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Boyfriend doesn't want me talking to the ex


Fudgie

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I just got word that my ex (B) is in the hospital. His heart is not pumping properly and he's on a bunch of blood thinners. Let's hope that he doesn't have a clot. I'm worried and saddened.

 

I'm too far away to visit but I'm definitely going to call him and see how he is.

 

I told my boyfriend this and about how I felt and he seems "iffy". Like he doesn't like it. He told me that he doesn't like, but I should "do what I have to do", but I definitely know that he's not happy about it. He says "But he's out of your life now and he probably has support...why are you worrying? It's out of your hands." But he's not flipping out or telling me NOT to call. He just tells me that he feels uncomfortable that I would be talking with an ex but he isn't going to force me to not talk.

 

For the record, my ex is 30+ years older than I am. I *really* don't think he's a threat to my current relationship. We were together for a long time and I would not mind having some contact with him, just to make sure he's all right and everything. He is largely alone and nearing his 60s and his health is poor. I think my situation is very different from others'. It's not like he's doing anything to undermine my current relationship.

 

I need some insight in how I should proceed here. Goal: I would like to have some occasional contact (phone, email) now and perhaps in the future with my ex. How can I get my boyfriend to ease up on this? What do I say? What do I do? I AM going to call B so I can make sure he's okay but I'd like to lessen the discomfort to my boyfriend and show him that he has nothing to worry about.

 

Background: my boyfriend and I were best friends for over 5 years prior to dating. He and I are peas in a pod. it's a new relationship but I'm very committed to him and want to make this work. I'm the first girl he's really "fallen in love" with and he lost his virginity to me, if that makes a difference. Do you think given all those factors, he is more prone to being worried about this?

 

I so far haven't had an issue with him on anything else. He's been great.

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I think this is a problem that can be relatively easily solved, especially given how the two of you are approaching it and the evident good will and communication between you. My best suggestions are some combination of the following (depending on what you have already done, plan to do, feel un/comfortable with, know will not suit your personalities, etc):

 

Neither of you are giving each other ultimatums, permission, or control in this matter (nor should you), but it may help facilitate his comfort level with your interest in contacting your ex to explain your thinking to him. Now, I mean this only as a show of consideration and with respect to your connection. In no way am I suggesting you need to explain yourself to him or anyone else. But if he is feeling nervous – Why is she so concerned? Is she still in love with him? Will his crisis send her running to him to care for him? - it may do not only him well to hear what you are thinking and why – I know him well and long enough to care what happens to him. I am a compassionate person. I would want such compassion if I were in my ex’s situation – but you, as well, just to check in with yourself as to why you are doing what you are doing and how you are feeling about what you are doing (lest taking on someone else’s crisis overburden you without warning).

 

Include your partner in the progress of your contact with your ex to avoid a case of we-fear-what-we-do-not-know/understand. Again, in no way am I expecting you to check in with your boyfriend about your communiqué with someone else, or violate your own expectation of privacy and respect, but it may serve to reassure him if he knows – They talked today, he updated her on his status, she inquired as to his prognosis… and here she and I are, as close as ever, having a completely normal night, she is not pining for him or shutting herself off to mull over thoughts of him as opposed to him wondering endlessly Did they talk today? Did he make her laugh/think/feel like she used to, and that’s why she wanted to cuddle so much tonight? and the like.

 

Include your partner in your thoughts and feelings about checking on and speaking with your ex, again, with the same respect to your independence and privacy, but in the hope of not having his worries and wonders run away with him.

 

Solicit your partner’s aid in your part of this contact, insomuch as you can without imposing on him (it is not his ex, after all) – Do you mind if I talk to you about what I have learned about B’s condition? I have a few ideas of things to suggest to B to make him feel better about his situation, can I run them past you? Have you ever heard of this health problem or that complication? Can I ask if you think they are very likely to affect B, given this factor or that element? etc. If he feels as though he is some part of your interaction with your ex, and further, an important part of that interaction to you, he may be more receptive to your continued contact with your ex.

 

Thank your partner for his reasonableness and support. Of course, as a thinking, mature person, he is obligated to be reasonable and as a good partner, he should be supportive, but we can all usually be more appreciative of the things our partners do for us, especially when some aspect of it makes them uncomfortable or insecure. His knowing that you care about his opinion, value his input, and include him – at least to the degree that he is not decidedly excluded in these matters, may offer him some confidence and reassurance that your talking to your ex is not going to be anything he need worry about, or adversely affect your relationship.

 

Good luck to you in this and all things and I hope your ex is feeling better, swiftly.

 

Wager

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Thanks Wager. I will talk to him about it tonight.

 

guynextdoor, he's not cool with me being friends with exes. He has an ex (they dated for 2 years) but he stopped talking to her a long time ago (his choice). I'm not really in contact with any of my exes and I'm fine with this. My last ex, though, it's a bit of a different situation and at least for now, I think I should be okay to talk to him. I can understand most people's hesitations but my ex is so much older (now I've gotten into sex again and I LOVE IT) and I was the one who left him, my boyfriend, then friend, was there while I healed and now I'm okay.

 

I already planned on including my boyfriend in talking about my ex and his condition. That's not a problem for me at all.

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On July 22nd you wrote about how you had recently ended the relationship with B. It is only 3 months later and you already have a new boyfriend. Now, you may have known your current boyfriend for 5 years..but you didn't waste any time jumping into a relationship with him soon after ending it with your ex. No wonder your current bf is nervous. He knew you when you were heavily involved with B and then suddenly when that relationship ends, you are at loose ends so gravitate to your good friend of 5 years. How does he know you are not still harbouring feelings for B. I can understand that you want to support B...but the point is you made a choice to end the relationship and you made a choice to start a new one soon after before you had a chance to really process the last relationship and live your life as a single person for a while. Having made the choice to jump straight into a new relationship, it is not a good idea to be in touch with your ex at this point in time.

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I left B a bit earlier than that. I stayed away from ENA for a while so I could heal. I was a mess at the time and only came back to ENA once I could handle myself.

 

When I left B, I went NC. He has only contacted me once since then, I haven't done ANY contacting myself. I am definitely worried about his health though. I thought it would be okay to contact him on that grounds. I would like to show my boyfriend that I truly don't have feelings for him but I'm not sure how to do that. Have him listen in on the phone conversation? I actually would not have a problem with that but I think that's a bit extreme.

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What do you mean? Not talk to my ex in the hospital? Or just talk to my boyfriend about it?

 

I'm confused.

 

You already talked to your boyfriend about it. He is uncomfortable with the idea of you calling the ex. That should be a suficient enough answer as to his feelings about it and should dictate your decision about contacting or not. Instead, it seems as though you are trying to justify your decisiion to contact. I am aware of your past history with the ex (read the threads) I know your intentions are good and all, but...you really need to respect your boyfriends feelings. He simply is not keen about the idea of you calling the ex...chi

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Oh absolutely I am trying to justify my contacting him. I *want* to contact him. But I don't want to hide anything from my boyfriend or make him feel bad.

 

I don't know, I just didn't think it would be as big a deal. My ex and I had a sexless relationship for year and when I left him, it was very cut/dry. Things had failed for a while before with his depression, so I just told him "seek treatment", and he didn't, so I bailed. I saw very quickly that things weren't going to work out because he was "stuck", so I left and healed. It's not like there is this brooding sexual or romantic tension on either side.

 

I just wish I could get my boyfriend to see. I can't do this if he's feeling all sorts of uncomfortable. I can't do it.

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You already talked to your boyfriend about it. He is uncomfortable with the idea of you calling the ex. That should be a suficient enough answer as to his feelings about it and should dictate your decision about contacting or not. Instead, it seems as though you are trying to justify your decisiion to contact. I am aware of your past history with the ex (read the threads) I know your intentions are good and all, but...you really need to respect your boyfriends feelings. He simply is not keen about the idea of you calling the ex...chi

 

I could not disagree more. I think Fudgie did the right thing in letting her bf know that her ex was in the hospital and she was thinking of contacting him. Your boy friend/ girl friend's feelings about things should not dictate every decision you make in life. You must do the right thing whenever possible, and sometimes that upsets other people.

 

If I were in Fudgie's shoes, I would reach out to a recent ex who was in the hospital with heart problems. It must an extremely terrifying situation, and I think it would be good to let him know that you are thinking about him and sending ood thoughts his way.

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Oh absolutely I am trying to justify my contacting him. I *want* to contact him. But I don't want to hide anything from my boyfriend or make him feel bad.

 

I don't know, I just didn't think it would be as big a deal. My ex and I had a sexless relationship for year and when I left him, it was very cut/dry. Things had failed for a while before with his depression, so I just told him "seek treatment", and he didn't, so I bailed. I saw very quickly that things weren't going to work out because he was "stuck", so I left and healed. It's not like there is this brooding sexual or romantic tension on either side.

 

I just wish I could get my boyfriend to see. I can't do this if he's feeling all sorts of uncomfortable. I can't do it.

 

Yes, but relationships are not just about sex. Also, this is not just about one phone call to the ex to see if he is okay. You want to maintain contact with him from time to time. So this is not just a one shot deal when he is having a crisis. He was in crisis long before..when you ended the relationship and went into NC. He was in an emotional crisis..not quite the same as a physical crisis..but the bottom line is that his life had spiralled down and you ended things and went into NC. I can understand you wanting to show your support to him in his hour of need..but this will not be a one shot deal...and the longer you communicate with him the more sympathy you will feel and who knows what feelings that will dredge up. You took a break from ENA at the beginning of June and came back at the end of July to mention the break up which you said was "recently". So really, you actually hadn't been broken up for that long before you started dating your new bf. The way you are arguing and trying to rationalize calling and being in touch with B, it is clear you have unresolved feelings for him. Forget about the sex..this is about the companionship you had and which is hard to let go of after being with someone for a long period of time. Also, I seem to recall that your growing up life had been rough so this guy is almost like a father-figure to you as well. You have not properly dealt with all your emotions regarding this break up before jumping into the next relationship, and it is very clear from the way you are so hung up on calling him and wanting to be in contact from time to time despite knowing that your bf is uncomfortable about this.

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Well, I guess I shouldn't contact him then. So I will not.

 

One of his family members (nearby) was already set up to notify me of his death if/when it occurs, even though I left him. So if he dies, I will get word and then I can go to the funeral so i can say goodbye. I don't think my boyfriend can object to that because he will be gone. But for now, I'll just not say a thing.

 

B was like a father figure to me. A lot of that stuff is painful but I am moving on and I don't think about it. What happened, happened. I can't dwell. I have to move on. It's just a memory now.

 

I've decided I won't get in touch with him. Thanks for the help, guys.

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Well, I guess I shouldn't contact him then. So I will not.

 

One of his family members (nearby) was already set up to notify me of his death if/when it occurs, even though I left him. So if he dies, I will get word and then I can go to the funeral so i can say goodbye. I don't think my boyfriend can object to that because he will be gone. But for now, I'll just not say a thing.

 

B was like a father figure to me. A lot of that stuff is painful but I am moving on and I don't think about it. What happened, happened. I can't dwell. I have to move on. It's just a memory now.

 

I've decided I won't get in touch with him. Thanks for the help, guys.

 

I really believe that would be best. Let the past remain in the past...chi

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B was number one for me for a long time, but now someone else is first. I need to respect that.

 

I definitely miss him as a companion, but nothing more. I hope someday my boyfriend and I can be a little lke what I was with B. Very comfortable.

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Well it seems you already made a decision, yet I still want to share some thoughts as kind of food for thoughts for you.

 

Usually I have no qualms about being in touch with exes, some of my exes I still consider friends.

 

However, what struck me about your OP is the following: for a very long time you have been posting on ENA as the poster child for age gap relationships, that sex shouldn't be a defining part of a romantic long term relationship and thus gave a lot of people support about these out-of-the-average relationships. Now that you are in a different kind of relationship, you seem to be saying about your previous relationship that due to the age gap and due to the near absence of sex, people should not consider this as a 'true relationship'. It seems that you are using every straw to emotionally hold on to the ex, even by going to the extreme and trying to reinterpret it by claiming that it shouldn't be considered the same as other relationships, i.e. you are erasing everything that you ever said while you were in that relationship.

 

That is a huge sing (at least IMHO) that you are not being honest to yourself about your emotions about B. I am not saying that you necessarily want him back in some form, but definitely that there are a lot of unresolved emotions.

 

One way are another, you will have to work through those things so that they won't haunt you at a later point.

 

AS CAD said, considering how serious you were about B, you moved on awfully quickly.

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There is nothing to figure out here. He made his choice by choosing not to seek treatment. The only thing I can do is move on, which is what I've done.

 

It's very painful to see someone suffer and know that you can't do anything about it. I just wanted to move on and slowly forget, because things are easier that way. Until all of this happened with him being in the hospital, I had pushed B out of my mind almost completely and I wasn't thinking about him.

 

It is truly better for me if I just move on and not dwell, I know that.

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It's hard to go from such a long time with a companion to literally nothing.

 

I know I got into another relationship rather quickly, but I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time. I don't regret it now. N has been a great help to me, very supportive, lots of fun, lots of good times, and I know he's committed to me.

 

I hoped after I left B that he would find someone else, or at least start looking. I wanted him to be taken care of. He has not found anyone, to my knowledge. It makes me sick to think that I left him alone and now he's in the hospital. I feel like I really screwed up and it makes me sick. I try not to think about it.

 

I wish he would call me up right now and tell ms that he found some nice older woman his age who can love him and help take care of him and maybe, just maybe, inspire him to maybe get some help for that depression.

 

Man, I suck.

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I know! I know! I'm being stupid!

 

I've felt sick ever since I've heard him going into the hospital. I feel like this is my fault because I left a while ago and he was sad and I was sad and I just...I don't know.

 

I feel like maybe if I stayed just a while longer and helped him, then he wouldn't be there right now and this is still my fault.

 

I KNOW this is wrong and stupid thinking but I can't help it. >

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The fact he lost his virginity to you and you are the first person he's really fallen in love with has a lot to do with it, I'm sure. However, I take his side. I don't mean to be insensitive toward your ex. Given the 30 years difference, he's more of a man friend than a boy friend. I don't know. Maybe it's healthy to not shut everyone out of your life just because you've moved on romantically. Just the same, I think I tend to be somewhat of an "unhealthy" thinker. I think it best to not mingle your current life with your past life. Because someone is sick or on the verge of death, does it really make it ok to associate with them and perhaps jeopardize your relationship? That sounded really bad, I know.

 

Your boyfriend is probably really insecure and put off about this. I think most--if not all, current partners want their significant other to be completely indifferent to their ex. You wishing to call and check up on your ex is anything but indifferent. You care quite a bit about this man. I'm not sure the fact that he is aging and is sick is an excuse for you to occupy yourself with him. I really don't mean to sound mean or callous, but those are my thoughts.

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This is yet another post I have read on here from someone who keeps talking about how the other person loves them and wants them but there is no mention of that love being reciprocated. Moving on from a break up doesn't have to mean simply jumping to a new relationship. It means getting over the person and focusing on your own life for a while. You were lonely, feeling at loose ends and wanted to have the perks of being in a relationship again...here is your friend who was probably always interested in you...he made his move on you and you jumped at the chance...no fuss, no bother, not having the headache of looking all over again..here was someone who was conveniently available to take away all your loneliness and discomfort around being single again. Basically he is your rebound...and like most rebounds, you are now going through the complicated emotions of your mind still being with the ex while the body is with someone else. Your story is no different from any other rebound...the only difference is the circumstances in which your ex came back to haunt you. In many cases the ex comes sniffing around again and throws the rebounder through a loop...in your case you heard about his illness and that got you thinking about him again and now going through the complicated emotions which you smothered by jumping into a rebound.

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You gotta be ridiculously insecure to feel that your gf contacting an ex-bf with serious medical issues 30+ years your senior is "risky." Sorry, but anyone who'd ask me not to talk to someone I care about with potentially life-threatening medical issues doesn't care about me. Imagine this dude dying and you didn't get to say anything just so your partner wouldn't throw a temper tantrum. Unreal.

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