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Thread: My Story and what I have learnt

  1. #21
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    I'm sorry to read about your ordeal NCMaster. Women like this ungrateful deceiver can be VERY cruel. We live in the era of selfishness, where partners in a relationship feel only a duty to themselves and not to maintaining the relationship itself. So, for these types of people, it becomes easy for them to move on when the infatuation stage is over. Do yourself a favor and shut her out of your life for good. Find someone worth your time.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Josh8
    I'm sorry to read about your ordeal NCMaster. Women like this ungrateful deceiver can be VERY cruel. We live in the era of selfishness, where partners in a relationship feel only a duty to themselves and not to maintaining the relationship itself. So, for these types of people, it becomes easy for them to move on when the infatuation stage is over. Do yourself a favor and shut her out of your life for good. Find someone worth your time.
    Hi Josh,

    Thanks for your reply, although I just don't see her as that. I genuinely just feel that this girl loves me, but is just not in-love with me. I think she has very natural feelings for a young girl and I do not hold this against her. Her actions might have been questionable at times, but it's worth considering her experience in life etc.

    When I was 20, I met a stunning girl. She was extremely attractive, smart and had a heart of gold, but it always felt that she was trying to lock me in for life. At the age of 20, things change too quickly and serious relationships are often considered an obstacle to finding your purpose and meaning. Only when I started working did I really start looking for stability.

    What I am saying is, that I grant her these feelings, as they are not unreasonable by any means, and the way I love her is that I do not want to oppose her process of individualization, I want to grant her that WITHOUT losing myself in the process.
    The way I am planning on achieving this is to keep in no-contact, detach myself from her, and move on with life.

    She has no reference or framework for relationship stages, and she is choosing not to listen to the theory of it all, but rather to go and find out for herself. I hope for her sake it works out for her.

    There is no reason for me to see my ex as a bad person, or put her higher than what she is. I just know that I love and care enough for her to let her go.
    Throughout our breakup, before I initiated NC, her mom was so confused as she said, it looks more like I broke up with her. She would apparently sit at the dining room table, and often just cry and spend the whole day in her room.
    I know this has been hard on her too, and without sounding egotistical, she really did give up a a brilliant prospect and friendship in the end.

    I think she is mourning the lost friendship that came with our relationship.

    So it just sucks, but the way I feel now, is that there is no one to blame here, just to embrace this opportunity. I feel like demonizing/idealizing her will just pro-long the agony and cause issues in my future relationships.

  3. #23
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    It's quite funny NC - your ex seems more or less the same as mine! It seems to me that it's coming down to immaturity(with relationships) and insecurity on both our exes behalfs. Not much you can do bar work on yourself as you said. You are going absolutely the right way about it though, I have no hard feelings for my ex and to be honest, I'm not even missing her or her family all that much.

    It's quite funny as my family have her painted as being young and naive, they are right but I don't hate her for it, I can understand that being in a serious relationship at 19 comes with a lot of pressure. I realise as well that she wants to go out, enjoy life, have fun and if she wants to do that without me then I have to let her go with grace and compassion. She may come back down the line, she may not but it won't matter to me as I'll of moved onto someone better

  4. #24
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    Thank you for your story! I enjoyed reading it. Seems like she will always have a special place in your heart despite the things she's done to you... If you don't mind me asking, how old were you when you first started dating her?

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by shl025
    Thank you for your story! I enjoyed reading it. Seems like she will always have a special place in your heart despite the things she's done to you... If you don't mind me asking, how old were you when you first started dating her?
    Absolutely yes. I will always have a special place for her. I will never try to replace her, I will rather try and find a new space for someone once my healing is done.
    I met her when she was 15, turning 16, I was 20. (I was very very reluctant to enter into a relationship with her, but she was more mature in some aspects than some of my previous girlfriends of the same age). We were friends for 6 months as she came out of a very one-sided relationship.

    Finally started dating seriously when she was 16, I was 21.

  7. #26
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    Noticed from my signature, 1 Month of NC

    Firstly I would like to thank all of you that read my story and shared your thoughts, It has really helped me in some way or another to deal with things.

    So what has changed 1-month into NC?
    I would start of by saying, the general focus. The general focus has shifted to my own well-being and happiness. Being in NC has helped me to take the sting out of the matter. As you guys saw, that I was one of the few people who actually got a response from my NC-letter. The letter took me from resentment to the process of forgiveness. Notice I say process.

    So on to other news

    I invited a girl-friend of mine to join me on a concert which I had bought tickets for myself and my ex like 3 months ago. She is a naturally beautiful lady, not sure if we have great chemistry, a person I value spending time with. I dated this girl for a month or two when I was 18, and we had just remained in contact ever since. I invited her to stay over at my house as it was too far for her to drive back after the show.

    Now let me tell you this, what a strange strange feeling having another girl in my personal space. I would not say good or bad, just a "funny" experience.

    This was the first time we saw each other in about 3 years as she was working overseas. The night started off a little awkward as I was trying very hard not to make it awkward. Conversation was difficult initially, but we quickly picked up. We walk into the concert venue, out of 60 000 people, I walk into my ex's best girl-friend and her guy. I introduced her to my friend and I could see the surprised look on her face. We politely moved on and I thought it went as smooth as it possibly could have gone. The night went on, grooved to the awesome music had (quite) a few drinks with my "date" for the evening. It was fun spending time with a girl my age. It was refreshing. Knocked off a few more at a club close to the venue and eventually called a cab home.

    She stayed over, I prepared the guest room for her and got to bed around 3am. Woke her up before work this morning (again weird seeing another girl waking up in my general space), and we parted ways. What a torture day at the office with a prominent hangover. But I was extremely satisfied that we had a great evening, I did nothing to lead her on, and neither did she. It was good fun and enjoyed it for what it was. Thought that's enough of someone in my space. Got a message on facebook when i got home, she had forgotten her cell phone at my home. There we go, 2nd meeting in so many days set up. Random.

    Was a very interesting experience overall. I saw that I am quite capable of spending time with someone else and enjoying it. It felt like I could do it more often.

    Again, all this info might seem boring to read through, but i'm appreciating the outlet it has provided me.

  8. #27
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    Good on you man! Nothing says your moving on more than going out partying and enjoying your life

  9. #28
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    Things are now progressing, perhaps too fast...

    It seems the weekends have become extremely eventful lately.


    [B]The Arrangement
    I had made an informal arrangement to meet up with the girl from my previous comment, mostly to give her cell phone back that she forgot at my home. She stays about a 30 minute drive away. There are some great clubs and pubs in the area as its mostly a "campus town". The arrangement stretched as far as "we'll bump into each other there" as its not too big of a place. I decided to take on the solo mission, feeling that whatever happens happens. Thought I'll bump into somebody I know there even though I finished my degree there 4 years ago and haven't been back there since.

    [B]Preparing for anything
    Packed some extra clothes, blankets and a tooth brush. Put my favorite tunes on and headed out. I made sure I looked my best for this night filled with uncertainty. Great


    Arrived in the town, and decided to head into a small pub on the main street. First pub, and I bump into a old time friend of mine. He was sitting with his girlfriend and 2 other ladies and a guy. Went straight to the bar and organised the load of them a shooter each. Within minutes he suggested I stay over at their place so there is no need to take the drive back. (great, as I was prepared to camp out in my car after a night out, as long as I wouldn't need to drive back over the limit).

    Pre-drinks and Pizzeria
    Myself and this one lady, very attractive, easy going girl started chatting immediately. Nothing really other than small talk.
    We left the pub, hit out to a pizzeria and the conversation evolved into deeper topics. I also started noticing her flirting a little, making comments like when I entered the pub she could immediately see I'm comfortable with myself, and easy going. Now these are normal things to say to people, but I could see she was intrigued. She had also mentioned that she just came back from another country and that her "long distance boyfriend" lives there. She had visited him for the last year. Shortly after she started asking me about my status, and I briefly explained to her that I had just come out of a 4 year relationship. Without going into any details as I felt it just wasn't appropriate. She started questioning me, wanting to know if I would take my ex back at this point and if I would look to move onto new relationships. My response was pretty much as I have stated in my previous posts, not at this time, and if I move onto somebody else, then no.

    At that point I could see she was hanging on every word I was saying. She let me know that her previous boyfriend went into a relationship with her not being over his ex and then dumped her to go back. I just felt that perhaps she was looking at me for answers from her previous experience from the point of view of the guy that has been dumped. She acted very surprised and was dishing out compliments because I was quite firm in my stance on taking my ex back and moving forward in pursuit of my own happiness. The conversation then quickly lead to the learning experience and all the good things that came from the breakup.

    Not long, and we were talking about politics, religion, books, everything. Again, not without her slipping a compliment in here and there. We finished up on the Pizzeria and the ladies decided to join us for some clubbing (changed their plans from studying for their master's exam to partying).

    Clubbing!
    We hit the club, I organised a few shooters and beers for everyone (its this new thing since the breakup, not good i know). Soon, my friend and I were dancing and the other two girls were sitting at the bar. I was enjoying the music and the party to the maximum with my old-time mate. Not so very long, and the two girls joined in on the dance floor. The one I had been chatting to the whole night, grabbed my hand and we just danced. She was grabbing my face, making quite a bit of contact through-out. Things got out of hand quite quickly as soon, we started dancing a little "too close" with a kiss on the face here and there as we tried to talk into each other's ears with the loud music. A lot of holding onto each other, flirting and fun times.

    Eventually we all went back to my buddy's place, where more wine was opened. Some more flirting and hugging, and suddenly, BOOM she snapped out of it. She insisted that she has to go home "NOW". I knew, things had gotten out of hand too quickly. She just left, no goodbyes nothing.

    Through all this time enjoying it with her, it became very very apparent, that I had suddenly become "that guy", from my relationship with my ex in a way. It really disturbed me that it had gotten to that so easily. All in a night. Now I was that guy that is probably gonna cause someone else hurt. This really sucked, even though she left, if she had stayed, I am not sure if I would have controlled myself. I might have, but I'm just not sure thinking back now. This morning when I woke up, I saw that we had added each other on facebook via blackberry somewhere in the night.

    This has been a bit of a wake-up call for me. I feel really bad about all of this, and I do not intend on making further contact with her.

    So, I never saw "the high-school sweetheart" whom i was supposed to meet, but rather I saw a role reversal of note, and perhaps a lesson learnt. I also thought about my situation, and figured I had the chance to be the better person by making a decision to cut contact with this girl immediately. In my situation, from my original story, the other guy persisted, and try to wangle himself into our lives.

    All and all I just feel really bad about this? Was it appropriate for me to have let things progress to that point?
    Maybe its appropriate to have a "time-out" from partying for the time being.
    Last edited by NCMaster; 10-30-2011 at 09:17 AM.

  10. #29
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    I'd still go out and enjoy myself mate but I'd maybe let things slowly progress with girls as you went from 1st gear to 5th rather quickly with that one. There's nothing stopping you going out, getting numbers etc but just don't try to rush into things as that's when it'll go t*ts up and you don't want that

  11. #30
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    [QUOTE=The Man Who;5049909]I'd still go out and enjoy myself mate but I'd maybe let things slowly progress with girls as you went from 1st gear to 5th rather quickly with that one. There's nothing stopping you going out, getting numbers etc but just don't try to rush into things as that's when it'll go t*ts up and you don't want that

    Yeah, guess you are right, historically I've always been one for letting things progress slowly...but this feeling of freedom my friend, is beginning to gain new meaning. Just not to step on toes and hurt feelings. Don't want to be that guy.

    Decided to take the weekend off, heading out to the mountains. Taking my guitar and a fishing rod. I hate fishing, but going fishing. And then, the weekend after that is going to be party on again.

    My ex's dad sent me a text yesterday saying: "Go [our football team we support]!" Not too difficult to figure that one out from the 5-3 result. Just responded: "[Name], 5 of them!".
    1st time reached out since the whole thing. It was nice, but didn't set me back. It was just cool.

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