Boyfriend constantly questions me and doesn't believe what I say... Help please

Hi,

Firstly, I love my boyfriend very much and 60% of the time, he is very loving and caring. But I have noticed over the past year since we have been together that he is very insecure and pessimistic about almost everything and about life and people in general.

He questions me all the time and tries to catch me out on something that is nonexistent. For instance, I'll say 'I might go to the beach' and he might mishear and say 'which beach did u go to', i'll say 'I didn't say I went', he'll say 'right, u just did' and then he'll think I have lied and am trying to cover it up. It really is crazy and is making me doubt so many things about myself and our relationship. He is friends with girls whom he has either had sex with or had a fling with and thinks this is okay. He is big on receiving attention and likes it when he looks around and sees girls looking at him. He likes to be in a relationship but I worry about how much he likes to be desired by girls from his past. I mean, why does he need them in his life? When I talk to him about it he says 'they are just friends' but when I ask him what sort of friends they are, he can't answer it.

He is incredibly giving but at the same time, incredibly selfish. Like when I was sick with a sore stomach, he kept leaning on it and when I would squirm, he wouldn't move right away... Sometimes I think that he was purposely trying to hurt me but I can't be sure. Also, when I was sick, he was angry with me as I couldn't do anything. It took him a few days to work out that I actually was REALLY sick and then he was nice to me but before that I really thought he was just evil and so selfish and uncaring. BUT while I was sick he cleaned up heaps for me and looked after my son. So I guess he made up for it.

I know that you might say that I should just leave him, but I am not perfect. Recently, I have been so stressed and not myself at all, which is why I got so ill, that I have been doing stupid unthinkable things like; I received some money from a payout (1'500) and spent it all on gambling! I can't answer why I did this but I think it's more than likely that I have no money to pay bills and thought that I might win enough to cover them. Anyway, I have done something really bad and now have to tell him but I am so scared to tell him because he will doubt me and not trust me even more. Even though this is HONESTLY the only thing I have done in our relationship for him to not trust me for.

I am so confused. I love this man and really believe that we can make things work out. But firstly, how do I tell him about losing the money (and let him know that he can trust me with money and that it was a once off - when he already has trust issues), and secondly; discuss with him how his trust issues with me are turning me into a paranoid mess that feels like she is always walking on eggshells for no reason. I don't want to live like this but I don't want to live without him. The thought of living without him sends me into a anxious mess. I just couldn't do it.

Please help, thank u.

Ara

Another thing also is that i have to mention that he seems to like it when I cry. And since I have been with him I cry a lot. I cry when we have an argument, I cry when he doesn't talk to me and just goes cold for no reason, I cry when he accuses me of cheating on him.

Please can somebody offer me some points or advice? I don't want to loose him but i know that i shouldn't be treated like this. I just don't know what to do. He does so much for me and has helped me out financially also. i know he cares for me but I am genuinely becoming scared of him and how he will react to certian things. Even things like when I am sick.

He likes it when you cry? That's not a healthy relationship. I think you know that, though. And the other behaviour of his, too, is really not good for you. But will you do anything about it? I hope so. He sounds scarey. You need to get away from him, no matter how nice he can be.

It sounds like he's giving you JUST enough positive attention to make you doubt your own instincts.

Nobody who really loves you should enjoy bringing you physical pain, or like it when they inflict emotional pain on you. Him liking you crying isn't healthy, and it's a very bad example for your son to have as a role model for how women should be treated.

Fast forward 10 years. How would you feel if you watched your son treat a love interest the way this man treats you? Probably pretty horrified, and left wondering "how could my child do this to this poor girl?"

Right now is the time to get away. He's manipulative, he doesn't trust you (even when he had no cause), and he's emotionally (and bordering on physically) abusive.

And one thing I've noticed - a lot of guys who are unfaithful or at least on the brink of it are the ones who are unreasonably jealous and suspicious. It's like they have to search for a reason to justify their behavior. And that's not fair to you.

I figure since I posted "Is she lying and why?" this had to be a really good read. First I am sorry for your situation since it appears this guy has it out for you. It could be conceived as some twisted sense of humor or childish behavior. But, the girls thing, the getting happy when you cry.... I dunno. Just seems so wrong. I think the hard of hearing thing might actually be believable and perhaps he is too proud to admit it might have been a misunderstanding. Yes, I am so guilty of that one. I always feel it is important to listen and talk things through with my girlfriend. We usually start it off with a prewarning catch phrase which we both understand as meaning the conversation will be of a serious nature. It usually helps to avoid reluctance to open up or talk about things plus it's easier to focus and get the words out without too much emotion driving the conversation. I would think he had a previous relationship in which trust was broken and he was hurt. Maybe his defense is so overwhelming it has turning into a offense spewing unnecessary conflict into your relationship. Just tossing out some ideas.

Hello Dr Jekyll and Hyde!

Please get out of this relationship. It's beginning to destroy your confidence. My ex was exactly the same. He would pester and pester me, question me over and over and never believed me (which then made me question the reality as I started to believe that maybe there was something going on in an innocent situation when there wasn't) and he too liked to enjoy it when I cried or got angry. My ex helped me out financially but this is never a good scenario as it almost gave him the right to treat me as if i owed him something (I was grateful but then HE had offered to help me) and it was a difficult power struggle as I felt myself forgiving his behaviour when deep down i knew it was not healthy.

Please believe me. This man won't stop and HE WILL DESTROY YOUR CONFIDENCE. Think about it, are you less happy than you were 1 year ago? Are you scared to take risks e.g. take a test or go out and do something biggish independently e.g. a weekend trip to another city? Do you ignore a deep feeling that he isn't treating you right or that you could be embarrassed or ashamed if you told your close friends what's really going on (the friends who tell you how it is)? Do you also feel that you 'wouldn't be able to survive' without him? -these are all telling signs that he is not good news. Trust me, you and your son are better off without him as it won't be long till he starts destroying your son's confidence too.

What's his father like? Is the mum unhappy? These are also telling signs. It can seem all peachy on the outside but who dominates who and is it the kind of relationship you'd like to see yourself having in 30 years? Does the father dominate with words, money, guilt, fists? Anything can be used as unhealthy power to have a hold over another.

This does not sound like the basis for a good relationship.

Let us know how you get on xxxxxxxxx

 

Right now is the time to get away. He's manipulative, he doesn't trust you (even when he had no cause), and he's emotionally (and bordering on physically) abusive.

 

And one thing I've noticed - a lot of guys who are unfaithful or at least on the brink of it are the ones who are unreasonably jealous and suspicious. It's like they have to search for a reason to justify their behavior. And that's not fair to you.

I could not agree more. I think he is the one with things to hide. It saddens me to see people stay in relationships that are not serving them well, simply because of a scarcity mentality and because they think 'they can't do any better'. Get out now. There is more to life.