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Thread: I'm starting to hate my wife. Is there something wrong with me?

  1. #1
    0of1
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    I'm starting to hate my wife. Is there something wrong with me?

    About 6 months ago I wanted to be dead. I would fantasize about car accidents. I would dream I'd die in my sleep and wake up depressed because I woke up. Then I realized it came from being treated like I was insignificant. Sorry this is long but I really need to vent.

    My wife doesn't ask my opinion before planning things with her mother or brother's family even if it overrides plans we've already made. (us + kids) One day, she asked me to cook dinner the kids, then her brother calls wanting us to go to his daughter's concert he forgot to tell us about. She gets home THEN tells me and packs up the kids to go. Food I prepared ready on the table.

    I work 1.5 hour drive away. Only job I could find. She refuses to move closer because she wants to live near her mother. (currently 15 min. away)

    My birthday, she calls me from the grocery store and asks if I want my favorite kind of pie because I don't like cake. She then forgets to buy it. She doesn't apologize or even go to the store accross the street. I go out myself at 9pm to get something. I was depressed as I was eating it anyway. She ends up getting me the damn pie 6 days later. I wasn't thrilled as you can imagine. THEN she tried to make me feel bad for not appreciating her effort.

    We throw my son a birthday party at Chuck E's the Sat. before his birthday. Most of her family don't show up. We also planned a small dinner at home on his actual birthday, just us and the kids. I had to work on his actual birthday and while at work she txts me that family are now coming. Then txts me again, that there are too many coming so we are moving the party to my mother in law's house. I had only had 3 hours of sleep and now had to go to my in-laws.

    We only have sex when she feels like it. Much less than my libido or her's when we got married. It has gotten to the point that I don't bother approaching her anymore. I just wait until she's in the mood and agree to it. I really want to deny her like she does to me but if I did, I'd never have intimacy. Meanwhile, I feel dirty and demoralized because I'm starting to look at other women. I'm Christian and this really causes me emotional strife.

    Just yesterday we both had the day off. She spent it with her mother, didn't call or txt me when she would be home so I ate dinner by myself. She got home at 8pm and brought her 2 nieces for a sleep over. She is working today and left me in charge of them. Didn't bother to tell or ask me about that either.

    So I tried to talk to her. She doesn't see any of this as selfish and gets snappy with me. When I explained that it's making me VERY depressed, she said there was something wrong with me and that I should see a psychiatrist. Is this normal 'wife' behavior? Am I asking too much or has she forgotten what is involved in being a couple? I resent how I'm being treated and have begun to hate her for not seeing how disrespectful she is of me. FYI: I am seeking a family counselor but not sure if it's because I think divorce would cost more in the long run.

  2. 08-20-2011, 04:45 PM
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  3. #2
    Moontiger
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    You are in an abusive relationship. I see her actions as mentally abusive to you. Whats sad is, because you are male, the world doesn't see your wife's actions in they same way they would if your genders where reversed.

    Go see a therapist, you need to. Then tell your wife that if she wants to save your marriage you want to go to couples therapy. I would bet any amount of money she will not like what she hears there. But that is unimportant. Whats important is what you will get out of it, first validation, then, hopefully the strength to stand up to your wife look her in the face and tell her "I'm to good for you."

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    Iakasot
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    There's nothing wrong with you, your wife is a controlling and abusive person who does the bare minimum to think of herself as a good person in her head and think of everyone else as bad for challenging that image she has of herself, and thus justify treating other people bad. She can't do that freely to kids because they'd just be like "baahh i don't like you, daddy's better". If you stand up for yourself, she'll just call it abuse to try and shut you down. Yeah, I suggest making some friends who see it your way so that you can get your confidence up in articulating your opinion, and going to a counselor.

  5. #4
    Kitkat973
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    Depression can come solely from within, but in this case it sounds like there are a lot of external factors in play that are part of why you feel this way. It also sounds like she's trying to dismiss your feelings and your right to have them by shunting the blame off onto depression.

  6. #5
    bulletproof
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    I'm not sure I would go so far as to call this abusive, but she definitely sounds inconsiderate. I also think that depression does come from within, and while your situation may be aggravating your depressive state, it isn't the sole cause of it.

    I also think that a lot of the situations you described are not in and of themselves necessarily that much cause for distress. For instance, your son's bday party- is it that big a deal to have to go to your in-laws because of the number of people? I realize that last-minute changes can be frustrating, especially if they are on a regular basis, but I also think that we pick our battles. Is it worth being upset about, or are some of these instances times when you could have rolled with the punches a little more?

    Overall, I agree with those saying that you need to tell her that this is very serious, and that counseling is the only way you see fixing things right now. At the very least, you'll then have a mediator who can gauge the situation and perhaps give perspective to both of you.

  7. #6
    tinkerbellkj
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    Spot on. I agree completely with this post.

  8. #7
    SayWhen
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    She sounds inconsiderate, not abusive. While it sounds like you have physical intimacy, there really is no emotional intimacy, and that is making your marriage suffer. Your wife takes you for granted, clearly. Since you have tried telling her how you feel, and she has been dismissive, maybe it is time to bring up a therapist (as you mentioned). If she doesn't agree to go and doesn't agree to change in a way that you don't feel taken advantage of, you may need to separate. I usually do not advocate for divorce but honestly from reading your post, I feel if I was in your position I would be very depressed. Forgetting you on your birthday is absolutely inexcusable...and then making you "celebrate" alone? Not okay. It sounds like she expects a lot from you and then doesn't really "give" in return. When my husband makes me dinner I am grateful to him because we are both busy and it gives us a chance to sit down and enjoy being with each other while eating a nice meal. I don't tell him that something else is MORE important and that he can just put the dinner away for another time...you need to make time for each other as a couple. Your wife could have told her brother that you already had plans OR you could have just gone a bit later to the concert. She sounds very self-involved...I hope you can find a way to work with her but she seems to think all problems stem from you. I would ask if you do things to show that you care for her and your family but from reading this I really feel that you are not very much the problem here...maybe you have just taken a bit too much of her selfishness. I wish you luck...it's never easy to consider divorce when there are children involved.

  9. #8
    Stay_home
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    There's a lot of problems within your marriage, but nothing that death can help with. Before you get too far into to counseling about your marital problems, don't forget to mention this.

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    dan10
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    just to keep things strait, you sound like an incredibly tolerant person and your wife sounds like she really needs someone to give her a kick in the pants and let her know that she is not treating you right.

    that being said, i dont think that you can take the time to go to therapy and whatnot. you need to get out of the relationship before the whole situation hurts your kids. I really think it is about them at this point and no matter how bad or problematic a divorce may be i can promise you that it will be way wayyyyy worse for your kids if you end up dead because of this.

    if you want to stay with her then let her know that you want to make things work for the kids sake but she can not keep treating you this way. keep it 100% about the kids. tell her that you cannot raise happy and mentally stable children when you are not happy or mentally stable yourself and she is the cause of it.

    i'm sorry you are going through this and if you start feeling like you want to die again send me a pm first. i've spent a good deal of time fantasizing about my own death and i've found that it is easier to talk to someone who as gone through it instead of trying to explain the feelings to people who just dont get it.

  11. 08-20-2011, 08:40 PM
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  12. #10
    bulletproof
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    Quote Originally Posted by GrowingIn [Register to see the link]
    It's basically best described as a refusal to acknowledge that you are emotionally hurting your partner. Yes it is being inconsiderate. But it goes beyond that when the person being inconsiderate denies that their actions are having an effect on their partner when the partner tries to address their issue. It is in your face disrespect, without ever using a bad word, or admitting that you are doing that. There is no way to combat this from a male perspective in today's age and get your partner to change other than divorce or totally submitting to their partner, which would in effect only worsen his condition. But women are perfectly ok living in these situations and typically flourish.
    First off, you just made a huge generalization about women and what they're perfectly okay with. That is completely inaccurate and unfair. Secondly, it seems really irresponsible to tell this poster that it is abuse as though this were a fact. We are getting one side of a story and we don't know whether his wife is denying anything, we only know that this is what it feels like for him. It's one thing to say that a situation sounds abusive, quite another to say that's flat out what it is, unless it's something very black and white like a physical attack.

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