How does nc affect the dumper??

Does nc by the dumpee afftect the dumper???? Iam nc for 1 1/2 wondering if he thinks about us and what we had.

I wouldn't exactly say it's the same and has the same effect as NC.

You'd really benefit from it more. And use the NC as something to try to get over the break up. I wouldn't say they'd have as much difficulty with the break up since they initiated it. It's more like just the ending of a relationship.

All people (including dumpers!) are different. No two situations are the same. Personally, when I was the one who ended the relationship, I was relieved when contact stopped, because in the early stages it consisted of begging and pleading, and it's not nice to see someone you care about be lowered to that by something I'd done. Then, when the dumpee struck up contact wanting to be friends, not bringing up the relationship, that made me happy. We went out, then it turned into the begging pleading again. I woundn't change my mind so he went back to NC again. I respected that and left him alone.

I think, judging by my recent breakup (I was the dumpee) coupled with previous experiences, the natural reaction of dumpers when they've dropped the bombshell is to try to be friends. But the second you bring up the relationship or it's conclusion, they're out of there. They (we) want the reassurance that the dumpee doesn't hate them, they're not a terrible person, but ultimately that's all that they want.

The last conversation I had with my ex he was doing all the polite chit chat crap. I wasn't having any of that and badgered him for answers. From a reconcilliation point of view, that's a collossal * * * * up on my part. BUT I wanted answers so I could get my head around the situation. He ended the situation saying we can't talk again. I said, what ever? He said not for a long time. He can't cope with me asking all this stuff - it hurts him too much. I don't regret it though. As the dumpee, what I can't cope with is being left in a suspended unreality with this polite chit chat and forced friendship BS. Ultimately, I had to be true to myself, and I don't regret it at all.

Weird though, because at the end of the convo, I said ok, I accept your decision, hope you'll be happy, now please don't contact me for 60 days. He said 60 days is such a long time - can I text occasionally just to let him know I'm ok?!! In some ways, they're just as mixed up as we are. They just know that this is something they have to do, for them, and ergo for us too.

Ultimately you have to let them go for your own sake. You have to concentrate on you now. If all the LC mundane, nonsense chit chat will hold you back (and I'm sure in 99% of cases, it will), it's best just to knock it on the head. My ex hasn't contacted me since and that's getting on for a month. And that's ok. I'm sure he still thinks of me now and then, but that really isn't my concern. I have to go out there and make a new world of my own. I have to accept his decision not to be a part of that - well, too bad. Let him concentrate on him; I'm going to concentrate on me. What started out as making the best of a bad situation will only help me develop as a person, learn my lessons, let myself off the hook for the things I could have done better, and ultimately keep moving forward.

my ex didnt give me any closure, the only time we spoke was over the phone he acted angry at me, i didnt plea or begged him to come back, instead i asked for him to return my things, which he promised he would and never did, for some reason i believe hes holding on to my things to come back to me someday, when i say things i mean valuables things of mine.

If they aren't items you're prepared to write off, I'd let him know you want them. If you enter into NC when there's still unfinished business hanging over your head, it's not really no contact, it's postponed contact. In some circumstances, like where you co-own land or a business or have children or what not, this is unavoidable. But where it's tangible objects that can be retrieved, I'd retrieve them at the outset, otherwise it will just hang over your head.

yes tried to retreive them he avoids me , dosent answer to my calls............hes holding on to them, knows the mean a lot to e

Most dumpers go through an initial phase of relief, which is sometimes followed by regret, once the realities of life set in. Regret is not always the case though, so it is hard to say how NC affects various dumpers. It really doesn't matter that much because NC is the best tool available to build strength for the dumpee. It worked for me beyond anything else I could have hoped for.

As the dumper in my latest relationship, the only advice I can give you is if you're going to do NC, go all the way, not just 2 days or 1 week, it won't work.. You must do it for at least 3 weeks if you want to see results. Also NC doesn't mean to allow this person see you online, or see your facebook, just delete and block. NC works if you go for the 110% otherwise it will backfire.

As the dumper in my latest relationship, the only advice I can give you is if you're going to do NC, go all the way, not just 2 days or 1 week, it won't work.. You must do it for at least 3 weeks if you want to see results. Also NC doesn't mean to allow this person see you online, or see your facebook, just delete and block. NC works if you go for the 110% otherwise it will backfire.

Whats is this 3 weeks nonsense? And what results do you mean? Using NC as a tactic to get your ex back? If you go 110%, you go the distance and by distance I mean, you leave that person for good. You leave them with the intention of moving on. This is not a game. If they come back to you, then you deal with it then. There is no time frame for this. Its for the long haul. And NC is for the dumpee to heal and move on. IT IS NOT A TACTIC TO GET YOUR EX BACK.

and 3 weeks is nothing. Zero, Zip. Nada. if you seek reconciliation down the line, try something more like 6 months to a year.

Whats is this 3 weeks nonsense? And what results do you mean? Using NC as a tactic to get your ex back? If you go 110%, you go the distance and by distance I mean, you leave that person for good. You leave them with the intention of moving on. This is not a game. If they come back to you, then you deal with it then. There is no time frame for this. Its for the long haul. And NC is for the dumpee to heal and move on. IT IS NOT A TACTIC TO GET YOUR EX BACK.

 

and 3 weeks is nothing. Zero, Zip. Nada. if you seek reconciliation down the line, try something more like 6 months to a year.

Not that I am hoping to get my ex back, but wouldn't they have forgotten about us in a 6 months to a years time? Most people write their ex bf off as "never again" etc.

If anything, the dumper does think about the past relationship, but it takes more than that to get any real progress for reconciliation going.

Don't think about what he's doing, think about what you're doing.

If anything, the dumper does think about the past relationship, but it takes more than that to get any real progress for reconciliation going.

 

Don't think about what he's doing, think about what you're doing.

What more would it take? Say you worked on all of your issues and become more attractive etc. How would they see that if no one is talking to eachother? Maybe they would see a glance of you on facebook, but still, that wouldn't give much of your new personality away if your profile was private or something.

Not that I am hoping to get my ex back, but wouldn't they have forgotten about us in a 6 months to a years time? Most people write their ex bf off as "never again" etc.

First off they will not "forget" you. You may go down massively in priority and if that happens then that's life. If they really want to be with you, they will seek you out. But both people need time in order to reconcile. If you go back after only a couple of weeks, what does that do??? If the relationship was damaged, time is the only thing that can fix it-assuming both people worked on themselves and there was not cheating during the relationship.

If you both still have something for each other, you will meet again.

my ex didnt give me any closure, the only time we spoke was over the phone he acted angry at me, i didnt plea or begged him to come back, instead i asked for him to return my things, which he promised he would and never did, for some reason i believe hes holding on to my things to come back to me someday, when i say things i mean valuables things of mine.

the hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff

I find myself not thinking about my ex-gf of ten years too much anymore. I was away with friends for a week and it was great. This is my story:

After ten years, I wonder if she's thinking of me? We're only freshly broken up, about two months. I don't know if she's with the other guy now. She always said she only had room in her heart for me.

It feels like we're never going to speak to each other again, and I used to think not too long ago that we were just the perfect couple. It's nuts.

How could you forget about your boyfriend of ten years who you were going to marry, have kids with, live with, had an abortion with, grew up and changed with, traveled with, did everything with... It just doesn't seem right...

Whats is this 3 weeks nonsense? And what results do you mean? Using NC as a tactic to get your ex back? If you go 110%, you go the distance and by distance I mean, you leave that person for good. You leave them with the intention of moving on. This is not a game. If they come back to you, then you deal with it then. There is no time frame for this. Its for the long haul. And NC is for the dumpee to heal and move on. IT IS NOT A TACTIC TO GET YOUR EX BACK.

 

and 3 weeks is nothing. Zero, Zip. Nada. if you seek reconciliation down the line, try something more like 6 months to a year.

Agree - can't put a time limit on these things. All that will happen is you start to count how long its been - and base any future contact on time, rather than how you feel.

NC, as said, shouldn't be used as tool to get them back - it's for your own healing.

I accept the breakup and everything, but I'm just so scared that in a few years time he'll think of me and feel NOTHING whatsoever. I know I won't mind by then, but it just bothers me. If he felt something for me, he will right?

My mind keeps trying to give me false hope that he'll be in touch one day -_- after we've both grown a little...

but I really doubt that will happen, considering how it ended. Even though I was incredibly loyal, didn't cheat or lie etc.

*Sigh*

I mean, it's not that I want to have another shot with him, even though that would be nice (in the future of course), but what hurts the most is the notion that he has zero feelings for me and has fallen out of love or will not even have the capacity to say "Ah her. Yeah she was a nice girl." Lmao I suppose I'll never know.

I need to stop caring about what he thinks!!

Oh well. You can't change how someone feels about you, but you can change yourself =)

MissMazzi, I wrote this on another thread. Perhaps this is what you are feeling?

A GLIMPSE: Every once in a while and more frequently now, I get a glimpse of complete indifference about my ex and any feelings I have for her. I feel (for a moment) that she has completely slipped from my heart. Its strange because the feelings are mixed. One part of me is like "f--k yes!!!! I broke free from these shackles!!" Then another part of me panics for fear that she has just become another person in my life-its kinda like when someone dies, but you still can't really except that they are gone. I guess this is part of letting go completely, getting over it and moving on. This is also poetic. Its like two hands holding on and they are starting to slip away till eventually they are no longer reachable-to never be again. Its like our hearts just finally let go once and for all. One day, however, I don't think I will panic and I will truly and 100% break free from the shackles. I will be totally at peace. My heart will have let go 100%.

I hope to reach the state that you just wrote about.

I hope to reach the state that you just wrote about.

make room for something new.

i'm reminded again of paulo coelho...and a passage that's been shared here more than a few times. in the context of this thread...it works from both sides. i've been on both sides of the fence. and while the experiences were vastly different in so many ways...there's something fundamentally similar about any ending from any vantage.

anyway...

"one always has to know when a stage comes to an end. if we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

did you lose your job? has a loving relationship come to an end? did you leave your parents’ house? gone to live abroad? has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? you can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

you can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. but such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister. everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

that is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. let things go. release them. detach yourself from them.

nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.

stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. this may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

closing cycles. not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

stop being who you were, and change into who you are."

-- Paulo Coelho

That's very good advice.

But, I don't think I'm ready to let go yet

I don't want to let him go...despite the fact he's already let me go. Owch.

*sigh* Guess I have no choice. Looked him up again and he's moving on without me, making new friends etc.

-_- Can't help but feel that my ego has deflated slightly. Can't help but take it all so very personal....Feels like defeat.

Even if we were to talk now, he would still be cold and show no feelings to me whatsoever. I just wish I could accept that it had to end. He was so mean to me and I still CAN"T accept it. I think it's how he's turned this whole situation around to make me look like the bad guy and then he leaves. Messed up.

And, like...I just wish I had one apology from his poor behaviour towards me. It's not right that I'm hungup over the breakup, yet he treated me very poorly for a long time. I should of had boundaries and put my foot down very early on...wouldn't have escalated into this nightmare and I wouldn't have been such a mess to him. This is my fault. GRRR. But because he wasn't the dumped one, he won't think he's done anything wrong....

*pulls hair*

I have been wondering about this since my ex broke up with me around 3 months ago. We have kept in touch and seen each other up until 1 month ago when I left her country to return to the UK. Our last communication was about 2 weeks ago. Our communication has been friendly recently with the odd 'I miss you' from both parties. The thing is, she broke up with me because I did something she asked me never to do again. On the final night of our relationship the communication was warm and loving, in the end I forced her hand (what an idiot!). After the break up she pleaded with me not to stop contacting her (as she knew I had broken up with girls before and never contacted them again), she also suggested that if we could sort out our issues then she could see a future together. The truth is we were very much in love and I can't forget about her. I guess I am wondering what effect NC will have in this situation? Every ounce of me is dying to contact her, Im thinking about her constantly, and i don't want her to think that I just don't care, that she is just like every other girl, but the truth is I never felt this way about anyone. Do I wait for her to initiate or just bite the bullet and send her a friendly message?

*sigh* Guess I have no choice. Looked him up again and he's moving on without me, making new friends etc.

 

-_- Can't help but feel that my ego has deflated slightly. Can't help but take it all so very personal....Feels like defeat.

that's what hurts the most.

maybe you can't accept this ending right now...and feel really 'okay' with it all. that's okay. i think we all need to have these experiences that teach us the value of not losing ourselves. you can get lost in the bliss of romance...of new love -- feelings of wholeness and and oneness with another person -- without completely compromising your sense of being. you know? loving with boundaries. loving with dignity. loving with self-respect.

i've yet to meet the person who hasn't had to learn this one the hard way. valuable life experience. i'm sure right now you'd like nothing more than to just be rid of what you're feeling...but what you're feeling is what's showing you the way.

forget about accepting the end right now. focus on letting go of blame. let go of the aggression you feel towards yourself. you've got enough on your plate without giving yourself the gears. you're not some wretched creature who is only capable of making mistakes. sometimes the best medicine is a bit of gentleness for yourself. even if you don't think you deserve it...give yourself a break.

live through this and you'll reap the benefits.

I think in most situations it is impossible to know what the dumper feels, because it is unlikely that they will ever tell you absolutley everything behind their decision, from fear of hurting you too much. My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago and I initiated straight no contact, to try and help me start to move on, and then she has twice been in contact. When she last called she basically said she loves me and misses me but thinks it is the right decision, which makes it hard to understand what went wrong. I can't stop thinking about what I've lost, and whether there is a chance of getting her back, but it is impossible to know what she really feels so I think it is only going to send me backwards if I try and contact her. Would love to hear people's opinions on my story and what she said when she called after a period of no contact - see my thread titled ''My girlfriend broke up with me after 2 1/2 years... am i doing the right thing'' under the Breaking Up forums.