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Thread: What is the best way to break up with narcissistic/abusive boyfriend?

  1. #1
    nicoleh24
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    Exclamation What is the best way to break up with narcissistic/abusive boyfriend?

    He has his good days and his bad days. However, after doing alot of research I am realizing he is definitely portraying narcissistic/mental/physically abusive traits.

    He is triggered very easily. All I have to do is randomly ask "hey, why did you tell me Im a worthless, pathetic loser, who sleeps with her stepfather (hes been saying this alot bc I told him my stepfather was borderline sexually abusive growing up) and I should kill myself (I confided in him the despair I felt during a serious bout of depression-now when hes angry he says I should go ahead and kill myself bc Im a pathetic loser-it would make my family happy)" and he goes off the deep end and wants to break up-any confrontation and implication that he should apologize for something hes done or said (HE NEVER DOES). Instead of apologizing he'd rather break up.

    So my question is-whats the best way to break up with a narcissist? I broke up with him twice in the past and he came crying and apologizing to me after a day-and stalked me-crying and begging me to be back with him LOUDLY outside my apartment door.
    I just want a clean break-no animosity. Yet even after a civilized break up he harrassed me for hours by phn texting me horrible insults regarding my appearance, my family-you name it. I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT AGAIN I JUST WANT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE!!!
    Last edited by sidehop; 08-16-2011 at 10:50 PM. Reason: Language....

  2. #2
    sidehop
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    If he's that abusive but also become hostile make it clear to him what your intentions are and expect zero contact. Also make it clear if he does pull the stunt like last time you'll put restraining order against him. Nowadays the police take this type of harassment very seriously.

    When you are absolutely ready to break up, follow through and don't let him sweet talk you or give him any room.

  3. #3
    sadchick83
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    You have to cut him off 100%, and figure out why you keep letting and abuser back in your life. Seriously? He told you to kill yourself? This relationship is so toxic. I doubt telling you this was the first evil thing he said to you. By allowing this type of communication and taking him back is telling him its ok to treat you like this.

    Cut him off 100% and look forward to a abuse/drama free life.

  4. #4
    nicoleh24
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    oh trust me i feel like an idiot even typing that-hes said/done much more hurtful things.

  5. #5
    catfeeder
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    By phone. I've been trapped before by one of these until I'd cave and un-break-up, and that's nonsense. When someone is a vampire, don't put yourself in his presence. Just call, tell him this isn't working for you, and insist that no amount of stalking will change your mind--although it will bring the police rather quickly.

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    lukeb
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    The last thing you want to do is this:

    Quote Originally Posted by nicoleh24 [Register to see the link]
    All I have to do is randomly ask "hey, why did you tell me Im a worthless, pathetic loser, who sleeps with her stepfather
    That is calling him out, you wouldn't be saying that if you didn't want him to respond. I have a feeling that no contact with this guy is going to be especially difficult for you. It is going to take a lot of will power on your part. It is really no use getting a restraining order against him but for you to break the restraining order. Unfortunately this happens a lot. You really only have control over the things that you do. What made you fall for this guy? That is a question you need to ask yourself. Good luck

  7. #7
    In the Dark
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    Another one of these people who use abuse and threats to put their partner in their place so they have a hard time leaving.

    First step maybe braking up by phone, after this he will most likely contact you again, face to face and blow up.
    After this he may act nice and apologetic until you do get back with him but don't buy into it.
    It's all temporary.

  8. #8
    thali
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    The man I am in the process of breaking up with (and I promise you it is a long and tedious process with a lot of drama and hurt), also NEVER appologised, not once. For him, every single problem in the relationship is my fault, and after 2 weeks my moving in with him, in a different country, he said we should go separate ways when we had a fight (and it was a really insignificant fight, I cannot even remember what it was about). I was so crushed. How can these guys do that? Don't they realise how hurtful it is when you've given them your heart and are willing to give up so much for them? It then became such a normal thing that at every fight he would either say we should go separate ways, or sit me down and tell me to figure out what my problem was and why I was ruining the relationship. He would not let me get up until I came up with something. It was awful. I would be sitting there for hours with him telling me I had a psychological problem and he was going to help me fix it, but first he wanted me to go inside myself and find what the problem was. I didn't know what to say to him and just cried, but he just sat there telling me to find my problem. Not once did he see how much he was hurting me and how distrought I was, if anything, when I cried, he had a smug look on his face, as if it made him feel big and powerful to reduce me in such a way. Of course, he did not have a problem, and did not have ANY responsibility AT ALL in the downfall of the relationship. So I really empathise with your situation. It is heartbreaking to be told at every fight that he wants to break up, that it's your fault and to be with someone who NEVER takes any responsibility for what is going on.

    An other thing which was striking was the way after a fight, I think any normal person would need some time to recover, at least I do. I try to get in a happy mood, but it may take and hour or two. Once the fight was over, that he had lectured to me for hours, got me to appologize, within one second he was bright and happy, and then would just tell me how negative I was for not doing the same. But I couldn't, I was deeply wounded and it takes time to recover. Once he wanted sex immediately after, and I said to him I was still feeling very upset and I couldn't immediately to which he said "but sex has got nothing to do with fighting or being happy, it's a daily necessity like breathing" and I swear, he was not even trying to be funny when he said that.

    A clean cut is very difficult, I've never found it so difficult to cut someone out of my life, but they say that that is one of the things about being in a narcisstic/abusive relationship, somehow it feels so much more intense than any other relationship. I think one falls in love with the promises even when one comes to realise they are empty. One falls in love with this beautiful future that he has constructed in the beginning and keeps wanting to get back to how things were and build towards those happier days he has been promising for so long. But I think a clean cut is the only way, otherwise he'll keep coming back and putting you through all the trauma again. You work towards recovery, and him coming back just puts you right back at square one. It is just not worth it. I know what I'm talking about, I've been goint through this for over 3 months now.

    Be strong. Nothing is worth this. Big Hugs.
    Last edited by thali; 08-17-2011 at 03:00 AM.

  9. #9
    thali
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    I read these two books over the week-end, they did not solve my problems nor my pain, but for the first time in months, I seemed to understand why he behaved in a certain way. It was kind of eye openning:

    Help I'm in love with a narcissit by Carter and Julia Sokol
    Narcissistic lovers: How to cope, recover and move on by Cynthia Zayn and M.S. Kevin Dibble

  10. #10
    chitown9
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    Quote Originally Posted by in the dark [Register to see the link]
    another one of these people who use abuse and threats to put their partner in their place so they have a hard time leaving.

    First step maybe braking up by phone, after this he will most likely contact you again, face to face and blow up.
    After this he may act nice and apologetic until you do get back with him but don't buy into it.
    It's all temporary.
    for all those being abused, take note of this post!!!!!!!!

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