HI all, I'm new to ENA, and I just wanted to talk. I just want someone to listen. I know this is long, but I appreciate you for reading it.
7 months ago, I began an LDR with my friend of 5 years. We are from the same city, and were always there for eachother. She is 20 and I am 22. Around December, during winter break, we started dating, and it went LDR since our colleges are 12 hours apart. I would visit once a month, and we would talk everyday. This was my first serious relationship. Throughout the relationship, issues arose. She would call for every little thing- ie: just to tell me that she stubbed her toe, she needed help with govt., She was very indecisive, and would often call me (12 hours away) asking with help to make decisions- should she eat here, should she go out, do this, not do this, etc. It was a difficult time for her since she had just transferred universities and didn't know anyone. She lacked confidence with school, self esteem, didn't have a big social circle etc. I enjoyed being with her, and helping her, but after a while it wore me down, and I felt like a therapist when she would call in the middle of the night, or with the smallest minute issue that could be dealt with in a matter of seconds by herself. I would encourage her, tell her it would get better eventually, and encourage her to get out there and meet people, but it didn't work.

One of the big issues of the relationship was that I wanted to travel abroad. I was supposed to go to France this coming Fall, but it didn't work out, so I have decided to graduate early.This bothered me because we had always supported each others plans since knowing each other, but things changed apparently when we entered a relationship. She would get upset that I was leaving, even though i didn't even have a plane ticket, and in the end, things fell through, and I'm not going.

Another issue was grad school. She got upset when I said it would be nice if we went to grad school, but it wasn't a big deal if we didn't. And that's true,, I always believed we should do what is best for us individually, and the relationship would work out. But no, she would take it as it wasn't important that we be closer, and I didn't really care about the relationship, which wasn't the case.

So throughout the 7 months, we would get more frustrated with each other because we would argue about things that had yet to happen. She wanted a plan for the future- it's hard to get a plan when we aren't even done with undergrad yet. So, we broke up about 3 weeks ago, and it was mutual- but it still hurts a lot, She recently admitted to me that she was too dependent on me and that it was bad, that she was a dependent person, not an independent, and relied on those around her for help.

I recognize that I should have set boundaries, and tried to, because I would tell her that she didn't need me to make her decisions for her, that she could make her own, but I guess she never caught on. I just want help understanding this all. I guess I thought that we had been friends for 5 years, so we would be good in a relationship, that we already accepted each other for who we were, but that wasn't the case. We still hang out occasionally, and talk, but it just hurts, it's different. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not analyze the what ifs of the relationship. I want to be able to wake up, and have the first thing I think about not be her! I want to be able to let go, and realize that it wasn't all me, and move on with life. I want her to realize that she doesn't have to be distant. I don't regret dating her, I mean we are who we are today because of the past 5 years. I just miss the person who I knew for 5 years, the times that we'd push each other to succeed. I'm not mad at her. I understand it ended, what's done is done. I just want to feel okay!! I want my mind to stop thinking of her. I can't make someone contact me! Im not asking to be like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and erase the past 7 months, I don't want to erase the memories. I just want to feel okay!! I want to let go, accept that we are human, that it is what it is, that nothing can be done now, I want to move on!! Be happy, spend my time, and energy thinking about other things, but its so hard! The world is my playground, I have so many opportunities ahead of me, yet I can't seem to get around this. I just want to feel okay! It hurts on the inside.We are still friends on some level, I just want to let go, and be okay. I want to be able to wake up and smile, and not feel like there is hole inside of me. I want to be able to call my friend up and ask to go hiking in the mountains just like old times. I dont know when/if we will ever get back to that; im hoping we do, but more than anything, I just want to be okay.