Dealing with girlfriends "guy friend" and what is unacceptable

Ok so I am looking for advice on the situation i'm going through with my girlfriend and need to know if i'm out of line.

My girlfriend and I have been together a year. We rent an apartment together and things are starting to get ugly. She met some guys through one of her girlfriends and i'm having some heartache over whats been going on. I try to be accepting and trust her but I believe she is getting out of line.

4 days ago she is out with her girlfriend and they decide to go to her friends apartment who happen to be guys they went to high school with. I didnt like the idea of two girls hanging out with two guys in an apartment but I did not say much as I don't want to be a controlling jealous person and would like to trust her. Long story short I finally get off work like 7 hours later and ask her what she was doing. She was still at there house and they had some people over that she didnt know and they were just hanging out and she rented some movies. I kept my mouth shut and went on about my day. It began to get late and I asked her if I was going to see her that day. She said she wasn't sure because she wasn't going to ditch her girl friend. I was upset but it was whatever. I went home and went to bed. I wake up for some reason at 4 am and see that she texted me her friend ditched her for some guy and she doesn't have a ride home. I call her phone and she doesn't answer. I begin to panik and she finally calls back saying she fell asleep. Whatever I came and got her and basically went to work tired that day. We argued and i told her that it was unacceptable that she stayed over at a guys place and she should have walked home or not get herself in that situation. The next day I'm still mad about all of this and decide i'm going to find something else to do than wait around to see her. I go and play cards in the town over and she texts me when she gets off of work saying that her and one of the guys she is now friends with that she met are going to go to one of her girlfriends and watch a movie and hang out. I try to be cool about it and say ok. I left the card club and got home at 3 am and asked if she wanted a ride home since her car is broke down. She said she wasnt for bed yet and she didnt want to leave so I told her I may not be up later and she didn't seem to car about a ride. I was worried and asked her later if i could come over. It took awhile for her to text back but she said yeah but I felt like she didn't want me there. I went over there and observed this guy. At first I felt no threat cause to be honest I'm better looking than he is but I began to notice that she laughs at everything he does (the guys attention starved and does stupid * * * * to make people laugh). I realize that I do not fit in with her friends cause im more layed back and reserved then they are (I call it mature). She is 19 and i am 23. Anyway i observed them and things were making me upset. They seem to enjoy each others company and what not and i'm like whatever ok so he is funny and interesting to some people. I wanted to leave around 5am and she didnt seem ready but agreed to leave. This is when I first told her that I did not like there relationship and that things were bugging me. She blew me off and told me she was tired and blah blah. We went to bed and I tried to forget about it. While she was sleeping I woke up and decided to look at her phone. I did not see many texts from him although she could have always deleted them. She catches me in the act and gets mad over it telling me im controlling and shouldnt be doing that. I agree but i couldnt help myself. She does it to me every once in awhile but not very often. I do not talk to alot of people so there is not much for her to worry about. I tend to invade her privacy more than she does. I know its not right but when she is constantly texting people even when we are spending time together it makes me mad and curious. So i get up and get in the shower and when i get out she is texting people. I ask who and she names two of her girlfriends and this guy. This pissed me off and my attitude changed. When she noticed why she got defensive and said that he is harmless and just a friend. I stress to her I dont like all of this time she is spending with this guy and texting him all the time and she said we need space and that she texts all her friends like that which is probably true. I got onto her why she doesnt invite me over when im bored to hang out with them and she said its because she knows i dont like her friends which is true. We get into a huge fight that we sort of half ass make up b4 she goes to work. She works 3rd this day and I worked 1st in the morning. I was already worried about he not coming home after work. I went to bed arguing with her via text and told her if she wants this relationship to work she is going to have to work with me. Anyway I wake up at 7 with a text message saying she is at her g/f's house and she is too tired to walk home. I am PISSED. I go over there and see the dudes bike there. I text her something cocky like at least your b/f is there to stay with you. She texted me earlier when she woke up i guess and said that she doesnt know what to do about us. I told her that I do not neither but this is not working and she is not respecting me and my feelings and that this is not going to work. SHe texted back saying she wants to be with me and thats it.

Am I getting out of line for being upset here? I can understand her wanting to hang out with friends and even at odd hours but it is now taking time away "our time" and she just doesnt seem interested in hanging out with me. I will say that we see each other alot and it does get boring at times and her friends are more talky talky laughy laughy but enough is enough. I tried to let her have her guy friend but now she is disrespecting my worries and its going to break our relationship. I feel like I should dump her b/c she stayed over at her friends while he was there. I dont believe she cheated on me and I can see them only being friends but the heart ache is killing me. I know she wouldnt pick this guy over me but she is very stern when she wants to have her way and she is basically calling me controlling.

Thoughts? Suggestion? Im going crazy!

I told her maybe she is not ready for a relationship and that maybe we are not made for each other since she is showing less interest in me lately.

Get rid of her...immediately...

She doesn't care about you and seeing her so willingly hang out with her girlfriends and these guys over you and for her not seemingly want you there is enough.

You want something she clearly doesn't out of the relationship...so just let her go, let it go, and move on.

Go NC, trust me man, trust me.

I'm really sorry to hear this LoveIs*....I would hate to speculate on the chance that it may all truly be honest but it is scarily close to what I went through....and my ex is still with the guy she left me for...

I will say this though: People who are carrying on affairs are very sneaky about it and you do have the right to do a little bit of 'investigating' to get the truth.

Had I of not done a little snooping, who knows how long I would have been strung along for!

I do hope this is not what it looks like because it's one of the most painful things to go through and I hope you can work your way through it*

Sending you strength

Carus* 8-)

I honestly cannot imagine her being with him. The guy is one of those emo guys (which she does like) and im what she calls a pretty boy. He has long hair and paints his nails and where those silly pants with chains and is just not attractive IMO. Although he is not ugly neither. She is into that screamo rock music and I am too but I dont dress or act like the artists do. This guy has no car, no job, no home...he is basically worthless besides being fun to be around. So it may be harmless but the fact she is not interested seeing me much anymore is throwing red flags. Granted we see each other a lot before but still how much time do you need with friends. I will not accept her not coming home at night and she agreed that it wasn't right but she didnt want to walk home. I know that stressing everything to her will only cause us to be farther apart and she will feel the need to complain about my insecurity with it and ultimately drive them closer together. I probably should of gave it a little more time but I cant keep quiet much longer. We are in a serious fight over this and I think she is realizing i may leave her and is somewhat panicking over it but not saying much. I hate that I have to go to bed early tonight and she gets off at midnight. So that leaves her bored and available to see her friends again. Im losing sleep over this and cannot focus at work. UGH.

Both of the previous posters are spot on.

This is very similar to what happened to me and my ex eventually left me for the guy. She is holding onto you while testing the waters with this new guy. She is being completely disrespectful regarding your feelings, your wishes, and the relationship you have together. And yes, she is being sneaky. The only way I found out about the other guy was because a good friend of mine found out and told me.

Cut her off at the pass and end it. NC immediately. You will be glad you did.

Hi LoveIsEvol,

What now?

Put it these way, if you were hanging around at a chicks house and rolling on at three in the morning

would she okay with that. If every time she tracked you down, there you were laughing and giggling with the girl down the road would that be cool.

I'm not saying she's cheating but there is definitely a lack of respect here. She crossing boundaries all over the place.

I tried to let her have her guy friend but now she is disrespecting my worries

You said it!

SHe texted back saying she wants to be with me and thats it.

Really? Thats it? No discussion about your unhappiness?

and she is basically calling me controlling.

Well some-one's controlling some-one here. Wouldn't have pegged it to be you. When you adopt the attitude of I couldn't give a fig about your feelings,

LIKE IT or LUMP, you are controlling the situation.

She's stated her position. She intends to carry on. What is your position now?

Look man setting your boundaries and sticking to them isn't being controlling. If it is... f it... be controlling. I wouldn't like my girl hanging out with this new guy either, at his place watching movies? * * * is that? Look having guy friends is one thing. Going out with girl and guy friends?? That's fine. Hanging out with one dude constantly while having a BF is disrespectful, imo. You told her how you feel, you say you're ready to leave her over this. Lay it down, tell her you think she's being disrespectful... and if she doesn't stop leave her. You're not being disrespectful to her.

So yea man just set up your boundaries, let her know spending as much time with this guy is over them for you. Then you let her choose what she want's to do. If she keeps crossing your boundaries let her go. You don't need that stress. But I wouldn't not set up boundaries cause you think you're being controlling. Everyone has their boundaries.

Pretty similar to what happened to me as well. My ex swore up and down I had nothing to worry about. 2 days after she broke up with me she started dating the "friend" she just liked hanging out with.

I know it's a lot easier said than done, but walk away from this. If she refuses to respect your wishes, your relationship, your feelings and you as a person, it's time to walk.

And it doesn't matter what you think of the guy. I thought the same of the guy my ex is with now. Yeah, they both share a passion for their career paths, but other than that..from the little I know about him..he doesn't appear to be any better off than I am...in any area, but that doesn't matter. She sees something there..and that's all that counts, right?

Key word that you said is fun. Girls tend to respond more to how a guy makes them feel. If a guy is fun he produces positive and good emotions/feelings inside of them and they react to that, regardless of the guy's current situation. Not trying to be negative or make you paranoid, just pointing that out.

I wouldn't put up with it.

She's crossing the line and she's pushing it as far as it can go.

She has stated that she wants you. So now she has to prove it.

I would give her an ultimatum. (only if you want to stay with her)

"It's me or him". And then she would have to choose.

But at the end of the day, if it really was you - then she wouldn't be hanging out with the other guy now would she.

Well - I think you are both being unreasonable to a degree.

- You want her to walk home alone at 4am?? Really?? And you think this is safer than snoozing in the living room of a friend that everyone knows?? I mean... she called you to pick her up. You just weren't awake.

- If you aren't willing to hang out with her and her friends... aren't you basically asking her to choose between her friends and you? I understand why she would feel uncomfortable/would not invite you around if you are always grumpy and want to leave.

On the other hand... the amount of time she is spending with this guy and her complete disregard for your feelings and boundaries is WAAAAY off here.

I think your problem is bigger than this guy. You are no longer really a couple. Sure - she should be able to have girl time anyways from time to time... but you also need to find a way to suck it up and be there. Or date a girl who has friends you actually like. (You don't have to like ALL of them - but at least SOME of them...).

Cheating or not, I think the relationship is pooched, to be honest.

I do not know what to do. I cannot break up with her. I tried this morning and now I am miserable at work. Im about to go into a major state of depression that will most likely result in me losing my job. Im not happy without her and if she wants to be with me I think I will just hold on. If she wanted to be with him she would be with him right? I guess she is still choosing to stay with me so I guess I'm going to swallow my pride

So, what was the reason for posting this topic again? You're not taking anyone's advice here.

I don't mean to be rude or mean, but .. really? She doesn't seem to respect you at all.

What do you mean by "I tried [breaking up] this morning"?

I went over there and observed this guy. At first I felt no threat cause to be honest I'm better looking than he is .. I honestly cannot imagine her being with him. The guy is one of those emo guys (which she does like) and im what she calls a pretty boy. He has long hair and paints his nails and where those silly pants with chains and is just not attractive IMO.

It's not whether or not he's attractive to YOU, it's about what she wants.

but I began to notice that she laughs at everything he does

As you surmised, this is BAD.

They seem to enjoy each others company and what not

Why do people write "and what not" as if it's ok to just omit important details. If it's worth saying "what not" it's worth putting in there whatever it is that 'what not' is supposed to be referring to.

I tend to invade her privacy more than she does. I know its not right

I'm not a big fan of "right or wrong". The privacy invasion on both sides is a red flag and indicates much bigger problems. There are huge trust issues here.

she said we need space

We all know what that means. Throw in the new found interest in other guy and the writing is on the wall.

I text her something cocky like at least your b/f is there to stay with you..

That was counterproductive and immature.

Am I getting out of line for being upset here?.

Not at all, however you are not dealing with the situation well at all.

I told her maybe she is not ready for a relationship and that maybe we are not made for each other since she is showing less interest in me lately.

Score! Now back off and let the chips fall where they may. You can't stop her from falling for another guy but you can stop pushing her away by giving her space and letting her figure out if you are what she wants.

I do not know what to do. I cannot break up with her. I tried this morning and now I am miserable at work. Im about to go into a major state of depression that will most likely result in me losing my job. Im not happy without her and if she wants to be with me I think I will just hold on. If she wanted to be with him she would be with him right? I guess she is still choosing to stay with me so I guess I'm going to swallow my pride

 

I have read countless stories on this board and others, and once in a while I will read one that really gets me concerned for the poster because they are just screaming complete and utter desperation.

 

You're talking about falling to pieces, going into major depression and losing your job..

 

Look you just gotta get a grip on yourself man. Don't let your mind screw with you. She's a totally separate person from you, she was not part of your life before, and it looks like she's on the way out whether you like or not and whether or not you've got the strength and courage to pull the plug yourself.

 

So back off, prepare for the worst and find a way to get yourself through the day, it's going to get worse before it gets better but some day you'll look back on it and realize you MADE it worse than it really was.. but try not to cause too much damage along the way, and job loss would definitely qualify.

So, what was the reason for posting this topic again? You're not taking anyone's advice here.

I don't mean to be rude or mean, but .. really? She doesn't seem to respect you at all.

 

What do you mean by "I tried [breaking up] this morning"?

Hey, it's really hard to do something drastic like breaking up with a loved one. Emotions is a helluva drug...

I just want to put my 2 thoughts into this post. Dude, loveisEvol (i agree w/ ur name btw). I'm in the very similar situation, like very much the same bull * * * * you're going through is what I' going through. I've been with my girlfriend for ever 3 years. I've had some hick ups along the way, but i thought we were in a pretty happy, healthy relationship. In the past couple months, she's been hanging out with some new (VERY NEW) friends, and there happens to be a couple single guys in this group that love to go out and hang out nightly. So they always invite my girlfriend out, and she goes. I didn't even have a problem with it for the first little while. But then I started noticing things... 1 guy kept standing out to me from all the things he was saying and doing.. He would ask her to chill on their own a lot.. (which she has no problem with, even though she's in a 3 year relationship, and she just met this guy a couple months ago)

He would write very flirty comments on her FB... i.e., she would post "it's 5am, i'm sick and can't sleep.." and he would say "it's because you don't see enough of me.."

* * * is that?? When i asked her about it, she said he jokes like that all the time. * * * . I've met this guy... he couldn't even look me in the eye.

Anyways, i can go on. and on about all these random things that would stick out to me as inappropriate and disrespectful. These days, she see's them 5 times a week, and maybe see's me once. (i live a 45 min drive away downtown in my own place, she owns a car but lives with her parents. so i don't really pressure her to sit in traffic all the time to come down to se me.. but damn, once a week is pretty bad..)

So this past couple weeks, we fight a lot. Today visited her at work (she works on saturdays sometimes). And i wanted to talk to her about our problems. I was even willing to tell her, okay I'll take a step back and not bother you about the excessive chilling with these new friends, and the flirty messages and all the inappropriate things that stood out to me.. but i need respect from you, i need honesty and i need you know when to draw the line (BOUNDARIES)... But right after, i saw her new phone that she's had since Wednesday (4 days ago) and asked if i can look in it. She reluctantly said 'fine..'. I don't give a * * * * if this is a breach of privacy, THIS IS MY LIFE, I'M NOT TAKING CHANCES, i had to see her texts... I saw that she texts this guy a lot. There was one message he wrote her, it was something like "wow i can't believe we sent 220 messages in 4 hours.."

So i lost it man. I couldn't even keep my composure. I broke up with her within 5 mins of asking her about this excessiveness. I asked her if she think's its wrong or inappropriate.. and she didnt think so. So as of now, we're done! So when you say, you tried breaking up.. i know how you're feeling. you want to get into her mind, you want her to change, you want to make the 1 positive aspect of your life work... you don't want to end it because a bunch of outsiders tell you to end it.

my point is, i still don't know what i should do. I don't want to be without her. We were so great... but what she's doing is destroying us and breaking my heart. And she doesn't even realize it.

I know my girlfriend loves attention. I know that I don't text her non-stop and call her and talk for hours at night. * * * * man, we've been together for so long that I didn't think I needed to feed into her attention so much. But I think someone else posted this, once some guy will give her attention and make her laugh and feel excited, she will gravitate towards them. Not all girls do this, but some do. Some love to have another person (it doesn't matter who it is) give them the time of day. And now i sit here thinking, did i * * * * up somewhere?? Was it my fault?? I know we don't hang out every night, but I WISH WE DID.

I know I'm rambling and this is your thread, OP. But i just want to tell you that you're seriously not alone. I'm going through this same thing. This is probably my 3rd post. My only thread I've started was about this very same thing... And there were a few people that told me i was being 'insecure' or 'controlling' * * * * THAT!!!!!

Dude. this is your life. You made a promise to this person and yourself, that you will stay faithful and respectful. When this excessive, inappropriate behaviour starts happening, you as a man have to put your feet down and tell her. " I did not break my promise, BUT YOU HAVE, this is why I am asking you to make changes or respect me or be honest with me.."

The girl will always downplay what is really happening, just to keep the peace... When you have to beg and interrogate them for the truth, you know this isn't a good situation to be in.

Put your foot down. Don't feel you are insecure or controlling or crazy, because my man, this is your life. You have to take control. All the best bro! be well..

I do not know what to do. I cannot break up with her.

Of course you can. You just don't want to.

I tried this morning and now I am miserable at work. Im about to go into a major state of depression that will most likely result in me losing my job.

Quit being so dramatic. Break ups hurt--that's a given. That doesn't mean they need to ruin the rest of your life.

Im not happy without her and if she wants to be with me I think I will just hold on. If she wanted to be with him she would be with him right? I guess she is still choosing to stay with me so I guess I'm going to swallow my pride

 

Wow, so you're willing to stick by and wait just because for now she "seems to be" choosing you. When people have no self-respect, they sure as heck won't be given respect by others. So all I can say is, be prepared to live with the consequences of your decisions. And make no mistake, you ARE making choices right now even if you feel like you're not in control of the situation.

Geez... Why do guys do this to themselves??? She's CHEATING!!!! Obviously!!!!! YOU NEEEEEEED to DUMP!!! HER!!!!!! And it pisses me off even more that the other dude knows about you... Let me tell you I was in your boat a few years back and it was the same exact situation... I thought what you thought... Boy was I sooooo wrong!!! I had to literally forgive myself for putting myself in that situation... You are making things worse by being there! She already lost respect for you and worse shes keeping you around for the ride! My ex kept me around because she used me for my money.. She needed me in other words but for her own benefit.. I don't know your situation but BRO... seriously? She's freaking 19? She's obviously immature based on all the things she's doing for example staying out at freaking 3am and 5am with her "friends" you know what you should do????? I'm going to give you the BEST advice anyone will give you... Start going out... Go out with friends... Give her a taste of her poison... But I don't want you to do it to make her jealous and want you back no!!!!! Big mistake!!! I'm telling you this so you can get back at her for hurting you and also because well ummmm your relationship is over bud.... Plain and simple... Look for a new girl... You got a job, car and a place... After you do that and it's obvious she's starting to feel it finish her off by throwing her ..ss out and completely cutting her off! Get a new number! Do it! I'm telling you she will think twice the next time she decides she wants to be a little slu... And beeatc.... To her man ha ha Do it pimp you won't regret it! Or you can keep being her little wimp that she can manipulate and have when she's bored of the other guy.. Or guys.. Your call....