Found out my "awesome" wife is an awesome liar

I just dropped my wife off at the subway station so she could go to work. as she's getting out of the car she says "I left my facebook up so you could see the invite..." I get home and look at here laptop and she's been talking to her ex about seeing him (i'm not a jealous person at all but this is someone she claimed to hate and that she said she never wanted to see again and who also had been asking her to leave me and go back to him) she told me she wouldn't speak to him but apparently that's not the case. Also, she's got another message up from a guy she goes to class with saying "so what was your impression of me when we met?..." and then her phone number. Now I'm sitting her wondering how the hell to approach the situation. I never would have checked her messages behind her back, I never question who she is texting or chatting with because i have respect for her and I trust her but how the heck am i supposed to look at this? How to I ask her whats going on and why should I expect her to tell me the truth after she told me she wasn't speaking to one guy and said she had no friends in class?

Uhm.....Confront her about it. And print out the messages, 'cause she might go into denial about them after deleting them and call you loony.

Maybe she is looking for attention because you no longer think she is attractive and she is trying to make you jealous by showing you men do think she is attractive?

I make sure I tell her she's sexy and beautiful and how much I love her every day. I take her out on dates often, I include her in everything I do. We are open and honest with each other and tell each other everything, at least I thought so anyway. Not finding her attractive was an issue on my part that I had to fix and she knew it, we discussed it and that was that. I'm really not sure what to make of this. I wish I could explain the type of relationship we have, this is just not something I would expect from her.

It does sound like, for whatever reason she wanted you to see these messages. She has to know that you would have seen them as she TOLD you to go on her facebook.

You need to talk to her about this but I suggest you approach it carefully and calmly, just ask her 'why?'

She knows what you have seen, she will be expecting you to react.

Uhm.....Confront her about it. And print out the messages, 'cause she might go into denial about them after deleting them and call you loony.

Agree!! Do this so you have proof.

I make sure I tell her she's sexy and beautiful and how much I love her every day. I take her out on dates often, I include her in everything I do. We are open and honest with each other and tell each other everything, at least I thought so anyway. Not finding her attractive was an issue on my part that I had to fix and she knew it, we discussed it and that was that. I'm really not sure what to make of this. I wish I could explain the type of relationship we have, this is just not something I would expect from her.

You may make sure you tell her but just her knowing you no longer think she is attractive since giving birth is a super bad sting to her ego as a woman and it does not mean it does not hurt because you say one thing but don't really mean it. I realize you love her but saying you think she is sexy and not really meaning it will still sting and hurt. I am not saying what she has on FB is right, but that could be the motivation for it.

I get that and you're right, that could very well be it. But she tells me everything else, why wouldn't she tell me that? She tells me when she has a problem with anything else I say or do, that's why we never argue; we have been open about our feelings and opinions. Or at least I thought so anyway. I really don't have anything to say to her at this point. I confronted her about it without being hostile or calling her names. She keeps saying she was just bored and being nosey... But for what? And as far as I know, being nosey means finding info about the other person, that wasn't the case in what I read.

I can only tell you that it is very damaging to woman's sense of herself and to the relationship to tell her after having a baby, " you are not attractive to me anymore." I would be hurt beyond dimension about that for a VERY long time and no amount of fake telling me I was attractive would cut it. It may not be right and it isn't,that she is looking to feel attractive elsewhere, but I think that is the crux of it. She wants to feel truly attractive so she is looking for attention from people who truly think she is. I know you love and feel she is beautiful and that has not changed but not being WANTED is a nasty blow and it would be to you too if she said the same. She wants to be WANTED, and she knows you don't want her.

I could be wrong too, but I think that is it. I would ask for her true feelings about how you feel. I know as a woman who has had children that if my husband had told me that I would have been horribly crushed.

I agree with Vic. You can DO all you want to make us feel sexy but once we have heard those words uttered out of your mouth, it's always goign to be in the back of our minds. Always.

I would talk to her before you jump to conclusions. Cheaters don't just give you access like that - it all very well could have been harmless.

Not being attracted to someone isn't wrong. I didn't make a conscious effort to not be attracted to her. I expressed my concern in the issue, she expressed hers and i have been working on myself to correct the issue. Hpwever, She made a conscious effort to go behind my back with this situation. Misguided emotions aren't a good enough excuse for me to just disregard what I read. If she needs attention from other men, she doesn't need me. Simple as that.

It's open season as far as I'm concerned. She even invited you into her facebook account to have a look.

Asking your ex to come see you at work or between classes doesn't say "harmless" to me. Especially after her telling me she wouldn't talk to him again. Asking a guy what his impression of her when they met then sending her number doesn't say harmless either. She is pissed that I read the messages but when I saw that they had 40+ messages from someone she "doesn't talk to anymore" of course I'm going to read it!

It's not wrong for the person who ISN'T attracted anymore. What you have to understand is you can do all the working on it you want, but your wife knows you no longer find her attractive. If your sexual desire had just went out the window that's one thing, but if my fiance were to come to me 15 years from now and say he no longer finds me attractive in any way, your damn right that would cut me. Perhaps she does the need attention of other men with the knowledge her husband no longer finds her attractive - no one wnats to be with someone who has to make themselves be attracted to them.

Like I said, if she needs the attention from other men, she doesn't need me.

Like I said, if she needs the attention from other men, she doesn't need me.

I think your being rather hypocrtical about all this myself, IMO. Your allowed to tell her 'look babe, I no longer find you attractive' and she has to deal with it as your dealing with it but if she goes seeking the attention of other men (although I highly doubt she is. Cheaters never just give you that access) just ONCE she's the bad guy? Doesn't make sense. So your hang ups she has to stick around and wait around for you to find her attractive again but she tries to make herself feel better (After something YOU feel) and she's the bad guy? I think you need to seriously step back and look at this with a clear eye before talking to her and getting her side.

I am surprised you think she should have no bad feelings about what you said. You're right it is not wrong not to not be attracted to someone but when that someone is the woman you married and just gave birth to one of the best things in your life and you expect it not to hurt that is a little much. You are right she is going about it the wrong way, but I also think your expectations of the post birth female body are unrealistic.

Yes I do think she is he "bad guy" in his situation. I TOLD her about my issues before I even posted a thread about it. She is the first to know about any hang ups I have. She, on the other hand, went straight to another man. I could have gone to one of my models, considering I wasn't attracted to my wife but instead I went to her and was honest.

Apparent Lesson Learned: despite everyone saying it is essential to be honest and open in a relationship and discuss issues as they come up those same people will rip you to shreds if you are. You can't win so don't try.

Second Apparent Lesson Learned: if you have made the mistake of being honest and tried to discuss an issue, some people will concentrate on your mistake and excuse or ignore anything your partner does to retaliate including leading you to believe she may be planning on cheating on you. Your mistake in being honest and upsetting her is the only thing that matters.

On the other hand, you could tell your wife that you will not tolerate her behaviour and if she wants to end the marriage this is a good way to bring it about.

You told her you didn't find her attractive?

Would it bother you if she had told you she loves you but in no way does she find you attractive and she does not want you anymore?

You told her you didn't find her attractive?

It wasn't as simple as that. After having our child, she didn't want to get her body back in shape but likes dressing sexy and wearing revealing clothing. I didn't say she wasn't attractive. I told her that I wasn't attracted to her physically because of that. It's not that her body is unattractive, it's that with her body the way it is, I'm not comfortable with her wearing crop tops to parties wi me. I expressed my concern and said I'd even work with her in it. I also understand that having a kid is a life and body altering event. I'm still very attracted to her... Her clothing choice just isn't always the best, in my opinion.

See what I mean?

You all are taking my "not attractive" statement way out of context. But to answer your question, yes it would bother me. I'd let her know it bothered me. I wouldn't go to other women. That wouldn't help the situation.

Yes I do think she is he "bad guy" in his situation. I TOLD her about my issues before I even posted a thread about it. She is the first to know about any hang ups I have. She, on the other hand, went straight to another man. I could have gone to one of my models, considering I wasn't attracted to my wife but instead I went to her and was honest.

I comend you for this becuase not a lot of people will do this. I'm not sayign what she did was right - although I still think it may not be bad, as in, it looks bad but isn't - but we all communicate differently. I hate to use the line but women and men think differently when it comes to issues, especially when their 'worth' is in question by their partner. If my fiance were to come to me and say what you did yes, I would talk to him about it, but I would also talk to others about it.