quite angry. I then decided to go NC for 5 days and let us both cool off. Only when i re-initiated contact, she said we should get together as she thinks its time to break up. I was completely devastated at that point. Cried, pleaded, tried everything for a day but told her that I accept her decision. She kept explaining to me that the other guy is just a friend and that she did not leave me for him. She said this numerous times. Her reason for the breakup was that she just wants to be selfish for once and put her happiness 1st and that she wanted to explore life and that "she fell out of love" but that it might not mean that there is no future for us...In retrospect the worst way to break up!!!

    I went NC for two weeks after which I had met with her parents a few times and they were relaying info that she is not over me at all and she is so upset crying all the time. I received a message after two weeks saying that she feels like she's hurt me so much and that I will never be in it again, and that really hurts. I saw her shortly after that. She was just crying through the entire meeting (and I was quite okay at keeping it in). She told me im happy that you are ok, it feels like there is hope.

    Stupid me told her the next day via sms that Im committed to playing a role in her life, even if it be friendship for the time being. (probably said that because I thought she had no intentions with the other guy and that we would be able to rekindle). Then she went cold NC.

    2 Weeks later, I bump into her and that guy at my local shopping center. I phoned her, being really P*SSD off about it all and she just told me she can make her own decisions and she can look after herself. I asked her how many times she had seen him since we broke up and she said about 3 times... I was really upset at this stage but realized that there was nothing I could do. 2 days later, I asked her to please be honest with me and just lay the cards on the table, as I'd be hanging in there given the mixed signals she was sending. She confessed that she hooked up with him 2 weeks before that but that she put a stop to it as he is just a friend and she doesnt want a relationship now and she just wanted to see where all of this was going. (obviously unfinished business from before). This happened 3 days before our 4 year anniversary would have been. I was angry with her and told her that she had no more credibility in my eyes. She just kept on insisting that she is in a space where she wants hang with him and have fun but did not leave me for him, and if its meant to be for me and her it will be. She also mentioned that she had finally figured out her feelings for me, and that she cared and loved me, but she was never in love with me.funny. For me just such a big coincidence that he was the first person she had to hook up with so soon after we broke up, especially that he was ever present with her during our break-up. I felt quite disrespected and betrayed/deceived.
    I sent her a fairwell letter on our "would be 4 year anniversary" and went NC after that.

    Its been 16 days of NC. Her birthday was a couple of days ago. I didnt wish he, my mom did though and she replied to her.
    All I can say is, its amazing how quickly life can throw you a curve-ball.

    What I've learnt?
    NC! NC! NC! Its been 16 days, I still feel like I'm waking up from a bad dream, but I am working hard on improving myself, trying to take things from the last 4 years and learn lessons. Sometimes a bit tough to extract those reasons for the failure of the relationship. I keep getting to the fact that things got boring and 1-dimensional and she wanted to have some fun. The only she could have her fun was to let the relationship go and live life. And it seems this other guy is first on the list.

    The first couple of days I tried to think of how to get her back, but I've come to realize that what has broken between us, cannot be fixed in a month or three. She needs to grow up and mature. I'm hating the fact that I lost my 1st love/best friend, but she obviously thought it was ok to take the risk as she said so herself.

    My plan? NC NC NC. Even if she initiates, still there is nothing that I can say right now that will change the situation. Off course I love her, I somewhat understand what she is doing, but I do not want to be in a relationship with such a person so unsorted at this point. I plan to let her be and if I'm single in 4-5 years time, give her a call and see what she's upto and if there has been any growth. I have done this before, and learnt that there is nothing like 3-5 year NC. Its almost like everything is new, the old is left behind and every short-term-relationship-ex has been willing to give things a go after this period of NC. I just found them unattractive at that point and most of the time just cut them out of my life.

    Now is the time to get your own back, to whoever is struggling out there, I know how tough it is. But you gotta stay strong in NC. If they chuck some bread-crumbs leave it be. Unless they are actively looking to get you back and they state their intent. Do not even ask them what their intent is. you will look weak that you are still holding on. We are all worthy individuals that have been reduces to a weak state at this time. Stand up for yourself and do your own thing. Stop hating, let it all go. Get busy living life. Life has surprised me every time I got my own back. Its like positiveness is rewarded with positive things.

    Thanks for reading guys.

    I will keep this thread up to date with any changes and accomplishments during the next year or so.

  2. #2
    Silver Member The Man Who's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Scotland
    Age
    31
    Posts
    415
    Gender
    Male
    I wish that a lot of people here would go with this attitude. By far the best way to be - most of the time when a breakup occurs people try to get the wrong person back. Well done and I look forward to hearing how you progress

    If you want to, have a look at my thread in my signature, my story is a lot like yours. You may be able to relate to what I went through and what I've gained as well. Cheers

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    76
    Thanks man,
    I read your thread. So many similarities. Slightly different turn of events but the lesson is the same. Be cool with yourself and keep improving. And I mean truly cut off all avenues of contact. I had to cut her beloved family out as well. I even told her mom, that I'm taking some time for myself and its obviously not to be rude. They couldn't be more understanding.

    There is a bigger picture, and that is that we have our whole lives to live.
    At this point Im doing well as long as Im not seeing/hearing anything from her.

    Its just a pity that for the last two mornings on my way into work i got stuck on the national road behind "that" guy.
    Sometimes you have to try and see the humour in these things.

    And just go , oh * * * lol.

  4. #4
    Silver Member The Man Who's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Scotland
    Age
    31
    Posts
    415
    Gender
    Male
    It's quite scary how similar it is but as you say, same lesson is being learned at the end of it. By cutting off contact, all avenues of contact I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and it feels awesome. I'm the same as you in that my ex's family still speak to me but I've stopped texting them and instead of being drawn into a long conversation, I stop the convo's quite short now but remain cool and calm throughout.

    You have to have a laugh about it, it's the best way to look on it. Beats the alternative doesn't it?

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    76
    Some photos found their way on my facebook newsfeed (friend of friend of friend) of the "two of them" at a dress-up party. Made the mistake of looking at them. It sucked, unsubscribed from the friend of friend of friend. No more newsfeeds of the two of them hopefully.

    Also cut the extended family out at this point as it just keeps me back.

    On the positive side, had a fun night out with friends, pub hopping, some female interaction. Didnt ask any names. Doesnt matter at this point.
    Seeing a old high school sweetheart in 10 days who is joining me at a concert which I had bought two tickets for me and my latest ex back in the day we were still going out. I still think she is a gorgeous girl, but we have known each other for 16 years, dated 1 month when we were both 18 (and that didnt work out at all!!) but Im thinking of just having a girl friend around me, who'm i respect and I can just have a good time with. And offcourse I am not closed to it developing into anything either, but that is not the priority for now.

    A little bit of positivity after talking to some of my mates that went through this kindof thing as described in my 1st post. Basically they reminded me that what we had was significant, and even though they were the dumpers, they tend to remember the significant relationships more. All the ones that followed just put them on a path of self discovery. So all her words of invalidation at the end is starting to feel like just "words" and that something that happened over 4 years just cant be invalidated with a single sentence. Deep down I guess the thought of being replaced easily/that guy sitting at my spot at their dinner table sucks. but i guess it only sucks knowing it the first time. I have no idea how their relationship is progressing, except for the recent photos that made their way through. They looked like they were having fun. lets face it, you will only go to a dress-up if your prospect/girl wants to. So good for them. I have however realized that other than that I am progressing as long as I do not hear a word from her.

    Her friend (not in favor) who initiated the break-up process on her side by telling her that something has always been wrong with our relationship etc etc is reaching out to me, wanting to go for drinks. The way I see it is, trying to sooth her guilt trip as she was supposedly my friend as well. I politely replied that I wont make it, and when she asked how I was doing, the answer was "I have been good and really busy". Another unnecessary link cut out...

    Other than that have been making some great new mates, and going out with them. Feels like the circle is starting to get bigger again for the 1st time in 4 years.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    76
    Other things I've done for myself:

    Used the money I saved up for a holiday for me and my ex to buy:
    1. a ticket to go visit a friend (more like a brother) in Europe.
    2. Bought a brand new guitar
    3. In the process of selecting a dslr camera to buy and go for photography classes. (ties in nicely with the European trip)

    apologies for all the rubbish on here, but its best out with it

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Bay Area, CA
    Posts
    1,579
    Gender
    Male
    In order to justify screwing another guy so quickly after breaking up with you, girls tend to say, "I never really loved you" and that leaves them free to be * * * * ty and free, no guilt, no regret. It is part of their (our exes) healing process, lol.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Bay Area, CA
    Posts
    1,579
    Gender
    Male
    Oh yea, thanks for the story man, well written, sad, saw so many similarities in my story, very sad... My condolences... Good advice too. Keep strong bro.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member endy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    In mindfulness
    Posts
    2,121
    Gender
    Male
    First off sorry for the pain you are going through right now. You have the right attitude though. Your friends are right. You both are very young. Relationships that start early in age like this tend to not workout eventually. The issue is we learn from experience. She hasn't experienced anything but you and the relationship. Hopefully she will know that this is not healthy eventually and not rebound etc. Let it run it's course and work on you. Sometimes they actually do workout.

    A lot of people fail to see that in light of a breakup they are operating their life clearly on self preservation and not allowing their spiritual self to guide them anymore. Actually a lot of people totally operate out of self preservation all the time. What I would work on if I were you is learning to build attraction. There have been few here that actually take this time for their personal growth. That is your goal now. Your goal is to understand your higher "self".

    Experiences shape our life and are there for a reason. There is always a lot to be learned and it's good you are looking at it that way. This is a matter of timing and most likely the need to grow why your breakup occurred. There should be hopefully both growth for you and her through experience. Do not blame yourself for the breakup. Notice the things you could have done better and change them if you feel necessary.

    I haven't posted this website as I don't recommend anything until I read through it, and form my own opinions about the material. However, I am going to do it now. I may actually post a thread directly about it or add it to my book thread now. Check out this website. Read through the lessons, decide what you believe and what you don't believe.

    link removed

    Click on the lessons and read them in order. This information is vital to understand yourself better. You are going to notice and be able to forgive her a lot easier by reading this. You'll understand that she's just not there as far as experience goes for that relationship to workout. It's not your fault and should be seen as lessons that you can learn through experience. Once you wakeup to the information provided... you are going to be a bit amazed.

    It's confusing at first but read on, and you will understand.

    Remember that what people who jump relationships are doing is self preserving. It's physical flight or fight. They are fighting for their happiness... but looking to another for it to cut through the pain. This is temporary relief. The experience is meant to cause growth. It's meant to be learned from and looked at deeply. Not thrown inside and repressed. True happiness comes from within and is achieved by knowing and reawakening your spirit self. Something that is not done by a lot of people today. Know that you are on your way to develop this. Don't look down on her for what she did either. We were all there at one time or another. You will understand more of what I'm talking about once you read that.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    76
    Thanks Endy!
    You are so right. It is where you choose to focus that will determine the ultimate outcome. Pining wont get anyone anywhere. I've learnt that much. Its just to know where to put your focus, and then to focus!

    I am giving 3 of your suggested titles and this website, I noticed the link is broken and should be link removed

    Appreciate your comment.

    For me, I feel its about refining, and thats where all this literature will come in great! Unfortunately, my ex has little to refine. She is still discovering some of the most basic aspects of relationships.

    Although I am angry, that too will pass. I truly believe there is only one way to beat a situation, and that is to rise above it. These forums/books/websites start the process, and then determination and willingness gets you there in the end.

    I am not gonna lie and say I do not want my ex back, I just know its not the best solution. The best solution is to grow right now, so that helps a bit. The missing part is tough after such a long relationship, but what I can see is that, I probably would not have been inspired to look into myself this much if it wasnt for such a big event happening.

    Will keep you guys up to date and thanks again!

    By the way, I think the link is link removed

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •