"Aren't You Proud?" - A Letter To Myself, Revisiting This Year

Hey D,

You are ok, bud. You have been through hell this past year, but you came out ok. Yes, Lo left, and you kind of deserved it. Nonetheless, you picked up the pieces of your life and carried on. You still love her. You feel like a chasm is inside you that can’t be filled by anything. Stop trying. Accept that she was a piece of you – a beautiful aspect of who you were. She is gone. Who you were is gone, and honestly, that’s not so much of a bad thing. So, be happy that you had your moments, and take what good things you can from your time together and put them to use – you have it in you to be a wonderful person if you could only get out of you own way.

It’s ok to be angry sometimes – she left you without a leg to stand on, and cheated on you; you have every right to hate her if you want. Be sad sometimes - your tears mean something to you, obviously, because you feel better afterwards. But most of all, allow yourself the ability to heal, please – torturing yourself with the past gets you nowhere. It’s been a year now – yes, that is a long time, but take all the time you need. There is no timeline for these types of things, as long as you genuinely are making an effort to not dwell. Just keep moving forward, no matter what. So turn off the sad songs, stop looking at old photos and reading her words, and throw out the last of her things. Your emotions can span the spectrum at times, and you should let them – just don’t let them drag you to places not worth being revisited. Oh, and I know you can’t hate her – we worked on that: it’s incredible how much you love her, in spite of everything. Embrace what you feel in the moment, and let it go when you don’t.

As for your professional life – pin your ears back; if there was one good thing about who you used to be, it was how driven you were. You felt like that strength came from her, but it didn’t – it was from inside you. It always has. You wanted to be a college athlete? You were a national champion. You wanted to go to a great school? You got a scholarship. You know what you want in this life, and you know how to achieve it - so go out and get it. You are already halfway there; just two more years of hell. Then, you can go do whatever you like. The world is literally spread out before you, and your future is up to you. You have no one holding you back anymore – even her. You are in control of your choices, so put in the time and do the work you know you can do, and give this shot everything you have. You will regret not doing so. You are plenty intelligent – don’t ever waste it.

As for you, and the person you are – remember to give love, and you will receive it. I’m not going to lie, you have become jaded since her, in all facets. Please, stop hanging on your pain and using it as a crutch to handicap your own decency. It’s ok to be selfish, especially now, but remember to smile and send positive energy to others. I know you are not a selfish person, and I know you don’t mean the things you say sometimes. You have been hurt a lot in the past, and you put up your walls higher and thicker than most to keep the pain away. You feel more than most. You used to care more than most, though now you rarely get out from behind your veneer to interact with those around you. Sure, you talk, but you don’t listen. You definitely enjoy pity parties at times – that is one thing you need to stop. Come out from behind your walls of shame and recognize your value. You will never find the happiness you crave if you don’t let anyone in to see it for themselves. In short, know your worth but keep your humility.

Also, go pursue the ones you want! Yes, society sucks sometimes, in regards to double-standards and hypocritical women – deal with it. Men have since the beginning of time. Good looks only get you so far. You need to have a personality again. Remember why you used to be loved by women; remember the confidence you used to have. She did not take everything from you when she left – that part of you is still around. Don’t wait for them to come to you. You don’t need their approval, and you don’t need to play games. Women don’t need to make you feel worthy – you already know you are. If you see a girl you find attractive, talk to her. You are not a shy, weak person, so quit pretending you are so you don’t have to put yourself out there again. The pain of rejection is nothing like what you have just gone through. So smile, breathe, and know that it won’t ever be as bad as in your mind.

It doesn’t have to be Jess, but treat the girl well – she has helped you in ways I’m not sure you fully realize yet. Treat her as you wish you had treated L, even if the feelings aren’t the same. You don’t have to love someone with all your might, to stroke their head until they fall asleep, or ask them how their day was. Respect her in ways you’ve failed in the past.

You have done so much in the last year. You loved, you lost, you were more depressed than you’ve ever been in your life. You hung on to your family with everything you had. You wrestled with your demons and the bottle. You fought off dreams of her almost nightly, until they no longer haunted you. You got through a year of law school. You got into amazing shape. You traveled the world. You met some amazing people, and laughed harder than you ever thought you could. You’ve had the crap scared out of you by reality, and learned to live in the moment. You’re still learning to cope with your anxiety and anger, but that is a struggle that may last a lifetime. You’ve learned to accept the past, and love her with all your heart from a distance. Most of all, you’ve learned to recognize your flaws, and forgive yourself for what you cannot change.

You gotten through it, even with that broken, lonely mind. Yes, you have your problems, but you came out stronger than you’ve ever felt. For all that you feel you lack, just remember to feel that strength you have inside now – feel that newfound ability to stand on your own two feet. That’s not a fluke; that’s your badge of honor, for going through this. So take the bandages off, and start living within your own skin again. You really are better for everything that happened; you are reborn. It took hell for you to grow up, but you have. Aren’t you proud?

I love this, Philabonia! You are what you need for yourself. So supportive and understanding... that we could all treat ourselves with such compassion! Sometime you will no doubt find another. Nonetheless, in the meantime and then, I am happy for you... because you are there for yourself.

As an aside, I also like your sig.

Lapse - thanks. Some days I need to remind myself why I work so hard/why I am trying to better myself. Yeah, it started because of her, but I've realized, over the course of the past year, that I really needed to do it for myself.

And yes, the sig pretty much describes my struggle perfectly. I was a serial monogamist before this - I think the greatest achievement of all has been the ability to be ok with simply being alone. Who knew that would be hardest of all!

I LOVE this!! Was exactly what i needed to read today. Thank you!