My boyfriend choked me until i couldnt breathe and says i deserved it

Hi everyone,Im using a friends old account to post this as im unable to make my own account right now..

My boyfriend choked me until i couldnt breathe several times last night. He also punched the top of my head a few times. He has pushed me,slapped me and choked me before a few times but no where near as bad as this time. He only seems to do it when he is drunk. He put his ex girlfriend in hospital, broke a bone in her face, pushed her through a wall etc and had charges laid against him. He did it to her because she was always drunk and hitting him and going crazy and sleeping with his friends all the time..etc..I have never done any of this to him. He seems to be psychologically traumatised and obsessed with everything he went through with his old girlfriend and now he is passing it onto me. Like he is reliving his past with her, with me. He has told me he thinks she deserved it to. All we did is have an argument. I wasnt yelling and never touched him. He said i was an evil b****, who is tearing out his sole (all over an argument about his EX). He said he hates females who try to pick fights when drunk. And thats why i deserved it because i wouldnt listen to him. He just seemed so traumatised by what he went through with his ex, that he went psychotic and really dramatic, then choked me, like he did her.

I dont know what i should do, because besides this, he is really kind, generous, loving. He always tells me how amazing and beautiful and wonderful i am. He is very sweet. I know most people wouldnt like me and put up with me like he does. I really dont know what to do.

Does it get worse? Does this guy sound familiar to anyone here? Please help me, i dont know what to do. Please share ur advice and experience! I cant tell my family because my dad would murder him, literally.

ps-my dad used to do the exact same thing to my mum all the time when i was a little girl. exactly the same.

Yes, of course it will get worse.

What if the next time he chokes you, he doesn't stop?

The answer should be clear, and you already know it in your heart. Leave now, while you still can. There's little point in anyone here sharing their experiences. The only advice you need is to get away before he kills you.

You need to first get as far away from him as you can before you get killed. No one deserves this no matter what they do or don't do. If you don't live with him, stop answering your phone and stay with a friend for a few days especially one who didn't condone your mother's abuse. Also, I would talk to someone at a women's shelter who has resources for counseling. I received free counseling as an abuse survivor, even though I wasn't in the shelter. If you live with him, get copies of your social security card, bank statement, and pack your important photos of grandparents, etc, and leave. If you cannot leave tomorrow, practice. Let the neighbors see you leave at a set time every day and come back so it won't seem weird that you are going somewhere. Maybe because you grew up with violence you thought the behavior is okay. It doesn't matter what he is like when he is not drunk. He will eventually kill you when drunk. The exgirlfriend got out thank God. Now its your turn because he does something else. Also, please see a doctor. He could have damaged your windpipe, gave you a concussion, etc, and you need to report this.

You know what to do sweetheart....get out! Your dad did it, so now you think he can do it too? It will get worse. Why wait until you're in the hospital. Please leave while you can still walk...

by the way, abusers go through a mean and sweet cycle. They will do something horrible and then they will flip and talk sweet to you, buy you flowers and presents. They will shower you with attention and really overdo it. Until the next time they hit you or belittle you.

by the way, abusers go through a mean and sweet cycle. They will do something horrible and then they will flip and talk sweet to you, buy you flowers and presents. They will shower you with attention and really overdo it. Until the next time they hit you or belittle you.

Yep. The "sweet" phase is nothing more than emotional manipulation.

Ask yourself this: If you really love and care about someone, do you choke them, slap them, punch them in the head, and push them around?

No, you don't...and that's how you know he doesn't really care about you.

Get away, and never look back, or you risk becoming a domestic violence statistic. Think of what that would do to your parents...

I dont know what i should do, because besides this, he is really kind, generous, loving. He always tells me how amazing and beautiful and wonderful i am. He is very sweet. I know most people wouldnt like me and put up with me like he does. I really dont know what to do.

He could be the nicest, sweetest, most generous person on the planet- there is no excuse for his behavior, absolutely none. If there is one thing a guy does to you that should get him dumped automatically, no questions asked- it's hit you. The only times when this is ever acceptable is when it's an accident (the fact that he hit you multiple times rules this one out), or when it's in self-defense (the fact that you didn't touch him also rules this one out). Do yourself a favor and find somebody else. I've dated some real assholes, but never, ever has a guy hit me. It's just not normal.

Does it get worse?

9 times out of 10 it does.

ps-my dad used to do the exact same thing to my mum all the time when i was a little girl. exactly the same.

This is a pretty important piece of information because this kind of thing gets passed on from generation to generation. Boys that grow up in a family with an abusive dad are almost always abusers themselves when they grow up. Girls that grow up in the same situation are almost always abused themselves. This kind of thing tampers with your psyche. If you consistently find yourself in abusive relationships, you should really see a professional, because this means that something about your personality is attracting and allowing this kind of behavior into your life.

Thankyou everyone for your responses..I feel so naive and like a child. I have issues with confidence and self-esteem, and i just dont have the knowledge or skills to understand this situation. I dont know if i am wrong or right. I just dont know what to think. It would be unfair if i left him because if i did the same thing to him, he wouldnt leave me. But just because i am a female, am i expected to never speak to him again over this? I really am so confused. He makes it seem ok the things he does. When he says he is right and i am wrong, i believe him because i have more trust in his intelligence than mine. If i stick up for myself, i could be wrong and therefore treat him unfairly. So i dont know if i am wrong or right. I end up feeling so guilty as he blames me for alot of things. He says i am the psychopath when i try to stick up for myself. He says i am wrong for treating him that way and he always just seems he is right and i mustnt be smart enough to see that. Its embarrassing for me.

I find it really hard to believe that he would intentionally manipulate me, or lie to me or keep things from me. The way he speaks is just so honest and true. Like i dont even really know him? He speaks with so much passion and honesty, how could he be lying? what does he think of me? Am i just paranoid? Is he really lying to me? I dont know if any of this is normal or acceptable..I havent really seen how relationships are meant to be.

I feel guilty because he seems so sad and upset he did this. I dont want to make him feel worse by ignoring his calls. Thank god i dont live with him.

Please, please, please. PLEASE. Do all that you can to remove yourself from this situation now, and do NOT delay getting out. I've never been in an abusive relationship, but as everyone has already told you--and I'm sure anyone who replies after this will say the same--it's clear that it's not necessary to have been in a situation similar to yours to be able to offer advice. That said, I can't imagine the hold he may have on you. But it does NOT matter if this is the first time he has caused you any real harm or if he's always seemed loving before and still appears loving after doing this. This is the scariest kind of relationship to be in, and I really hope you can find it in yourself to realize this as soon as possible, if not this very moment.

So i dont know if i am wrong or right. I end up feeling so guilty as he blames me for alot of things. He says i am the psychopath when i try to stick up for myself. He says i am wrong for treating him that way and he always just seems he is right and i mustnt be smart enough to see that. Its embarrassing for me.

Please read this:

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If you can get to the bottom of that page and think, "Nope, that's not us", then I stand corrected, and apologize for wasting your time.

So you are willing to put up with almost being left for dead just because you don't think he would do it to you if you choked him?? By the way, you don't have to stick up for yourself as far as physically fight back. What you need to do is to remove yourself from the situation. It does not involve confronting him. By the way, its called "crazymaking" when someone tries to convince you that you are nuts. An abuser is going to try to tell you that you are in the wrong, and treat you as if your opinions don't matter.

My ex used to speak very openly about himself and even cry about things in front of me, but it was all manipulation. If he appears like a poor helpless soul I would stay because I felt I was helping him. And that's what he wanted. He would also feel bad about doing what he did to me, but he didn't really feel bad in the end, he felt I deserved it and only felt bad because he got in trouble.

I would read up on codependency. Codependents often feel responsible for another's feelings and you are doing just that. You don't want to do what you need to do to save your own life because it would make someone else feel bad? Do you honestly feel that makes any sense. But i was there. I was the wife of an abusive man and I kept trying to make my marriage work or to change myself and make it work. It would work for a short time, and then the abuse would get worse, to the point that his family started being physically abusive towards me also.

If you stay with this guy now, chances are that one day you will become his wife. Then you will get pregnant and have a baby who will have to witness the same abuse as you when you were a little girl and your father was abusing your mum. How did it make you feel? Is this what you want?

It would be unfair if i left him because if i did the same thing to him, he wouldnt leave me. But just because i am a female, am i expected to never speak to him again over this? I really am so confused.

Actually, I'd give the exact same advice if it were a guy getting abused in the situation, and I'm sure many here would also. You don't hit people. Doesn't matter who you are. You just don't do it. And if someone loves and respects you they wouldn't hit you.

He makes it seem ok the things he does. When he says he is right and i am wrong, i believe him because i have more trust in his intelligence than mine. If i stick up for myself, i could be wrong and therefore treat him unfairly. So i dont know if i am wrong or right. I end up feeling so guilty as he blames me for alot of things. He says i am the psychopath when i try to stick up for myself. He says i am wrong for treating him that way and he always just seems he is right and i mustnt be smart enough to see that. Its embarrassing for me.

I find it really hard to believe that he would intentionally manipulate me, or lie to me or keep things from me. The way he speaks is just so honest and true. Like i dont even really know him? He speaks with so much passion and honesty, how could he be lying? what does he think of me? Am i just paranoid? Is he really lying to me? I dont know if any of this is normal or acceptable..I havent really seen how relationships are meant to be.

People who manipulate do so subtly. That's why it's manipulation, because if it didn't work, then you couldn't call it manipulation anymore. He's using his intelligence to control you and convince you of things that aren't true. He is lying. You need to get away and stop letting him.

I feel guilty because he seems so sad and upset he did this. I dont want to make him feel worse by ignoring his calls. Thank god i dont live with him.

It's just a ploy to get you to stay with him. If he cared about you he wouldn't of hit you in the first place.

Hello, I am so sorry about your situation. Some thoughts:

1. You only have his side of the story regarding his ex-girlfriend. I bet she didn't "deserve" his violence any more than you do (not that anyone deserves violence). I bet he is lying to you to justify his bad treatment of her. Just as he is lying to you to justify his bad treatment of you - NOBODY makes someone hit them, NOBODY deserves to be hit. Could you ever be violent towards another person and then tell them they deserve it and "forced" you to do it?

2. EVERY abusive man has his good points, otherwise how would he attract women in the first place? No-one is 100% evil. Someone doesn't have to be 100% evil for you to leave them. He is showing lots of traits that you know are unacceptable - the violence, the refusal to accept responsibility for his actions, refusing to communicate in a mature way, calling you names, trying to make you doubt your judgement. These are all reasons to leave him!

3. You are not going to resolve your issues with self-confidence and self-esteem while with him - he seems intent on "grinding you down" and keeping you under his control. If you make any progress/ grow more confident he will try to sabotage it as he'll feel insecure.

4. You are very lucky that you are young (presumably) and do not live with him and do not have children with him (presumably). It is so important for you to leave him now while you are not tied to him, rather than down the track when you are much more trapped. If he is behaving this way now, how much worse do you think he'd behave if he is even more confident that you won't leave? Ignore his phone calls! Don't let him reel you back in! Teach him that his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

5. Wouldn't a liar be more convincing if they spoke with passion and honesty? Wouldn't that be a basic tactic for a liar to use if they wanted to increase their hold over others? Would a good liar speak hesitantly/ sound like they are lying... or would they try to come accross as being 100% honest and trustworthy? Do you think there are bad people in this world, people who deceive others and are good at manipulating people? If so, you can't rule out the possibility that your boyfriend is one of them (and I think he is). I think your emotions are clouding your judgement here... PLEASE get rid of this guy and dodge this bullet/ life sentence of a relationship. And get some help so that you don't fall into a dysfunctional relationship again.

Do you recognise your boyfriend in this link?

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I often see so many women in abusive, dangerous relationships such as yours who don't leave but instead stay with the guy. And it gets worse as time goes on. Leaving will be hard but you need to get as far away from his as possible. You are in a life-threatening situation. Yes, he may be upset that he did this to you, but what if one time he goes too far and hurts you irreversibly or kills you? Yeah, he might be upset about his actions, but you'll be dead or your life ruined.

My question is, why are you still calling him your boyfriend?

You'll leave him eventually. It may be now, it may be next year, it may be 10 years down the line, but you'll eventually realise (a) you can't save him, (b) he won't change, and © you deserve the basic human right of going about your day to day life without getting battered out of nowhere.

My advice would be life is short, time is precious, and you shouldn't waste it merely muddling through in an unhappy existence when you should be out there really living and having fun. This will get worse, not better - trust me.

Your post makes me very worried and upset for you to be in this situation but you must believe that his pain is not yours to own, and you need to keep yourself safe.

You should also speak to someone who has more understanding about this type of thing. I'm sure there are helplines, organisations and/agencies you can call or go to, to get assistance with this.

Abuse is cyclic in nature. Each time he abuses you, is it worse than the last? And the "making up" part more intense? Please take yourself away from this person as he will not get better without help and he has to recognise he needs the help. You will suffer from low self esteem, lack of confidence and forgive me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you are already losing belief in yourself as a "whole" person. I am glad you don't live with this person also.

I am very glad that you do not live with this person.

Honey, please google 'cycle of abuse' and read up on what is going on with him. He is a classic abuser, and will blame you and others for his behavior and never take responsibility for it.

He will alternate romantic honeymoon periods with you with episodes of abuse, but the bottom line is it always cycles around again and he will abuse you again, and may in the end injure you severely or permanently or even kill you. You just can't ignore that those horrible parts of him that blame you and abuse you are just as real as the parts where he brings you flowers. He is both people, and sadly you can't separate the two and keep the 'nice' him while leaving the 'monster' him behind. What he does to you is totally inexcusable and a crime, and there is no explanation or excuse good enough to justify it. He just is brainwashing you trying to get you to accept that it is OK for him to terrorize and beat you.

You need to get out NOW if he is choking you into unconsciousness, because the next episode could lead to permanent brain damage or death. Please call a domestic abuse hotline 1-800-799-SAFE if you are in the U.S., or visit this website to get help:

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If you are not in the U.S., start googling domestic abuse hotline or domestic abuse help and find something in your area.

Please be aware that men who do this kind of serious physical abuse are very screwed up people who are capable of lies, manipulation, and murder. What you intepret as sincerity from him is most likely self pity and/or warped thinking and manipulation. You cannot fix this man, and sadly, men who are this twisted have a very low success rate in changing behavior, and only then with extensive therapy.

It is not your job to sacrifiice your life and health and sanity to let a very sick and twisted man pound on you and abuse you and blame you for his own problems and issues. What is happening between you is nothing to do with love at all, just him acting out his own issues and you're just his foil to do so. He did it with his last GF, he's doing it with you, and he'll do it with his next one. Please don't make the mistake of thinking you can fix this or that his ex or you caused this behavior. He is blaming her in the same way he blames you, and really the only person responsible for his behavior is himself, and he can't/won't fix that because he refuses to see what a monster he has become.

Please make that phone call and save your life, because make no mistake, prison is full of men who can and do kill their wives and GFs. He is well on his way there with you now if he is choking you to unconsciousness. Don't let your naivete and innocence on the subject of how dangerous men like this can be make you to be his victim and first murder. Even if he doesn't mean to kill you, if he is choking you to unconsciousness and beating you on your head, you have a very high chance of dying and becoming his first murder victim. Domestic abuse always escalates, and next time he might have a knife instead of fists, or snap your neck or cause permanent brain damage or death via blows to the head.

You can't fix him, and you can't have a safe relationship with a man who is this violent, so your only recourse is to get away from him. Call a domestic violence hotline to have them help you with a plan to get away from him safely since abusers can be especially violent when you leave them. Your first priority needs to be ensuring your safety, since he obviously is very violent and couldn't care less about that, since his first priority is acting out his rage and hatred of women (and he DOES hate women if he blames them and acts like this).

Remember, someone who genuinely loves you wants to keep you safe and happy and healthy, and he certainly isn't doing that since he is the one who is abusing you. This is not about love at all, and not how love should be, so you need to recognize that and get help for yourself to get safely away from him.

If it were me, I would go to the police immediately. There is no excuse for that. Ever. It will get worse. It is not okay. It is never okay. I'm sorry that happened to you, but go to the police NOW. And find somebody to to talk to and lean on, you'll need it. Best of luck to you.

I dont know if any of this is normal or acceptable..I havent really seen how relationships are meant to be.

While you might want to believe that, I think you do know on some level that this isn't normal. Denial is an extremely powerful thing. Please do yourself a favour and listen to the other posts on this thread and get out ASAP. With some distance you'll begin to see things more clearly. In the future, when you're with someone who isn't like this, you'll wonder how you even doubted yourself even for a second.

OP, if you're still here somewhere and haven't just decided to try to brush this under the carpet, please take a look at this thread:

Your guy isn't different. It isn't just a phase and he won't grow out of it. I had 9 years of this BS myself and I can promise you, there's only one direction this relationship will go in and that's freefall til it crashes and burns. And as you can see, that can take a long time not to mention drag you down to the depths of hell. You obviously still love him (unless you're confusing that for pity). By the end, all that love will disappear and not even the pity (coz hey, it's never their fault - it's your fault, his ex girlfriend's, just as it was mine, his parents, his circumstances, yadda yadda) will be enough to keep you there. You need to leave. Now. Not tomorrow, not after his birthday, not after Christmas. Right now. Go out and get yourself the life you deserve rather than just enduring this crappy existence.

There's a better life out there just waiting for you, I promise.

Abuse is never okay. Hitting someone is never okay. There are no circumstances under which what he's doing are alright. Please, please, please find help.

Thankyou all. I have only just logged back into this account of my friend as i dont have my own. I am reading through all your posts and will get back to you all. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me. You guys have given me perspective and many things i would be blind to on my own. I also have major depressive disorder so its hard for me to do just about anything. Ill post something here asking for help, then never follow it through. Thanks again.

As I read this it brings back the flashbacks and memories of what I went through 6 months ago. You need to get out and get out now!!!!. A guy like this doesnt stop hes already told you he did it to his ex. I nearly lost my life at the hands of a man earlier this year in a similar situation. I know how hard it is to try and leave and how dangerous it can be. Regardless of if you have depression your life is worth more than that. Its hard especially if you love someone, but when does the day come when he completely snaps and takes your life?!.

OMG!!! Leave now!!! No looking back.. I did not even read your entire post, just the topic and I know you need to leave... His next step will be to kill YOU!!!