How can someone just leave you for dead when you've been there for them so many

How can someone just leave you for dead when you've been there for them so many times?

Hi all,

I may or may not post the relationship story in its entirety because it was almost 2 years long with tons of baggage but here's the short version I guess:

I was in a unhealthy, co-dependent relationship with my ex for almost 2 years. I know it's bad, but from the beginning, I needed her to change multiple things about herself in order for me to stay. I know, I know. That's not healthy in anyway possible but we just had such an intense connection that we couldn't let go. I wanted to help her so badly and she wanted to "fix" me too because I have a ton of emotional and self-esteem issues as well. Well, as you may have guessed, she never really changed over the 2 years even though she promised to change all the time. She wanted to change too because she wasn't happy with where she was as a person. But people don't change unless they do it for themselves. I did help her with multiple changes but it wasn't enough. Again, I know this is unhealthy During the whole relationship, I had one foot out the door because of the issues I didn't like about her.

I must have tried to break it off about 50x in our relationship. Every time I did, she would beg me back and tell me that would die without me, she needed me, loved me more anything, has never felt a connection this close before and never will. She would promise to change each time. I needed her too I guess. I always took her back.

In April of this year, I decided to break it off for good. I thought we couldn't go on the way we did and I wasn't happy with her. I did it in person. She was pretty much suicidal. She called me and texted so many times begging me back. She did this throughout all the other break up attempts but this was much worse. I feared she was going to hurt herself so I had to call her parents (with whom I did not have a good relationship) to make sure she was ok. A week or so passed and she was contacting me again. I told her that I couldn't keep talking to her 'cause I couldn't give her false hope but she was so lonely and had no one so I talked her more and more. A weekends later, her parents left for the weekend and she asked me to stay with her. I did not want to but I did because she was so alone. Up until this point, she had asked me to have sex with her but I declined each time. She said she would be able to deal with it but I knew better and didn't want to crush her. She had started sending me naughty photos, going out and making me jealous and told me to take ownership of her. So that weekend we spent together, we had sex.

We started talking more and more and she kept begging me to come back. I eventually caved in and decided to give it another go. During the last run at the relationship which last about a month or so, things went really poorly. I hated being with her, didn't want to see her, and I would reject all of her attempts at affection. I have intimacy issues which always killed her but I was worse this time around. It got so bad that pretty much every few days, I said I wanted quits.

Then last month, when I said I wanted quits, she was fine with it more or less and even said she promised herself that the next time I said I wanted to end it, she would accept it and not look back. We then kind of agreed to keep staying together but the next night after this talk, she said she wanted to talk to me and told me that we should break up. I was not happy obviously and said some really mean stuff but after the phone call was over, I was more or less fine for the following week. A week after this, I texted her and asked her if she had met someone else because I can't believe how easily she handled the break up. She was really cold and border-line rude. Said she did meet a guy and he's everything to her that I never was. I thought she was just being mean but then a week later, I found out that she started seeing someone on the day she broke it off with me. I was crushed. I never felt so sick in my life. I frantically texted her and told her I knew she cheated on me. (She told me later (when I showed up at her house a 4:00am) she started talking to him only on facebook 2 weeks prior to breaking up with me but they never talked on the phone, texted or hung up before she broke it off. I believe her I guess.)

She basically replied that I drove her to do this because I was so cold, never paid attention to her, never showed her that I cared etc. I was angry and sent messages letting her know that she betrayed me etc. That same night, I texted her and she replied a bunch. I told her that I loved her and that I needed her but because she betrayed me, we could never be. I then told her I'd show up at her place. I was out with a friend that night so I our conversation was really late. She talked on the phone and even called me back multiple times when I hung up. She told me not to show up and turned off her phone but I showed up there at like 4:00 am and she let me in. I broke down to her and just felt so betrayed. We ended up having sex even though she had sex with that other guy 1 week ago (1 week after breaking it off with me). So I was wondering what was next and she said she'd leave it up to me.

Then a few hours later, I called her and she was ice cold. Said she couldn't do this anymore and she's done with me. For the next few days, I sent her a ton of texts starting with how she soul-crushed me and how she could do this when she told me so much stuff like she'd never betray, she loves me so much etc etc. Then I started sending the "I love you so much and want you back" type texts. I told her that she's my soul mate and that I need her. I said that I know have a ton of issues to work on and I know I didn't do half the things I should have done with her but I would change. Most of the texts were unanswered. I sent one text telling her to call me if she ever cared about me and she did. I tried to tell her how much we needed each other, how much I love her, and how much I know I need to change and I will but again, she was ice-cold. A few hours later, I sent her a final email saying all the stuff I never got to say on that final phone call because she wasn't having any of it and have been in NC ever since then (only 4 days I told her why we were soulmates, and that I'd wait for her forever.

Here's the thing, she's always been the outcast ever since she was young. Even at work, people would get together and leave her out. She has a few "friends" but they often will bail on her treat her with disrespect. She had so many bouts of anxiety and minor depression throughout our relationship. Even though at many times I was fed up with her and emotionally unavailable, I was ALWAYS there for her when no one else was. She would always say that I was her only confidant and her only rock. One thing that was particularly hurtful was when I tried to tell her that I know she still feels something because I felt it when we had sex that night I showed up at 4:00am, she said she just used me for sex because she was horny. This hurts even more because when I tried to break things off with her in April, she was hanging off of me begging me to have sex with her one last time but I refused because I knew she wasn't in the right state of mind. When I had sex with her that last time, I was a wreck and completely it shambles and I don't want to believe that she used me.

My post doesn't begin to describe our relationship and how toxic it was but also how close of a bond we felt. She apparently really likes this new guy now which just kills me because it makes me feel that what we had was a farce. She would always be so upset because she assumed that I would get over her really quickly if we were to broke up but she said it would take her like a year. But now, she not only started an emotional affair before actually ending it, she actually really really likes the guy. For the first few days, I wasn't able to move out of my bed and I lost 8 lbs. I have never felt that kind of pain in my life but she just didn't care.

Now I'm not saying that she's really to blame for going to another guy because things were so bad between us. For example, during our last month, she would ask me many times why I was even in the relationship and I said multiple times: "I don't know. I don't really want to be. Just take it or leave it." I treated her poorly so many times but when it came down to it, I was always there for her and always made sure she was Ok. How can she just leave me for dead and not care?

When will this pain stop? I'm not thinking logically at all and all I can think about is our bond and all the mistakes I made in our relationship. I'm romanticizing our relationship and just want to go back in time before she broke it off with me. Everyone has told me from the beginning that the relationship wouldn't work and that it was truly terrible but I don't care. I just want to be with her and be there for her. I want to change all my negative ways and hold her again. It's been 9 days since I found out about her seeing someone else and I thought I was making a huge step forward in my progress but since last night, I'm back in the same rut. I just want it to stop

I can't say I have a lot of sympathy, since you knew this was coming and you were very cold to her prior to breaking up. She is just returning the favour and she's found someone to make her happy (for the moment). If you did get her back, realistically nothing would be different from how it was before. You need to move on. That can be very hard when you have become to accustomed to having that special person in your life, whether the relationship was good or bad.

Quit focusing on her and focus on yourself. She's not your problem anymore, and you're not hers.

I've recently also broken off from a toxic relationship, and though I have had pangs to get back with her, the best thing to do is to take a deep breath and remember all the reasons why it didn't work. Texting her would either lead to her being "mean" or accepting my love. Then ending up back in a toxic relationship or being crushed by rejection.

Thank you for your reply somethngwrng. I know what you said is 100% true and my friends have said it too but I just can't stop. I wanted out so many times and especially wanted out at the end but now that it has ended, I hurt so much.

FWIW, I'm very sure this guy is just using her for sex and will give her the boot at any point. This makes me feel so bad for her and makes me want to "save" her again. It's so unhealthy on my part. It also makes me feel hurt because even though I treated her poorly so many times, I always cared and wouldn't ever hurt her like that but now she's about to get her fragile self-worth crushed again.

This was an extremely toxic situation.

I would get some counseling immediately! You have some serious co-dependency problems. Time to deal with it!

Don't you recognize that you only want her when she is with someone else.

It has only been 5 days of NC and I just want to contact her so badly. I have to stay strong but it's so tough.

Our relationship was just not what a relationship should be. Throughout most of it, she almost idolized me; she looked to me for all sorts of direction in all aspects of her life and would seek me for comfort. I am in my mid/late 20s and our age difference is 5 years but she has always had issues with motivation and her life standing is kind of a mess. She wants to do stuff and improve where she's at but she never did the stuff she promised to do/change over the past 2 years. It's kind of weird because I wanted to help her but at the same time, I guess sub-consciously I got more and more fed up and lost more and more attraction and respect for her. It also didn't help for me because although I've accomplished a decent amount, I am not where I want to be in life and I've had issues with depression and low self-esteem so I was just always super negative while not liking where she was in her life.

I know this isn't how a relationship should be. At times, I felt like I was more of a parent than a partner. We shouldn't want to "fix" each other. I know all this. But I just can't stop thinking of her and getting another chance with her. I keep thinking of how much of the relationship sucked truly because it sucked, and how much of it was me projecting my inner-demons and unhappiness towards it. Perhaps it was a combo of both but I just want to go back to 1.5 months ago.

I don't even know how to make sense of all the thoughts and emotions rushing through me. On one hand, I think "To hell with her. I helped her change so much and I was her only source of motivation so she's going to crash without me." But then I think: "I just want to be there for her. I love her and need her." And I also think: "This just isn't healthy. I need to grow as a person and work out my inner demons and I have to realize that she left me and even if she didn't, that's not what a healthy relationship should be."

Also, in my mind, I kind of wish that in a month or soon in the future, her relationship with this new guy ends so then the glow will be over and things will go back to where things were before with her meaning her friends would periodically ditch her and disrespect her, she would feel lost about her future/current job, feel alone, feel unmotivated and then realize that even though I was so cold so many times and often pushed away her affection, I was truly there for her when she most needed it. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I should want her to be happy and to grow as a person and I actually NEED to want her to have that so I grow as a person as well. Ugh I just can't stop. I need to stop thinking about this. I need to move on. How come I can't?

Think about the fact that you constantly wanted to break it off. Think about all the caring and nurturing you had to do. You know all of these things, but you really need to accept that this was not the woman for you. I don't think she's the woman for anyone. Obviously you both have issues, and until you're both healthy on your own it's not going to change. I understand how you feel, because I've had it happen to me as well. You have a lot of work to do. Forget about her and what she's doing. Start healing and get on your own two feet. Delete her number, throw out everything that reminds you of her, or put it in a box and take it a friends.

Read the guide at the bottom of my signature. Keep NC for at least 90 days. She's in a rebound and she needs someone else to lean on for happiness. Also not healthy. Don't do that, heal and move on first. If you have issues with low self esteem and depression you need to figure out why. You are repressing thoughts, feelings and emotions for some reason or another. Start reading and working on yourself.

I would probably start with You can heal your life by Louise Hay. I have a book thread as well if you search the forum for it. Read whatever you feel you need to work on. You're a lot like I was to a point. It probably turned your whole world upside down. Mine is just getting turned back around, but I have nobody to thank for that but myself. I'm on a pedestal now, not the person I was with who I haven't talked to for 4 or 5 months. You have to know that your good enough. Never look to another to make yourself feel worthy. KNOW that you are.

For a healthy relationship to take place BOTH people, not just one need to be in a place where they are mentally healthy. It's the only way there is a solid base to a relationship that will thrive. If this is condition is not there the relationship will most likely fail or be a struggle. At best it will be mediocre. Please take the time to heal yourself. Let her worry about herself and don't worry about what she is doing anymore.

In short because you've been abandoned and you're going through the stages of it. It's early still and normal. You do need to grow and work on yourself a ton. I'm still in the process and about ready to start dating again. I'm codpendent and have an abandonment issue. Just thank her yourself for the time and let her go. Know that she was in your life for you to learn all of this. You mentioned her parents... Where are your parents?

Endy thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it.

Again, to show how crappy this relationship was and to show my issues, she never met my parents. I didn't let her meet my parents/friends because I was embarrassed by her.

My parents knew of her but I didn't tell them anything. I finally told them everything and broke down to them a few days ago.

Also, I know you're right about abandonment. It just hurts so much because she would always promise me that she'd never abandon me and always be there to help me through of all my insecurities. We fought so much and like I said some of it was because of me, but a some of it was her too because she would throw temper tantrums and have outbursts if she perceived any sense of abandonment or if she didn't get what she wanted. She was often unreasonable. But throughout all that, she would call me her baby and always want to be with me, close to me and said she wanted to make me happy and be there for me (although those word she said really didn't mean much when she was throwing her outbursts).

You'll be ok, you know deep down this isn't the right woman for anyone until she's fixed. Put it this way, if you both got back together you'de both still be broken. Nothing is going to change until you both change. What you need to do is get back on your feet, identify, and work through the issues you know you have. Then you should be able to attract someone else that loves themselves like you will. You'll get there, but you have a lot of work to do. It's not going to be easy, but if you want a healthy relationship, you need to get healthy psychologically/mentally yourself first. It's going to be normal to feel down at this point.

Try going to the gym, reading, and working on yourself. Keep yourself busy. Don't curl up in a ball right now and stay in your room.

I know what you said is true but all I can think about is getting back together and FIXING each other. I always knew about my issues and have gone through counseling for a long time to try and work through them but a lot of the issues, I just refused to do anything about it and said: "Screw it, I am who I am. I know I have these issues but I can't change!" But after this break up and re-evaluating how negative and poorly I treated her, I now know I MUST change in order to be a happy person. So because of this realization, I now just wish more than anything that we can be together and we can help each other through it all. I mean looking at it logically, it hasn't worked in the past 2 years so why should it work now, but on my part, I know I HAVE to change.

Actions always speak louder than words. Her actions were repeated over and over again. You have to say at this point enough is enough bud. It's just that simple. I know it sucks, I know its hard but you'll get through it. Just stick with NC and you'll get there.

I had a codependency issue basically because my parents never made me feel worthy enough for example. It took me a long time to examine my childhood and realize that's how I felt growing up. It took a lot of deep looking on my end. Once you realize this, like my ex was abandoned you're going to understand more of why they behave that way. You'll have sympathy, understanding, and more compassion for everyone in your life. Take a look at my book thread. All you have to do is use the search in the upper right hand corner and type endy books. Start reading and working through those books. It's going to take time and a lot of it. Spend at least an hour a day if you can in deep relection on yourself. A lot of what can help you is in all of those books. Basically 4 months ago I had similar issues to you. I'm still a work in progress, but I really need to start dating, and wait for my next serious relationship to test all my progress out.

Don't ever blame your parents. I believe we chose who our parents are to learn the lessons we need to learn in this life. They shaped us so we could deal through our issues that are present in our life. Read through that book thread and order away. Start reading, and DO the exercises in most of the books. If you understand what you are going through it's a hell of a lot easier to move on.

I know what you're going through. Be strong. I ache too but you must believe that love isn't cruel, it doesn't envy or boast..that helped me a lot. I hope it helps you a little too.

Also, I think one of the things that is really hindering my progress and healing is I know her facebook password. She told me it a few months ago but for some reason, she doesn't remember telling me. I never snooped when I was with her; if I did, then I would have known that she was talking to that guy for 2 weeks on facebook prior to the break up. I can't for the life of me understand why she doesn't know that I know her password. When I went over there at 4:00am, she asked me if I found out through facebook and I denied it. She said there's no other way I could have found out because she only told 2 or 3 other people.

Regardless, I haven't been able to stop myself from checking what's going on. I know it's wrong in every way possible. I know it's pathetic. I know I have to stop. It's like I'm a sick addict and the drugs are being waved in front of my face. I know it's bad but I can't stop the urges. Her facebook is how I found out that this guy is likely using her for sex. It just does me no good to snoop like this because it prevents me from moving on. Now my mind races with scenarios of "Is this guy using her?" "How is her "relationship" with this guy going?" "How is she feeling?" It is lose-lose for me either way because either this guy is using her for sex and she breaks down or whatever and I cling onto the hope that she'll come back (which isn't really a good thing for me), or he's not using her and they have a great relationship and I have to see all of it. I feel bad because she is very emotionally invested into this guy but all signs point to him giving her the boot or just stringing her along for sex.

Someone please tell me how I can stop.

Fess up and let her know you have her facebook password. It'll be embarrassing and she'll rightfully be mad, but she'll change the password.

Alternatively, Facebook sends users a warning when their Facebook has been logged in from a strange location. You could use a proxy and log in on it from there. It will send her a warning without her knowing it was you.

 

Alternatively, Facebook sends users a warning when their Facebook has been logged in from a strange location. You could use a proxy and log in on it from there. It will send her a warning without her knowing it was you.

I did the proxy thing by accident because I was messing around and she STILL didn't change her password. This was before I started NC. She texted me angrily asking me if I was on her facebook because she received that email and I said no but she still didn't change her password...

Looks like I'll have to somehow stop myself. I can't let her know I did I know her password because she will probably hate me forever and I don't want to break NC. I'm already 5 days strong.

Ugh, looking at her facebook is not only ethically wrong, it's killing me. A few days ago, she was talking to her friend and freaking about because she thought the guy she left me for is about to give her the boot. She described it as a feeling of "impending doom" and then sent the guy a few desperate texts saying she's anxious, feeling impending doom and freaking out etc. I thought for sure the guy was going to cut her loose but then I snooped again tonight and found out she's "dating" the guy now.

I just don't understand how someone can "really, really like" a new person and jump into the beginning of a new relationship with this person after 2 years of an intense relationship with a person they had such a deep connection to. I mean ya, our relationship especially sucked at the end and I drove her away when saying stuff like "I don't know anymore" when she asked me if I still loved her but how is it possible to develop romantic feelings for a new person so soon? What does this even say about what I had with her? I can't even imagine wanting to be with someone else anytime soon. It's just not possible for me. I can't stop thinking about her and I need to heal. How come she moved on so soon? Regardless, I really need to snooping on her facebook. I want to but it's so hard. I need to move on. I need to realize that there were a ton of things about her that I couldn't deal with. I'm not religious but I have been praying every night to no one in particular to get her/back have the strength to move on. Please, I need the strength. It hurts too much. All this just hurts too much. How could she just develop feelings so quickly and jump into bed with someone new so quickly.

Someone/something please bestow me the strength to move on and forget her. She's not coming back.

Ugh I just can't understand how she could leave me to die. Granted the circumstances are a little different because this time, I practically forced her away, but each time I tried to end it off with her, I always made sure she was ok. In April, when I thought i was breaking it off with her for the last time, she was dying and I stayed with her for 2 hours. I cried because she cried. I hurt because she hurt. Each time I tried to walk away because I knew it wouldn't work, she would text and call me frantically with so much pain and I would always give in. But when SHE finally had enough and she ended it, she left me for dead. I told her I was in bed and immobile for days. I told her I needed her. I told her I couldn't live with her out. She was ice cold. How is this possible? I just want to go back to 1.5 months ago. Please let me go back in time. If not, let me have the strength to move on.

So how do you know that the new guy is only using her and will hurt her?

To be painfully honest, I dont blame her. Maybe she wanted to start clean with someone new. a toxic relationship can be pretty exhausting both mentally and physically. She probably wanted some dignity and didnt want to keep begging you to show some affection, and/or keep begging you to stay with her.

You have got to accept it's over, and start thinking about the future, not the past. You are rehashing all of this. Look you could have easily walked away a million times. You chose not to have boundaries. You CHOSE to stay with this woman. Be grateful she ended it because it's not what you wanted anyways. Let her go and hope she gets better and finds happiness in life like you will. She's a broken person, as are you. You need to stop worrying about her, and start worrying about yourself. True you came back over and over and then she left you. But YOU let her walk in and out as she pleased. You had no boundaries, and women don't respect that. Basically you told her whatever behavior she exuded with you was ok, because you would always take her back.

You really need to start thinking about YOU and how to fix the things that caused this. Stop rehashing the past. It's the past. There's not anything you can change. It already happened. Accept it and let go. You don't want this person anyways and deep down you know that. You'll find someone much better once you learn from this experience and heal. It takes time. Be patient. What you're going through right now is completely normal.

Went through a similar situation recently, though I was the rebound. We'd always get into fights and one of us would plead with the other to come back. She was getting over her ex and me being a good guy insisted on helping. Then I grew feelings for her.

5 months of drama later, found out she lied to me and used me and ran back to him. It was extremely toxic, I'm a generally stable person but she was dragging me down with her. Have had NC with her for 10+ days now. Have had mixed feelings but I slowly feel better. It always had a chance of failing, it infuriates me though that I know she lied to me and used me.

She ran back to her pain source, I don't see it working out

In your case, she's rebounding. If it's that toxic, don't bother going back to her. It just sounds like you guys were on the path to destruction.

Pretty much the same thing I went through Mystery, Longer, and a misscarriage but same principles. I don't think she thought of me as a rebound, but I was. She broke up with him for me then went back. She dragged me down as well, but I have my own issues I realized from it. That's the important part. Her relationship was one of 3 years with a guy with 3 kids from two different women. As far as I know now they have been back together a week after I forced dumped her, which is about 4-5 months of NC.

Don't know or wonder if I will hear from her again and don't care anymore. It does suck when you do catch feelings, and love someone like this. It does show you who the person really is though. On the brightside I came out of it a better and changed man. For that I can't thank her enough.

Yeah, same thing with me. This was my first relationship, really... I learned a lot from it in the past 5 months and I'm happy to say that I'll be taking it forward. She never wanted a rebound either but that's what it came down to, I made her feel good, she started warming to me and slowly became affectionate, cue the ex coming back in and she dumped me faster then a blink of an eye. I think I was the only one to come forward from this whole thing, she regressed and ran back to him. I gave her more attention then anyone she's been with, I'm semi-curious if she'll attempt to try to get it again.

I don't really mind if she comes back, but I won't be sad if she doesn't. If she does, she needs to admit her faults like lying to me and using me... I'm not sad that it ended, but I am sad on how she ended it with lies and manipulation. She's stubborn, I don't see her apologizing... every time I called her out on lies, she called me out on things that I did wrong instead. She changed the focus a lot, very crafty of her. Truth be told though, if she did apologize and if she made efforts to regain my trust (I don't know how she'd do it) then I would consider letting her back into my life. I'm not one to hold grudges. I'm moving on anyways, there are women more deserving of my attention and time.

I don't know why I'm posting what I'm about to post. I've said the following to my friends and therapist. I've gone through it 10000x in my head and went through it all throughout the relationship. Maybe I'm posting it to help me move on. Maybe I'm posting it to make myself feel better about myself. Maybe I'm posting it because I am hoping that she needs me and will come back. Maybe I'm posting it to vilify her. Maybe I'm posting it to vilify myself.

Throughout our relationship, there were many things that I could not accept about her and the issues kept creeping up because she kept saying she'd change, but never did. I know I shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with someone if I needed her to change so much but I made a mistake. A lot of her faults brought out the worst in me which in turn brought out the worst in her. It was a vicious cycle. Here are the main issues:

Issue #1: She is about 30 lbs overweight. She was even more overweight than that when I met her. Unfortunately, she has stayed 30lbs overweight for the past 1.5 years after losing some of the the other weight that made her really overweight. Our relationship started out all wrong. I met her online and we had an instant connection. We both loved talking to each other over messenger which progressed to the phone. We developed some deep feelings before meeting. The pictures she had up on the site and the pictures she sent me were not representative of her in the sense that they were older and she was a lot less overweight in them (she was still out of shape but I could deal with it). I didn't get to meet her until a few weeks after we started talking. I was in a bind because I liked her so much but physically, she was not a match for me. I live a very active lifestyle and I'm physically very fit. She did tell me at the time that she used to be fit but became unfit due to a car accident. This was more or less a lie. She was always heavier but just got really heavy after the car accident. We fooled around a bit right after meeting but in my mind, I didn't want to have sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her. I then made a huge mistake. I told her that I didn't think we were compatible which she accepted. But because I have trouble lying and because I really did like her, I told her that the truth is, I couldn't date her because she was out of shape. This was how we started our relationship.

Over the past 2 years, she kept telling me that she wanted to lose weight and wanted me to help her. I was glad to help. It was bad though at times because I ended up being controlling. She has no discipline or motivation so she would always skip the gym for long periods of time or eat really poorly. I never said: "Hey don't eat that or else!" but I did get annoyed if she ate super poorly if she didn't work out. I told her that it's all about balance and as long as she works out, she can enjoy treats moderately. But many times, she would skip the gym for weeks at a time and then eat really poorly and I would get annoyed. I never yelled or anything like that but I was annoyed and she could tell. We had many boiling points over that if a cycle like that continued. She would tell me to get off her back and she will do it for herself and I would not mention for weeks or a month. But then a month or so later, I would ask her how the gym has been going and she would tell me that she hasn't been going for a while. This cycle occurred over and over again throughout our relationship. She would sit around and do nothing and then complain about her weight or whatever.

This issue affected everything. I wasn't attracted to her body which she could tell when she was naked around me by the way I looked. This hurt her self-esteem and it was not good for me because I would always kind of squirm because of her body. When I tried to end it for the last time in April, she promised me she would take care of her body and start losing weight (actually, she promised me that all the other 500x I tried to end it). I left the issue alone for 1 month after we got together. I then asked her if she has been working out and she said she hasn't been for 1.5 months. This lead to me criticizing her motivation and the fact that she made another promise that she didn't keep. I flat out said to her "I am not physically attracted to you anymore" I think 1 week before she ended it. I just got so frustrated because she kept promising me that she'd do it and she eventually told me to back off and she'll do it herself, but when if I let the issue go, she would go back to her old ways. I tried to do active things with her but when I tried to show her how to properly do stuff in the gym (I was very patient), she would have an attitude problem and roll her eyes. I tried to do other workout type stuff with her but she would always complain about being tired and would quit during the workouts.

Issue #2: She has been out of high-school for 3 years and has kept promising me that she would go back to school but throughout the 2 years, it never happened. Before we met, she gave me the impression that she was a smart girl but it turns out she was a C student in highschool. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because she told me she is smart, but is just didn't try. Throughout the 2 years, I started to realize that she isn't that bright. She kept promising me that she would go back to school again and again. I would try motivating her and give her guidance by telling her she can just start out slowly by just taking 1 course to get her feet wet again while she's working. She kept promising me that she would do it. 2 years later? It never happened. She also told me that she would start reading more to educate herself while she isn't at school but it never happened. She started for a week but then stopped. This would make me so un-attracted to her because she was so lazy in all aspects of her life.

Issue #3: She has a large problem with angry outbursts, emotional control, problems with depression and is very clingy and needy. She would lash out if I wasn't affectionate. I know I was a bad boyfriend in terms of affection. It was always on my terms. When I felt needy, I would want affection but I wouldn't give it to her when she needed it. That said, her outbursts were often very intense. Even her parents said she needs to get help for that. She promised me again and again that she would get counseling for her issues of course, she never did. I would ask her again and and again to do it but she kept putting it off. When she begged for me back each time I tried to end it, she would promise me that she would get counseling for her issues. Much like her fitness and education promises, they were never fulfilled.

Issue #4: I often felt like I was her life-coach or parent. She would look to me for EVERYTHING. She looked to me for guidance on everything. What made this worse is I mentioned earlier that people don't respect her. She has always been left out, new people at work don't listen to her and give her attitude and one of her managers would pick on her. She couldn't stand up for herself and asked me how to deal with every situation. I had to tell her that I want to help her, but she has to be able to live her own life because I can't be her life-coach/parent if I'm her bf. Also, I was pretty much her only source of motivation. If I didn't push her, she would do nothing. It was so frustrating for me.

There were a bunch of other issues but these things just made the relationship extremely toxic. Not only did I find her physically unattractive because of her body, I did not respect her intellectually or emotionally. She would ask me if I respected her and I would always tell her yes but in my mind, it was a no. It became such a vicious cycle because she would do something that made me un-attracted to her, then I would withdraw emotionally and physically, and then she would be super hurt because of my withdrawal. She has worked at the same place for 2 years (service industry) and has wanted to be a shift-supervisor for the longest time but kept getting passed up until it came to a boiling point when her manager flat out told her: "You're not strong enough (as a worker), you can't multi-task, and you're lazy." When she told me that a month or so ago, I felt so un-attracted to her. What kills me is I know I have my own self-esteem issues and I don't know how much of it was me not being able to accept people and to pick out every little flaw, and how much of it was actually on her. During my grieving, I have been bargaining and have said "If i was just more tolerant, everything would workout and I would still be with her." Everyone has told me that this simply isn't true and I would have never been happy. I always had one foot out the door and when she kept falling back to her old ways, I would try to break it off. This was so unhealthy.

So why is it that I miss her so much and would do anything to get her back? I just wish everything could go back to the way it was before