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Is it normal to push one's closest loved one away while grieving?


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Hi Miri, I know it's been several years, but I just came across this and I have been going through an almost identical experience. I was astonished at how our thoughts are so much alike. I would love to know how you are doing? Did he ever come back to you? If not, did you heal and find new love?

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Wow. I found this last night, as yesterday was a particularly trying day, and it helps to see everyone's different experiences. I hope everyone is doing well.

 

I signed up here thinking I wanted to share, but I don't know if I even have the energy to share everything right now. That, and also I feel like it would be selfish of me since it wasn't my blood family member who passed. But I just wanted to get some stuff out, I guess.

 

I wanted to say that I feel so guilty because it seems like everything I do for my former partner/now best friend? is not the right thing. She lost her 20 year old son in an accident, and I've been by her side since then, as she asked of me as we were driving to the town. I was there through the whole preparation, services, the nights at the hotel, the days running around. When we left, we came back together but since then it's just been...rough, to say the least. And understandably so. I am in no way ignorant that this loss is one that can't even really be compared to anything else. I'm just at a loss as of what to do. Because now we are distant, but I thought that was what she wanted because of how she talked and acted. But then she says she doesn't like the fact that we seem distant, but when we talk, she says I say all the wrong things. Or that it's not what I say, it's just my tone. And that I need to look up how to speak...I just don't know.

 

We've been in each other's lives for almost 10 years. Her kids literally became like my own (words she said several times, not words I ever presumed to say). I have made life decisions that moved in a direction of us spending the rest of our lives together. We had just moved to another state together with plans to start several businesses. But now...you know what. I guess maybe that's the point. I guess maybe it is selfish of me to think that how life was set up before could continue the same, no matter how much I want it to be. And I guess it's just really, really hard to accept that because I really do love her. Even just as a best friend, I love her so much.

 

It's kind of word vomit, but I just needed to say something and get it out. Thanks for whoever reads this.

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  • 1 month later...

I know it has been a long time since you posted this. But right now I'm going through exactly the same. He even say the same words... Finding that this is a common behavior eases me a bit, however I want to know how does this ended for you? Should I move on for good? Or should I wait for a time? Did he ever talked to you again?

It is hard to believe that someone who used to be your best friend and cared so much for you just don't feel anything anymore. It hurts like hell. So any advice would be helpful

Thanks for sharing your experience!

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I know it has been a long time since you posted this. But right now I'm going through exactly the same. He even say the same words... Finding that this is a common behavior eases me a bit, however I want to know how does this ended for you? Should I move on for good? Or should I wait for a time? Did he ever talked to you again?

It is hard to believe that someone who used to be your best friend and cared so much for you just don't feel anything anymore. It hurts like hell. So any advice would be helpful

Thanks for sharing your experience!

you would probably have better luck getting responses if you started your own thread.

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Thanks! im new to this. Not even sure how does it works

 

just open the subforum (for example healing after breakup and divorce) and click "post new thread", then type away. it can take a while to appear on the main page, so have a nice cup of coffee ready while you're waiting. welcome to ena

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  • 3 months later...
  • 2 years later...

Thank you for all of the people who have shared their experience here.

 

A lot of you made me understand that this way of reacting is there for people.

Made me understand her point of view a lot more. As personally I haven't had to have that experience beforehand.

 

My story currently. Me (26M) her (23F).

 

I was on a dating app and found this girl that in my initial opinion would never want to go out with me. We ended up talking constantly for 2 weeks via text as I was ill and she seemed amazing and real interest in me as well. Then after our first date, we had quite a few more and we're in a relationship soon after knowing her for a month. 2 weeks later with all of this Corona situation I invited her to stay with me for the duration if she would like and she agreed. Which meant we were spending all of our days together sharing similar interests making jokes and playing games together she really seemed to like and care for me a lot that made me feel more for her as I thought she is amazing.

 

3 Weeks into us quarantining together her dad dies in a different country. Her dad was the closest person to her and only really close family she has. Considering how she always talked about her dad I really felt for her and wanted to be there for her and support in any way I could. She left my place and spent time with the family she still has. After that staying at her friends family that she was staying anyway. A week after the death she breaks up with me, but still wants to be friends. So I comply as I care for her deeply, we talk for hours on the phone after she does break up with me. But is adamant that we are through.

She insists on going through all of this alone in her own pace and she just doesn't want to string me along, because she doesn't know when she is going to be okay or fine with all of this.

So with her gone from my place and me being there all alone, I flew back home to my family as being alone at that time was getting too much.

2 weeks after the break up I decide I can't just keep friends right now as I care for her so deeply and perhaps some space will give her a different outlook.

I am not sure if it does, but I promised I won't talk to her until I return back to the city where she is, which might be a month or two down the line.

I said to her it was the best relationship I ever had and she agreed that it was her best relationship as well.

 

I get how people can react this way and how she thinks she is looking out for me. Doesn't make the process any easier. It's the only girl I literally saw having a future and family together.

I hope that this place gathers only the sad stories and that there are enough happy endings out there.

If it works out for me and we actually get back together, I'll update this thread.

 

Hopefully, this helps whoever is going through the same thing.

The situation doesn't make sense and people are affected in a different way.

After all, I want her to be happy if she finds it easier to find on her own. I'll do my best to respect that decision.

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  • 7 months later...

I’m going through something similar. My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday because he’s going through some personal problems with his family to do with his 3 close family members dying within the space of a few months. 
he said he wanted to be friends but this is my first heartbreak and the love that was and still is there is unexplainable. I’m not sure of what to do. 
 

do I text him and let him know that I’ll give him the space he needs but I will check up on him (because I’m worried about his mental health and when we broke up it didn’t feel like we were both on the same page) or leave it?

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  • 2 months later...

Hello Miri, 

I read your post. I'm going through the exact same thing right now. My girlfriend's mom passed away 3 weeks ago from COVID. I've been as supportive as I can be when she was with her mom in the hospital for 30 days. She only contacted me when she had good news, but when things were rough, she got aggressive on the phone. When her mom passed, I knew 5 hours after it happened, through a friend. I've been living with her and her mother for an entire year. I lost her mom too and I feel like everything that is happening is unfair! I can't sleep or eat properly. I'm seeing a therapist for the first time. She won't see me at all. If I text her, she replies formally, however, she doesn't mind opening up to other friends of hers though. 

What can I do to feel better?

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8 hours ago, NMS said:

Hello Miri, 

I read your post. I'm going through the exact same thing right now. My girlfriend's mom passed away 3 weeks ago from COVID. I've been as supportive as I can be when she was with her mom in the hospital for 30 days. She only contacted me when she had good news, but when things were rough, she got aggressive on the phone. When her mom passed, I knew 5 hours after it happened, through a friend. I've been living with her and her mother for an entire year. I lost her mom too and I feel like everything that is happening is unfair! I can't sleep or eat properly. I'm seeing a therapist for the first time. She won't see me at all. If I text her, she replies formally, however, she doesn't mind opening up to other friends of hers though. 

What can I do to feel better?

Give her space and let her come to you. If someone doesn't feel comfortable speaking with you, don't force it. Re-evaluate whether this relationship is fulfilling to you overall. You'll get more replies also if you start your own thread.

I'm sorry her mum passed. 

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  • 6 months later...

I created this account to thank the OP & all its contributors. I've struggled mightily over the loss of my partner due to grief, finding this thread has helped better helped me understand where she's at mentally at the moment, thereby alleviating a lot of my stress & anxiety. 

My partner lost her mother to stage 4 lung cancer on February 2nd of this year. After three months of pulling me in & leaning on my heavily, she returned from vacation with her friends and began pushing me away. The woman I'd grown to love and value over the last 9-10 months, whom I spent 3-4 days a week with and nearly every weekend, who I navigated & survived covid with, my lover & my best friend-- suddenly became a stranger to me. We'd been planning life together, starting a family, marriage potentially if our relationship remained healthy & fruitful. We never argued, fussed, or fought-- it was a relaxing and comforting community, effortless even.

So when I felt her slipping away I panicked and reacted selfishly, sent her a few note voicing my frustrations after she returned from a trip & I didn't hear from her a couple days. She informed was taking time for herself, was no longer in the headspace for a relationship, and would be giving energy to other men if she so chose. I took it personally and responded with a few more notes that were critical of how she'd be acting towards me(I now see the wrong in this & regret it very much). I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that she decided she's emotionally unavailable for me and wanted to be celibate, but was prepared to give energy to strangers? It really weighed on my conscious, but I fell back a bit and did my best to be supportive from afar. This was July. 

August roles around and she starts speaking to me more regularly. She leaned on me for a favor or two, we met each other out a couple times, and when she was diagnosed with Covid, she reached out to inform me & even opened up a lot during the first week of her quarantine. Called me a few times, reached out to ask if I'd be willing to drop off groceries, and even called to inform me she appreciated the the flowers & hand written note I dropped off in tribute to knowing one another for a year. We weren't focused on romance at all, but things were feeling a more normal between us. 

That's when I noticed she'd blocked me from her IG stories. For what reason, I still don't know. I'm not very active on social media & only followed her after 8-9 months of our relationship because she asked. I don't typically follow people I'm dating because I want them to feel like they have a social life separate from my own. Anyways, at the time she did this, she was at home quarantining, while we seemed to be on solid ground. Yet, when I asked her about it, she lied & gaslighted, directly to my face. She claimed she didn't block me & didn't know how, maybe it was an accident? I get off the phone out of frustration and tell her I'll call her later. The next day I reach out to confront her about lying to me and she acts in a way I'd never expected. She shifts blame to me before finally acknowledging "I get where you're coming from..." 

I've not spoken to her since. She's no longer answering my calls or responding to my messages. I suspect she's been acting in bad faith without telling me, has probably been dishonest in the past, and has begun initiating relationships with other men. It's one of the oddest things I've ever experienced in my life. I'm not even mad, I just wish she'd have been honest. Lying to me, gaslighting me, and then ghosting me once I realized? She's so far removed from the person I thought she was that it's mind boggling. Nonetheless, I still love her, but I'm prepared to move forward. I'll be speaking to a therapist for the first time soon to help process what I'm experiencing . 

I've opened the door to dating again, but I don't really want anyone. I'm going out periodically and talking to people, but I've not opened myself up to any intimate relationships. I don't really know how to at the moment. 

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