I'm starting to hate my wife. Is there something wrong with me?

[DN]

Let's not argue whether this is abuse or not - it won't help anyone. What is clear is that your wife is not treating you with consideration or respect and it is time you said that you will not put up with it any longer and that either she accompanies you to marriage counseling or she is putting the marriage in jeopardy. You should also tell her that you will not agree to her making or changing plans at the last minute without consulting you first. I suspect that if you tell her clearly and firmly and stick to your guns you will find she may be less insensitive.

[GrowingIn]

First off, you just made a huge generalization about women and what they're perfectly okay with. That is completely inaccurate and unfair. Secondly, it seems really irresponsible to tell this poster that it is abuse as though this were a fact. We are getting one side of a story and we don't know whether his wife is denying anything, we only know that this is what it feels like for him. It's one thing to say that a situation sounds abusive, quite another to say that's flat out what it is, unless it's something very black and white like a physical attack.

I'm not making generalizations about women. I'm talking about a very specific type of woman and situation. And that's exactly the problem. To a person that's been in it, it is as black and white as a slap accross the face. To an outsider who has not experienced it, it's virtually unnoticed. In fact, it may look like she's actually a hero. You can't see it. It's something you feel it and understand it. It is a method of basically slowly, and carefully eroding your partner's self esteem.

The best way I can describe it is through a scenario:

Imagine you love your woman. She's with you but you can tell she's no longer reciprocating your feelings but she chooses to stay with you without ever admitting she has stopped reciprocating. You go out with her somewhere. She kisses another man right in front of you. She knows you saw it. When you confront it, she never acknowledges her actions hurt you. Instead she may even make a joke, or discount the gravity while at the same time causing "shock" damage or try to confuse you : "i always wanted to kiss a full pair of lips" or "i was whispering something in his ear". It basically leaves you without words or hurt even deeper. If you push for acknowledgment she will manipulate herself right out of having to admit it by either changing the subject, blaming it on you, or causing a fight. It's like being shot in the arm, and then when you try to get them to admit they did and hurt you, they immediately hit you on top of your head with something.

Now, try to imagine for a second what the lover observing and going through all of this is feeling. Try to think of an appropriate response to the above situation. What would you do? How do you respond? How do you act?

On top of that she knows very well that her SO would never go to talk about this because of the humiliation he would feel by describing the event to other people and most of the time it's so unthinkable people have a hard time believing it. It's an emotional trap. And it doesn't have to be obvious but it's something that repeats in different situations, whether it's never giving in to something you ask, forgetting important events, putting you last on the list, etc, etc.

It really does feel like you are insignificant to that person. And that's typically the biggest giveaway which is what he initially said. The worst part? You notice she treats others differently, and displays normal behavior with them so all you are left thinking is "how can she not see that she is killing me by not being like that with me?" Like for example if she works, and a co-worker's birthday comes up she will make sure to give a present because she understands it's expected and the co-worker would feel unappreciated, but she doesn't display this consideration with you.

The hard part is trying to figure out if she knows what she's doing or not. I could be wrong, but I'll let 0of1 decide if this sounds familiar or not.

[annie24]

I agree completely. I would insist on couples' counseling. If she refuses, go alone until you figure out which path you want to take. Clearly, your marriage is in trouble if she chooses to spend her free day with her mother instead of her husband. I would bring this up to her. Things used to be good at some point, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't have gotten married, right??

I wish you all the best. Sadly, I do think that divorce is something that you should consider if she is unwilling to work with you.

[bulletproof]

I'm not making generalizations about women. I'm talking about a very specific type of woman and situation.

Because men never ignore a birthday? Men have never changed plans at the last minute? Inconsideration, or whatever you want to term what the o.p. is describing, is not specific to males or females.

I am respecting DN's request that there is not debate over whether this is abuse. The advice remains the same whether it's abuse or not- make sure that the wife understands the gravity of the situation and to get into counseling.

[0of1]

The comment "This is just my side" is true. I wasn't arguing who's point of view is correct, I was relating how her behavior is making me feel. I was curious if I am just being too picky or if maybe this kind of behavior is normal in other relationships. She acts as though the husband of the family is disposable. I don't care about a classification. It's not about that. Bulletproof, there is a difference between forgetting a birth date and forgetting to get a cake you called and said you were getting and then NOT apologizing or correcting the situation afterward. The store was still open. I went there myself.

I agree with many of the posts and I appreciate the time everyone has taken in responding. GroingIn does have it right but I don't think she intends to be as such. That doesn't change the fact that I feel like I am only here to provide a paycheck. I will do as suggested and go talk to a stranger (counselor) and tell them I don't know how to fix my own marriage. I have to because nothing has changed. My efforts only end in arguments and an unhappy family that didn't go anywhere when I stood my ground. (kids loose out)

This weekend, I told her I wanted to spend some time together. Friday our time together consisted of a late lunch and buying groceries. Today she told me she was going to help out at work for a bit. They recently closed the restaurant where she works and were moving things out. She left at 10am. At 12pm she txts me to go ahead and eat lunch. At 650pm she txts me again to go ahead and eat dinner. I fed my son at 6:30pm. I wasn't going to make him wait. Again another text at 830pm with "I'll be home later". I complained and she said "sorry, I'm helping a friend move and I'll be home soon". She finally gets home at 1130pm. I tell her I want to spend time together and she spends 13.5 hours out. On top of that she told me bit by bit so I ended up wasting the day just waiting for her to get back. My son and I watched some movies and played wii. And in typical fashion, at some point she found time to go to her mother's house and make plans with her brother to go visit their grandparents tomorrow. An hour away. But since "it was last minute," I could stay home. Plain mockery there. What I wanted was to spend some quality time with her and all I get is this crap and an offer to stay home. Great.

Thanks again for the posts. I'll reply again after I see a counselor.

[0of1]

Thanks Dan10. Appreciated.

[DN]

I think you should be going to see a lawyer not a counselor.

[bulletproof]

I will do as suggested and go talk to a stranger (counselor) and tell them I don't know how to fix my own marriage.

Perhaps I am reading into this, but it seems like you are upset about the idea of counseling. Why should you automatically know how to fix your own marriage? Clearly plenty of people do not, or the divorce rate wouldn't be what it is.

[0of1]

It's not that I'm upset about going to counseling. It makes a person feel like a failure. It also points to the 'last' thing that will happen with at least a positive goal. I got her to agree to go to counseling with me at least a few times but I honestly feel that she is just going so that she can look our kids in the eye when they get older and say "I tried everything". She says she's willing to try but it has been 2 weeks since we had this talk and she still does not touch, cuddle, hold hands, kiss, fall asleap in the same bed, etc. I even have to ask her to sit with me on the same sofa. She also 'forgot' her wedding ring 2 days in a row this weekend. Makes me wonder how long she's been forgetting it when I'm at work. All the while I've been taking the family out, got her roses, chocolates, I'm paying extra attention to her, did the groceries so she didn't have to, etc.

As for the divorce rate being so high, I think there are too many people like her that just are not willing to try to resolve issues and would rather just collect child support and trade in their husband. She did it before and her mother is on her 4th marriage so it's obviously not going to be shunned in her family.

If you are reading this and you are currently having issues with your significant other, TALK TO THEM. Don't let the situation stew until you no longer want to fix the problem.

[sunshine951]

I hate to say it but she just isn't that into you anymore. She might even be cheating on you. I would definitely move to separate. Then go from there. You might find out that life might be better for you without her in it.