"Another streetcar will be along in fve more minutes."

Read the link below yesterday and thought of you folks.

Scientists equate the brain's reaction to being dumped to recovering from a death, and there's a tendency to turn to addictive-type behaviors. The desire to hear from the ex (via text, email, whatever) affects the brain in the same was a cocaine addiction does...

Helpful to think of it that way...

link removed

I lost my brother to cancer, a little less than a year ago. I can honestly say, that the loss of my ex was no where close to the pain I have experienced from this.

I just had to put my dog down, after 15 yrs. together -- and I can honestly say, that the loss of my pet, and the breakup with my ex -- caused the same, gut wrenching pain; the feeling that my heart had literally broken.

I'm not surprised. All scenarios constitute a very serious loss....losing a lover/boyfriend/girlfriend, losing a family member, losing a dear pet...it's all really heavy stuff. I'm not surprised that similar things are going on in the brain during all of these events.

Yeah I don't think the article is suggesting it is as much of an effect as the death of a loved one, but rather that the process of "grieving" a lost relationship parallels the process of grieving someone's death.

I've never lost a loved one other than to old age, so I wouldn't know from personal experience. But the worst breakup I had did feel, to me, like mourning a death -- especially since she ignored me completely. I felt dead to her. Horrible feeling...

Incidentally, I guess I am using this board as a substitute for trying to contact my (most recent) ex. The little "high" I get from reading and posting here fills that gap, in a way... I bet a lot of us are.

I'm just doing it cause I'm bored at work!!!

I'm just doing it cause I'm bored at work!!!

Or to gloat!

KIDDING! I love reading your posts

Actually I agree with it. I've had a easier time dealing with death than this break up. To me dying is just apart of living we all go through, some earlier than others. But for some reason not being able to talk to your ex when you know they are out there but they want nothing to do with you, that seems to hurt worse. Because it wasn't the person who dies fault to leave you, it was the dumpers conscience decision. For me that has somehow hurt worse.

The death of my sister was on a par with my fiance leaving me. At least if someone dies, theree a finality that you have to deal with. The end of a relationship leaves you with so many questions and so much false hope. Plus, when someone dies you don't have their corpse waking around with a new partner.

My last breakup happened the day after going to my cousins funeral. I don't think I ever got to process my cousins death at all. We weren't that close but I sometimes feel guilty that I got so consumed with my breakup, his death just went out of my mind.

Breakups have always been worse to me because in death there is this finality to it (though thankfully I've never lost a parent, that will probably be a different ballgame) you're almost forced to get to acceptance quicker because death can't be reversed. In breaking up, that person is still around and for me at least, I have a hard time being able to share everything with someone to just have that person vanish from my life.

I like reading articles like this on the science of it. The release of what chemicals, what parts of the brain are triggered, etc. It makes me feel a little bit less insane for how I've been feeling.

The death of my sister was on a par with my fiance leaving me. At least if someone dies, theree a finality that you have to deal with. The end of a relationship leaves you with so many questions and so much false hope. Plus, when someone dies you don't have their corpse waking around with a new partner.

I can replace a SO, I can't replace my brother. Big difference.

I remember feeling like that. It's like: death, at least you can comprehend it. But becoming dead to someone you love -- not only are they gone, there'st this whole element of rejection to deal with ("Did I really mean that little to her? Could I have been that wrong?"), and that feeling of "Am I handling this wrong? Should I just write her/ send her flowers/ show up etc.?") And of course I have abandonment issues. Just horrible.

Thank God my current BU isn't as bad as my last one. In retrospect, I hadn't fully grieved the end of my marriage when the new relationship ended, which made it particularly hellish. In this one, I know that if I want to, my ex will at least talk to me. I'm choosing not to impose that on her, though, as I feel like no good will come of it. It does make a difference -- feels less like death. Also, knowing I didn't do anything "bad" to cause the breakup -- that there's no way she hates me or regrets our time together-- makes it easier to take.

I know of both. My wife passed away four years ago due to cancer. My ex and I were together for two years till she moved out and back to her house 1,200 miles away a few months ago. So within fours years time I have lost my wife and an ex that I loved and wanted to marry.

They were different losses as mentioned above in previous posts. Dealt and dealing with them in different ways but the path is pretty similar. With my wife I didn't seek much help other than friends and family. Mainly dealt with it on my own.

When the ex left me I think her leaving ended up being compounded by the loss of my wife. It added to it I think. For me, the "rejection" feeling of the ex choosing to leave me was very tough to deal with. Put it like this, when my wife passed away I didn't end up on a message board like ENA here. When my ex started pulling away and ultimately left me is when I found this message board and I'm still on here to this date. What that means I don't have a clue but I do think the two are related with the added sense of rejection too boot.

And I will add this with no malice towards my ex but my wife was a beautiful wonderful woman and I say that not because she passed away but because she simply was. My ex wasn't her and I didn't expect her to be but in reality she wasn't nearly the woman my wife was, just a fact. Didn't mean I didn't love her still though. Like I said, I wanted to marry her.

Just my life experiences in the last four years.

Thanks.

My bf died in April. NO breakup has even come remotely close to this pain. How ludicrous to compare the two.

thejigsup,

First, sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. Other than that I can only speak for myself and my experiences in my losses.

I do think though that for most people on here the "rejection" of a boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband is one of the major losses for them to experience to date so to them it is very real and very painful. Again, I have experienced both within 4 years.

To them it's not "ludicrous" at all. They fortunately haven't experienced the death of a spouse/close family member/or bf/gf and it's what they know and feel is all.

Just my two cents.

Everyone grieves differently, it's not for us to judge really.

Plenty of people have committed suicide after breakups. Not saying that's reasonable, of course, but obviously breakups can be that painful.

My bf died in April. NO breakup has even come remotely close to this pain. How ludicrous to compare the two.

Of course it's ludicrous! The only way that someone can make the comparison is if they had not lost someone very close.

Yes. I had tremendous pain when my relationship ended, but the guy was a jerk (first love). You move on and find someone more suitable. But the loss of a loved one is nothing that can be replaced. Once my parents are gone, I'm on my own- i was supposed to share the coming years with my only sibling. The one thing I do know is that I will find someone who will treat me with love and respect. The ex is definitely replaceable!

Everyone grieves differently, it's not for us to judge really.

 

Plenty of people have committed suicide after breakups. Not saying that's reasonable, of course, but obviously breakups can be that painful.

I think they were already dealing with issues of depression if they get to that point.

I think they were already dealing with issues of depression if they get to that point.

Look someone who lost his wife felt the same as us. Don't be so judgmental.

Look someone who lost his wife felt the same as us. Don't be so judgmental.

How am I being judgmental? Don't you think that taking ones life is due to a result of ongoing depression? I would feel for the person that felt they had no other way to deal with things.

I think if we allow another to be out entire life and equate it to the loss of a loved one there is a problem. I too, loved my ex deeply but, I saw that I had my life ahead of me and would recover.

Because you called ludicrous above. Obviously it's not if a lot of people feel that it did hurt more or about the same. I mean I don't think anybody here would deny that someone dying is far worse rationally, and of course I would rather my ex break up with me than get killed. But, I have not grieved as much for anybody who has died in my life as much as I've grieved this break up and trust me there is a part of me that feels a bit guilty about that. But, I can't deny the truth that the rejection of someone I loved who I thought loved me back has hurt alot worse. Because I still know that the people who have died in my life still love me and that's not changing. I miss them but I still feel there love. Getting abandoned hurt worse. Even though I understand your point it shouldn't.

I am very sorry you were hurt in the manner you were hurt. I can relate, as my ex really did a number on me, too! The only thing that helped me was time and keeping VERY busy. Soon, things will become easier and life will become enjoyable.

i wish you the best!

Moderator note: Keep the posts respectful. Everyone grieves differently and you don't get to flame other members simply because they feel differently then you do.

Well said. Obviously a death is objectively much worse. No one is claiming otherwise. And losing a close friend or relative or lover before their time can haunt someone for the rest of their life. A breakup, on the other hand, while it may hurt incredibly, doesn't generally scar us for life and is more commonly, in fact, a good thing in retrospect. We know this logically. That doesn't make the pain we feel at the time any less valid though.

But I know I grieved and cried much more when my cat got hit by a car than when my beloved grandfather died, which does make me feel kind of guilty. I think that sometimes when something TRULY heavy happens, something in our makeup kind of automatically stiffens and we become strong by default. Whereas maybe when it's something less serious, like a breakup, that automatic defense mechanism doesn't kick in...

Not to get too deep, but when I was in school a girl I had a major crush on died in an accident. I just didn't get it -- it made me question my belief in a benevolent God, and the experience did change me forever. Lost innocence, I guess. I was going through some other things too. But another factor in how much something hurts is whether we can at least make sense of it. Someone good dying young though -- hard to make sense of that.

I don't think there's any need for anybody to argue or get defensive. To me, the death of a close loved one, and the permanent removal of a long-time partner from your life are very painful life events. In my mind, a loss is a loss. It's difficult losing anybody you care about, whether it's through death, breakup, or other life circumstances.

I lost a close relative through death; I lost my fiance of 6+ years through depression and breakup; and I lost a close friend through choice (severe drug and alcohol problems that I could no longer help them through, so I had to let her go). Each of those I consider a loss, each was indescribably painful. Neither of those three people are in my life anymore. Sure, two are living, but our lives will not cross again, and I grieved those relationships as well. Loss hurts, no matter how it occurs. Let's not try to compare our tragedies.