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Thread: Dealing with girlfriends "guy friend" and what is unacceptable

  1. #1

    Dealing with girlfriends "guy friend" and what is unacceptable

    Ok so I am looking for advice on the situation i'm going through with my girlfriend and need to know if i'm out of line.

    My girlfriend and I have been together a year. We rent an apartment together and things are starting to get ugly. She met some guys through one of her girlfriends and i'm having some heartache over whats been going on. I try to be accepting and trust her but I believe she is getting out of line.

    4 days ago she is out with her girlfriend and they decide to go to her friends apartment who happen to be guys they went to high school with. I didnt like the idea of two girls hanging out with two guys in an apartment but I did not say much as I don't want to be a controlling jealous person and would like to trust her. Long story short I finally get off work like 7 hours later and ask her what she was doing. She was still at there house and they had some people over that she didnt know and they were just hanging out and she rented some movies. I kept my mouth shut and went on about my day. It began to get late and I asked her if I was going to see her that day. She said she wasn't sure because she wasn't going to ditch her girl friend. I was upset but it was whatever. I went home and went to bed. I wake up for some reason at 4 am and see that she texted me her friend ditched her for some guy and she doesn't have a ride home. I call her phone and she doesn't answer. I begin to panik and she finally calls back saying she fell asleep. Whatever I came and got her and basically went to work tired that day. We argued and i told her that it was unacceptable that she stayed over at a guys place and she should have walked home or not get herself in that situation. The next day I'm still mad about all of this and decide i'm going to find something else to do than wait around to see her. I go and play cards in the town over and she texts me when she gets off of work saying that her and one of the guys she is now friends with that she met are going to go to one of her girlfriends and watch a movie and hang out. I try to be cool about it and say ok. I left the card club and got home at 3 am and asked if she wanted a ride home since her car is broke down. She said she wasnt for bed yet and she didnt want to leave so I told her I may not be up later and she didn't seem to car about a ride. I was worried and asked her later if i could come over. It took awhile for her to text back but she said yeah but I felt like she didn't want me there. I went over there and observed this guy. At first I felt no threat cause to be honest I'm better looking than he is but I began to notice that she laughs at everything he does (the guys attention starved and does stupid * * * * to make people laugh). I realize that I do not fit in with her friends cause im more layed back and reserved then they are (I call it mature). She is 19 and i am 23. Anyway i observed them and things were making me upset. They seem to enjoy each others company and what not and i'm like whatever ok so he is funny and interesting to some people. I wanted to leave around 5am and she didnt seem ready but agreed to leave. This is when I first told her that I did not like there relationship and that things were bugging me. She blew me off and told me she was tired and blah blah. We went to bed and I tried to forget about it. While she was sleeping I woke up and decided to look at her phone. I did not see many texts from him although she could have always deleted them. She catches me in the act and gets mad over it telling me im controlling and shouldnt be doing that. I agree but i couldnt help myself. She does it to me every once in awhile but not very often. I do not talk to alot of people so there is not much for her to worry about. I tend to invade her privacy more than she does. I know its not right but when she is constantly texting people even when we are spending time together it makes me mad and curious. So i get up and get in the shower and when i get out she is texting people. I ask who and she names two of her girlfriends and this guy. This pissed me off and my attitude changed. When she noticed why she got defensive and said that he is harmless and just a friend. I stress to her I dont like all of this time she is spending with this guy and texting him all the time and she said we need space and that she texts all her friends like that which is probably true. I got onto her why she doesnt invite me over when im bored to hang out with them and she said its because she knows i dont like her friends which is true. We get into a huge fight that we sort of half ass make up b4 she goes to work. She works 3rd this day and I worked 1st in the morning. I was already worried about he not coming home after work. I went to bed arguing with her via text and told her if she wants this relationship to work she is going to have to work with me. Anyway I wake up at 7 with a text message saying she is at her g/f's house and she is too tired to walk home. I am PISSED. I go over there and see the dudes bike there. I text her something cocky like at least your b/f is there to stay with you. She texted me earlier when she woke up i guess and said that she doesnt know what to do about us. I told her that I do not neither but this is not working and she is not respecting me and my feelings and that this is not going to work. SHe texted back saying she wants to be with me and thats it.

    Am I getting out of line for being upset here? I can understand her wanting to hang out with friends and even at odd hours but it is now taking time away "our time" and she just doesnt seem interested in hanging out with me. I will say that we see each other alot and it does get boring at times and her friends are more talky talky laughy laughy but enough is enough. I tried to let her have her guy friend but now she is disrespecting my worries and its going to break our relationship. I feel like I should dump her b/c she stayed over at her friends while he was there. I dont believe she cheated on me and I can see them only being friends but the heart ache is killing me. I know she wouldnt pick this guy over me but she is very stern when she wants to have her way and she is basically calling me controlling.

    Thoughts? Suggestion? Im going crazy!


    I told her maybe she is not ready for a relationship and that maybe we are not made for each other since she is showing less interest in me lately.

  2. #2
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    Get rid of her...immediately...

    She doesn't care about you and seeing her so willingly hang out with her girlfriends and these guys over you and for her not seemingly want you there is enough.

    You want something she clearly doesn't out of the relationship...so just let her go, let it go, and move on.

    Go NC, trust me man, trust me.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    I'm really sorry to hear this LoveIs*....I would hate to speculate on the chance that it may all truly be honest but it is scarily close to what I went through....and my ex is still with the guy she left me for...

    I will say this though: People who are carrying on affairs are very sneaky about it and you do have the right to do a little bit of 'investigating' to get the truth.
    Had I of not done a little snooping, who knows how long I would have been strung along for!

    I do hope this is not what it looks like because it's one of the most painful things to go through and I hope you can work your way through it*

    Sending you strength
    Carus* 8-)

  4. #4
    I honestly cannot imagine her being with him. The guy is one of those emo guys (which she does like) and im what she calls a pretty boy. He has long hair and paints his nails and where those silly pants with chains and is just not attractive IMO. Although he is not ugly neither. She is into that screamo rock music and I am too but I dont dress or act like the artists do. This guy has no car, no job, no home...he is basically worthless besides being fun to be around. So it may be harmless but the fact she is not interested seeing me much anymore is throwing red flags. Granted we see each other a lot before but still how much time do you need with friends. I will not accept her not coming home at night and she agreed that it wasn't right but she didnt want to walk home. I know that stressing everything to her will only cause us to be farther apart and she will feel the need to complain about my insecurity with it and ultimately drive them closer together. I probably should of gave it a little more time but I cant keep quiet much longer. We are in a serious fight over this and I think she is realizing i may leave her and is somewhat panicking over it but not saying much. I hate that I have to go to bed early tonight and she gets off at midnight. So that leaves her bored and available to see her friends again. Im losing sleep over this and cannot focus at work. UGH.

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  6. #5
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    Both of the previous posters are spot on.

    This is very similar to what happened to me and my ex eventually left me for the guy. She is holding onto you while testing the waters with this new guy. She is being completely disrespectful regarding your feelings, your wishes, and the relationship you have together. And yes, she is being sneaky. The only way I found out about the other guy was because a good friend of mine found out and told me.

    Cut her off at the pass and end it. NC immediately. You will be glad you did.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Deciduous's Avatar
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    Hi LoveIsEvol,

    What now?

    Put it these way, if you were hanging around at a chicks house and rolling on at three in the morning
    would she okay with that. If every time she tracked you down, there you were laughing and giggling with the girl down the road would that be cool.

    I'm not saying she's cheating but there is definitely a lack of respect here. She crossing boundaries all over the place.

    I tried to let her have her guy friend but now she is disrespecting my worries
    You said it!

    SHe texted back saying she wants to be with me and thats it.
    Really? Thats it? No discussion about your unhappiness?

    and she is basically calling me controlling.
    Well some-one's controlling some-one here. Wouldn't have pegged it to be you. When you adopt the attitude of I couldn't give a fig about your feelings,
    LIKE IT or LUMP, you are controlling the situation.

    She's stated her position. She intends to carry on. What is your position now?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member testcase's Avatar
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    Look man setting your boundaries and sticking to them isn't being controlling. If it is... f it... be controlling. I wouldn't like my girl hanging out with this new guy either, at his place watching movies? * * * is that? Look having guy friends is one thing. Going out with girl and guy friends?? That's fine. Hanging out with one dude constantly while having a BF is disrespectful, imo. You told her how you feel, you say you're ready to leave her over this. Lay it down, tell her you think she's being disrespectful... and if she doesn't stop leave her. You're not being disrespectful to her.

    So yea man just set up your boundaries, let her know spending as much time with this guy is over them for you. Then you let her choose what she want's to do. If she keeps crossing your boundaries let her go. You don't need that stress. But I wouldn't not set up boundaries cause you think you're being controlling. Everyone has their boundaries.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member veneratio's Avatar
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    Pretty similar to what happened to me as well. My ex swore up and down I had nothing to worry about. 2 days after she broke up with me she started dating the "friend" she just liked hanging out with.

    I know it's a lot easier said than done, but walk away from this. If she refuses to respect your wishes, your relationship, your feelings and you as a person, it's time to walk.

    And it doesn't matter what you think of the guy. I thought the same of the guy my ex is with now. Yeah, they both share a passion for their career paths, but other than that..from the little I know about him..he doesn't appear to be any better off than I am...in any area, but that doesn't matter. She sees something there..and that's all that counts, right?

    Key word that you said is fun. Girls tend to respond more to how a guy makes them feel. If a guy is fun he produces positive and good emotions/feelings inside of them and they react to that, regardless of the guy's current situation. Not trying to be negative or make you paranoid, just pointing that out.

  10. #9
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    I wouldn't put up with it.

    She's crossing the line and she's pushing it as far as it can go.

    She has stated that she wants you. So now she has to prove it.

    I would give her an ultimatum. (only if you want to stay with her)

    "It's me or him". And then she would have to choose.

    But at the end of the day, if it really was you - then she wouldn't be hanging out with the other guy now would she.

  11. #10
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    Well - I think you are both being unreasonable to a degree.

    - You want her to walk home alone at 4am?? Really?? And you think this is safer than snoozing in the living room of a friend that everyone knows?? I mean... she called you to pick her up. You just weren't awake.
    - If you aren't willing to hang out with her and her friends... aren't you basically asking her to choose between her friends and you? I understand why she would feel uncomfortable/would not invite you around if you are always grumpy and want to leave.

    On the other hand... the amount of time she is spending with this guy and her complete disregard for your feelings and boundaries is WAAAAY off here.

    I think your problem is bigger than this guy. You are no longer really a couple. Sure - she should be able to have girl time anyways from time to time... but you also need to find a way to suck it up and be there. Or date a girl who has friends you actually like. (You don't have to like ALL of them - but at least SOME of them...).

    Cheating or not, I think the relationship is pooched, to be honest.

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