She went cold suddenly after fantastic first date - very complicated!!

Hi guys, ive got a complicated problem that i could really do with some insight with!

Got talking really nice girl online couple of weeks ago, exchanged few texts & phone calls for about a week, she made a lot of effort to communicate, and would often ring out the blue etc.

Arranged for our first date for last sat night. However the night before date, she wanted to add me to Facebook, and i noticed we shared a mutual female friend, someone I get one really well with, as does she - they're actully very close freinds in fact. I did think this may have a been an issue but then kinda forgot about it. This mutual friend may also 'possibly' kinda likes me (...a little!), I could be totally wrong tho, as weve been "just freinds" for over four years and neither of us really showed proper signs ofinterest if youknow what i mean.

Anyway date was awesome, as good as ive had, lots of flirting, teasing joking etc. We also both got quite drunk mind you! But anyway there was lots & lots of touching and we ended up kissing at end of the night as i was walking her back. As dates go it was a 9.5/10!

She is definitely a fun girl, but she did also say during date she is looking for all the serious things - i.e. marraige, kids eventually etc. So am i to be honest , but wanted it to be a fun date

I played it very kool during date which i think def help her attraction to me. During the date she mentioned she wanted to meet following day for lunch date, but i kinda had other plans...but i could have easliy cancelled these plans, I wanted to play it kool and not seem too availible - very stupid now in hindsight!

As we walked back she even said "what do you think about you and me then?" i.e. relationship, so i know she she was def interested in me.

We exchanged few more texts on sunday. She text me in the morning asked if I had a good time at date, i said yeah in a joking way. Sent her another text sun night asking about how her day was. Ended up sending a reply asking her to send me a pic of her modelling a new dress she'd bought. I may have pushed it with that text perhaps as there was no reply to this text??

Same night she posted messages on her facebook status that seem to be about her ex/when your missing someone..."Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen each other or the amount of time since you've talked. ...."

And then yesterday she seemed to vanish from my facebook totally (she either blocked me or disabled her account - i think disabled to be honest...dont ask how i know lol) I should also point out her ex was total control freak, she broke up with him about 2-3 months ago and think im the first guys shes been on a date with since. He continues to hassle her i think.

I text her again this morning - just asking how shes doing and apologised that ive been too busy to call her last few days (kinda true), and mentioned that i accidently bumped into the mutual friend (which i did, but couldnt speak to her). Theres been no reply to this.

So i dont know if the sudden loss of interest was due to:

a) My last text (the dress)? Being too sexual perhaps?

b) Her regretting flirting heavily/kissing on first date whilst drunk?

c) The mutual friend not happy with situation (jealosuy?) - i think this is a big factor and would explain sudden change

d) Mis-intrepeted her seriousness

e) Or her ex is back on the scene/she is missing her ex?

There was a lot of attraction - so im very confused, but maybe too much? Obviuosly theres lot of factors goin on, so ehat should i do? I was thinking of speaking to the mutual friend first of all to find out if she has said anything?

c) The mutual friend not happy with situation (jealosuy?) - i think this is a big factor and would explain sudden change

I can tell you one thing - this has got nothing to do with anything. She is not jealous!

I'm not sure it really matters why, but she definitely seems to have lost interest. As far as your possibilities:

a) Not gonna lie, after just one date, this would freak me out a little bit. It definitely could seem sexual.

b) Doubtful. If I really like a guy I'm not going to disappear after going too far with him on a first date.

c) Doubtful. You don't even know that the friend likes you and she's never made a move, so how is she going to have enough influence to put a stop to the two of you after one date?

d) Doubtful.

e) Sounds fairly likely given her status updates. He may not be back on the scene, but she could've gone on a great date and gotten scared about moving on after her ex.

If it was me... I'd think you were a player.

For one, you played it cool. Maybe some girls like this; I've never understood the mentality myself. If I'm acting really into a guy, and he's being lukewarm, I assume I'm either coming off as desperate, he's not that into me, or he's trying to play a game (aka, increase my attraction by being aloof.)

Second, you drank and kissed. I know that seems like a good thing on the first date, but with a cooler head, she might have looked back and had suspicions that the date got to alcohol/physical so fast.

Third, the text about wanting a photo. Oh lordy. That was DEFINITELY pushing it, even if she had been super flirty over text with you previously.

Here's the thing: smart girls are always on the look out for players. Rather unfortunately for you, since I assume you're not one, you sent up a bunch of flags that identified yourself as one. There's currently a guy that's been interacting with me in similar ways, and forum posters have all said the same thing: RUN, PLAYER. (Rather strangely, my friends have suggested patience to see how it plays out. Maybe my friends are attempting to sabotage me haha.)

Lastly, the mutual friend may indeed be a deal breaker. Girls can be EXTREMELY territorial... sometimes even when they have no interest in dating you themselves, they still want the OPTION, and they don't like the thought of another girl "winning" what they like to imagine is your unrequited love away from them.

e) Or her ex is back on the scene/she is missing her ex?

This would be my guess. It sounds like she may have some unfinished business and/is still in contact with her ex. I'm sorry but, it may be best to let this one go.

I'm going to tell you my spin on what I think. (In a nutshell)

I think this girl does like you. But I don't think she liked your "hard to get" attitude. I think she's used to getting what she wants. I think her asking you on date number 1 - "so what do you think of me and you then?" - she's trying to be in control.

I think you spun it back the other way, and she realized she might not be able to twist you round her little finger.

Now she's just playing little games.

I think she's trouble! lol

I'm going to tell you my spin on what I think. (In a nutshell)

 

I think this girl does like you. But I don't think she liked your "hard to get" attitude. I think she's used to getting what she wants. I think her asking you on date number 1 - "so what do you think of me and you then?" - she's trying to be in control.

 

I think you spun it back the other way, and she realized she might not be able to twist you round her little finger.

 

Now she's just playing little games.

 

I think she's trouble! lol

I think it is also unfinished business, but all I can say it let it go because it was one date...

I had a girl go cold after sleeping with her and her sending mixed signals...I felt I had to back off and told her I was doing so only for her to continue to send mixed signals and then nothing came of it.

So all I can say is let it go...and move on...yeah it was great...but look at it realistically.

This would be my guess. It sounds like she may have some unfinished business and/is still in contact with her ex. I'm sorry but, it may be best to let this one go.

I think it is the ex as well. Sounds like he is back on the scene.

Thanks for all the replies! Will come back to them in a moment, but just a quick update - she replied in a very non commital way at the end of the working day (5pm) approx 6 hours later. Basically saying shes ok, and that she also "met up" with the mutual friend on sunday. nothing else, didnt ask how I was doing etc.

Just out of interest Sunday Evening is when things started to go all wrong, so should i assume the mutual friend has said something in the afternoon?

My issue is that even on sunday morning the texts from her sounded very keen from her, and she was initiating the conversations. So i think it was me that messed up somewhere in combination with the other factors such as the friend? And by the evening it went south. I think my "dress" text really didnt help - should i apologise for that?

Sorry for all the separate posts, I can't edit posts on my phone for some reason. Anyway should I apologize for the stupid text? The more I think about it the more I think it was the trigger. Please let me know your thoughts.

P.s. As as I was saying before She didn't delete me off facebook, she either blocked me or disabled her whole account. But I can see her again now. But thinking about she did the blocking sun night/mon morning, and I could see her again after I text her the 'nice' text this morning - coincidence?

I think you played it so "kool" right into oblivion. You gave her zero encouragement, she even asked you directly if you had fun and you joked some reply, then you got smarmy about her photos. Sounds like you kinda did everything wrong, IMO.

Next time, try not to be so "kool" and hard to get/aloof/boorish.

Lesson learned.

Ok quick update...

Very early on wed morning (5th aug) i txt and apologised for the dress text (big mistake) and also for being distant/playing it too cool during date (another big mistake!) and mentioned that it was really nice meeting her an that it would be really good to see her again (yup...possibly another mistake)

definitely wish i never sent that text! A "female" cousin suggested that i should!

Anyway she replied later that day and in reference to the apology about the dress text. She was like "what are you talking about?!" She wasnt offended in the slightest. But she did say it was really nice meeting me too and she would like to see me again too (with an 'x 'after text)

Called her later up same night, just to have a general chat, she did mentioned that apology text, i tried to brush it off. I asked what she was up to weekend,but she was cagey, and i'll let you know kinda thing if im free

(Incidentlly I guess i sounded ever so slighly less confident on the phone than previous calls, guess i acted different cus id met her and realised i like her!)

Anyway we chatted on fb that same name night (yes i know! but she initiated the conversation), all seemed to be forgotten, it was real nice flirty and funny conversation, she mentioned the date and the fact we both had a lot of fun and she also bought up the kiss, mentioned how that im a good kisser etc. I ended the conversation on a high.

Things seemed to be back on track after that, but sent a "hey how u doing" kinda text following night, she replied straight away, then i mentioned her "sad smiley" stautus on fb, she didnt reply and then she vanshed from fb again! (im not too bothered about her random fb behaviour to be honest, more the txt responses and general flakiness)

Sent a joke txt (lots of sexual inneundo) on friday afternoon, no response but wasnt expecting one. And yesterday lunchtime (sun 7th) asked how she was and how her weekend was going, no reply to this.

Im guessing she's meeting other guys, shes fairly new to internet dating and I know she's logging onto to the dating site we met on, so guess she wants to play the field. Not to mention the other possible issues already mentioned. But I guess its not helped by me going from playing it too kool to being too needy/availible!

Any suggestions how to salvage this? Obviously i'll back off and wait for her to get in touch now. And if/when she does get back in touch how should i respond?

cool*. Seriously.

If I were to venture a guess, she's probably brushed you off in a pile of many other online daters who just try to hook up. Why keep texting her sexual innuendos, then flip flopping and being needy?

And stop with the "joke" texts.

If she ever gets in contact again, ask her out on another date, and leave it at that. Then on the date, don't be a douche, and show genuine interest in her. The sexual innuendos are probably making you look pretty stupid.

I guess that whole hard-to-get dating advice doesn't always work.

I played it very kool during date which i think def help her attraction to me

You do?

There are a lot of texts, but I don't see a lot of texts asking her out on real dates. i would come up with a few specific days/times, and suggested events. Instead of saying, "what are you up to this weekend?" (because what girl wants to say - "nothing! totally free, no one is asking me out." you should say, "would you like to go to a movie/dinner/zoo/art exhibit/art festival" on Saturday at 6, or Tuesday at 7? If she still blows you off, forget it.

I think she still is getting over her ex, or went on a date with another guy who seemed to be more "real" (no offense but it seems like you are not being yourself, and IMO being yourself is the best "game" you can have). She could also just be stepping back, tryin to play the "hard-to-get" routine also.

If I were you I would just shoot a txt as annie said above, just a straight, "would you like to go to _____ with me on ___ at __?" And leave it to your date to joke with her, and bedazzle her with you witty charm. If she cops out, then drop it, and find someone else.

It seems like she tried to understand what you wanted out of the online dating by asking about marriage or kids, except that you didn't provide any of your goals and just tried to 'act cool'. While I do realize it is important not to show too much interest and cling on to your dates, she made it clear that it is what she had in mind - marriage and kids. She might just be filtering the guys she does meet. While you were perhaps fun, that wasn't sufficient. Just try explicitly arranging another date plan, and see if she bites in.

I love to joke and mess around, but there are times where you need to recognize you need to supply 'real' information.

My impression is you were coming off too sexual on the date and she was on the fence, but you put the nail in the coffin when you asked for a picture with her dress.

You mentioned lots of flirting and such, but who was initiating it? Her attraction was high enough to reciprocate but chances are high you took it too far...not enough to turn her off but enough to keep on guard once she sobered up.

Women are insanely emotional when they kiss after a first date and the biggest mistake you could ever make is to text her so soon in the first place, let alone sexual texts. She needs time to think about and weigh the ups and downs about how she felt about you and the date, and she won’t be able to do that when you’re pounding her with texts. Chances are high she sobered up and started wondering if she acted too ty and took things too far. You asking her for a photo in her dress only validated Your primary interest was her body, which made her want to duck out.

As for the I miss you comment on Facebook, it sounds like she’s seeking a man who makes her feel like her ex boyfriend did when she first dated him. Your dress question probably made her feel bad, then she started thinking about how her ex made her feel special after their first date and decided to post that comment.

Don’t take it personal, 99% of guys come off far too strong on a first date and after. Women already know you want sex. Asking sexual favors (sorry but “how about you model for me in your dress😏😏😏” is included since you’re suggesting seeing her body) without her at least bringing it up herself or you know...having sex in the first place simply conveys neediness.

I’ve been on hundreds of dates and my most successful dates were simply a matter of taking sex completely out of the picture until she starts giving signs of sexual interest, and even then you’re better of showing patience and going slow and steady. Act like if she weren’t interested sexually it wouldn’t matter because there’s a hotter women waiting for you in bed as soon as you get home. Once they know you’re not solely seeking the tang and have a genuine interest in her, she will make up for it a hundred-fold.

I wouldn’t message her anymore until she does. If she does, send a few Texts back and forth and immediately find out when she’s free. If she messages you it’s because the other guys she’s dating aren’t fitting the bill and she wants to give you another shot. Follow what I’m saying and you’ll get her...if she messages you back. Good luck.

Why revive an almost 8 year old thread?