I'm a survivor

I'm moving my child abuse journal over here since it's a bit more private. I thought about making the journal totally private since the topic is uncomfortable for most but I want other people who have been in this position to know they aren't alone. (this is how I felt for a year prior to my transformation, like a ghost!)

Today is Day 4

I feel more refreshed. I did a lot of working through things yesterday, untangling all the confusing thoughts in my head and after releasing them on the forum they aren't residing in me anymore. Success!

So, let's see. It's Sunday, and I plan to do some studying, enjoy the storm outside, maybe do some cooking, and of course try to relax. I experience significant impairment from the anxiety. Since I spent about a year working on my self esteem, I think in the near future I'll be able to overcome the most debilitating part of it.

I dug myself into a pretty deep hole, which I'm not proud of, over the years. Deep for me, anyway. Now that I've eliminated so many toxic people from my life, I can actually breathe.

These are some things I want to improve:

1.my energy level--I feel physically very tired all the time despite how energetic I am in spirit

2.not being able to trust people

3.not being able to put myself out there

4.feeling lonely

I wonder how many days it will take until I really feel like a survivor and not someone still in the thick of things. Even compared with my condition 4 months ago in May, I have dramatically improved and it really is thanks to having this outlet. I just feel so glad to be alive and no longer a prisoner of my abusive parents.

Day 5

I've broken the last toxic connection, this one was only in my head but I finally did it. I told myself that I love myself enough that I know I deserve better than this ridiculous treatment. How did it come to this? I don't know what I've been thinking all these months, thinking that it's forgivable for him to abandon me as long we get back together in the end.

Goals for Day 5: I had a surprisingly good day yesterday, and I have so much more energy than I had even a week ago. But I had a slight relapse in feeling very down about myself and self worth. I'd also like to keep focusing on myself, as I mentioned in my old journal. Part of my inner child work is tending to the needs of that child, to recap I have healed the youngest ages but I'm working up to middle school/high school. You are allowed to do dumb things and act like a kid right now. Just enjoy yourself. Sing along to lame pop songs if you want. Be absorbed in the world around you, strictly for your own benefit. Anyway, I'm having trouble letting go and allowing myself to actually do the work because I feel self conscious about it. I can do it!

Day 6

I have found a really good way to cope with self destructive behaviors and negative thoughts. I just keep saying to myself, don't you deserve better than that? This works well on my diet, tendency to procrastinate, etc...When I think of it that way, it doesn't seem like an escape anymore, it's just suffering--which is so true!

When I think of X, I just think the same thing. I finally found the courage to liberate myself from all those negative thoughts and people. I don't know if everything is going to work out, but it's finally getting to me that---I've got to go, hopefully I can edit this later.

Sometimes my work environment is hostile, so I need to remember that there is no external cure for resentment. I'm stronger than this!!!

I knew I didn't want to waste my energies on being upset with this chick and I am so glad I didn't give in. Exercising my will power is becoming a little bit easier for me. I don't feel so reactive all the time. I think this is what psychology calls an internal locus of control. I know I can't stop saying this, but it's seriously life changing how much better I feel knowing that I am in charge of my emotional stability--and no one else! I feel like everyone should feel this way? Do they? One weird thing about this process is that I feel more like an island. I present myself differently and I don't give off this vibe anymore--that says manipulate me. It's all so new to me. We'll see how this changes when I get into a new relationship, but right now I feel pretty unstoppable (in terms of at least being confident).

Day 7--I want to make good choices. I want to basically keep doing what I'm doing. Remain self-absorbed (in my head at least.) Challenge myself. Be healthy.

Day 8

Today is a very bad day. I really think my ex is going to marry his current girlfriend. I can't stop thinking about them. I thought he'd marry her the first time I ever saw her picture. I actually think they are perfect for each other, especially because in the end he's kind of a horrible guy. I wouldn't want to be her, there is just no way he'll be faithful to her. It's just driving me crazy, I don't see what he sees in her. She is so bland, just average in every way. Not to mention she seems like she has no backbone, clingy and basically changed so much about herself to be with him. I can understand that too, though. People are allowed to change, sometimes they don't know what they want until someone else introduces them to it.

I know I don't need to be happy for them, but I don't know why I'm so devastated. It really shouldn't be the case. I really wish I was the one that got to be part of his family, do fun things with them, and be one who gets to hang out with him every day. I wonder if it'll help to realize that the reality is really different then how it looks on paper.

They all seem so happy, but I know that's probably not true. From what I remember (but what if it was just me!! what if I was the one causing all the strife in their family.) they were not that happy. They were never relaxed, and there was constant unresolved tension. In any case, from how they treated me, there is no way they are actually good people right? I feel so alienated.

One of the worst things about this experience is that you know, basically, when you're bullied, the bullies don't care. Their lives go on completely unchanged but the aftermath of their hostility is crippling me. Great. I don't know if I am stronger than this. It's just so depressing.

At least I know I've healed enough that I could theoretically hold my head high if I ever run into them. I told myself that I'd never let my ex or his family see me cry and they won't.

I'm just not sure who is going to feel more right for me. If he's forgotten me, I don't understand why I'm having such a hard time doing the same. Part of me feels so upset that he doesn't care what he is missing. He doesn't need me. He looks happier than I've ever seen him. It's kind of weird. He really must have not be happy with me despite all the things he said...right? I really wish he would have been more clear about why he changed his mind about wanting marry me. I just think about how much he cried when he said I'd make someone very happy someday even if it wasn't him.

I seriously don't want my life to be this tragedy. It was unfair of him to do this to me, the least he could have done, is what I did for him. I told my (other) ex that I met someone who made me happy. He never even said that to me. That's all I wanted to hear, I think deserved that. I just wanted him to say, I met someone that I really like and I'm sorry but I don't love you anymore. I guess he eventually told me months later that he didn't love me anymore so I need to believe it.

I'm giving myself 48 hours to believe that he doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't love me, he's a different person now, and it's too late. I can't go on like this anymore. I'll post when I actually get through this.

Here I am second guessing myself again!! why is he looking for me on the internet if he's so happy with her? ________ is pretty overprotective so maybe she's kind of manipulative. I'd prefer to think the best of both of them because otherwise this story is really creepy and weird on all sides, especially mine.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the part of the Little Mermaid (the Disney one) where the octopus queen or whatever she is turns herself into that girl who tries to steal Ariel's man. He's not worth fighting for though, as much as I love him. I'm going nuts. I'm really not that desperate...I just wish this never happened. It's like watching the alternate ending of a movie, the one that the directors sometimes include in your dvd, and you're like thank god they never went with that. wow it just sucks

I guess comparing the relationship to all these stories is a passable way to cope. During the worst of it, Angels in America was my comfort food. It reminded me that it's common for people to lose their significant others during a personal crisis. And that it's okay if you don't ever want to forgive them even if you would do anything to go back. Seriously, I just want to not cry every day. I want my life back. It's not fair. I can't tell you how many times I've had my own little dance like louis and walter do in walter's dream. This is just terrible. What I want is to fall deeply in love with someone that I love more than I ever loved him. I have to forgive myself, it's okay that this happened. It doesn't mean that I don't deserve to have the best, it doesn't mean that 'god' hates me and that I'm doomed to live an always slightly lonely life and that in the back of my mind I'll always wish that we were together. I can't live like that. I don't think it's that I have too pride to wait until we have better shot at actually having a successful relationship. It's that I couldn't forgive him for never believing in me, leaving me I when I had no one in the world, and lying to me.

I just think about all the nights I'd wait, I'd be waiting all day just so we could have our nightly chats and I never had a clue that he was pursuing all these different people. So what if I looked at his email? I don't even think that is an invasion of privacy. I definitely found what I was looking for. Yeah, it sucks, so he said of bunch of stuff to me that wasn't true. It wasn't true. Now he has ______. It seems to all make sense now that's all happened.

He has made so many new memories now with her, I don't know how he'd have any space for any of ours. I need to remember that part of problem is that I haven't made enough new memories to compete with the ones from our relationship. It won't be bad when I'm finally actually happy. But I'm so heartbroken, it's the worst feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. I don't understand how I can feel like this. There has got to be a way for me to get better.

At least I dealt with all the crazy family stuff. My mom is really creepy, I can't even look at her. I'm okay with that now though. I don't care anymore about her. I know we'll never be a family, she was right. She never wanted that, because she's insane. What a life I've been given. All I wanted was a healthy family.

So back to _______. I'm dying inside. For a while I really feel like I was dying. I feel so silly, he's like on top of world and I'm having a meltdown!!! I've gotten through most of the anger but I thought after the anger you were supposed to go to acceptance or something. Why I am going back into depression? It makes no sense. I love you!!! you are a freak but I am madly in love with you and I will never ever tell you that. I'm sure you'd recognize my worth now. but who cares! I'd do have some pride. I'm definitely malicious enough that I'd never let you see how I'm doing. but that's only because I still love you...

So basically this what I need to do. I need to accept it's really over. Then, I need to accept that maybe I'd be willing to give another shot someday. No I hate him. I just can't forgive him. see it's happening again...It's over...he's going to marry her, they are building a life together, one that is meaningful and that's just how it is. Just forget about it. I can't....I don't know what to do! I'm not going to settle for anything less than I deserve. I deserve the best, this not remotely the best. I deserve to be pursued by someone who actually appreciates me.

At least I worked through one thing, I'm not as annoyed that he doesn't miss me. I'm just sad that he's not with me. I can probably get over that. Soon!! I need out of this headspace!!

okay last post, I know this is my healing from abuse journal but it all ties into my feelings of abandonment so I think it's okay to clog it up with my one sided relationship drama. A note to _____:

Let's just say I give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it was hard for you, much harder than I'm giving you credit for. Your concerns were all legitimate, I'm sorry I never addressed any of them. I was too scared, and I didn't trust you anymore after you broke up with me. There was nothing either of us could have done at the time. You don't have to feel guilty. Sometimes I think you're mad at me. Are you? I don't really believe you're in love with her, you're too smart for that...this is just hurting me, isn't it? _______, I don't understand why you did this. I know you're just going to regret what you did when we each other next. You might believe you did the right thing now but I have a feeling you'll be depressed when you see me again. You were right when you thought that I'd decide to move on. I think that's why you were always so mad that I wanted to cut contact forever and that's why you didn't send me my things.

Please forgive me for never contacting you again. You can throw my stuff out...I guess since you're not kind enough to send it. I won't be acknowledging you in any public space. It's what you deserve. I told you it didn't have to be that way! We could have been friends, I wanted that, from the very beginning.

I know you think it's my fault for being such a weakling who couldn't get past her problems. You're right, in some respects...but maybe you see now that I deserved at least some respect from you. I didn't deserve to be throw around like a toy while you made up your mind. Why were you mad at me? Because I never took you seriously. I know that's all true, and I was never any good to you and I regret that every single day of my life. I don't know, I guess I was in the wrong but how I was supposed to know if I trust you? Especially considering how badly it all ended?

If I could go back now you know I'd change my whole life so that I'd actually be prepared to love you. I'm sorry. I forgive you for leaving me. I don't know if you were or are mature enough for a real relationship. I love you very much and you changed everything for me. Because of you I'm so much happier, it's crazy that even being completely heartbroken is about 1000 times better than how I felt before I knew you. You know, I'm a pretty jealous person and I don't think I could forgive you for loving someone else, even if it was just kind of a coping mechanism or a fluke. I know I've loved people and realized later that it wasn't really love but I'd think about how I was dying and you never even thought about me...that image would just haunt me forever. It just hurts way too much. You doing all the things we were supposed to do together, especially at this point in our lives. I wanted to see you grow up and now I'll never get that.

I'll never get grow up with anyone because I'm a adult now. This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to be married to the person I grew up with, you took that away from me. Do you understand why I don't/can't really look at you? This has changed the entire course of my life, and you treated it so trivially. That' why every minute I spend crying about this feels like a minute I'm wasting on a legitimate relationship. I've already have to take the journey alone, this was never my plan.

So you can have her, she's not anything even close to as wonderful as I am. It's pretty obvious. But I can't gloat about that because she has all your time, you ruined that for us. I didn't ruin it. Please stop blaming me for the mistakes you made.

So getting back in the dating game is good. At least it makes me feel a little less insane. Luckily, I have no intention of getting sucked into any relationship, not least of all an unhealthy codependent one.

I've never used an online dating site, but I'm surprised by how the pool of potential partners is not as limited as I once thought. There are lots of really decent and smart people trying it I guess. One thing though that is bugging me is that because of being cheated on, I'm more suspicious than I used to be. It never bothered me that things are undefined in the beginning, and that both people are free to flirt with other people. Now, my mind keeps wandering to the fact that these guys I'm talking to are communicating with tons of other girls! ugh thanks ______, the fun never ends.

anyway, I'm not used to being so open to rejection either. It actually kind of sucks when you message someone and they don't respond. I need to get used to this though! I guess I never thought people wouldn't bother to get back to me. because I'm pretty and somewhat interesting.

I felt so safe when I had a boyfriend, because I didn't have to worry about the big bad world so much. Now I basically have to improve everything if I want to attract the caliber of person I want.

This cannot turn into my dating journal though!

Day 9....refocus.

Day 9:

I wanted to mention the tremendous success I have had in treating my inner child of 10 through my pre teen years. Every time I address a specific period of development, I feel more like myself at the age I really am. It's weird to feel like all these spirits are leaving me. I know, what the hell am I saying right? It's just some thing people made up because it makes them feel better. But I swear these people feel real, they have physical characteristics and are like shadows of my younger selves. They have been a comfort to me in a very lonely time in my life.

Now I'm almost done with the most intensive part of my inner child work. I don't know what I'm going to do without it fall back on. It'll just be me, being accountable for my actions. There will be no more past to blame or explain my actions. Yikes. It's liberating of course but I have come to depend on being traumatized in many ways. Now I have to play by the same rules as everyone else!!

I know it's really superstitious of me, but I'm wondering why ______ came out of hiding when I finally decided to let go! I really do feel like we are connected in a way. He always understood me better than anyone else. Which is weird, because I don't think I understand him very well. Maybe because he's not a very well formed person. Each time he changes I feel like ahh, so that makes sense. I'm willing to explore other options now though, I can't change my current situation. He was having tons of sex with her when I couldn't even look at another guy, we're clearly not on the same page.

especially between victims and victimizers---I really feel like there is a very strange connection. My mom used to be the same way, it was like she could read my mind. But now she doesn't have a clue, and she is beginning to catch on. That's part of breaking the cycle of abuse.

So it's thursday morning..I'm not keeping track of the days well, is it Day 9 or 10?

I think it is 10.

I can't believe an entire year has passed since starting my healing journey, more like a year and a half! I feel pretty normal now but I'm afraid that any kind of new conflict is going to open up these barely healed wounds. I'm so sick of being screwed up.

I really can't believe I lived in such secrecy all those years. I never told a soul about all the horrible things I experienced and witnessed in my family. I still don't understand how they had that much control over me. I should have told someone, at least my grandparents or something. They are very passive people though, I'm sure they know more than they let on...All these turn the other cheek types make me ill. Thanks parents for alienating me from everyone with my victimhood. The more I understand what happened to me, the more horrible they seem. Just terrible and very strange people.

It's such a relief to be on my own. I'm not part of their creepy circle of violence anymore. I wish I would have just escaped in high school. What was I thinking? There is nothing more precious than my freedom, not even all the fanciful ideas I had about childhood or being a teenager could have compensated for that. I don't know why I thought it would have been better to just pretend I was like everyone else.

To think, I might have never left them.

However, I still think about what it would have been like if I had the maturity of my twenty something self at about 10. I know I said it before somewhere but maybe they wouldn't have been abusive. I read on the internet that part of the problem with abusive parents is that they underestimate the demands and needs of a child. If I would have been more mature, I could have just been an independent person and just taken care of myself. I'm not sure what this would have meant in the grand scheme of things.

I feel like both my parents have an innate need to hurt other people, and that as a child, their child, I was the best target. My mother is very creepy with other kids, she gets mad really easily and grabs their arms acts well, kind of violent. I think if she was alone with any child, she would quickly escalate to abuse. My dad is the same way, given prolonged contact with any child, he would take advantage of them.

That makes me feel a little better. I know that it would have been a constant uphill battle to overcome their tendencies. I don't think it would have mattered what I did. If I was a more compliant teenager, they would have probably started depending on me even more. I couldn't take that responsibility as a child or teenager. I almost feel like they had me so I could fulfill their every need. Entertainment, housework, prestige, basically everything hinged on me from the moment I was born. That's crazy.

I think about the way my mom used to scream at me. It was always about how she felt I wasn't meeting her needs. She honestly thinks I owe her something, just because I'm her child. She never did anything to raise me, and she still thinks I owe her the world. It's disgusting. I am so glad I'm not that pathetic. My dad is sort of the same way, but more distant. He just wants to do the dead beat dad thing, but be praised as a good parent at the same time. They are so weird!!

I wish I wouldn't have been so ashamed of them. Their behavior is definitely beyond shameful, but they are completely crazy. I don't know why I thought they deserve to be treated as my equals when they clearly don't. I should have just treated them like children, and coaxed any necessary cash out of them delicately. I wish I would have had control of the family finances from the very beginning. I would have made much better investments and bought much better property. I wish I could have just gotten rid of them all together.

So, no windfalls are coming from their direction, I have to understand that. They are not very smart, and they will just continue to lose money and I need to accept that. Their little success was a fluke, and thankfully I benefited from that for a few years. Now I need to recognize that I come from a really lower class background. I have to do everything myself and not rely on anyone.

I have to say I'm proud of myself.

I really am a survivor! I've had to be stronger than most.

link removed

Just heard about self psychology. It sounds like something I would be interested in. Not sure how popular this is in the therapeutic community

Today the seriousness of my situation has hit me harder than ever.

My parents are abusive psychos...I have no family. Extended family is no help either, especially because I know that abusive people are usually made, not born. I know more than most that almost everything we have in life we are given by the kindness of others. But I can't depend on anyone, really.

I've finally disengaged from everything messed up thing my mother says to me. Haven't spoken to my so called father in years. I just can't believe how bad this is. To think I always thought I had somehow caused my mom to be abusive to me! Basically, my interactions with her now just consist of me just escaping into numbness whenever she talks to me, I try not to look mad or something because I know this could bode very badly for me.

I'm honestly afraid for my safety. I imagine her snapping one day and trying to kill me. The reason I think she is capable of this is that she has nothing to lose. She's a marginal person with no connection to the outside world other than work.

I've realized I can't trust anything she says, she has lied to my face now in very obvious ways so I know she's just completely crazy, well, more like evil. I wonder why she's such a bad person! Her side of the family euphemistically refer to our situation me fighting with my mother! oh please...she's obviously an unstable, obsessive liar. I have no desire to fight with anyone and it's pretty obvious.

I think she thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. Why she thinks that is beyond me. She seriously spends all her time cultivating her unhealthy and scary obsession. She just gets worse the older I get. I'm afraid she wants to be me, and she's beginning to realize that's not going to happen so she's trying to do everything she can to make my life miserable (which is quite a feat, considering I avoid her most of the time and try not to process anything she says. I literally let it go in one ear and out the other.) Sometimes she writes me notes about how I'll be fine without a family because I have a pretty face. She's so awful!

I really can't wait to cut contact with her for the rest of my life!! what a relief that will be. I just hope I'm not damaged beyond repair.

I used to hate coming home because she had photos of me up ALL over her house, which is really creepy considering she hates my guts. It kind of reminded me those scenes in movies or shows where you see the murderer's house and the scary evidence of their obsession is everywhere. I had every right to be terrified. This is all terrifying.

I know it may be hard for any person out there to understand why I didn't understand how wrong this was until this point. Part of me really didn't want to face it, and part of me had compassion for this monster. I was basically forced to have compassion for her because of societal rules---people really need to be educated about child abuse!! I'm considering becoming an advocate because no one should ever have to suffer like this. Child abuse victims need major rehabilitation, which is costly and not an investment with the highest return but people as whole should be required to help people like me. Over the years, all my well meaning friends have come to realize that abuse is no joke, it's not something that can be fixed by trying to make nice. We really are dealing with dangerous and unpredictable people. No one wants to live in an unsafe home, never knowing what to expect.

Day 11--I've learned to stand up for myself over the years. I feel really compelled to speak out on this publicly when I'm able! I'm not ashamed of my past anymore. I just need to find a way to get others to really listen. By the way, I used to get pigeonholed into being encouraged to pursue social work or teaching just because of these feelings. big UGH to that. That's like telling a feminist to become a women's study professor. all fine of course, but being a victim is not everything I am! I deserve to speak out against domestic violence AND pursue the life I've always dreamed of.

OK, I am taking the first steps toward being proactive for my safety today.

I'm buying some pepper spray and a stun gun (is that what people call a tazer?) today. I really don't feel safe and I feel I need some real protection.

If my mother was ever going to attack me, I would assume she'd use a knife because she is too lazy to think out any sort of elaborate plan. Thankfully, this is an area where her flaws work to my advantage. I should never under estimate her though.

I am telling others that I do not feel safe in case something happens to me. I could imagine her also trying to roast me in my sleep so that's not exactly comforting. Not sure how you protect yourself against arson.

Now all the possibilities are starting to freak me out. Like what if she tries to disfigure me with acid or something. At least then I could go on a talk show and get someone to sponsor my reconstructive surgery...I don't think I can protect myself from every possible scenario.

I just have to make it, but I've never tried to escape from her clutches before. I have no idea how she is going to react. I had no idea she was really kind of a dangerous person. I'm so scared.

I think I'm going to try to get some protection against guns too. I know it sounds really extreme but I'm so scared. I'd sleep with a bulletproof vest on if I could.

And then after I take these steps I'm going to get a restraining order in a couple of months. The only thing I'm wondering though, is how does a restraining order stop someone with murderous or some kind of criminal intent? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to present any evidence for the restraining order, since I delete all my emails from her so that I don't get fixated on her negativity. I tried recording her tantrums covertly but I think she caught on because she doesn't throw them anymore...

Another thing I noticed on the forum from reading about the experiences of other people with abusive parents is that these parents are all so similar. Many of them have no or few connections to other people, blame the child/children or the stress of child rearing for their lack of productivity, and expect their child/children to take care of them, and the big one: no matter the circumstances, they never change. People are so freaky, I never used to be afraid of the outside world because I never really considered the dangers and now I often feel so unsafe! At the end of the day all the rules we make are not enforceable, we just convince ourselves that the rules are more powerful than we are. At a certain point, some people lose touch with humanity and start writing their own rules. In the center of every evil or crazy person's universe, I'm sure there is a moral code they follow that they believe is the real truth. I'm realizing the disconnect between my own beliefs and actions as well, being a good person is a choice one has to make constantly!

I feel much safer knowing that I'm slightly more protected should something crazy happen. The likelihood of this is low, but I want to be prepared no matter what.

I feel like distancing myself from my family even further. Day 12? Day 12 (if I'm correct) is going to be about being my own person--a person not crippled by the effects of abuse. What will that bring today?

In keeping with this theme, in coming out of my shell in a way, I've had to deal with all the lost time I spent caring care of my parents and not developing my own identity. So it's hard, doing things like dating when the people I want to be with are so much more accomplished than I am. It's been fun figuring this out, and seeing that there are so many guys/men out there that share my values, my tastes and seem pretty compatible with me. That's encouraging.

but it's hard to explain to anyone who doesn't know me well what I went through. Not that I plan to advertise this, but wow...it's crazy trying to assimilate. It's really hard and taxing on the souuul. I'm more confident than probably ever but also very apprehensive about my limitations. This is really lame but I've been collecting fortunes from chinese takeout, they have all been really good! stuff like: an unexpected windfall will soon be yours, your dreams will come true when you least expect it, and stuff like that.

I know it's really irrational of me but I hold these fortunes pretty dear to me. I feel like I have an advocate, from above or something. I really need that.

12 days since starting an active healing journal. I'm beginning to find it a little tedious since it's not like thing change that much in less than 2 weeks. But, weirdly, I've changed in surprising ways. I can even see from the difference in my writing.

Have you ever experienced a true worst case scenario? Not having a family, and worse, having a dangerous and unpredictable one has almost broken my spirit. I don't mean to sing my own praises, considering this hasn't been an asset for me at all, and my niceness is probably more of a manifestation of my attachment issues but, I'm too damn nice. I always want everyone to like me. I have a really hard time with rejection. You know, because I don't have any support. That's one thing that has changed, I don't expect people to like me anymore. The amazing thing is that my new attitude has made it possible for me to act like a more respectable person. I cherish the loyalties I have mustered and try to ignore toxic influences instead of trying to accommodate them. When I write things like this I feel so developmentally retarded. I have to get it out somewhere...

I think it'll help me today if I also muster the strength to deal with rejection after getting the box back from my ex. I just can't seem to accept that he's not my friend, and he's not in love with me, and that we just don't have any connection anymore. If he came back, I don't know it way too late to consider this now but maybe I never loved him. I know I'll never find out if that's the case until I really have moved on in my heart, which hasn't happened yet. How I could abandon my first love right? I had so many boyfriends before that just didn't measure up. I don't want to go back to that. Especially because love is almost ridiculously fickle.

I was having so much fun talking to lots of guys until I found out about the box. I felt like he was still an option until that point. Ugh he must hate me!! It sucks when people hate you, even if they don't deserve your friendship. I don't know why I want to be friends so badly. Again, it's the rejection thing. I feel like he didn't respect me and I want to prove myself to him. I really could do it, almost, now. I'm so close to that point. The point where I could take him or leave him but I still want him to feel like I would have been worth fighting for. I hate that he may never know! What can I do though, this is the situation. I have no power to go up to him and say, look at me now...life just goes on. There is like this hole in my heart for the future I 'could have' had. But in it, I'd have to change so many things about him. and then I start thinking about how fickle I am and how I'm not really that loyal in the end.

I betrayed my family right? in a way. I'm capable of detaching from important people. I'm worried I'll never be able to make a relationship work! There it is. I'm afraid that I'm not a good enough person to be loyal to someone for the rest of my life. I'm just worried that person who would make me that comfortable is never going to come along. I should just stop worrying so much about it. I've finally made marriage a much lower priority in my life and I'm single, and I'm okay. I think it's fun being young and having my whole life ahead of me. I have this sense of optimism, but then there is this missing part of me--that is completely traumatized by the breakup. I feel like I was severed from my soul mate, I'm just crazy right? Soul mates don't have sex with other people, they don't have to be apart and they don't let their significant other suffer.

I enjoy the distractions from the heartache. I've learned to live with the pain. I don't expect anything from my ex. I'm just not okay! I don't know, what I want is to move on without feeling guilty, like I just ruined the universe's plan for my happiness or something. Or more like my own. Maybe you know, I feel like nature's urging me to seek out these exciting new horizons but I keep asking why me? I'm so disappointed. Almost like I don't care how wonderful things are supposed to be around the corner, I just want what I wanted at that particular time two years ago. Further I'd like to give the universe the finger if it brings me back to ______, how cruel to keep us away. I really hope I'm not like 80 still missing him. That would suck so much. When I get married, I need to know that I'm with the person I always wanted to be with.

I keep saying it, but I need stop being such a coward. All I ever do, is stand at the edge of cliff looking down at inviting water, thinking about how someday, I'm going to build a parachute to slowly carry me. My heart is really broken, and I need to accept the loss for what it is. I'm going to try to do a better job of it right now:

1. I only have one life to live

2. I lost one person I could have loved forever

3. but, this happens sometimes. sometimes people even die when you really need them

4. It's okay to move on

5. I will and can find happiness

6. It's possible to find a greater love, or a different love that just as wonderful.

7. Life's gifts are plentiful and I shouldn't be afraid of that.

So there, there's life after loss. He's found love now, I guess. I can't believe this is actually my life. I think it's getting through finally. It's really really hard. You think you're special and the older you get the more you discover you're not, you change and the things you want change so much. It's just a lot of change to deal with. I thought that if we could stay together then my life would have more meaning. So he wakes up in the morning, delighted to have her in his bed. I guess it's the last horrible truth I have to swallow.

I don't have a family, and we're never going to make a family. He doesn't love me, and my family doesn't love me. I don't know why but that is how it is. That quote, the really famous one, the serenity prayer. I have some power to make good things happen for me.

I feel much more relieved after this. It was a major moment. Those were the two scariest truths I had to confront, without being sentimental. I always find something to love about people I am or used to be close to. It's hard to force yourself not to feel anything but I'm really committed to making it work for me. Right now, it's the best thing for me, because I can't solve all my problems. That was the reason I came here. I wanted to know that. It's like hitting rock bottom.

I wanted to add I realized is that it's really beneficial to be totally honest about my feelings. I don't work things out sometimes because I have this mental block against my true feelings. Working through things rationally and trying to understand myself has been the only I've been able to grow.

Confidence--just jotting this down quickly, someone noted that having confidence in yourself can get you through the toughest times, even when you aren't expecting them. It's kind of shield against traumatic events like breakups or losing a job.

That's where I would like to be. I want to have a sense of inner peace.

Adolescence ties into this for me. I missed that because I was always so worried about my parents. I was never really evaluating who I was, since I was being abused/controlled/manipulated and not allowed to think for myself or be my own person at all. It's really scary but I'm just so thankful everyday to have some peace of mind, as fragile as it all is right now. I hope I get a chance to see what life is really all about, free from all this.

I find myself thinking about my values, seeing the outside world through very different eyes than I have in the past. Thinking about who I want to be in the world, what I want to stand for and be see as. I never had body image issues until recently too. I never thought of myself as female. It's crazy, considering how many relationships I've been in but I always felt like a blob or something. I love being a woman now...it's a really good feeling to begin to like who I am, and to even start knowing who I am and start pursuing my own dreams.