I'm a 23-year-old medical student, who has been recently diagnosed with PTSD and serious depression. I would really appreciate if you read my story and gave me some advice regarding getting over these disturbing thoughts of killing myself. Because this is a long post, I've marked the section that has some information about my major childhood and teen-year issues with dashed lines. The more important section is the latter one, which I hope is not too long to read.
I was born to a family, whose roots are deep in poverty and violence. My other granddad (who I've never seen, as he committed suicide by shooting himself to the head with a hunting rifle just before I was born) was a drunk and, according to everyone, very abusive and regularly beat my grandma and the kids. All this caused serious issues in my dad's side of family, which is why I never see three of my uncles (although I have 4). For example, one of those three tried to commit suicide by breaking into my grandma's house at night and torching himself and the house with grandma and me inside some 14 years ago. In court he denied knowing that we were inside, but he was still sentenced for 2 years in prison for attempted murder.
My parents are the first ones in the family to achieve something meaningful in their lives, allowing them to get a very high standard of living. This allowed me and my little sister to be raised in a different setting and tone than they had been raised in (i.e. no poverty, no violence, no drugs and alcohol etc.).. Although I know that our parents love us and care about us, neither of them showed it much as I was a kid. Our dad was never around because he was working all the time and our mom had also a demanding job, which required her to fly abroad frequently. Thus I grew very close with my little sister, since we spent plenty of time with just the two of us. We were also raised under very strict rules, which resulted in lacking communication between us kids and our parents. We also moved numerous times due to our dad's growing business and its needs, which didn't allow the creation of very good relationships with other kids. Thus I didn't really have any close friends (except my sister) until high school.
The past two years have been especially difficult for me. It all started when my dad was admitted to a hospital for an extended period of time due to hallucinations and paranoia. He was diagnosed with a mental illness, whose likely trigger had been overworking. Two months later my other grandma was diagnosed with advanced bone cancer and she was given a maximum of 3 years to live, and today her condition is fading fast. Around half a year later my little sister was sexually assaulted just before Christmas and the persons in responsible were never caught.
On Christmas my girlfriend broke up with me, since she needed time to "figure herself out." According to her closest friends, I was the perfect boyfriend to her and they couldn't understand where her sudden decision came from. Even she herself admitted to me just days before the break up that she is very afraid of the fact that I'm too perfect for her. Of course I was devastated with her decision.
In February my granddad passed away unexpectedly. During the next month my mom had a standard, low-risk operation for a tumor removal. Whilst I was visiting her afterwards in the hospital, she experienced sudden seizures and an acute heart failure. After minutes of resuscitation the heart began beating again but my mom was comatose. She woke up later during the week, but had suffered damage to her brain, and thus she e.g. didn't recognize me or my sister anymore. She spent three months in the hospital, because her heart kept failing on a regular basis and her doctors couldn't find the cause.
In the meantime I fell hard on a bike due to epileptic seizures. If I hadn't worn a helmet, I probably wouldn't be here today. Finally, around one month ago one of my closest friends died from methanol poisoning. This was followed last week by my ex gf, who I still love very much, openly boasting at me with her new boy-toy (who also happens to be one of my to-be-colleagues) after giving me months of mixed signals.
I started seeing a psychiatrist in January due to the stress I was feeling in my life due to these major changes. There I was diagnosed with serious depression (and later PTSD). I feel that don't have any control over my life or happiness in my life anymore. I don't have anyone to talk about my issues to except my psychiatrist, my sister (who currently lives abroad, and although we speak on the phone regularly, she rarely visits home these days), and my three closest friends. Each day for the last 6 months I've been considering more and more if I should commit suicide just to put the end to these bad feelings once and for all. My life feels like hell and is not worth living.
Please give me advice on how to get over these disturbing thoughts about suicide. I'm afraid of committing one in the near future if my life continues like this.