So my boyfriend broke up with me after 3 years of being together. This is the second time but this time it was for real. The first time I freaked out and after about 2 days he decided to give it another try. After about 6 months he gave up and told me that he was no longer in love with me. He has been acting cold at times towards me and during those two years living together he started to care less and less about saving our relationship. Our relationship started off as very romantic and passionate though.
We haven't been happy for a while. I've been crying a lot, sleeping during the day and just being very hermity and staying in a lot. I came to another country to live with him and so couldn't find work for 1.5 years. I had some work I did on the side but it was not nearly enough. I've used up all my savings and credit to help keep us afloat. I had go to school to learn the language and find new friends as my mom (the only family) and my best friend lived overseas. So I guess I was rather depressed. Not to mention in the country it is mostly gray and so not a lot of sunshine.
He's been very stressed ever since I've known him. Both of us met on the internet and pretty much close to our own breakups. Mine was a lot less stressful than his I guess. He also has a child from a previous marriage. While living together with me for a while he still argued with his ex over their relationship. His job was stressful in many ways as he had to work with people and a lot of the time not very nice ones. His hours were irregular and sometimes he would end up working night and so wouldn't get good sleep. Also we had arguments over almost nothing at times and that would lead to long winded discussions well into the night when he had to wake up at 5 in the morning. And of course half the time he had to look after his kid. I helped him out in this but sometimes I avoided it because I wanted time for myself (even though paradoxically I had plenty of it but it never seemed enough). He was mostly responsible for finding apartments to live in as it is quite hard for people to find permanent places to live in here so we moved about 3 times since I moved here to be with him. He was responsible for the bills as well since he was the one working and knew the language and could log into his bank (as that was how he paid for everything). Before he started working he spent about 3 years failing his paper for Bachelors degree because of procrastination and other stresses in life.
I think he grew resentful of me as he was often angry at me because he felt like I didn't help enough with looking for work and that he had to be there for me because of my depression. While when he would get upset he wouldn't ask for help and sometimes act passive aggressively towards me. Since we didn't have a lot of money we didn't go out often and our activities mostly included movie night and sex. I had trouble going out as I felt lost and I guess intimidated by going out and socializing in a foreign country where people are generally rather aloof. People that I made friends with were also mostly busy. Whenever I wanted to go out to do something he would not feel up to it as he felt too tired and lazy to put in the effort although at times we managed.
After the break up I left to stay with some friends as it is quite heart rendering to stay in the same place as the person who says they are no longer in love with you. He still said that he loved me and that he saw me as a friend but not as a partner in a relationship. He told me he wanted to just be alone and take a break from relationships for a year or two. I asked if he would ever feel in love with me again and he said that probably not. When I asked how he can be so certain he said it might happen in a year or two or in ten. We were in the middle of a move at the time. One day we met up to clean and then ended up sleeping with each other although we both knew it was a bad idea. He felt worse about it than me though. Afterwards we also had to spend a week together on a vacation which couldn't be cancelled because other people have made arrangements to come and visit us. We ended up sleeping together again a few times. Both of us initiated this contact. He made sure to tell me that his feelings haven't changed but often would sit and tell me how I'm a wonderful person, smart, beautiful and how I'm going to find someone great and that he'll be jealous. He made me promise to let him know when I moved on in a serious relationship because he didn't want to run into me on the street and get a surprise one day. At one point he even suggested that we might end up cheating on our future spouses if we ever met up. He also wanted to go to a similar friend meet up in a year and another one in two with me.
In the early stages of the break up he found out that I was feeling better and happier. I think maybe via facebook or just heard me sounding happy over the phone. He got rather upset at me for that going as far as to suggest that I met someone. This was not the case in the least. I simply felt good that day. In fact he was quite upset about the fact that he ended up living in the new apartment with a very high rent (half of which I was going to pay). I told him that I wanted to break contact for a very long time as it will take time for me to heal (even though I'm still in love with him) since we both wanted to stay friends. He started crying and telling me that he never wanted to hurt me and how he really wanted to have me as a friend.
After the trip with the friends (during which he wanted out a couple of times because he felt bad as opposed to me and because of some financial situation as well, I asked that he not abandon his friends and leave it only up to me to entertain them) we kept in contact for about a week. One time we met up got drunk and slept together again. Next day he felt bad about it and suggested that we break contact for a while. I agreed in this as it was getting hard to see him without feeling desperate and hopeful. The same day he called me on the phone and asked how I was doing and we ended up having phone sex. After which he said that we really really should stop doing that and asked for a break for two weeks. So I said sure and started act and talk more distant which upset him. He said that it hurt to hear me talk to him this way but that he understood. Since then we haven't seen each other but kept in contact via email due to some practical issues (he had most of my stuff at the new apartment).
After a week he wrote back to me suggesting that a week was not enough and that a month should give us more distance. I've been reading about breakups, love, relationships etc to try to understand what went wrong. For me it was not so clear as to what exactly went wrong in the relationship between us and why he lost his love for me. I'm still not clear. I thought it was just the every day stuff that got to us which is not what he thought but he didn't have an answer for me. He felt it just happened over time and it was due to many little things accumulating. Anyway I tried my hardest to put the distance between us but not a day goes by that I don't think of him and oftne have to try hard to keep back the tears (I think it's been like 1.5 months now). On some days I feel like I can move on and everything is fine but then I hear a song, see a little thing of his or something that he gave me and it's hard to not feel sad. Sometimes I feel wistful about our relationship and the hopes and dreams we had that never came true. I've been trying to keep busy, eat healthy, started running and dressing better.
I don't really know what to do at this point. I want to be friends and I want to be more than friends. I feel good sometimes and at others awful. I don't think I'm ready to see him after this month is up but I want to see him so bad because I miss him so much.