violated last night

meh. i dont really know if i should post about this, but its been bothering me. I feel like i was violated, but it was my own fault.

last night i was at a party and after everyone went to bed, this guy i know wanted to have a little fun. I've known him for a while and have sex with him, but havn't seen him in at a few months. I told him that I was too tired and didn't want to but he kept pressuring me. We were upstairs at first and he kept trying to get me to go downstairs. I told him that I didnt want to, but then he started putting his hands all over me and started kissing me. I pulled away from him, but hes a big guy and held on to my face. I pulled away at least 3 times and told him I didnt want to kiss, but he kept making out with me and the whole time I was going against it, trying to keep my mouth closed and not kissing back.

After that he kept trying to get me downstairs. he basically pick me up off the couch by putting his hands under my arms and walked me down the stairs. At this point, I kinda knew what was coming towards me. I dont know why I didnt try to fight harder, but I guess I knew what he was going to do to me and stupidly I didnt yell or try harder to push me off. I dont know why. I think it was because this guy was kinda a friend and we were at my friends house and I didnt want anyone to know what was going on. I know thats really stupid, but they are his friends and I didnt know how they would react and just at that point i just figured it would be easier. we were both slightly drunk so maybe the best decisions werent being made. i know that its completely my fault and i shouldnt even be complaning about what happened to me because i didnt try harder to stop it or fight it, but ive never been in this position before.

so he brings me down stairs, and long story short, he shoves his penis in my mouth and hold my mouth open. then he had sex with me for like 2 seconds without a condom before he came. he didnt cum in me luckily, that was my worst fear. then after that i went back upstairs and he stayed downstairs. i went to bed on the couch. We are are both still here hanging out with our friends because the roads are closd because of the hurricane. I dont want to tell anyone, and its extrememly awkward. he hasnt really said anything to me but we havnt been alone. i dont know if i should tell my friends or not.

i feel so stupid because i could have screamed or put up more of a fight and that wouldnt have happened to me. But I didnt want my friends to know he was doing it to me, i didnt want to make a big deal out of it and felt like he was going to do it anyways and it was just easier at the time just to let him do what he wanted. i still dont know if i should tell his friends. i dont know what to do actually. i just feel like a complete idiot and have no idea how to handle this situation.

You need to tell someone. You should make a report to the police. That way you have a written record. Is there a councelor who you could see?? I'm sorry this happened to you. You need to let someone know, who knows how many girls he has done this to in past.

Yeah I agree. Just because you didn't put up a fight, he still was forceful with you and I'm sure you have some rights.

You were under the influence of alcohol and he's a big guy, so in a way he did force you.

And MilkandHoney don't feel bad, what he did was wrong even tho you let it happen. Because I can understand how it was easier to go along with it but you didn't want too. So yeah I think you should report him.

First thing: this was not your fault. Your post almost made me cry because when I was 15 I was raped, and I thought it was my fault. It was my fault because I was high, because I was wearing a dress, because I didn't say no enough times, because I never screamed. I found countless reasons it was my fault, and none of them were true.

He raped you. Plain and simple. If you let this go and don't report it to the police, I will feel even worse for you. Just because you have mutual friends doesn't make this okay. Hell, even if you two had sex the previous night, it's still rape. You may feel ashamed or embarrassed, but please ignore those feelings and tell someone. Tell your parents, the police.

It is not okay what happened. If this goes unreported, later down the line you will regret it. I did. Even if you think you didn't fight hard enough (one no is all it takes and he should have stopped) think about who else he might rape. Do you want other girls to feel dirty and violated? Of course not, so get this man off the streets before he does it again.

Sweetheart, it is NOT your fault.

Milkandhoney, I'm so sorry to read this. That is just horrible. Please don't feel like an idiot or like this is your fault - reading what you wrote, it's very clear to me that this was not your fault and that you were violated, as you said. And it seems pretty obvious to me that this guy knew exactly what he was doing and that he did not have your consent.

As to what you should do - what do you want to do? Do you have a close friend you can confide in, someone you trust?

Yeah I agree. Just because you didn't put up a fight, he still was forceful with you and I'm sure you have some rights.

 

You were under the influence of alcohol and he's a big guy, so in a way he did force you.

 

And MilkandHoney don't feel bad, what he did was wrong even tho you let it happen. Because I can understand how it was easier to go along with it but you didn't want too. So yeah I think you should report him.

She did NOT let this happen - she said NO.

i feel so stupid because i could have screamed or put up more of a fight and that wouldnt have happened to me.

The "If you'd screamed/fought more you wouldn't have been raped" is right up there with "If your skirt had been longer, your top higher cut.." is one of the classics of making women feel responsible for their rapes.

This is absolutely not your fault. Ever. That guy is a rapist and you didn't make him into one.

That is darned awful. I found it incredibly difficult to read. I'm so sorry that such an awful thing happened to you. Like someone else said, you didn't turn him into a rapist. He was the one who acted and HE alone. You're not the one to blame this. Not one bit. You should definitely report him. God knows how many women this monster has done this to. I'm truly sorry that such a thing happened to you.

i just dont know what to do. im scared to report him and tell our friends what happened. We are all sitting in the living room and all the guys are playing video games and im sitting here on my computer. I can't even go home because the roads are closed. He was supposed to be my ride home, but im going to try to get someone else to do it. its just so awkward cause i dont know what to do right at this moment. i feel really crappy and i cant do anything but sit here with him in the room right now. i guess i could go in another room, but i feel safer with the other guys around.

How soon will the roads reopen, do you know? Could you maybe take one of the guys aside, and tell him that you really need to get home as soon as possible, and can he take you home as soon as it's feasible. Or would your parents be willing to come get you? I think it's up to you what you share with your friends - you can make up a reason why you need to go. I would recommend that you only share what happens with people you trust and whom you can trust to support you: it could be devastating for you to talk to these friends only to have them blame you somehow or invalidate your feelings.

As far as reporting him, you don't need to make that decision now. I actually disagree that it's your duty or obligation to report him - do whatever is going to help you and make YOU feel better. You don't owe anyone anything right now. What are you scared will happen if you report him or tell your friends?

Please report it.

Don't let him get away with this! He WILL keep raping, I promise you.

I know you are afraid, probably also afraid of what your friends will say. But don't let him get away with this. If I were you, I would call the police now and have them get you out of that environment. This may sound insensitive, but the longer it takes you to report it, the less " physical" evidence there will be of the rape.

Ughh it's eating me up inside to know you're going through this.

Wait is he still in the house with you?

Legally, she may be on shaky ground. No one heard her fight or scream and if called as witnesses, no one saw a struggle and she didn't tell anyone. I KNOW she was raped, but proving it will be very difficult in court. I wish you all the luck in the world. This was NOT your fault!

Legally, she may be on shaky ground. No one heard her fight or scream and if called as witnesses, no one saw a struggle and she didn't tell anyone. I KNOW she was raped, but proving it will be very difficult in court. I wish you all the luck in the world. This was NOT your fault!

That's what I figured, which is why I didn't want to be insensitive but also wanted to add rape kits really help victims.

M&H, I am so sorry to hear about this. Regardless of what you choose to do, in legal terms, please DO realize this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I feel so sorry that you are stuck there with this d-bag. When can you go home? Is it possible you can take a taxi if no one else but him is able to give you a ride when the roads re-open?

I think you should in the very least tell one person who is there with you. That way, if you have to be there another night, you won't have to left in the same room with this person...

Or in the very least, just tell one of the guests that you don't want to be left alone with him...

It seems like what you are experiencing right now is a term used in counseling called "inappropriate guilt"...feeling that somehow you are responsible for his behavior and you are not.Rather its a husband, boyfriend, or friend , no (means no) and he did not respect your boundaries.

In my opinion, I would be careful discussing this situation with your "friends", maybe you two share the same friends....this may put them in a difficult situation....not really wanting to take sides....or your friends may not have the ability to fully support you as you may need during this time.

I believe that a safer route may be disclosing this to a clergy member, your college counselor, or a therapist in the community. Sometimes there are free counseling services in your community for women who are victims of sexual abuse. I would rather you disclose/ process this information in a safe, confidential, and totally supportive environment.

Hope you feel better :strawberry:

Call the police. Make a report of it over the phone. Let the police take it from there...

 

I believe that a safer route may be disclosing this to a clergy member, your college counselor, or a therapist in the community. Sometimes there are free counseling services in your community for women who are victims of sexual abuse. I would rather you disclose/ process this information in a safe, confidential, and totally supportive environment.

 

I completely agree with this advice. Whether you feel safe enough to report this, talking it through with someone who is there solely to help you is a very good idea.

Call the police. Make a report of it over the phone. Let the police take it from there...

 

Pretty smart idea - "was raped, now trapped in same house" etc. I feel so bad she is still in the house with him.

I completely agree with this advice. Whether you feel safe enough to report this, talking it through with someone who is there solely to help you is a very good idea.

The only problem with this is too much time will pass. She needs help now and a rape kit will be useless if not done soon. The police can best advice her. This is a unique situation. She is trapped in the house due to weather conditions...

i dont feel comfortable telling my friends, because they are better friends with the guy than me. I only met these people like 3 months ago and I dont feel close enough to any of them to tell them what one of their friends did to me. A couple of people who dont have power have come to the house im at, but the highways to get back to my town are still closed, plus I dont have a ride yet other than that guy. I really dont want to ride home with him, so i think im going to have to wait until he leaves to ask someone else for a ride. im upstairs in one of my friends rooms right now, but im going to have to join the group in a little while. I just cant sit in a room all by myself.

i dont really think i should report it to the police because i dont know what good it would do. I dont have any marks on me and didnt put up a real fight so its really just my word against his. I feel like it would make things worse if i went to the police. emotionally, i dont think i could handle it. I think it would be easier for me just to learn from the situation. i know if i call a hotline they will try to get the details and have me report it. I willingly just gave in after a while so i basically consented, i didnt scream or anything. i feel so stupid. looking back i just wish i screamed or something.

I can understand why you didn't want your friends to know. In that situation, I'd probably feel too humiliated to let other people know what was going on, or feel bad about causing trouble for someone that I considered a friend. Like others have said, this isn't your fault.

If you don't feel comfortable calling the police then please at least call the National Sexual Assault Hotline @ 1.800.656.HOPE. It's free and confidential. The group that sponsors it has an outstanding reputation.

Also it may not be impossible for you to leave the house - there are other people in the area who are receiving emergency transport for various reasons. Being stuck in the same house as your attacker seems like an excellent reason to offer you transportation to a medical clinic. If you haven't yet showered they could do a rape kit. Talk with the hotline about this. They can either help give you enough confidence to call police yourself or else they may be able to contact them as an advocate on your behalf.

Good luck, stay strong, this wasn't your fault!

You did not give in! You said no, multiple times. If you go to a hospital now you can get a rape kit done. Please believe us when we say this isn't your fault. Don't let him get away with violating you, he had no right