Shy guys and physical advances/intimacy...

Some of you guys probably have read previous posts I had regarding a guy I'm into who's pretty shy... Well another question now for the shy guys... By the way, just so you know, we're not together. We're just two people who are definitely falling for each other... but haven't quite advanced to dating just yet. We're both pretty shy but him more than me so I'm doing all the initiating...

OK, so just a recap from previous posts... We've been spending a lot of time together lately. When we're together, we're definitely together. He stays by my side instead of his buddies, he's constantly trying to make me happy, does favors for me that he knows needs to be done, offers to help with everything... Heck, we're pretty much a couple in everyone else's eyes. We do everything together, and (at least on my end) when we're together, everyone else seems to disappear... We can be sitting with a group of people and we're only paying attention to each other. Wherever I go, he goes... So ya, he definitely likes me...

The problem? Well, aside from a couple of times that we kissed a few days ago, nothing else has happened. Physically. He hasn't tried holding my hand, he doesn't put his arm around me... Nothing. What the heck? To be honest with you, I'm inclined to get him drunk to get him to open up more! That's the only time he's completely open with me, otherwise he's more quiet and reserved... like I make him nervous. Don't get me wrong. He makes me happy doing all that he already does for me, but without any sort of physical advances (even small ones) being human, people will start to doubt...

How can a guy be THIS shy? I know he likes me. I'm 100% sure of it. He's told people, he won't deny it when people talk about us getting together or asks if he likes me... (he'll even say yes in front of me!!) he grovels at my feet, he's constantly trying to do things for me to show he cares... Ya. And as for my feelings for him, I initiated the two kisses we had... so is that not enough of a hint to him that I like him too?? Believe me, I've thrown hints out there. I don't even have to throw hints... we're already to a point where we do everything together and act like a couple... All that's missing is... well... everything else!

To be honest with you, it's kind of disappointing. I don't mean to sound needy, but I'm a woman... I need a little intimacy from a man. I know we're not "together" or "dating" yet per se, but I mean, how long will I have to wait for this shy guy to take it up a notch? Is it really THIS hard to get a shy guy to open up and be more comfortable and accepting of the fact that someone likes him? I totally don't get it. He's absolutely hot (everyone I know agrees to this...) so it's not like he can have THAT low of self-esteem... or can he? I've chalked it up to him being either intimidated by me or just plain nervous... There's no doubt he likes me. The only question now is what the heck is stopping him from proceeding??? We've already kissed twice. I mean come on, he can't still be unsure that I like him... or can he???

The physical barrier can be a tough one, for both genders. I sometimes consider holding hands more intimate than kissing, because it signifies the emotional bond where kissing is more sexual.

Maybe he has difficulties opening up emotionally. Why not take his hand next time?

How old are you guys ? I know when I was in my teens or early 20's, girls scared me. * * * * * * didnt scare me, girls did LOL. No in my 40's I will talk to anyone and all that. Anyway, Maybe get him a little drunk, call him out and tell him to stop acting like this. Thats of course if you like him and you see you do.

@ Arrakis - I agree. That's why I myself haven't taken the initiative to do the hand holding just yet... I'm not exactly sure he's "there yet" and I don't want to scare him off... The funny thing is he and I have slept on the same bed before (drunk) and even then he didn't even muster enough courage to do anything. I can tell he's absolutely crazy about me by what he does for me and the things he says to me so that's why I'm confused as to how it hasn't progressed physically yet...

@tmtex - We're both 30. lol. So ya... there shouldn't be any of that young guy/girl stuff going on... (You would think!) Ya, I'm definitely gonna have to get him drunk (or slip him some ruffies! lol)...

Seriously shy guys... I heard you guys need to be assured 100% in order to make a move so you can avoid rejection... but ggggeeeeezzzzusssss. This is hard work lol.

Yeah, how old are you guys? Is this his first "relationship?" Lots of guys are shy when it comes to approaching and asking a woman out. But once that hurdle is past, and especially after the first kiss (or two), the majority of them open up quite well.

Shyness can go hand in hand with insecurity, but it can be caused by other things as well. People who grow up with overbearing or undemonstrative parents, for example, can find it hard to open up, trust they will be accepted and express themselves. Also, abuse and other traumas can effect different people in different ways. And yes, there some households where everybody is touchy and huggy, and there are other more austere households where children grow up with little or no human contact at all (I can relate to that one myself).

He sounds like he may have more than garden variety shyness. But whatever more profound underlying reason he may have, it seems clear that he has some very sticky inhibitions when it comes to physical touch. The best way to open up his behavior is to show him by example. Being shy yourself, this may not be so easy, but I think you should continue doing what you're doing. Deep down, you know he likes you, he's attracted to you and he enjoys being with you. Solidify that in your mind to keep your own demons at bay. Then, gradually start to do with him what you'd like him to do to you. Whenever appropriate, do what you think a loving couple would do at that moment. Stand close. Sit close. Take his hand. Stare into his eyes. Take his arm and put it around you. Lean in for a kiss. It's going to take well beyond two times for his behavior to change. I'd guess two months of your consistent lead would be a good time frame to start to notice changes in him.

Oh never mind, I think you're right - just get him liquored up and have your way with him.

You were probably typing when I wrote the last post, but ya, we're 30... So no, definitely not either one of our first relationships. lol.

As for insecurity, I thought about that, but it's just hard for me to believe I guess because he's reaaaaaally friggin cute!! To be honest with you, I was surprised to learn that he had liked me a few months ago (I paid no attention to him because I thought he was way out of my league so I didn't even bother...). So ya, most good looking guys I know have been more confident I should say. You mention childhood. That thought came to mind too. He does have a pretty messed up childhood. I think his father wasn't around, and his mom basically treated him like the red-headed step child... never took care of him, always sent him off to live somewhere else, etc... So ya, I can definitely see where he didn't received any sort of affection as a child. It's a wonder how he grew up to be such a sweet and thoughtful guy! He did have his troublesome teen days, but even after telling me all the bad stuff he'd done in the past, it's hard to believe because he's such a good person!

OK, so let me get this straight... You don't think the two intimate times we shared were enough to get him to feel comfortable? You mean he STILL may have doubts? Sheesh. Shy people are hard work lol. Two months...? *sigh* Well, I'm sure I have the time... and I'm sure he's not going anywhere soon lol. Will do.

But I'm telling you, come November 1st, there's some ruffies going in his drink!!!

At this point, it may not be about comfort or doubt as much as conditioning. Sure, he's seen it in other couples, and romantic movies, but he's never experienced very much physical touch himself. That's something you can't learn by observation. And yes, this really could be a separate issue from his shyness.

Have you ever met a really touchy feely person? They literally have to sit on their hands to make themselves stop. It sounds like your shy guy has the opposite problem. From the way you describe he otherwise acts around you, something in him is making him stop. Buying you gifts, doing nice things, those come naturally for him. Touch you on the shoulder when you're walking down a sidewalk...wait, STOP! Not appropriate. Do NOT do that. For whatever reason, in his life, he hasn't learned how.

You can ease these barriers for him, and you do it by example. That's why I said grab his arm and put it around you, as opposed to you putting your arm around him. You're teaching him how you like to be touched. It sounds like he wants to learn. The one good thing is he's "reaaaaaally friggin cute," so pawing at him shouldn't be that much of a chore.

On the ruffies thing, they might work for a night, but when he wakes up the next day, will he really have learned anything? And the big smile on your face will probably only confuse him.

Has he had any previous relationships? Have you ever seen him be intimate with anyone? This may not be about you. This could be completely new to him or just not something he's comfortable with in general. I suppose it really wouldn't hurt to bring up the topic with him if it comes to that.

Although to be completely honest what you describes sounds identical to the half dozen or so dates I had with a woman when I was still closeted, lol. I was sweet and nice and pleasant, but my utter lack of attempting anything physical eventually killed it. But I guess that was for the best in the end. (Not saying your guy is gay--your story just sparked memories for me).

Have sex with him. The shyness will disappear. YOU initiate it.

Thanks for the input. I never woulda really thought about it on a level this deep... I can totally see how his lack of receipt of anything physical as a child could manifest into a physical shyness with people now. From what I know he's not very happy about his mother... Apparently she had pretty much resented him his whole life (he was an accident, she didn't want children) and would always pawn him off on other people... send him away to camp and things like that just so she wouldn't have to take care of him... I can only imagine how little love and affection he received from an adult figure while he was growing up. If anything I'm actually glad this is the only major problem I see with him. He's turned out to be a great person and this is something that I can actually accept and maybe try to help him with...

I'll try all that you've said. If it doesn't work, then ruffies it is.

From what he's told me, yes he's had a few long term relationships. As for how he acted with them, I don't know as we only met a few months ago and from what I'm aware of he hasn't had a girlfriend for quite a while... At least a year and a half or so... Hell, from what I heard, he's only had sex with one girl during that whole time, and it was pretty much just a drunken one night stand. (Maybe someone else came up with the ruffy idea? lol) So ya, as far as I'm aware, no relationship for a couple of years, and sex with one chick... Well damn... now that I think about it, I guess it really can't be me... If he's gone that long without a relationship, let alone having sex... then damn, he really must have some sort of intimacy or shyness issues... Looong road ahead of me. I'm gonna look for a shortcut... lol.

Have sex with him. The shyness will disappear. YOU initiate it.

Ooooh, I like that idea. Will do! We have a long weekend together... Let's hope I come back with good news when I log in after the weekend! lol.

When you're seducing him do it slowly and make the sexual tension unbearable for him - eventually he will cave and do something "out of context". Don't be alarmed. Just laugh and continue the game plan. You want him to make the first move but the whole time you sitting close to him, showing a bit of cleavage and giving him the puppy dog eyes while your hand rests on his lap is just innocent. Get what I'm saying?

Look him in the eyes and make him feel comfortable. During sex guide him (his hands) through your body and reward him every time he takes initiative into his own hands by moaning.

The whole time your job is to make him feel comfortable and relaxed. When all is said and done, spoon and tell him how comfortable you feel when he has his hands around you and that you like that specific quality about him. This will make him feel special and he will live up to these expectations.

That's called shaping. From that point onwards he will always have his hands on you in a protective yet comforting manner. Watch.

Maybe a glass or wine, or two, will loosen him up a bit. Just enough to get conversational, but far short of drunk. If you do resort to roofies, make sure you don't put his underwear on backwards - that's a dead give away. Good luck!

Is it wrong that you kinda made me a little excited and I'm sitting at work? lmao...

Sounds like a great plan to me! Now whether I'll be able to grow enough cojones to do all that... is the question. lol. Even after trying to tell myself that it's not me, I guess the lack of his initiation has somehow gotten to my head. I've never had this much problem seducing a guy... Ever. lol. I kinda actually like the challenge though!

But question... I know it's some sort of insecurity in me that's stopped me from initiating more with him up til now... But do you not think that if he's the type to get nervous to be touchy-feely, that there might be a chance of scaring him off? I really don't think that's possible, but you know how in the beginning people are always a little on the nervous side to initiate these things... I'm just afraid he may not be ready for it... I personally am a very sexual person... I think my drive is actually higher than most womens'. I just don't want him to look at me like some sex-crazed chick that only cares about that... Ya know?

Maybe a glass or wine, or two, will loosen him up a bit. Just enough to get conversational, but far short of drunk.

Neither one of us do wine. lol. If anything he has a couple beers after work and I have a couple wine coolers. It's usually enough to get us to be a little more playful (talking-wise, not physically). And oh, we don't normally have conversational problems by any means. We can be around each other and talk our asses off. More so when we're drunk though... Well, now that I think about it, he is shy and nervous a lot when we're talking... I do have to initiate a lot and keep us from those awkward silences... But then there are times when he does initiate by asking me how my day was at work. It does usually take having a beer in his hand to get him to be less nervous. Maybe it's a placebo... Having that beer gives him the confidence (or the excuse) to be more open...

If you do resort to roofies, make sure you don't put his underwear on backwards - that's a dead give away. Good luck!

How bout I leave the underwear off, hide it, and make him wonder where it went?

Is it wrong that you kinda made me a little excited and I'm sitting at work? lmao...

Definitely not. I get that a lot from girls

But question... I know it's some sort of insecurity in me that's stopped me from initiating more with him up til now... But do you not think that if he's the type to get nervous to be touchy-feely, that there might be a chance of scaring him off?

He's shy not gay.

He doesn't want to touch you because he thinks you don't want him touching you.

let us know how it goes.

let us know how it goes.

First of all... Thanks everyone for curbing some doubts and giving me the courage and insight to take more of an initiative...

I dove in head first and well... Oh. My. God. (TMI?) If that doesn't make him open up more then I don't know what will...

Before we got down to it he mustered up enough courage to grab my hand and put his arm around me a couple times. (Both times I could tell he was pretending to be drunk... But... Whatever gets him there!)

Anyway... I initiated by being flirty and he followed by being a little more touchy... I think I'm breaking the barrier down...

Anyway... I initiated by being flirty and he followed by being a little more touchy... I think I'm breaking the barrier down...

 

Congrats on the progress (I think you're doing great thus far)! Really, just enjoy these moments because realize, shy guys take a while to "warm up." Once they do though, you'll be back on here making a thread complaining because he'll have his hands all over you.

Wow, if it was me I wouldn't try to seduce him. Don't get me wrong, I love sex, but I dunno, I value sex alittle more seriously.

I wouldn't just have a romp for fun. That's just not my style o_O

This could either go three ways:

1. You do end up seducing him and he opens up and relaxes alittle more?

2. You end up seducing him and he acts more awkward and uncomfortable afterwards.

3. His opinion of you changes. Sees you're not gf material.

Oh and since he's the long term relationship type that doesn't sleep around... It was be a big indication that if you do sleep with him without first properly getting to know him and getting into a relationship with him ... You're going to be moved to the 'other' category.

Just cos a guy doesn't sleep around with girls, does not mean he has intimacy issues. He might be selective about who he does it with and lets in? But lol, whatever floats your boat. Just my opinion.

Just cos a guy doesn't sleep around with girls, does not mean he has intimacy issues. He might be selective about who he does it with and lets in? But lol, whatever floats your boat. Just my opinion.

Yeah, I have the suspicion that this guy isn't in a self-imposed cage such that he secretly wants to have lots of sex and is holding back just because the OP hasn't made a move.

Of course, it wouldn't hurt pushing the envelope a little. But I highly suspect that even once that is done that there won't be a grand opening of the floodgates, so to speak. But that's just a hunch on my part.

Have sex with him. The shyness will disappear. YOU initiate it.

I've had sex, and it has not cured my problem with the little intimate things such as holding hands, putting my arm around a girl, etc. If the girl initiates it that's fine, but I still can't initiate it myself, even if we've ****ed!

My ex was like this. I had to initiate the first kiss, the first time, etc. He's a man so of course he was always down for it, and then he started initiating it just as much every time when we were together. But yes, there are some guys, especially reserved ones, that don't like being "pushed into it". He might feel raped, and he might like it, but like it sexually since of course he's a sexual being but think of the consequences in the long run.

I think that totally messed up my ex and I's relationships. I don't know. I'd let it move a little more according to his pace.

I've had sex, and it has not cured my problem with the little intimate things such as holding hands, putting my arm around a girl, etc. If the girl initiates it that's fine, but I still can't initiate it myself, even if we've ****ed!

 

The advice I gave was specific to the OP & not everyone. I gave that advice based on the facts she listed given her situation. Which is why it would not work for your scenario because it is completely different. It's like comparing apples to oranges.

This is fine general advice but look at her situation and some of the things she's said. He already sticks up for her within their circle of friends and already fills that role of a boyfriend. From that point onwards there's no changing opinions or reason to act more awkwardly. It's just a matter of comfort levels.

Dude's even willing to be away from his buddies to be with her in front of them. Definitely means dissonance issues will not come up. Guys will change opinions and ditch a girl that they don't know too much about as a way of cutting their losses . If a girl has met my buddies to build a level of rapport then she's cool enough to stick around and you've invested too much in her to leave her hanging.

Don't look too deep into it and start making this a chess game based on what you think his reactions are going to be.

Thanks everyone for your insights. I definitely understand where the "don't do it" people are coming from. Definitely! But as others said, ya my situation is a whole lot different...

Update... He's opening up more... Not quite all the way there yet but he's definitely getting more and more comfortable with intimacy... We were pretty close a lot yesterday... Lots of hugs... he initiated a kiss (that's a big one right there...! lol) and ya... I'm not sure if the sex helped, or if he's just finally accepting that someone really does like him... or what... but ya, he's definitely getting more comfortable and more courageous.

Oh and my friend (roomie) did get told by her boyfriend that he notices how big of a gentleman he is with me and how he's totally different with me than anyone else (he's a gentleman to begin with but now he's definitely over nice lol)... and also that he thinks he's really starting to fall for me. That coming from my guy's best friend means a lot because I know if anyone knows him, he does... So ya, everything's going great!

Thanks everyone!