Moving On To Better Times

Hey there,

I won't lie, I'm in bits at the moment. I will also say that I am normally a pretty good communicator but feeling particularly delicate so sorry if I come accross as a bit rubbish right now! I feel like I could write an essay about what's happening but I'll try and keep things brief at first. I think writing this down and a bit of company will help me this evening. So thanks for reading.

Sigh. OK, I'm an almost 30 year old (!) female and I have an amazing daughter who is 5 years old. I have just split up with my boyfriend of 14 months and I'm completely heartbroken. It was his decision, it wasn't a complete shock however. The past 4 weeks or so have been iffy and things came to a head a week ago. It boiled down to a ever-increasing whirlwind of me picking up a slightly negative vibe from him, me worrying about it but not saying anything, letting things build up and then letting it all spill out after a few drinks on a weekend. Which caused more negative vibes the next day. And so on.

I won't get into huge detail on my first post, but our relationship wasn't overly heavy, in the respect that we lived apart, would see each other only once during the working week, but spend a fair bit of the weekend together. There were sometimes variations on this but that was the most normal pattern.

When we started seeing each other, he quite literally swept me off my feet. He was already a friend but not a close one, I would see him from time to time as we have a lot of mutual friends, so would occasionally bump into each other. He confessed his attraction to me in May last year. And I fell in love with him pretty fast. I've always held him on a pedestal to be honest, I didn't think that someone so intelligent, handsome, down to earth, sensible yet exciting would ever be attracted to me! But he was, and 95% of the time we have spent together since June last year has been amazing. We would go out for random weekenders to hotels in the middle of nowhere, or just spend cosy nights in watching BBC News! We did a million and one things together that I haven't started to think about yet. And every thing we did was special to me. I just feel amazing holding his hand (soppy or what?!)

I'm not going to wax lyrical about how fantastic he is (or at least not yet!)

My insecurities have caused this break-up, I'm quite aware of that. I can't say a bad word against him, apart from maybe he didn't give me enough of the signals that he DID like me, cue my worrying, cue my insecurity. I'm not a horrifically insecure person, I just think I didn't chat enough with him if something worried me, in case I got an answer I didn't like. And then I finally did He is very much a closed book when it comes to emotions, I found that quite difficult.

And after things blew up last Sunday, and a few days of not really much communication, and much of it was clipped and awkward. I get an email. On Thursday. AN EMAIL! He doesn't want to be in a relationship where there are arguments every few weeks. Met up with him for a brief chat on Friday, I'm sad to say I begged a little for him to take me back, but nothing too dramatic. He dropped me back home and said goodbye. It's nearly 48 hours of no contact and I'm feeling it hard

I don't mean to be vague or anything, so please please feel free to ask questions and such. I do need to chat it out a bit, but just don't want to do a horrendously long post! I'm just a little messy headed right now. This forum looks fantastic and I hope to get posting a fair bit when I'm not feeling so tender.

Cheers for reading

NorthPickle x

Were the arguments the only reason he gave for breaking up?

Hi,

The email was short but yes, he said that he doesn't want to be in a relationship where there are arguments every few weeks, and that he doesn't want to feel like if we go out to socialise that there will be any issues ie: me bringing up things I was unhappy about.

Hi,

 

The email was short but yes, he said that he doesn't want to be in a relationship where there are arguments every few weeks, and that he doesn't want to feel like if we go out to socialise that there will be any issues ie: me bringing up things I was unhappy about.

Is that a fair thing for him to say?

It's very true, yes, because that's what was happening. And by arguments I don't mean big blazing rows, I would just often want to mention something that he did that I questioned (and it was always very minor things) but he would instantly shut off. Or walk away. Or both.

I sound like a right tool

Do you think that this might be repairable? If you were to ask him to try again and this time you will approach any issues differently?

It's very true, yes, because that's what was happening. And by arguments I don't mean big blazing rows, I would just often want to mention something that he did that I questioned (and it was always very minor things) but he would instantly shut off. Or walk away. Or both.

 

I sound like a right tool

 

From your initial post and the one above, it sounds like he might be frustrated and not know what else to do to get you to trust him. Your insecurities and questions show him that you don't trust him. If he feels that he has nothing to cause you to question this, he might be frustrated with what else to do to get you to believe. Trust in the foundation of the relationship. When you have perceived cracks in your trust for him, he is not confident about the foundation that the relationship is being built on and no matter what he does to show you that the cracks don't exist, you still see more cracks. That is how it looks to me...... I think he loves and cares for you but is possibly spending more times trying to address your fears and perceptions vs. enjoy the relationship and take it to the next level.

Do you think that this might be repairable? If you were to ask him to try again and this time you will approach any issues differently?

I would like nothing more than to repair it! After the email on Thursday, I met up with him on Friday for a walk round the park but he said he had made his decision and that was the end. He was upset, yes. But he didn't say a great deal more, it was mainly me apologising and saying I would do anything to change things. It's just very difficult when you both know there is something special there and that 95% of the time is amazing, but because of my anxiety and slight niggles that he might not feel the same way - which cause him not to feel the same way!

I agree that we need time apart however, even though we weren't living in each other's pockets. We need time to reflect and think. But I don't want to get my hopes up of a reunion or anything like that. It's just quite hard not hearing from him.

I would write him a letter and say that you would like to work out a better way of resolving issues - and only when they are really important.

Hi,

Thanks, I found your post very interesting and has made me think. I wouldn't say I have a "trust" issue, in regards to the fact I never thought that he would be unfaithful, he is not like that at all. For all my faults I'm not jealous or possessive in any way. But yes, I couldn't trust in the fact that he liked, or even loved me. I couldn't see why he was attracted to me, which sometimes felt like I was wasting my time being with him, because it could never lead to anything very serious. Instead of relaxing and enjoying the ride. Sigh.

I would write him a letter and say that you would like to work out a better way of resolving issues - and only when they are really important.

I have thought about a letter. But it's maybe too soon?

I have thought about a letter. But it's maybe too soon?

Hi,

 

Thanks, I found your post very interesting and has made me think. I wouldn't say I have a "trust" issue, in regards to the fact I never thought that he would be unfaithful, he is not like that at all. For all my faults I'm not jealous or possessive in any way. But yes, I couldn't trust in the fact that he liked, or even loved me. I couldn't see why he was attracted to me, which sometimes felt like I was wasting my time being with him, because it could never lead to anything very serious. Instead of relaxing and enjoying the ride. Sigh.

Trust is not only measured in someone being faithful or unfaithful.

You didn't trust that he was attracted to you from the start. Any questioning or insecurities that you have are symptoms of your self confidence, self love, and/or self esteem (lack thereof). The way the questions present themselves to them is that you don't trust that he wants to be with you. If your insecurities cause the questioning, he is feeling that the relationship is unstable because you cannot trust it and just enjoy it. At least that is how it looks to me from what you posted.

He tried and perhaps he thought over time your insecurities (and subsequent questioning) would dissipate. If it did not, he doesn't know what else to do....... He can't make you trust. He can't solve for your insecurities. He can only solve for how he feels. Perhaps he feels like he failed because it was consistent and something that didn't eventually get resolved. No matter what he did, how he answered, when he answered, when he didn't answer, etc... He got to a dead end.

The sad part about all of it is that that which you were insecure about ended up being realized. Not because of the reasons you feared but because your fears alone projected the relationship there.

Oh, goodness goodness me. He's just texted me "How are you?" This is after no contact since Friday. Not sure what to do, ha!

And thank you learning2relax, you are saying things that are making me see sense. The two points I will make is that my insecurities don't lead to constant questioning or arguing, just a background of me being slightly worried. Which will come out every now and then. And also the fact that he never talks about how he feels, hardly any "I love you"s, "you look great", so I don't know, which makes me wonder, and worry. Etc etc

Oh, goodness goodness me. He's just texted me "How are you?" This is after no contact since Friday. Not sure what to do, ha!

 

And thank you learning2relax, you are saying things that are making me see sense. The two points I will make is that my insecurities don't lead to constant questioning or arguing, just a background of me being slightly worried. Which will come out every now and then. And also the fact that he never talks about how he feels, hardly any "I love you"s, "you look great", so I don't know, which makes me wonder, and worry. Etc etc

So if this helps you at all......I heard the words that you didn't. Gave me a false sense of security. The actions didn't match up. So if I had my druthers, I would rather see the actions and forgo the words. Would not hearing the words get me worried? Perhaps.... Probably at times.... I would much rather work on my insecurities myself, which are within my control, if I didn't hear the words and use my own self confidence to trust his actions. I hope that makes sense.

Text him back "I am fine, hope you are too"

I'm not sure whether to reply or not, will dwell on that one!

I'm not sure where my insecurities lay, or the reason for them. I'm not unhappy with my physical appearance, for a start. I'm not desperate to be in a relationship with anyone. I think it's because I fell so hard and so deeply in love with him, something I have never done that quickly and those feelings remain. Maybe I'm used to being with mainly rubbish people in the past and I couldn't understand why this perfect gentleman wanted anything to do with me, like it was a dream!

I maintain a very friendly and amicable relationship with the father of my daughter, we were together 5 years (and living together most of that) and he is a star. The love there was sweet but it was more friendly, comfortable and cosy. Mutual comfort, not devotion really Not that i'm thinking about him in that way, you understand! But just to give you a slight background.

And yes Learning, I agree that actions speak louder than words, and the ex wouldn't dare say anything like "I love you" unless he truly deeply felt it, so those three times made it more special I guess I'm sorry that you were hurt x

I found that I couldn't trace back the root cause of some of my insecurities on my own. I guess it is my own mind and memory acting in defense of the hurt that it caused me so all that is left is the scar (insecurity). I went to therapy for 1 year and low and behold we got there. Boy that was one tough session I tell you. We had been working up to it. Then there was one session that we got there right at the beginning and I tell you I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed through the rest of the hour. I don't think I got many words out. Then the other sessions were about how to heal from it. I didn't realize that I was so hurt by something so far in the past. While I remembered the high level details of that time where the hurt was caused, I didn't remember the pain and I don't think my brain allowed myself to remember enough details enough on the surface due to the pain. But once we started diving in, we hit a point (didn't take that long) where it was like a tidal wave!

I left that session feeling incredible relief. I look back at that session with a mixture of feelings. It was really hard and uncomfortable but it was a safe place to feel that pain and to let it out. I am glad I got there because it was dealing with something from my past that I never did deal with - maybe I shoved it off so quickly that I didn't even allow myself to realize that it hurt at the time - don't know. But now that I have dealt with it and then used the information from it and how not dealing with it manifested itself, it is hopefully no longer a roadblock. I just have to trip over the other ones now!

Something to consider if you feel that it is really impacting your life and relationships and getting in the way of your own happiness. Only you can solve for that.

Oh, and I meant to add.....

While it is no fun to hurt, and given the option, I would NEVER want to relive this. I will say that I am grateful for the journey and what I have learned for myself through the process. I am a better person now for having gone through it. We can't avoid feeling hurt in life. What we can do is learn from it. Make the best of it and grow from it.

I'm not really clear what your arguments were about. Can you give some examples?

Hiya, I've just had a few hours sleep as I was exhausted, it's now just gone 2am, my sleep patterns have been messed up for a week!

And I still haven't replied to his "how are you?" text. Not sure what to do.

Oh, and I meant to add.....

 

While it is no fun to hurt, and given the option, I would NEVER want to relive this. I will say that I am grateful for the journey and what I have learned for myself through the process. I am a better person now for having gone through it. We can't avoid feeling hurt in life. What we can do is learn from it. Make the best of it and grow from it.

I'm not really clear what your arguments were about. Can you give some examples?

Thanks for your replies, it means a lot. our arguments were always pretty much the same, I would say something like "I'm not sure whether you really like me?" to which he would say something like "I do" but be no more committal than that. Which would make me think "Why isn't he saying more? Why can't he say "I love you"? Which lead me to being more insecure and getting upset. These weren't big arguments, I found out early in the relationship that he wasn't one for talking about "love" or "the future" so I backed away from talking about anything like that. When I really needed to. And then my feelings of wonder, about how he really felt, would just come to light ever so often.

I think to a certain extent he was feeling smothered, not in the respect that I would ever have a problem with him seeing his friends or doing his own thing. We spend most of the week apart. But for two reasons, him ever not wanting to see me made me think even more that I wasn't that important to him (I know this sounds silly) or that if we went out with friends I would get upset after a few drinks, and he didn't want the drama.

When we had the brief chat on Friday, he mentioned that the fact that I was so sensitive was one of the reasons he was attracted to me, but I also think this is the reason that I drove him away

Well let's reverse this a little. After over a year together, you wanted more emotional reassurance. He didn't/couldn't give that to you. If he doesn't want to work on this with you, perhaps he is not the right guy for you. I don't think you should completely blame yourself here.

Well let's reverse this a little. After over a year together, you wanted more emotional reassurance. He didn't/couldn't give that to you. If he doesn't want to work on this with you, perhaps he is not the right guy for you. I don't think you should completely blame yourself here.

I just wished I had allowed myself to say something to him last weekend, I had quite correctly picked up the signals that he was going to end things, but me being me didn't say anything first.

We spent most of the weekend together, two cosy nights in, visiting a friend who has just had a baby, even going to his boss's house for lunch one day! Doing these type of things when there was an underlying atmosphere just got on top of me. I was inwardly thinking "Why is he doing this, taking me out and doing all this "serious couple" stuff?"

We got back from his boss's house and he announced that he was going to see some friends in another town not far away for the evening, and made it pretty clear I wasn't invited. And I got very upset. I'm not sure why. I felt as if he had used me as a tool to show some of the world that we were a great couple, but that in reality we weren't and what he really wanted was to be with friends.

I wouldn't have got so upset normally, it was just a build-up of emotions which made me act irrationally, so I started crying. I went home and lo and behold, I get a text from him about three hours later saying "I'm back in town. Do you want to meet up for a drink?" In hindsight I should have said no, as I had been so upset. But I was very happy to hear from him and of course I agreed, we met up and spent the rest of the evening out in a couple of pubs. This was the worst idea EVER! He had already had a few drinks with his friends and a few hours down the line, I thought it a great idea to "talk". Ugh. The things I said weren't awful, but I must have come accross as pretty needy, even saying I felt second best and the last choice after his friends. I don't even think that!

Anyway, he just walked out and left me.

This hurts more than I can ever describe. I feel dreadful, I can't believe I have lost someone so amazing through the actual fear of losing him!

And why did he text me last night?

northpickle, I'm curious what thoughts are stopping you from responding to his text?

northpickle, I'm curious what thoughts are stopping you from responding to his text?

Hi there,

I'm not completely sure, to be honest! Probably a combination of not really knowing what to say (I'm doing absolutely terrible but not wanting him to know that, but I don't want to lie and say I'm OK) and also finding it difficult to be in any kind of communication with somebody who has just broken my heart!

I don't want to get my hopes up really. I think we do need time apart, be it temporary or forever. He was adamant that the relationship was over however. He said the last time we spoke on Friday that he "didn't want to be out of my life" but I'm not sure whether he was just saying that to make me feel better.