Excruciating pain

Hi everyone, I'm new here and need advice and some clarity... I will try to make this as short as possible.

I met him online 9 years ago, and after meeting and a lot of paperwork (different countries) we started living together (been living together for 5 years now)

To make things short, the last 2 years I was depressed and not feeling too great about my body/self esteem, so maybe I was a bit in my own world but I never stopped doing loving things or caring about him. He says I ignored him and made him feel unattractive.

A year ago my dad got diagnosed cancer and I had to spend a lot of time with my family. We knew it was terminal so I also wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, so the boy started going out more and more with his mates and probably got a taste of single life.

Then I started hearing from common friends, he wanted to leave me but couldn't because of my dad, was saying I was jealous and controlling, etc. He started getting messages on his phone from girls, he said it was just friends and he didn't want anything with anyone.

In June I confronted him about some stuff and he said he needed to leave. He has been gone pretty much since then but still came home when it suited him, still called me and wanted to meet etc. I can't take it anymore and miss him like crazy. Everytime I call he's always out or with mates.

The thing is, I want to work on things and fix it. But he says he can't live with me because he wants to "find himself". Granted he's far from his country and feels depressed. What he proposes is he lives in one flat and I live in a different flat, and we see each other.

I don't think I can do that. But he says "it would lead to living together again" and that hurts because of course that's what I want.

I can't wrap my head around that concept when we lived together for 5 years.

Why does he want that arrangement? What is going on?

I'm sorry your feeling like this my gf of 4.5 years left me 2 weeks ago so I know how your feeling.

This guy sounds like he wants his cake and eat it live in different flats and "see" eachother. You deserve so much better than that.

As hard as it is you said it yourself he got a taste of the single life.

The one thing I've learned from this forum and I haven't been here long but you are not alone and this is great place to get support and get things off you chest.

You will be ok x

What you have here is a guy with the perfect excuse, he left his country because of you. If the real cause of his problems was missing his homeland I can guarantee you he would be back there long time ago, instead of being still in your country hanging out with his mates. While your dad was sick he was out on parties, instead of supporting you thru that rough period, but somehow he is a victim of that situation as well, even went as far as telling your friends "he is so good he is keeping with a monster (you) just because her dad is sick".

He wants that agreement because he wants to keep partying, without no responsibility or commitment to you. The day he finds another girl you will be history. Also if you are still sleeping with him, he gets the milk for free no need to live in with you.

I don't know what's his immigration status, but is possible he strings you along for those purposes too.

This is someone who has no consideration, respect, empathy, honesty towards you as a person.

You either accept his terms or decline his offer. The situation has escalated and is out of your hands. The only way for you to gain control over your situation, is admitting to yourself that maybe he is not so awesome and is time to let him go.

Thank you guys, I wanted to know what someone else thinks in case I'm crazy or not understanding for thinking living separated now is weird.

This boy has a lot of baggage, had a horrible childhood and I know he is very depressed right now. But I want to help him, I told him let's go to therapy, let's fix things.

I don't know what to do I really don't. I feel worthless, completely unattractive, soooo low. Like I couldn't make someone love me enough to stay.

Why do I love him when he clearly wants out?

That's the hardest part. Trying to forget or move on from someone you still love.

With me I just had to tell myself that she doesn't want me anymore over and over and although that kills me after nearly 5 years together I have to tell myself that cause I need to move on and I need to do it with dignity and that means not begging or pleading with her to come back.

Every situation is different and for you, you need to look at the big picture and not think that need this guy cause you don't want to be alone that was my fear I was torn up at the beginning cause I was scared of being alone. But you need to do what is best for YOU.

How are you coping so far? We haven't lived together since June really, got intimate a couple times during summer but I said NEVER AGAIN if we aren't "together".

Haven't gone NC because he always calls in the end. I know this is just holding me back, at the same time I don't know how to NOT answer the phone but I always get my hopes up. He says we could meet for lunch, I say I can't meet if we aren't together and BAM, depressed again

I feel so lonely. My dad passed 10 days ago, and I have to deal with all this on top...

I'm coping as well as I can really. Get good days where I feel like I'm back to my old self then I wake up the next day feeling like I'm dying. My situation is different to yours as she hasn't contacted me at all which I can look at in two ways. 1) she cares enough about my feelings and doesn't want to give me false hope by ringing/texting. 2) she has completely cut me off hope it's not that one.

The worst feeling for me and I think everyone when this happens to is the loneliness even though there are people around me who care mates and family it's not the same as what she gave me.

Really sorry to hear about your father.

I can never understand why people do this to the ones they care or cared about. Want to meet up and hook up then they say they don't want to be in a relationship. Surely they can see what it does to people.

Do you think he would ever change? If then answer is no you need to start NC cause the type of relationship it is at the moment isn't fair on you.

I understand the feeling... I'm trying to keep mysef distracted but sometimes I just want to die. It was raining here today and I have always loved rainy afternoons to just get naked in bed and be lazy and lovey dovey... I wanted to die from sadness.

You can be around friends and family, but it is NEVER the same, I understand what you mean completely.

I really don't know what's better, contact or no contact. With contact they just keep you hanging and everytime they call you get your hopes up just to hear confirmation that you have been dumped. With no contact you feel worthless and forgotten.

I don't know whether he will change... but I don't know, even if he wants to get back together in say 6 moths, whether I could do it because I would always wonder what he's been up to during that time.

We had to go through so much to be together, we would spend HOURS on the phone talking, crying, needing each other so much... he said I was the love of his life, and now it's over just like that.

I'm 27 years old, I feel I should be settling down and even married by now, and I have to start all over again...

I think everyone thinks that I'm nearly 24 but I keep thinking I'll never find someone else but life changes so quickly that everyone moves on and new things happen. I'm thinking about applying for a job in the states now as things seem to be better over there in my line of work, and if something good comes from this breakup then I have to take it.

27 is nothing, you've got so much time to do all the things you want twice over before worrying about settling down. Well that's my 2 cents.

Yeah the friends and family thing is never the same that's what's so great about this site that people in the same situations can help eachother out. Vent all your frustrations on here or pm me if you want to get stuff off your chest I've found sharing it so comforting and it's stopped me bottling it up.

That's great that you're thinking about applying for a job in the States! I hope it goes well!!

I've thought about applying for the London College of Fashion. I need a lot of money and to build a portfolio first, which should keep me entertained... we'll see. Everything in this city brings me memories. Maybe I will escape for a while, I have a good job here though so I have to really consider it.

I know exactly what you mean. I feel I will never find anyone else either. We had an amazing connection, same sense of humour, tastes, the sex was beyond amazing. I just feel hollow now, and I know meanwhile he's out getting what he wants - single life and fun. Why wasn't I worth it? Oh well...

Do it! That's what you need something to work on and take your mind off things. I know it's easier said than done tho.

Yeah that's hard part letting go of the memories and that connection you have with someone I drive past somewhere or go for a walk in a certain place and it all comes back. I just don't want to feel like this for months and months but I guess that's up to me.

I hope everything works out great for you which ever way you go with it.

Thanks Day88!!

If someone else can offer their views on the situation I would greatly appreciate it!

I feel horrible, yesterday I asked him to return his key if he wasn't going to be living with me anymore (he had been coming home even though he moved his stuff out a month ago) and I feel soo bad now for doing it.

I don't know what to do, I miss him so bad and I want to text and tell him. I feel so lost.

I think you're making the right decision. Sit him down and tell him if he wants to fix things, then he should do it. Don't do this over text as these things need to be said in person so the emotion behind it is understood. His actions are showing he has no interest in bettering himself or the relationship, and his actions are what count. It's not possible, nor is it your responsibility, to fix someone - if he wants therapy he will find his way there.

My ex and I had major issues because of his depression and the way it caused him to behave towards me. I realised that I loved him, but that I was basically staying in the relationship to help him - big mistake. He ended up dumping me because he thought I was trying to control him by getting him off the drugs and alcohol he became dependant on and subsequently took a turn for the worse and hit rock bottom. Only at that point did HE come to the realisation that he needed help, which he got, and we're giving it a second go and he is a completely different person. But for all the talks I had with him, the arguments, trying to make him see what he was doing to not only me but everyone who was trying to support him, and what he was doing to himself, it took months and a really bad situation for him to see the light.

Basically what I'm saying is if he wants to 'find himself', then let him go. You can only help yourself, and that goes for everyone. My mistake was hanging on because I thought I was going to make a difference - I learned quickly that's not the case when he dumped me for trying to help him He needed to learn for himself. More than likely so does your boyfriend. He'll come around when he's ready, but I wouldn't put your life on hold waiting for him to do that.

Like I said, I would sit him down and explain the entire situation to him - your answer will be in his actions from that point forward, though I think you already know what it will be and now it's just a case of letting go. Focus on you and making yourself a better person, and let him run off with his friends to spend his days drunk. If the only effort he's making is to swing by your place for a few hours, then I would seriously pack it up and call it a day. He wants the safety net of knowing you're there waiting while he's out doing God knows what. If he wants a relationship, he will start acting like it, instead of making promises and continuing the behaviour.

Hi Ruby. I am going through a similar situation. I certainly feel your pain. Like your guy, my girl of 5 years seems to be breaking it off so that she can find herself, saying "I just want to move on with my life." This hurts so much, because I liked our life together.

As for your situation, I read on this self-help website that guys and girls do breaking-up a bit differently.

Girls make up their minds and do the breaking-up decisively and instantaneously.

Guys, on the other hand, "leap-frog" into a new relationship from the old.

In other words, he won't completely break it off with you until he feels secure with a new place to latch onto. He's hedging his bet. If his new attempts at love are unsuccessful, you're the fallback.

Trust me, I know this is beyond what you want to hear. I am crying for you as I type this. Logically, the best thing we could both do in our respective situations is to cut off all contact and dedicate ourselves to doing that. But, giving up hope seems so implausible, doesn't it? To accept it, means to give up. And, I'm just not ready for that. I know she won't come back. I'm not even sure if I REALLY want her to. After all, when that trust is broken, can it ever be repaired?

Even if your boyfriend comes back and tries to live with you as before, will you ever be able to trust him? Or, will you expect abandonment again at any moment?

Having a girlfriend that tried to leave once before a couple of years ago, I can attest to how horrible it feels to be insecure about the future of the relationship. It's a nightmare I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Anyway, I'm so sorry about your situation.

Chin up, girl.

Lithp - You are completely right when you say that he has made his decision and I just have to let go for now. I feel so bad at the same time because I have high empathy, and I know he is depressed, smoking weed and now drinking with his mates, he is alone in this country and I don't know what will happen to him. I want to reach out and tell him I love him and I'd always do anything for him. But what can I do, nothing will make him come back and I'm devastated.

How did your ex come back? Did he reach out first or did you talk to him?

Pixby - I'm soooo scared that might be the case. It scares me to death to even imagine him with another woman (Alhtough by the texts and all his new female acquaintances I can tell at least there has been some flirting) I too thought about him stringing me along while he sees whether the other girls are better than me. That's why I said I would NOT agree to living in separate flats and "see" each other. Either 100%, or nothing.

But still at times I think "what if he really just needs time to better himself?, what if I rule out the one chance of getting back together?"

I feel exactly the same as you, I even told him I don't want to give up. It took us so long to be together, we fought so hard to be in each others arms. And it feels like such a waste

Hahaha I am reading what you are saying and it is exactly my mindset when we were together. Just know that you are not alone in this particular situation, as literally word for word what you wrote are things that went through my head, and you have support here.

I am highly empathetic myself, but also I have struggled with depression in the past and know that it is extremely important to have support, whether you're aware you have it or not. This was a huge reason as to why I was determined to stay with him. I didn't care that our relationship was falling apart, I just wanted him to know that he had someone who genuinely cared for him. I wanted to show him what a real friend was, what a real support system consisted of, as opposed to the people in his life who were getting him high to forget his issues - these people did not care that he was depressed and just wanted another person to party with. While I've experimented in the past with many substances, and even enjoyed my time partying, I know that the mindset you're in at the time has a huge impact on it. Drugs and alcohol should be used, if at all, to enhance the joy you're already feeling - not depended on to get you out of a rut. But try telling him that.

He broke up with me and asked that we stay friends. I have never stayed in friendships with my ex-boyfriends, but for him I wanted to make an exception, as I was still determined to help him through the rough patch and show him that he had support. The last thing I wanted to do was give up on him and I kept things distant, but I was always there. This was extremely difficult, and you have to make sure you're in a good place mentally because it's a very selfless and thankless position to be in - not trying to make myself out to be a hero, but it's important to understand that supporting someone through a depression, you take a lot of crap from them while remaining supportive and rarely get anything in return. At this point I felt more like a mentor or a mother instead of a girlfriend/friend

The friendship remained rocky but it was easier just being a friend at that point - I was moving on with my life, had no expectations for us, and was merely there when he needed someone who understood what was happening with him. I never initiated contact, but I also never expected or waited to hear from him. I focused on myself, my family and my friends and became a better person while he was still struggling, but I was there.

One day a few months after we had broken up, he texted me and was asking about my day. I was going through some family issues, and told him that I wasn't really doing too well, and he responded with "That's cool". Basically I snapped - I had tried to give him an opportunity to be a friend to me in my time of need, and he gave me this very cold response, and I lost it. I let him know that I was hurt by this [in so many not-so-nice words and ended contact. I didn't have anything to do with him for a month and felt relieved to be done with the whole thing. I hadn't told him I was done with him, as I think that's a dangerous position to place yourself in with anyone, but I just stopped communication with him and distanced myself. After about a month he texted me asking if we could talk and I agreed. I went to see him the next night and it was literally like I was talking to a different person - he looked different, he held himself differently, he spoke differently, it was all very eerie and I was a little taken aback.

He explained to me that he had quit the drugs and drinking, that he dropped all his friends, and was getting help that he should have gotten a long time ago. He told me he realised what I was trying to do for him, and what he had done to me in the process, and every day for that month he was scared that he had lost me for good. When he finally got the guts to contact me, he wanted to be able to show me the changes he had made - I always explained to him that I would know him by his actions, and his promises and apologies meant nothing when he was still the same person. We started things fresh and hanging out with him was no longer draining on me - I was excited to be around him and his new attitude and outlook on life was contagious. We gradually started to slip back into a relationship, and while we still have our issues, the difference is now we work on them together, rather than him disappearing for days and ignoring me to go do drugs with his buddies.

Sorry for such the long post I feel I can help but my story will give a better context to what I'm trying to say. It's in the actions. He's depressed and smoking pot to cope with it - a very dangerous mindset to be in. Working on his problems will take time and hard work, and when you're depressed like that you don't feel there's hope or help for you. Using substances is a quick fix that doesn't require any effort, but the consequences really outweigh the benefits in the end. He needs to come to that realisation himself, and if you're on him about it, he might see it as you trying to take away the one thing that helps him with his depression.

I would just lay it out for him as you said, and just start distancing myself. He'll either get the help he needs or he won't, but you need to realise it's something you have no control over. You have control over your own actions and the type of person you want to be. If he wants to change he will, but waiting and expecting it, especially when there's depression involved, is only going to bring you down further. It's ok to be there for him if you feel it's something you're able to do, but don't do it if you're just waiting for him to come around because sometimes it doesn't happen. You need to let it run it's course and focus on yourself and moving on, start the process now and whatever happens will happen. Take it day by day and it'll get easier with a bit of time.

Thanks Lithp, I really appreciate you sharing your story because I definitely see a lot of similarities!! I guess I just have to try not to think about him too much right now (easier said than done, because I can't stop wondering where he is or what he is doing) and just hope he does what he needs to do for himself, while I take care of myself.

The apartment feels sooooo lonely though, so so lonely without him. I wrote a text but I managed not to send it. I guess he has to experience life without me in it, and see if that makes him happier.

"I wanted to show him what a real friend was, what a real support system consisted of, as opposed to the people in his life who were getting him high to forget his issues - these people did not care that he was depressed and just wanted another person to party with."

This really hit home for me. His mates encourage his decision, I know what they are saying to him, that single life is soooo much better. Truth is all of them are over 30 with no stable jobs, no possesions, no savings and doing pot, drinking and even snorting cocaine. They just seem to be happy he's now joining the team and I don't even think they tell him "man, you have a woman who ADORES you and supports you so much in every sense (I even told him to quit his job and just do his art for a while til he felt happy and comfy)"

Thanks for the advice, we will see how this goes. And I guess I will see in time if my gut feeling of another woman being around is true....

Should I text saying I miss him? I know once he finds a new flat (staying with a friend now) any reconciliation will be difficult... Maybe he felt I wasn't giving him enough loving and if he sees I'm into him he might appreciate it?

Ruby, before you do that, think twice and read 10 times the advice I initially gave you. C'mon darling you can do it. Try to remain calm just for today. Go out and buy something you like , could be an ice cream or a pair of shoes. Call an old friend. Go for a run. Read a book. Memorize a poem.

You are right. You know what, I was an idiot and sent the message. I just said "I miss you" but guess what, no reply. Probably too busy screwing his new girl or something.

Why couldn't I fall in love with someone who loved me back? I feel so worthless, ugly, unsexy, useless.

My dad passed 12 days ago, and I just found out today after coughing like crazy for 2 weeks that I have two spots on my lung that need further tests to identify. I don't know how to cope with all this.

You are right. You know what, I was an idiot and sent the message. I just said "I miss you" but guess what, no reply. Probably too busy screwing his new girl or something.

 

Why couldn't I fall in love with someone who loved me back? I feel so worthless, ugly, unsexy, useless.

 

My dad passed 12 days ago, and I just found out today after coughing like crazy for 2 weeks that I have two spots on my lung that need further tests to identify. I don't know how to cope with all this.

Darling, take care of yourself and your health first. I hope when you go to the doctor whatever it is it can be curable. If he replies back, you know you shouldn't answer him ok?. Promise to yourself and me that you will look after yourself and your health (physically and mentally). I'm sorry about your dad. If I was there I would invite you to dinner just so you have someone to talk to.. go out and buy something you like, or call friends and family, or simply read a good book.

You are not worthless, I don't know you but I can tell you are a wonderful person, I value you and I'm sure those around you value you 10000 times more because they are blessed to have you around.

Aaaww thanks, you are so sweet!

I went out for a walk with my mum, bought a skirt for roller derby training I have tomorrow morning, and tried to keep busy. Still I can't stop wondering where he is or what he is doing, specially WHO he is with.

I knew I shouldn't have sent the text, but I really do miss him so much. It hurts sooo bad to know he doesn't really miss me.

Aaaww thanks, you are so sweet!

 

I went out for a walk with my mum, bought a skirt for roller derby training I have tomorrow morning, and tried to keep busy. Still I can't stop wondering where he is or what he is doing, specially WHO he is with.

 

I knew I shouldn't have sent the text, but I really do miss him so much. It hurts sooo bad to know he doesn't really miss me.

You MUST keep him out of your system. You gotta be strong. I told you not to text him because I knew he was not going to reply and you would end up feeling worse. Stop doing that to yourself. The only person that matters you know who is? - YOU

Who cares about a self absorbed idiot who doesn't have a single drop of empathy and compassion in his anatomy. Seriously girl, the hell with him.

Thank you, I will try. It is sooo hard when you love someone and they said you were the love of their life, so amazing and beautiful and blah blah. And then they just take all their stuff and move out. I am left here in our apartment and it just feels sooo empty.

I'm grieving my dad, my relationship and on top of it I feel sooo ill and can't stop coughing. I want to curl up and disappear. It is so cruel he can't even reply a text. Probably having too much fun with this other girl (not 100% sure but I trust my intuition A LOT) who by the way is the complete opposite of me (me- dark hair and eyes, curves everywhere / her - skinny blonde with blue eyes) So cruel.